Fighting for Desire

by Sarah Bale

  “She lost the baby.”

  They didn’t deserve to know that much but he wanted to wipe the smug look off her father’s face.

  Mrs. Bray whispered, “How awful.”

  “Good. God has a way of taking care of situations such as that.” Mr. Bray shot his wife a look that made her cower into the corner.

  She had learned years ago to fade into the shadows and not draw attention to herself.

  “I suppose God approves of abortions?”

  Mr. Bray set down his paper. “Of course not but he doesn’t approve of bastards either. The Bible clearly says an eye for an eye.”

  Dev’s mouth fell open. “Are you telling me you honestly believe killing an innocent child is okay?”

  “Either way the child is gone. I am happy with the outcome.”

  “Jesus Christ!” Dev said. “No wonder she never came back here. Thank you for your time. If I never see you again, it will be too soon.”

  He walked out of the room, ignoring the insults Mr. Bray yelled after him. If Dev listened to them, he might be tempted to turn around and show the old son of a bitch the real meaning behind “an eye for an eye”. Dev wasn’t a child anymore and he didn’t take shit from anyone.

  He was almost to the door when Mrs. Bray stopped him.

  “Try my sister. I think she has kept in touch with Shannon over the years.”

  “Does she still live in the same house?”

  “Yes.”

  She lowered her gaze and he noticed how much Shannon looked like her mother.

  “I know you may not understand but my husband only did what he thought was best. I am just sorry I lost my child because of his beliefs.”

  He lowered his voice. “You could always try to contact her, you know. I am sure she would be open to reconnecting.”

  She shook her head. “I could never do that. The Bible says you’re supposed to obey your husband.”

  He sighed, shook his head and left without another word. As he got into his rental car he said a silent prayer of thanks that Shannon got out of that hellhole before she became just as broken as her mother.

  He prayed Shannon’s aunt would be able to help him. But first he needed to pay his mom a visit. He no longer blamed her for his abusive youth and she needed to know he considered her as much of a victim as he had been. No, the blame belonged solely to his old man and Dev would never completely move on with his life if he didn’t acknowledge that fact.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Dev pulled up to the small mobile home. Though he had more money than he would ever spend in his lifetime his mother refused to accept his gifts. She took the mobile home only because her old house was condemned.

  When his old man died his mom had changed. She stopped drinking but also stopped caring about anyone or anything. Now all she did was sit inside her house and watch TV.

  He walked up to the front door and knocked. No one answered so he let himself in. His mom sat in the same fucking chair smoking a cigarette. The entire trailer smelled of smoke and his eyes watered.

  “Hi, Mom.”

  She didn’t look up. “Shut the front door. The light is making a glare on the TV.”

  He closed the door and stepped farther into the trailer. Trash and dirty laundry were piled up everywhere but he managed to find a place to sit on the couch.

  “What are you doing here, boy? Someone die?”

  He shook his head. “No. I’m looking for Shannon. I thought her folks might know something.”

  His mom looked in his direction. For the first time he saw how much the death of his old man had affected her. Her hollow cheeks stood out against her pasty grey skin and she looked older than she was by several years.

  “Little Shannon Bray? I didn’t know you had seen her recently.”

  He nodded and swallowed the lump in his throat. “We ran into each other in Miami a couple of months ago and hit it off.”

  His mom didn’t need to know the gritty details. Like what a mess he made of everything.

  Her face lit up in a haunted smile. “I always liked Shannon. She never let anyone push her around and managed to hold her own with grace.”

  He had pushed her around. He pushed so much she had run away and now he couldn’t find her. He took in a ragged breath.

  “You said you were looking for her? Did something happen?”

  “Yeah I was an ass and said some things I shouldn’t have.”

  His mom nodded. “You always did have a temper.”

  He agreed. “I know I did. I was hoping her Aunt Laura knew her whereabouts.”

  “I like Laura. She takes care of me at the hospital.”

  Hospital? He took a closer look at his mom. Was she sick? Is that why she was so pale?

  She must have sensed his unspoken question. “I’m dying, boy. Cancer. Docs don’t think I have much time left either. Laura works at the hospital and drives me back and forth.”

  The air left his lungs in a whoosh.

  “Momma…”

  She shook her head. “Not telling you was my choice, Devlin. They found the mass too late and there was nothing they could do.”

  “But I could have taken you to a specialist.”

  “That’s not what I wanted. I don’t want to be pricked and prodded. I want to spend my last days without being sick. And if I am lucky, I’ll pass in my sleep like your father did.”

  His old man had died of a heart attack in the same recliner his mom sat in right now. He shook his head.

  “I’m sorry I’ve been a bad son. You deserved better. I ran from this place when I should have stayed.”

  His mom stood from her chair and walked across the room toward him. Her frail form scared him. She sat next to him and took his hand.

  “You did what you had to do to survive. We all knew if you stayed here, you would have ended up just like your father.” She squeezed his hand. “I loved your father, Devlin, but he did you wrong. I was a bad parent for letting the abuse happen. That is why I let you go. If you had stayed here, your fate would have been the same. You’re better off without me.”

  He hated hearing his mother say those words, even though they were true.

  “Momma, no…”

  “I’m okay, son. Just look at the man you are now.”

  He lifted her hand and kissed her knuckles. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

  “Yes. Go find Shannon. Right whatever wrong is between you two.” She swatted him lightly. “And don’t be a stranger. Your father isn’t here to hurt you anymore.”

  He nodded. “Thank you, Mom.”

  “Go. Go find your girl.”

  He got to his feet and walked to the door. Hand on the knob, he turned. “I’ll be in touch.”

  He left his mother’s home and drove across town. Nothing had changed there in the years he’d been gone. He pulled into the driveway of Laura’s house and turned off the car. She sat on the front porch, rocking in one of the wooden rocking chairs that had been there for as long as he could remember.

  “I was wondering how long it would take you to get here,” she said as he walked up the stairs and sat next to her.

  Laura could be Shannon’s older sister. She had been an unexpected surprise to her parents and was much younger than Shannon’s mom. Laura and Shannon had been so close because of their age.

  She went inside the house and came back carrying a tray with two glasses and a pitcher of her famous sweet tea.

  He took the glass she offered. “I’ve messed up.”

  “How so?”

  Her expression became guarded and he wondered if she had been in contact with Shannon.

  “I accused Shannon of something she didn’t do. I was a complete asshole.”

  She nodded thoughtfully. “That must be why you’re here. You probably think I know where she is.”

  “Do you?”

  A smile lifted the corners of her lips. “Do you think you deserve to know after you accused my niece of being a drugged-out cal
l girl?”

  So she had spoken to Shannon recently. The small glimmer of hope he felt warmed his chest. For the first time in nearly a month he didn’t worry that Shannon might be injured or worse. Closing his eyes, he gave a silent prayer of thanks.

  “Laura, I said I was wrong—”

  “Wrong is taking a left turn instead of a right turn. What you did was unforgiveable.”

  His worst fear had been spoken aloud—that Shannon would never be able to forgive him.

  His voice lowered, thick with emotion. “I know my actions were unforgiveable. That is why I need to talk to her. I need to tell her how wrong I am…about everything.”

  Laura stared at him until he felt like squirming.

  “Is there anything else you need to tell her?”

  “The PI I hired was working for John Ice, who was feeding me false information. I know the truth about everything now. I know about the baby too.”

  Laura snorted. “My niece has known about the baby for eight years. Do you really think she will want me to give up her location just so you can tell her you know?”

  He deserved her cold words.

  “I want to tell her I miss her.”

  “That’s not good enough, Devlin James. Get off my porch if you can’t think of something better to tell her. You broke her heart in Colorado and I’m not going to let you hurt her again.”

  Without her he wouldn’t be able to find Shannon.

  He stood. “I may have broken her heart but she is my heart. And without her I’m nothing. Because a man can’t live without his heart!”

  Laura stood too. “What are you saying, Devlin?”

  “I’m saying I need to find her because I love her, Laura!”

  His mouth snapped shut as he said the words. He loved her. God that is what Laura had been trying to get him to say. And saying the words only made the feeling stronger.

  Her bright blue eyes lit up. “Well you should have said so, Dev. I’d be happy to tell you where she is.” She shoved a finger against his chest. “But if you screw this up…”

  “I won’t. I swear I won’t.” He pulled Laura into his arms and hugged her. “And thank you for taking care of my mom.”

  “I’m surprised she told you. She’s a fighter. I think she will prove us all wrong.”

  “I hope so.”

  Laura opened her front door. “Come on and I will write down a few addresses for you. You need to get our girl and make things right.”

  For the first time in twenty days, hope filled his body.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Shannon sat on the hard ground in front of the tiny tombstone. When she lost the baby she had been so in debt she hadn’t been able to afford a marker. The cemetery provided a little stone with a number on it so she could find her baby. Number twenty-six.

  After getting a job at a shitty restaurant she took her first paycheck and bought her baby a real tombstone to honor him. White marble with his name carved in the stone. Under his name was an angel, forever watching over him.

  She reached out and traced the letters of his name.

  “I’m sorry it’s been so long since I visited,” she whispered. “Things have been so…so…”

  Her voice trailed off. How could she even describe everything that had happened? Silent tears ran down her face and she wiped them away with the back of her hand.

  “I brought you something.”

  She set the tiny teddy bear against the stone. The toy stared back at her with empty eyes. Just like she felt.

  “I saw your daddy,” she said. “He has changed so much but I know he would have loved you as much as I did. And you would be so lucky to have him in your life. He would have protected you no matter what.”

  She was about to say more when a hand grasped her shoulder. She looked up to see Dev standing there with tears brimming in his eyes. Pain filled her body and she tried to block the emotion. He dropped to his knees next to her and reached out to touch the tombstone.

  “You named him after me?”

  She nodded. “It was the only name that seemed right.”

  Devlin Alexander James Jr.

  “I’m so sorry, Shannon,” he rasped in a broken voice. “If I had known…”

  She took in a deep breath, trying to hold back the pain burning in the back of her throat. “It wouldn’t have mattered. The doctor said there was nothing that could have saved him.”

  Dev’s shoulders shook as he sobbed. She reached out and wrapped her arms around him, comforting him. She’d had eight years to deal with the pain.

  “Was it because of me? Did I cause you to lose the baby?”

  She tightened her hold on him. “No, Dev. He just wasn’t meant to be. I did everything I was supposed to do but the little guy just wasn’t strong enough.”

  Years went by before she truly understood the truth in those words. Her baby just wasn’t meant to be.

  “Did you…did you get to see him?”

  He lifted his tear-streaked face, waiting to hear her answer. Her lips trembled as she remembered holding her tiny son wrapped up in the birthing blanket. He had been so small, she’d felt as if she held a black-haired baby doll. Only the gray tint of his skin had been out of place.

  “I was able to hold him before they took him away.”

  Dev nodded. “I’m glad for that.”

  Neither spoke. Ducks quacked from a nearby pond and the sound seemed harsh in the moment.

  Finally she asked softly, “Dev…what are you doing here?”

  His gaze left their son’s tombstone and landed on her.

  “We need to talk.”

  She stood and shook her head. “No. You were right the last time we talked. We should have never tried to make this,” she pointed back and forth between them, “work. I’m sorry you were almost hurt in the process and I promise I will pay you back the fifty-thousand dollars. I haven’t touched any of the other money in my account. Only the money I won in Vegas.”

  He stood too and opened his mouth to speak. Her throat ached as she held back her tears. She had to do this before she lost her courage.

  “No, let me finish. I am so sorry about the baby but I’m glad you know the truth now. I tried so hard to find you back then and I’m sorry I couldn’t.” She paused to catch her breath. “Dev…you didn’t even give me a chance to explain my side of the story. I am happy for your success and the life you have, but right now I can’t even look at you.

  “I think it’s best if we go our separate ways from here. You were right. We don’t belong together and the longer we carry on this charade the worse it will be when one of us decides to walk away.”

  She took a step back from him. “So this is goodbye, Devlin.”

  Dev’s heart pounded. No, this couldn’t be happening! Not now. She stared up at him with her sad blue eyes and truth stared back at him. She gave up on them…on him.

  “No.” The single word left his lips in a rush. “Shannon, I’m not going to let you leave me.”

  She took another step back. “You can’t stop me.”

  “Shannon, I’ve been going crazy looking for you. When I went back into our room and saw you were gone…”

  A pained look crossed her eyes. “The room was never our room, Dev. Your room. Your home. Your rules.”

  “You’re wrong,” he said. “Before you, that place was just a house. You made that house a home just by being there. And I…I can’t let you go.”

  She ran her hand through her blonde hair. “Why drag this out, Dev? You don’t trust me and I get that, but this will never work. There are too many hurts that can’t be undone.”

  “I do trust you! After you left the police station in Colorado a detective forwarded your report to Marco. Marco’s new PI checked it out and found out that not only were you telling the truth but also how Johnny tried to sabotage you—us—with his lies. Thanks to you they have something to go after him with now.”

  She softly snorted. “So you believe me and trust me but o
nly because your new PI told you that you were wrong? That’s not good enough for me. Hell, that shouldn’t be good enough for you.”

  She took another step back. “Just let me go, Dev.”

  Blood rushed to his head. He was going to be sick. What could he say to make her see he needed her?

  “I had your things moved from the storage unit to my house in Miami. I think I finally understand why the only piece of furniture you own is a rocking chair. You bought the chair for the baby didn’t you?”

  Her eyes filled with tears and she nodded. “I found the rocker a week before I lost him. I could imagine holding him and rocking him to sleep.” She shook her head. “Dev, you had no right to move my things into your house.”

  He stepped forward and put his hands on her shoulders. “You’re wrong. Shannon, I have been an ass. You tried to tell me several times what had happened and I wouldn’t listen. I’m so sorry for that. But I know the truth now and I don’t want this to end.”

  “Why, Dev?”

  Her lips were puffy from unshed tears and he wanted nothing more than to kiss them, to let her know everything was going to be okay. He wanted to hold her until she knew she was safe. He wanted…

  His breath hitched.

  “I can’t believe I almost let it happen again.”

  She looked up at him. “Let what happen?”

  He shook his head, trying to clear it. “Shannon, I can’t let you go because I am hollow without you. I don’t want to end up like your dad or even mine. Without you, I will become those men. You give me hope and joy. But most of all you give me love.

  “I can’t let you go because the world seems less without you in it. It’s as if someone turned down the light and only your smile will brighten my life.” He took in a ragged breath. “But most of all I can’t and won’t let you go because I love you. I love you so much it hurts, Shannon. I love you so much the thought of losing you kills me. I…”

  Shannon let out a sob and pulled his head down to hers. Her lips brushed against his as tears fell down her face.

  “Say it again,” she begged through her tears.

  He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into his warmth. He never wanted to let her go.