Long Live Death: Welcome To The Afterlife

by Mercott, Joshua

  While I was assimilating all this, Elizabeth pointed me to a tray and gave me two jars that needed filling. She told me what went where and I headed to the nearby cabinet to get her refills. She returned to the table and filled coffee and orange juice for the four people seated at it. The other Von Heisen’s were asleep. Some others had moved back to their own houses in the grander side of the Human Quadrant. Family members without rank or title were coming in after night shifts at well paying jobs. I could hear them outside in the corridor, laughing, bomping their shoes onto the floor and thumping their way upstairs. A woman came in and with a dazzling grin said, “Heyyyy!” The others greeted her in like manner. “Oh, Courtier Boremasta, you shocked me. If I had known you were coming, I’d have made myself prettier.”

  “I’m afraid, Helga, that no French art exists that can make you prettier, because you are at the peak of feminine perfection already.” She giggled and moved into the room to offer Boremasta a hand to kiss. At this point I was about to throw up. I took the tray to the table, instinctively knowing the woman would sit down to eat with them. So I added an extra plate, and a knife, spoon and fork from the cabinet and turned. A distracted Boremasta wouldn’t bother looking at me. He moved his chair out as he reached for Helga’s hand. I didn’t calculate his incredible proprotions would push the chair so far out.

  I tripped, leaned forward to compensate but the tray was too heavy for only my thin upper body to handle. It touched his pudgy back and he moved as though burnt. The tray toppled, milk, sugar, breakfast condiments, sweet chips, coffee and tea powder, edible flour, and a whole slew of other things fell and slid down his back. He swiped the hand that had been reaching for Helga’s who, if she wasn’t a vampire with potent instincts, would’ve screamed at the suddenness of it all. Boremasta swiped and I learned only now how strong this fat bugger was because he’d pushed me so hard I fell against the wall. I grabbed for something to hold on to but found only the window. The tiny rectangle moved on oiled hinges and I was putting my full weight on it. My feet found no purchase, my weight found no shifts, I moved with the window and before long the sill found the back of my thighs and I fell bodily down to the hedged garden. I fell smack into an ornamental bush. Thank Herada this was on the ground floor and not an upper storey.

  The other Von Heisens helped Boremasta. I could hear them struggle to lift him from the ground. He’d apparently lost his balance and fell. None of them came to check on me. I was beneath such concern. Besides it’s not like I could die or be seriously injured, in which case soul-medics would patch me up in a jiffy.

  “Who was that lunatic?” said one of the Von’s.

  “New hire from the kitchens, sir.” That was Elizabeth.

  “Tell Natalya I want that imbecile fired immediately, and to throw him out not roast him on a spit like she did the last one. That one’s soul is still scorched.”

  “Yes, sir.” I heard the door close behind Elizabeth. Standing silenty and listening is a virtue of mine. I had perfected it since I entered the King’s employ where I had nothing to do but stand, scribble and listen. They ignored me because I was beneath them? Good. Their tradition benefited my mission. I crawled out of the bush and crouched under the window. The potted row of tulips had been squashed as I fell out and the box had slanted, one end on the ground. Profuse apologies were exchanged as both the Von Heisens and Boremasta used politeness to shove awkwardness under the proverbial carpet.

  I had botched any chance at learning what Boremasta was up to. This Von Heisen chum, as with all schemers, needed to be well fed and feeling comfortable in order to discuss a coup against His Majesty. “We’ll talk about the resistance later, my friends. I’d like to wash up, if that’s alright.” They apologized some more and if I wasn’t mistaken that was the voice of Jacob the Batler.

  “I’m dreadfully sorry that your breakfast is ruined, sir. I’ll have them bring in more. I’ll show you to the washroom now, sir. If you’ll come this way, come come come come come come come.” That was him alright. As one final aside before he left the room Boremasta turned to say something to his friends. “Wait till Reincarnator Helidon hears of the Resistance. He has no idea what a big dish walked onto his plate.” They laughed together and I cringed inside.

  A pebble landed on my shoulder. My whole body went rigid and I froze. I didn’t want to make a sound lest they heard me. They were only a few meters away and you know what they say about vampire ears. I turned slowly and there was Elizabeth Krem gesturing wildly for me to follow. I managed to surreptitiously make my way to her. She helped me to my feet and I groaned. My back hurt, my thighs were chafed where they’d hit the windowsill and there were twigs and a leaves in my servant’s attire.

  “That could’ve gone wrong a hundred different ways. I’d have been caught in an inquiry about how the Reincarnator intruded Von Heisen territory and they’ll have had witness testimony by a high ranking fellow courtier.” She seemed out of breath. Was it me or did she look really adorable when she was upset. “Stop looking at me with those puppy dog eyes. Save it for your next visit to Madame Plaisir’s. I know a way out of here, take the clothes with you, burn them, the vampires might smell you and connect the dots if ever you’re needed at the Von Heisens again. My my, you are quite the klutz, Helidon. Forgive me if I don’t call you sir or Reincarnator. I can’t even call you a cab, or they’ll ask who it’s for. I can’t bloody well tell them it’s the getaway vehicle for the Reincarnator in disguise. And what a disguise. There’s no point wearing the costume if you can’t play the part.”

  She didn’t let me get a word in edgewise. I was about to say how sorry I am, let her know that it was an accident, and also to tell her that she berated me worse than my mom used to. Part of the reason why I kept silent all the way to the back gate was because of that. I liked that she reminded me of mom. She closed the gate behind me. “Helidon?” she called and it sounded like concern though she tried to hide it. “Here.” She handed me a small bundle tied with a knot on top. “It’s food for the road. It will be more than two hours for you to get to the city by foot. But if you’d like the train.”

  “Oh no,” I said, “No trains. Thank you, Elizabeth. For everything. Seems like I have this Resistance business to figure out.”

  “At least something good came of all this, huh?” she said. She waved, I waved back. I took to the woods.

  12

  I walked once more, touching each tree that bordered the slope that curved slightly up and to my right. I came to the huge entrance gate, found it open this time, walked through, left the path and continued. I came to the train station and couldn’t help but recall that dreadful contraption. I climbed the slope to the road, got down the other side and was glad to see the little train stop disappear. There were fewer and fewer trees as I headed closer to the city. But it would be more than an hour when that would happen.

  I sat down to eat. I opened the cloth bundle and there was a small box containing a slice of chocolate cake, another with grapes, an orange and apple, and slices of lemon-brushed chicken. My brunch was rich, it recalled to mind Elizabeth who packed it for me and the possibilities of it all made me feel so happy that I can honestly say I ate like a king. Speaking of whom, I’d have to go to the office and give him my preliminary. After the so called gift he’d given me, he’d still expect me to come in on time. I knew I’d be late. He’ll have appointed Krell whom I could sense was already weaving my absenses into a case against me.

  But my job was not yet done. I had the Resistance to worry about, which would give me some leeway with His Majesty. I’ll have bought myself some time thanks to the news. But first things first, I’ll get to the office and worry about things from there. I suddenly remembered. Today marked the fifth of fiffteen months in the year. I ate my breakfast. I came here start of the year in the month of Jener. Following my training, I started my Reincarnator work in the second month of Froo. Afterlife went on through Maer and Prella. Today was Moo. I had this month and the next, Jenz, to
show results or I’d be demoted, marking the first of three permitted step-downs before...I don’t want to think about the consequences. I felt nervous but confident I’d make it to the next half-term, which comprised months seven, eight, and nine—Jella, Staghsht, Timbester. My second full term would follow, namely the next three months of Tobry, Neverbrim, and Cinderzed. The last three months in a Quadrant Year would be the busiest and most ruthless season as I would need to fight, sometimes literally so, to keep the King’s favor. That’s how I imagined it was going to be anyway.

  I had done a fair bit of reading based on what other Reincarnators left behind. I haven’t gotten through all of them yet—there’s centuries of material but being dead means I could eventually get through it. I don’t think I’ll finish my summer reading I had work to do and hopefully I’ll be reincarnated or transferred to a better realm. If I failed in my tasks I would be at the King’s mercy, on the bad side of his mercy. I gulped down the last of the cake. It was gooey and yummy but the pressure of my thoughts made my tongue go numb and no longer appreciate the wonders of flavors and food.

  Soul Ferry was held near the end of the fourth month and today was the first day of Moo, the fifth month of the year, and there would be something planned in Quadrant City to commemorate it, as they do every five months. I jogged the rest of the way to the city. Chef Natalya Dunayevsky was right when she told me the energy is not in the food, it’s in the mind. While my delicious breakfast was only just in the digestion queue, I found renewed energy at the thought of what the King would do to me if I showed up results-free and late. All I had was information. Hopefully, it would save my afterlife.

  At long last I made it to the crumbly edges of the Human Quadrant. They kept all the main locations beautiful where other life-forms came to trade, but check out the places that noone visited but several people called home and even pigs would think twice to call it a sty. I had not been in this part of the quadrant before. Apparently, the civil works department rallying for change with their Keep It Beautiful campaign were lying through their teeth and eating the funds that poured in. I hate being the rat but I’m going to have to bring this up to His Majesty. Just because we’re all dead from suicide doesn’t mean we should live like this. If I’m going to say that, then I’ll also have to disown corruption, lies, hate and all the other nonsense in that basket. Quadrant City was as far gone as my own society, back when I was alive.

  I hailed a cab, got in, breathed deeply in an attempt to calm myself before my meeting with the King. “I’m sorry, cabby, but could you turn round? I’d like to go to Wolverton Street, number seventy-five, if you don’t mind.” I saw myself in the window. I can’t possibly show up at Death Hall looking like this. I asked the cabby to wait as I went upstairs to my apartment. I fished out my second pay card and entered a five-digit cancellation number that only I knew, and sent the message through my landline. I lost my first card back at the parlor. Of course nobody could use it unless one of the parties knew the account code, which was different from the account number, and another party verified the transfer with their own card. It will then go into the records, making it too much of a risk for any hooker at the parlor to play mischief. Decana knows they play it enough.

  I rushed down three flights, paid the cabby who muttered under his breath. He even asked me to add waiting charges because he’d have made millions in the two minutes he sat waiting in the shade of a cool elm tree. I rushed back up, slower this time, and had a quick wash. I applied copious amounts of scent to smother the parlor’s that was still on me even with the servants’ clothes. I could smell it better when I pressed my nose to my upper arms. I changed quickly but didn’t know what to do with my getaway clothes. I couldn’t burn it inside the apartmenr and have those firemen come collect me again. I bundled them up and stashed them away at the bottom of the cabinet.

  I changed, combed, adjusted my attire, ran downstairs and remembered that I had forgotten to ask the cabby to wait, charges included. Scolding myself with a ‘haste makes waste’ speech, I walked a bit to get to the corner and a ways beyond to find a suitable cabstand. It was raining again in Quadrant City and will be on and off for the first week of this month. I haggled a bit on the price of a ride to government building alpha. Credits had their own rules in this town, and the fact that I was Reincarnator only made it that much shinier in the drivers’ eyes. We settled on a price and I leaped in before he changed his mind. He yee-haa’d the horses before I could change mine. I was at the office in twenty.

  “Sir, sir, are you alright? You have all these papers to sign. I have been trying to get a hold of you.”

  “Krell, Krell, are some of those papers verification forms that you’ve been working on during my absence in case something bad happened to me?” His silence said it all, the selfish batadar.

  “I must say, sir, you do get a lot of work done on your own. I wasn’t able to categorize as many reincarnation approval forms but I managed.”

  “How long were your coffee and lunch breaks?” He kept silent. “Give me all the forms you have ready. I have a meeting scheduled with His Majesty?”

  “In about two minutes, sir.”

  “On time,” I declared.

  “For once,” Krell muttered. I heard him but refused to respond. I left my office, which was quite untidy even by my standards, and found my way to the throne room, which His Majesty had altered to look like a stylish office. He was adaptable like that. The last time I was here, yesterday in fact, the office had been the way it was since I’d first seen it three months ago. Now it was all different. The woodwork had changed, it looked lighter in color and texture. The showpieces were different. The immense oak table alone was the same, though it got a nice new coating of varnish. The curtains, carpets and ceiling-to-floor banners had changed. They were all new but the banners still had their characterisitc gold, black and red.

  “Is everything in order for Moo-day?” said King Death. No hello, how was your time in that horrible nightmare bed at Plaisir’s, knowing your resourcefulness my dear Helidon you must have risked afterlife and limb to learn something at the Von Heisens. Nothing, zilch, it was a direct ‘is everything in order’. I could only see his wings, blades that grew in perfect proportion and shone as the light caught them.

  “Everything has to be, My King. I’m afraid I’ve to ask the Festivities Department about it.”

  “Someone’s a little tetchy.”

  “I apologize, Your Majesty, I didn’t mean any insult.” Suddenly I found myself debating if I should tell him about the Resistance or leave that until after the Moo-Day festival.

  “I was referring to the paperwork, Helidon. That’s you job, isn’t it? Offering me a large selection of reincarnation approvals to sign so we can commemorate Moo-day, the fifth month of the year, with a celebration worthy of this city’s existence? Or maybe the Festivities Department is doing your job for you.”

  It was never wise to anger the King. With one thought he could accomplish so much. He didn’t even have security or an army to take into his many battles and wars. I recalled reading about his power, how he could sweep over vast armies and force their souls from their bodies. They would feel a pain unlike any other or die peacefully, depending on Death’s mood at the time. No, it was never wise to anger this King.

  “I don’t have as many as I’d hoped to, my liege, but—”

  “Do you ride by my side into war, Helidon?”

  “No, Your Majesty.”

  “Do you plan to?”

  “No, sir.”

  “Then you shall never address me as liege. How many souls have you shortlisted?”

  I opened the file to check but Krell must have made a mistake because I couldn’t find any paperwork under the ‘Open Cases’ tab. “Sir, if I may confer with my assistant for a second, I’ll have the papers for you. I wasn’t in office and he was responsible for arranging these things.”

  “A bad courtier always blames his assistant. Whether Krell made a mistake or
not, Helidon, you should have been in the office to double check his work before you came to waste my time. Apparently you think I’m here in Quadrant City for the weather.” Thunder and lightning fell from the sky. “You better have something in that file for me, or your horrible choice of boots will be the only thing leaving this office intact.”

  I swallowed my terror. He could do worse than that threat indicated. The stories I’d read recently of Death showed him to be ruthless, seeing everyone and everything as factors not personalities and he especially knew how to torture those factors. He understood pain but placed no value behind the purer emotions that made us who we are. He still had his back to me but his tone had expressed enough.

  “I have information, My King, but it’s not in this file. It has to do with events that followed my stay in, um, the place.”

  “Make it quick.”

  “I have made a preliminary guesstimate that Courtier Boremasta may be in league with the Von Heisens concerning a takeover of Your Majesty’s rule in Quadrant City. I admit my curiosity was sparked by rumors, but it did make sense to me that the head of the Credit Department might be earning well if he stayed here and had more people to tax and do business with. If we were all reincarnated, as you want us to be, he will be out of a job and might be afraid of what awaits him in a new life back on his home planet. I was drawn to this tenuos but distinct connection and went to investigate. I also confess that I intruded upon the castle premises because there was no other way I could think of at the time to find out even one valuable snippet of data concerning this rumor. My work would be directly affected, as you can most certainly imagine Your Majesty, which is why I took it upon myself to learn more. I was surprised to find Boremasta there, breakfasting with them, sire. But instead of confirmation to my claim I learned that—”