To See You Again

by gard, marian

  I grin at him. "I don't think so."

  "Good. Can I pick you up at seven tonight, then?"

  "Um, OK. What are we going to do?"

  He shrugs and looks around at everything but me. "Just hang out, maybe get something to eat when our stomachs resume normalcy?"

  "That'll work," I say cheerily, while trying and failing, to control the butterflies in my stomach. I'm looking up at him, searching his face for clues as to what he might be thinking, when his expression suddenly darkens. He's staring over my head and behind me. I turn around to see Leighton and Meredith entering the lobby, and they've definitely already noticed us.

  "Leighton!" I exclaim, as she approaches. "What are you doing here?" I glance at Meredith who is openly glaring at me. She's obviously over any of her former obsequious feelings toward me. Leighton's expression appears more pained than anything else. I can't help but notice even when clearly upset, Leighton is beautiful. She's wearing a skin-tight lavender dress that shows off all of her tiny, yet perfect, curves. Her boots are light brown with significant heels, but I've still got quite a bit of height on her, and Collin towers over all of us.

  She answers me while staring up at Collin. "Meredith and I became friends through my cousin Marissa, who works in your office." She says her name slowly, Mar-Riss-Ah, emphasizing every syllable, like the pronunciation is meant to bring me pain. I still haven't figured out what the hell she's doing here. Did she follow us? All I know for sure is she is pissed! "Surely you know her, Rachel—you walk past her desk every day to have lunch with all of your boyfriends."

  Whoa! Did she really just say that?

  "Leighton!" Collins says, in a chiding tone that I've never heard him use before.

  "I guess I just delivered her right into your arms, didn't I?" Her lower lip quivers slightly, but otherwise little Leighton appears to be in full-on anger mode.

  Collin opens his mouth to respond, but I take a step toward her, and cut him off saying, "It isn't like that at all, Leighton. We are just friends. It was a lunch."

  In response, Leighton barely glances in my direction; instead, she takes several steps closer to Collin and begins to raise her voice. "You could've talked to me, Collin! You didn't even call me when your mom died. Why? I cared about her, too! Maybe I wanted to say goodbye, did you even think of that?" Her lower lip trembles and I look up to see Collin's face shift from indignant to pained almost instantly.

  The intimacy between them is overwhelming and suddenly I feel like the interloper in a very personal moment. I back away and mumble that I need to get back to work. Now that I know Marissa's connection with Leighton, I feel like my coming and goings will be met with even more scrutiny. My name is practically engraved on the office shit list.

  Leighton is continuing to lay into Collin as I sprint toward the elevator. At the last second, Meredith slips through the closing doors. I press the button for our floor and glance at her. Now that we're alone she's looking considerably less tough.

  "So, what did you think about Jeremy's presentation yesterday?" she asks nervously.

  I turn toward her and roll my eyes. "Really?"

  A mix of shock and fear sweeps across her face, and she turns at least two shades pinker. We're both silent the rest of the way up.

  *** *** ***

  About an hour later Collin texts me:

  Collin: Way to leave me hanging.

  Me: It looked like you could take her. LOL

  Collin: Glad you find my life amusing.

  Me: Maybe when I saw her I was just picturing the flock of women from college who would've loved to have joined in on that attack.

  Collin: Ouch! burn!

  Collin: I must take issue with your use of the word flock.

  Me: You would

  Collin: For the record there hasn't been a flock in a LONG time!

  Me: According to Leighton I'm the one with the flock now, of boyfriends, that is…

  Collin: She felt bad about that. She's just hurt. I was a jackass. I guess THAT hasn't changed

  Me: You said it, not me. ;)

  Me: Better get back to work

  Collin: Still on for tonight?

  Me: See you at 7

  Collin: Cool

  *** *** ***

  "What are you gonna wear?"

  "Don't start, Vanessa."

  "Start with what? You need to think about these things. This is the first time he's, you know, coming over," she says in a mock sexy voice.

  "It isn't like that!" I look over my shoulder trying to see if this dummy in the SUV will let me change lanes.

  "What is it like? What are you two doing, anyway?" Vanessa demands, her voice bellowing through my car speakers.

  "I don't know, Vanessa. He used the words ‘hanging out'. I'm pretty sure in most circles that's considered code for just friends." I think about the hair thing at lunch and wonder if maybe he did mean more, or am I just reading into things? It's hard to say. He hasn't commented further on my break up and neither one of us have talked about the kiss we shared. It seems like we were going the route of ‘that never happened'.

  "Oh, come on, you two. One of you has to make a move!"

  "Ease up, Nessa. I can't handle the pressure! Besides, you should've seen him and Leighton. If that wasn't a visual presentation of unfinished business, I don't know what is."

  "Visual presentation?" Vanessa mocks. "Um, how about we leave work at work? You need to take a deep breath and realize this man is making his way back into your world and you need to figure it out, like, pronto."

  "Vanessa, if pounding my head on my steering wheel wouldn't get me killed right now, that's exactly what I'd be doing. That's how close I am to figuring any of this out."

  She belly laughs and then eventually I start laughing too. "OK, new topic, but be warned I can hear Maddie giving Ryan a hard time in the next room. Our time is limited. Tell me about Beck coming to get his things."

  Her question conjures Beck's expression when I answered the door on Sunday, and I groan aloud at the memory.

  *** *** ***

  "Hey, Beck." I said, gazing up at him when I answered his knock. He was leaning against the doorframe, looking casual. His laid back mood caught me off guard. I'm not sure what I was expecting. Our breakup was the only time I'd ever seen him cry. I guess I thought he'd look sadder or angry even? He handed me a plastic bag filled with the toiletries and a stack of folded clothes.

  "Thanks," I mumbled.

  When I let him in I noticed he was wearing a shirt I gave him for his birthday and wondered selfishly if that'd been on purpose. We stared at each other for a few beats before Beckett broke the silence.

  "So…this is awkward."

  I let out an uncomfortable laugh that sounded forced. "Definitely."

  Unsure of what else to say, I hurried into my living room and he followed hesitantly, as though he thought perhaps he needed an invitation. I stopped short by my coffee table and gestured to three large cardboard boxes.

  "I…um…packaged everything up for you."

  He glanced down at them and then back at me, placing his hand on the back of his neck the same way he does when he's stuck during a project or a problem that needs solving.

  "This seems like a lot," he assessed.

  "Well…um…you're free to look through it all if it doesn't seem right, and of course, let me know if I forgot something." I sat down and fixed my eyes on the boxes. It was too hard to keep looking at him.

  He leaned forward and tentatively opened a box using just his index finger to move the flaps. "The satellite radio, Rachel? I don't need to take that."

  I decided he didn't need to know I'd put the equipment for the radio in and out of the box four times before arriving at the decision to give it to him. "You pay the bill, Beckett." He shrugged. "Just take it. Cancel the subscription if you want, but just…take it. Please."

  He folded the flap back over the box. "So, is the rest of this stuff like the radio?"

  I raised my eyebrows
at him. "What do you—?"

  "You know, things we bought together, stuff that was ours."

  "Well, I packed up your shower stuff," I said weakly.

  "Besides that, Rachel." He crossed his arms and his eyes blazed.

  "I'm sorry," I whispered, feeling tears begin to sting my eyes.

  Beck sat down next to me, leaving a comfortable distance between us, and neither of us spoke for a minute.

  "Brandon asked me if I'd really thought you were gonna say yes." How like his brother to say something thoughtless like that! I knew I should've defended Beck, or maybe even myself, but I felt paralyzed. What could I have possibly said that wouldn't have just added insult to injury? He let out a ragged sounding laugh. "Why is it everyone could see it but me?"

  I reached out and grabbed his hand. "Beckett, you're a wonderful man. I feel like a total fool saying this, but we're just not right for each other. I'm sorry I didn't want to see it sooner—or say it—once I realized. It was wrong of me to be dishonest with you."

  "It was wrong," he answered resolutely, releasing my hand. "I'm a fool too, though. I want to be angry with you, but I'm just not. It doesn't feel real, I guess…I miss you." He laughed humorlessly. "Do you know how many times this week I almost texted you? I was at the grocery store and I almost called to ask you if you were out of that nasty almond milk you insist on drinking."

  I felt a smile break through on my face. It was such a relief to have him tease me. He always had a bizarre thing against almond milk and insisted it was fake.

  "I miss you, too. I almost did the same thing myself," I said, gazing at him hopefully, but Beck didn't respond. He was clearly in his own world.

  "Telling my Mom. Ugh. That was the worst. She really loves you, Rachel." He shook his head, and I pictured Lydia taking in the news. The thought of her disappointment in me was almost too much to take.

  "Well, the feeling was mutual, Beck. I'm so sorry I've screwed everything up," I said. Much to my embarrassment tears started pouring down my face. I'd promised myself I wouldn't cry. Maybe for Beckett things weren't completely real yet, and soon he'd hate me for good, but for me, it was all hitting like an avalanche. At first he went to reach for me, but then he pulled back, retracting his hand before it reached mine. He stood abruptly.

  "I can't do this, Rachel. I can't comfort you—not over this. I'll take the stuff if that's what you want." He stacked the boxes one on top of the other, easing them off the table. I wiped my face and did the best I could to calm down. His expression was so pained, like he was fighting tears, too. "I still love you, and I want the best for you. I guess that makes me a sucker." His voice was barely audible.

  "No, that's what makes you good and kind," I'd replied.

  *** *** ***

  I pull out of the memory and snap myself back into the present with Vanessa. I tell her how he insisted on giving me his old R.E.M. t-shirt, the one I always wore to bed at his place, and how, for reasons I haven't figured out yet, I slept in it that night.

  "That's not the worst part."

  "Oh, gosh, Rachel. What else happened?"

  As much as Vanessa didn't favor Beckett much, I can tell she isn't rejoicing in his pain.

  "Right before he left, he told me he wanted me to be happy. He said he hoped I could find somebody I felt comfortable enough letting into my heart."

  "Holy s-h-i-t, Rach." Vanessa almost sounds as floored as I feel. "It's like he knows or something."

  "Knows what?" I snap. "Don't say that!"

  "Take it easy. I don't mean he knows about Collin. I just mean it sounds like he gets how you couldn't open your heart fully to him."

  "I feel so guilty," I mutter. "Should I have told him I have feelings for someone else?"

  "No way!"

  "Really?" I feel both relieved and confused at how confident she sounds.

  "If you'd told him it would've been about your conscience, not his feelings. You might've felt better for having been honest, but it wouldn't have gotten him anywhere. He'd probably just feel more betrayed than he already does. Who needs that?"

  "I guess you're right. Maybe some part of me wants him to be mad at me? I kept thinking how he could've taken the opportunity to really punish me, but he didn't. He's such a good person. I feel awful, but I know ending it was the right thing for me, you know? Which probably just means I'm a lunatic." Vanessa doesn't answer and in the background I hear crying transform into screaming. "Sounds like you're in demand, my dear."

  "Yep, I better go. Maddie is definitely having a meltdown."

  "Well, good luck!"

  "You, too. I expect details!"

  "Bye!"

  "Bye!"

  My car phone system announces the end of the call and the music resumes full blast. I take deep breaths, trying to center myself into the here and now. A few minutes later, I turn onto my street. As I pull into my garage I see Collin's Prius parked out front. He's early. I'm late. Again. I guess things really have changed.

  Chapter 33

  Collin

  Rachel drives up and waves at me as she pulls into her one-car garage.

  "Sorry I'm late! I was coming from a meeting in Elmhurst." She's wildly grabbing things out of her car, balancing her keys, phone and coffee thermos in one hand.

  "Let me help you." I sling her messenger bag over my shoulder and snag the coffee thermos before she can protest. "We aren't in any kind of hurry, so please take your time. I was just checking email until you got here."

  "OK, thanks. C'mon in." She holds the door for me and I ease past her, setting her things down in the kitchen. "I'm gonna go change," she calls out to me. She still sounds frenzied and I wonder if it's me, or work or both.

  "No prob," I answer, purposefully making my voice as calm as possible.

  She emerges a moment later. "Jeans are fine, right?"

  "Rachel, anything you feel comfortable in is fine." She scans my face briefly and I smile sincerely in affirmation. It crosses my mind that I should say something more—something comforting, but the right words don't make it to my lips in time. She retreats to her bedroom and a few moments later I realize I'm nervously pacing. I guess she isn't the only one. I force myself to come to an abrupt stop. I inhale deeply closing my eyes. 1…2…3… I exhale and open them again. Feeling only slightly more relaxed, I stroll around her living room and notice that unlike the last time I was here, all the pictures of her and Beckett are gone. I stop at her bookcase, browsing the titles, when I spot a tall black guitar case wedged between the shelf and the wall. I touch the top—it's covered in dust.

  "We gotta problem, Rachel," I call out, feigning urgency. She appears almost immediately wearing her dress top from work and a pair of tight fitting jeans.

  "What?" She sounds legitimately panicked and I almost feel bad for teasing her.

  "There's like an inch of dust on your guitar case." I hold out my index finger to her. "How do you explain that?"

  Her expression shifts from alarmed to annoyed instantaneously. She rolls her eyes. "Easy. I never play it and I don't have a maid." She disappears again into her bedroom.

  I carefully and quietly extract the guitar from its case and place it across my lap while I wait for her on the couch. She materializes a few minutes later, having swapped her worktop for a light purple button-down shirt and has released her hair from her up-do, allowing it to now cascade past her shoulders. "I like your hair down," I say. She ignores me, and points at her guitar on my lap.

  "Oh hell no, Collin!"

  "I'll counter that with a hell yes. I vote for beer and pizza—and you providing the musical entertainment." She sits down next to me and I notice her perfume immediately. I have a flashback to her kissing me a few weeks ago and for a split second I lose all sense of my present time and place. She's got me by the jugular and she doesn't have the first clue about it.

  "No way," she says, shaking her head emphatically. "It has literally been years since I played."

  "If that's true, that is a comple
te tragedy." I smile at her and set the guitar aside, cutting her a break. She stares at it for a minute and then looks back at me. "Can I ask why?"

  "No time, I guess." She shrugs and looks away.

  "Promise me you'll play again for me sometime. I can't imagine a world without Raven singing it." She blushes and immediately I realize me error. "Sorry, old habit. I know it's Rachel now."

  She nods. "No big deal." Silence descends again, and I'm feeling like crap for giving her such a hard time and for screwing up her name. This night is off to a stellar start, thanks to me. She breaks the silence saying, "I do like the beer and pizza idea, though…and maybe I could be convinced to play a chord or two, but only after quite a few cervezas."

  "Let's get drinking, then!" I cheer.

  She laughs. "You're a jackass, Collin."

  "So I hear…let me order us up some food. Is it cool if we just stay here?" I stand up and walk over to her kitchen counter where my phone is.

  "Sounds wonderful. I'm beat. This week sucked."

  "Well then, put your feet up and let me handle it from here," I tell her. I watch as she relaxes immediately and seems to melt into the couch. I pull up the menu from a local place and gaze at her from the kitchen. I feel like I'm home.

  *** *** ***

  We eat pizza and drink beer until we're both feeling full and buzzed. Rachel's stereo plays softly in the background and I marvel at how it feels like so much time has passed and like none at all, all at the same time. I say as much and she gazes at me.

  She shakes her head. "Still trying to get me to play that guitar, are you?"

  "Oh you'll play it. You know you want to," I tease, shifting closer to her on the couch. I rest my head on my arm on the top of the sofa and angle myself toward her.

  "What about your art, Collin?" She moves on the couch so her body position mirrors mine.

  I shrug and she looks disappointed, and so I decide to tell her about something I'd been keeping on the down low. "I did start this thing for my mom, but I didn't get it finished in time." She appraises me for a minute.