To See You Again

by gard, marian

  "Yeah…Yes. Yes, I think we are," I say, after a momentary pause.

  He offers no further comment on the topic. "Our offices are pretty close, you know," he says slowly, like he's considering something.

  What's he thinking? He better not be planning on walking over here. I examine a stain on the sweatpants I pulled on after the office emptied out. They're old and look ridiculous with my blouse, but they were a satisfying alternative to not being in pantyhose for even a second longer.

  "Would you ever want to meet for lunch sometime?"

  I bite my lower lip, thinking back to our last failed lunch date. So much has changed…

  "Lunch would be great." I needlessly nod my head.

  "Wednesday?" he asks.

  "How about 11:30." I suggest.

  "Perfect!" He sounds excited. "Hey, Rachel?"

  "Yeah, Collin?"

  "This was nice."

  "It was." I pause again, feeling like I should say something else, but having no idea what. "Well, goodnight."

  "Goodnight," he whispers back. We've basically ended the conversation yet neither of us has hung up. Collin's low, deep voice has had me mesmerized. Throughout our conversation I've intermittently closed my eyes and just listened to the hum of it. "I'll text you about lunch, OK?" he adds.

  "Yeah," I murmur. "Sounds good. Bye, then."

  He says goodbye and this time the call disconnects. I just sit at my desk, stock still, trying to process everything. The light on my phone fades to black and I close my eyes and breathe in deeply through my nose. I feel as though I've been shredded and scattered into a million pieces and then placed back together haphazardly. I'm me, but not really.

  Chapter 29

  Rachel

  "I'm so glad you could come over tonight." I reach over to top off Vanessa's wine glass.

  "Why, my little Rachel, are you trying to get me drunk?"

  "No, it's probably just me who needs alcohol to cope with my life right now."

  Vanessa strokes my arm. "I'm sorry this has been such a rough time for you."

  "It's my own doing," I mutter, and down another swig of wine.

  "Yep, it totally is."

  "Hey!" I exclaim, shoving her.

  "I told you to make some decisions about your relationships, but noooooo, you had to wait until you received a beautiful and romantic proposal you could reject, in order to make up your mind!" She wags a finger in my direction and fails to secure a serious look on her face.

  I roll down my lower lip at her. "I know. I screwed up royally. It's just it wasn't until that moment, that it really hit me." I take another sip of wine, feeling tipsy already. "I feel awful about it, and I miss him. I really do miss him. I almost called him twice this week, just to tell him little things. I was able to stop myself, but it's tough to accept I can't do that anymore. We have at least two sets of concert tickets to split up, maybe three. I never realized how much a break-up can be like a divorce even though we were never married. Anyway, I'm feeling nervous because he's coming over on Sunday to bring me my stuff and get his." I picture Beck's face when he proposed and my heart aches.

  "That's gonna be hard," Vanessa murmurs.

  "I know. I haven't boxed anything up yet. I'm going to do it tomorrow, I think."

  "What about Collin? Have you guys talked at all since you kissed?"

  I fight to keep my face blank. I've held off telling Vanessa anything new about Collin, because I've been feeling so confused about it, but one look at her face and I know I can't ignore her point-blank question.

  "Yes," I say flatly. "We've met for lunch twice."

  Vanessa leans back, opening her mouth wide and dramatically. "What? Two lunches? You've seen him twice and have talked about it zero times with me? You've been holdin' out, girl. Not cool."

  "Don't go too crazy. They were quick lunches and there was no talk of the kiss or anything serious. So far, we've just kept it really surface, you know? I'm not sure if he even knows I know about Leighton." I shrug a little. "It's weird. He hasn't said anything."

  "Have you told him about Beckett?" I shake my head. She looks disgusted with me. "What the hell, Rach?"

  "I know. The thing is we both just got out of serious relationships, his mother passed away, our emotions are all screwed up. How could they not be?" She nods, eyeing me, and I know she doesn't believe the reasons I'm rattling off. "I feel like we're finally reconnecting as friends and maybe that's exactly where we should be for now." Vanessa stares at me, still unsatisfied with my answer. "Look, it's not like I haven't thought about telling him I'm single, like a hundred times. It's just if I do, then things could get pretty real, pretty quick, and I'm not sure I'm ready." I swallow hard.

  Vanessa presses two fingers on top of my knee. "All I know is the night you were deathly ill, and he came to take care of you, he looked pretty at home doing it."

  "Yeah?" I can't disguise the hopefulness in my voice.

  She nods. Her teasing tone is completely gone. "Totally. He was so concerned and he had this arsenal of stuff to get you well. I could tell he was ready to put up a fight if I tried to suggested he should go." She smirks as she says this, at either the memory of it or the stupid look on my face right now. I'm not sure which.

  "Well, I guess he was a caregiver for his mom through her cancer. He knew what to do."

  "He's pretty good to the people he loves, isn't he?" Vanessa shoots me a knowing look, which I try to ignore.

  "He can also be really distant and weird. Things with Leighton ended badly because he basically didn't respond at all when they had this huge fight. What if that is what he's like with me? What if the moment things get hard between us he just takes off, and runs away? That's basically what he did when his mom passed. Do you have any idea what that would do to me if we were in a relationship? I couldn't handle it." I press a hand to my chest.

  "Slow down, Rachel," Vanessa says calmly. "Of course there are risks here. Every relationship has risks, but let's take a look at this from another angle. First of all, that's Reba's take on their breakup; we don't really know what went down between Collin and Leighton. Second of all, that was Leighton, not you. And thirdly, his mother was dying. He was probably completely overwhelmed. If there was ever a time in which he deserved a pass, it was after losing his mom. That guy has experienced far more than his fair share of grief." Listening to her, I have to wonder when she became full-fledged Team Collin.

  "Well, I can't ignore the fact that I have no idea what it would be like to be in that kind of relationship with him."

  She scoffs. "Oh, I think you have some clue, about at least one aspect of it." She shuts her eyes and makes kissy faces.

  I shove her. "What are you in seventh grade, Nessa? Quit it!" But I can't help but smile.

  "How was that kiss you had?"

  "It was perfect," I say, conjuring the feel of it. "Totally perfect. He stopped it, though."

  "I'm sure he did. He probably thought you had a boyfriend, just like I'm sure he still thinks that now. It's no wonder he hasn't brought it up with you. I'm not sure what's going on in his head, but I really think you need to let him know you broke up with Beck. He's at least your friend, right?" Vanessa hooks a lock of her curly hair behind her ear and looks at me earnestly.

  I nod. "Yeah, you're probably right, as usual."

  Vanessa grins a satisfied smile. "Make sure you tell Ryan that. He seems to think he's right all the time, and someone needs to set him straight." We both start laughing again.

  Chapter 30

  Rachel

  "Heading to lunch?" Marissa inquires, as I try to slink past the reception area.

  "I am." I give her a false smile as I wait on the elevator, but she's unmoved and clearly isn't motivated to even pretend to play nice. That's fine. Good luck trying to wreck my day, bitch.

  "I've noticed you've been going out a lot more, lately." She stares at me while she twirls her pen on her finger. I'm not sure when Marissa switched to the dark side, and decided to
hate me along with the rest of the mean girl brigade, but I refuse to waste a minute of my life worrying about it.

  "Have I?" I shrug. Her phone rings, and I'm saved. She's the gossip hub at the office. For all I know, Tim collects notes from her on all the goings-on. I have taken a new approach to work in the past few weeks. If Tim is going to quit giving me as much responsibility, then I'm going to take things a whole lot less seriously. I'm also going to start looking for work elsewhere, mostly the latter.

  I exit my building and head toward today's lunch spot. It seems like just over night flowers have bloomed in the potted arrangements outside of the buildings and storefronts. It feels as though everything is starting to come alive again after a long winter's slumber. The air is warm and fresh and I can't keep from smiling, even after an onslaught of eye-daggers from the mean girl brigade this morning. For the past three weeks Collin and I have met for lunch every Wednesday—transforming "hump day" into my most favorite day of the week. I feel as giddy as I did in high school when I snuck out the window of my stepmother's house after curfew to meet my friends. Today, I'm not breaking any rules. I just feel good. I feel young. I'm taking deep breaths as I approach the table, trying to keep my excitement to see him in check.

  "Hey," he says, when I sit down across from him. I notice a look of disappointment from a table of three young women adjacent to him. They were clearly checking him out and my arrival has just tanked whatever plan they had in the works. Collin, as usual, seems oblivious. I sure get why they were staring, though. The form-fitted navy blue button down he's wearing accentuates his trim, but muscular physique and is a perfect compliment to his eyes. He's had a haircut in the last week, and in the afternoon sunshine it looks even blonder than normal. He looks like he should be modeling cologne or a men's clothing line or something. I can't really lay claim to him, but those girls don't know that. I give them a tight smile. One that says: ‘quit staring' in girl code. They get it.

  "Hey." I shrug my cardigan off. "It feels like spring is finally descending upon Chicago. It's beautiful out."

  "I'm glad you think so, because…" he swings a plastic bag containing two to-go containers onto the table. "I thought maybe we could go for a walk?"

  "Sounds great." We stand simultaneously exiting the café. "I'd planned to treat you to lunch today, though." Collin has insisted on paying for every meal we've shared together since we've started our lunches. I know he inherited an obscene amount of money from his mother's passing, and was plenty wealthy before that, but I've been trying to make things a little more equal between us. He hasn't been having any of it. "Before you protest, I think congrats are in order."

  "For?" He grins at me. He smiles so much lately; I love it.

  "I saw your company made the list of Crain's best places to work! That's a pretty big deal."

  "Oh, yeah…thanks." His face colors slightly.

  "It sounds like you've created a pretty awesome workplace. A gym, an in-house healthy cafeteria, a game room, good employee retention, high employee satisfaction—sounds pretty sweet!"

  "It is." He gives me a wink. "I'm the only curmudgeon who works there. I'm surprised they haven't kicked me out yet."

  "Kind of hard to do, when you run it." I nudge him with my elbow.

  "Yep, that's probably why they let me get away with it."

  "That, and your enormous brain."

  "Enormous, eh?" He looks down at me.

  "Totally huge. So, Mr. Big Brain, are you gonna give me one of whatever is in that box, or what?" I point to the bag he's carrying.

  "Turkey wrap, no mayo, extra spinach. Did I get it right?" He asks.

  I slow my pace, trying to think how he'd known that would've been my order. We've had a different cuisine each time we met. No wraps before this, but that's exactly what I select from that place each time I go. "You did. Thank you." I feel like I should comment on how well he knows me, but I don't. I just take a container from him and thank him again.

  "Wanna stop here?" He points to a wrought iron bench under some tree cover.

  "Sure."

  We eat in silence for a while and then he asks, "So, do you and Beckett have any big plans this weekend?"

  "Oh, um. I've been meaning to mention to you that we broke up." I examine his face, searching for a reaction, but he doesn't give much away. Typical Collin.

  "I kind of thought maybe that was the case." He steals a look at me and then resumes staring straight ahead at the passers-by on the sidewalk in front of us.

  "Why's that?" I'm trying to think what'd given me away.

  "Well, you haven't mentioned him at all recently, and it seems there has been a real reversal on the whole ‘we need to lead separate lives', thing." He looks back over at me. "Not that I'm complaining. So, I'm guessing you didn't want to tell me?"

  "More like I just didn't want to talk about it." I consider if half-truths count as the truth at all. Whether they do or not, I have to wonder at the fact that he's suspected for a while, and hasn't done anything beyond asking about it just now.

  He nods while chewing. "I get that."

  "Was that the same reason you didn't mention Leighton? Didn't want to talk about it?"

  I don't know if I pull off the casual tone I'm going for, but Collin doesn't miss a beat responding to me.

  "Reba told me she informed you." He says this so matter-of-factly I almost wonder if he's upset with me for keeping my break-up from him. I throw my wrapper into the plastic bag, and Collin follows suit.

  He takes the garbage from me and tosses it in a nearby trashcan. "Ready to walk?"

  "Definitely."

  He checks his phone. "Got time for the lake front?"

  "I think so, if we walk fast." I check my phone too.

  "Done," he says.

  If ever there were a time when I was thankful for Collin's willingness to avoid tough topics, it would be now. The fact that he just glossed over my break-up with Beck is indication enough that he's not exactly thrilled I failed to tell him. Vanessa was right. Damn it.

  We walk briskly, enjoying Chicago's beautiful skyline and talking about our workweek, Reba's new business venture, and movies we're interested in seeing. We flit from topic to topic. The conversation is effortless and we continue our pattern of avoiding anything serious. We arrive back at the intersection in which I go right for my building and he goes left for his.

  "Would next Friday be OK? I've got a lunch meeting on Wednesday that's pretty firm." He looks at me hopefully.

  "You've got it," I say with a resolute smile.

  He grins in return and gives me a wink. "Great! See you then," he calls over his shoulder, as he takes off hurriedly in the direction of his building.

  It's silly, but I can't help feeling a little bereft. Is it childish that I sort of hoped for a hug goodbye? Is it ridiculous that I feel like waiting until next Friday is too long? I return to work in a half dream state, my brain clouded with thoughts of Collin.

  The rest of work goes as it usually does, lately. We had a staff meeting in the afternoon and Tim might as well have pretended I was invisible. The mean girl brigade continues to revel in my obvious demotion. I don't think Beckett was right about this blowing over. If I decide to stay, I clearly need to do something to regain Tim's trust and respect, but what that is, I have no idea.

  Chapter 31

  Collin

  When I arrive home Reba is there.

  "Hey, Collin," she mutters, not bothering to look up from her celebrity magazine.

  I stare at her for a minute. "You're not going to move in with me again, are you?" I've been coping pretty well with Mom's death, I think. I've even resumed counseling, not that I would tell her that. She doesn't need to be worried, so I'm not sure why she's camped out here so often these past few weeks.

  She shuts her magazine and smiles at me. "Already sick of me?"

  I shake my head and extract a water glass from the cabinet, filling it from the tap.

  "Yuck." Reba makes a sour face.
"I don't know how you drink it straight from the sink. I can only do filtered."

  "Well you've always been fancier than me." I shoot her a sarcastic smile. She rolls her eyes and I stare at her for a beat, and then it occurs to me, this doesn't have anything to do with a potential Collin meltdown, this is about her. "Boyfriend woes?"

  She picks up the magazine and covers her face with it. "Ugh! Yes!"

  "Don't you have a girlfriend or someone else you could talk to about this stuff?" I sit down next to her, knowing I'm in for a lengthy tirade, no matter what. Reba has come a long way in her adulthood, but she still really struggles with relationships. Given what our childhood was like, I would be amazed if it were any other way. I can't help but feel bad for her. Beneath all of her make-up, designer clothes, and vanity, there's a girl with a big heart, who always chooses the wrong guy and gets hurt because of it.

  When she's finally through, she looks over at me, tapping her lip with her index finger. "So, what about Raven?"

  "Rachel," I correct.

  "Fine. Rachel. I'm never going to remember that. Are you guys talking?"

  I give her a disgusted look. I don't want to discuss this with her. "You're welcome to crash here Reba, anytime, but don't mistake this for a sleepover party."

  "Oh come on, Collin. Throw me a bone here. One of us has to get our romantic lives in order. I'd vote for me, of course, but I'm still rooting for you to pull your shit together!"

  I give her a half smile, but it doesn't seem to suffice. She's quiet, waiting for me to respond, and when I don't, she sighs irritably, rolling her eyes. I'm being a jerk—something I've tried really hard to be less of recently. We're both silent. I sort of want to talk to her about it, to maybe get some advice, because boy, do I need some, but I don't really know where to begin. Reba turns her attention back to her magazine, flipping through the pages aimlessly.

  "What is it you see in that girl, anyway?" She huffs.