Book 2: 3rd World Products, Inc.

by Ed Howdershelt

  Leslie giggled and shook her head.

  Ellen regarded me doubtfully for a moment, then said, “Yeah. Okay. Stephie, we'll be back in a couple of hours, unless you'd rather just keep him overnight. It's getting late and we've all had a long day."

  "Okay, Ellen. I'll put him to sleep after I finish fixing him and you can pick him up in the morning. A lot of people are asking a lot of questions and they all think they need to see him immediately, but I'll just tuck him in back here and tell them to make an appointment for tomorrow."

  Ellen laughed. “An appointment. I like that idea. They'll be hounding us, too. Do you have room for two more in here? No, just kidding. We'll just remind them that the crisis is over and tell them to call tomorrow."

  After a round of goodbyes, the ladies left us. A couple of hours later, Stephie pronounced me generally repaired and told me the microbots would be continuing their efforts for a couple of days, until I was completely repaired, and then go into a form of hibernation as the previous batch of ‘bots had done.

  The anaesthetic and the long day collaborated to knock me out even as Stephie was telling me about all the repair work she'd done inside me.

  Morning began earlier than I like, but it also began with a small jar of instant coffee, my travel mug, and breakfast. Leslie put the breakfast tray on the examining table as Ellen hung a set of khakis on the wall hook.

  "One of your suitcases wasn't too badly damaged,” she said, tossing me a balled-up pair of socks. “You won't be naked, after all."

  "Kewl. I was kind of hoping I wouldn't have to wear the stuff I was wearing yesterday.” I indicated the burned and torn shirt and pants on one of the chairs.

  Leslie said my mug had survived due to my habit of keeping it in the fridge between uses.

  "See, Ellen? And you used to giggle about that. I'm vindicated at last."

  Leslie asked, “Well, why do you keep it in the fridge, Ed?"

  Ellen said, “You shouldn't have asked, Leslie."

  Leslie looked at her quizzically and then looked at me, waiting for her answer.

  As I dug into breakfast, I said, “In case of explosions, obviously."

  She gave me the 'you're being wearisome' look and asked, “Really, why?"

  "Bugs, ma'am. Vietnamese bugs, African bugs, Florida bugs, and anywhere else's bugs. Screens never stopped ‘em all and they're too damned stupid not to climb in and drown and they always seem to do it when you aren't looking. They're also hard to notice when they've sunk to the bottom of the cup. Until it's too late, of course."

  Ellen had heard the litany before. She rolled her eyes as Leslie said, “Eeewww."

  I said, “That's exactly how I feel about them,” and forked up some more bacon. “There's nothing quite like being called away and returning to find something swimming—or not—in your coffee. Coffee was often hard to come by, too."

  "Well,” said Leslie, “Why didn't you just put a book or something over the cup?"

  "Tried that. Came back to find the book missing and a fly backstroking around in my cup. Tried a lot of things, but nothing beats putting your cup in the fridge."

  Ellen asked, “How are you feeling this morning?"

  "Pretty good. I knew Stephie would make a great doctor. She says some people want to see me this morning."

  Ellen laughed. “A lot of people want to talk to you about yesterday, Ed. They've seen the records that Stephie provided, so now they mostly want to know why the computer went insane when you arrived."

  "So do I, Ellen. I don't think it did, really. I believe someone found a way to at least partially control it, but I don't know why or how they made it do all those things."

  "Nonetheless, you're due to meet with the Board of Directors at ten."

  "Oh, wonderful. Have they met Stephie yet?"

  "They certainly have. That's one of the things they want to talk about, I think."

  "Uh, huh. Well, I guess they'll be wanting me to hand over the keys, too. That won't happen without a lot of discussion. Stephie, I'll be dealing with bureaucrats today. Think about what you want to do if these bureaucrats decide not to keep you."

  "That's easy, Ed. I'll go back with you and Elkor can make another flitter for me."

  "I don't know if he still has that capacity, now that he's some kind of a hermit."

  "He can do it, Ed. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

  I nodded, then looked around the tray and said, “The coffee and breakfast is a great wakeup, ladies. Thank you. But since I still need a razor and toothbrush, I think I'll head to my room soon."

  Ellen said that she was on an inspection team and had to get going, anyway, then added with a wry grin that because of all the damage, she probably wouldn't be available until later in the day.

  Leslie's face flickered brightly before it became a mask of moderate remorse.

  She turned to Ellen and said, “That's too bad. I guess that means we'll have to use maps to find our way around."

  Ellen wasn't fooled. “Not necessarily. I can find someone. School is out for a couple of days, at least. Maybe one of the students..?"

  Leslie glanced at me and I saw that a student wasn't what she'd had in mind.

  "No,” I said. “No kids, please. We'll wander around on our own, instead. Stephie can guide us if we need to go somewhere in particular."

  Leslie looked slightly relieved and Ellen nodded.

  "Okay, then. See you later. Remember; the boardroom at ten. It's nine now."

  "Yas'm. Ten. Got it."

  When Ellen had left us, Leslie turned to face me rather sternly, her hands on her hips. I finished my breakfast and sipped coffee as I waited for her to say something. Apparently I was supposed to have stopped eating to ask what was wrong, because all she did was become more tense as I kept eating and didn't ask.

  I stacked my dishware and finished my coffee, then went to the clinic's bathroom and turned on the shower. I heard some small sound from the front room, then footsteps coming toward the bathroom. Leslie appeared in the doorway.

  "Ed, we need to talk."

  "Okay, then, I'm listening. Talk."

  I slipped off the hospital gown and stepped into the shower.

  Holding the glass door open, I asked, “Care to join me, ma'am?"

  "No, I do not. We need to straighten some things out, Ed."

  "I wasn't aware anything was bent, Leslie. I also wasn't aware that you were upset about anything until you gave me that look after Ellen left, so just tell me about it and lose the attitude."

  I let the glass door slide shut and started at the top, cleaning stuff out of my hair that I hadn't realized was there. It occurred to me that I was lucky to have hair at all after the fireball threw me out of my room.

  For a couple of minutes Leslie stood in the doorway, then she walked away. When I finished my shower and went out front for my clothes, I didn't see her, but the breakfast things were gone. I got dressed and transferred my pocket stuff.

  Stephie said that she'd found me a razor and toothbrush and that they were on the countertop in the bathroom. I checked the bathroom cabinet and found toothpaste, but no shaving cream, so I made do with a bar of soap rather than wait.

  "Stephie, do you have any idea why Leslie's upset?"

  "No, Ed. She didn't speak to me about it, either."

  "Oh, well. Stephie, if I specifically ask you, “How's the weather?", you're to remove me from your command structure until I ask you, “Where is Texas?” If I specifically tell you that Houston is in Florida, you're to remove me from your command structure for one week. In either case, you are not to reveal to anyone the amount of time that I may not command you, but you may acknowledge that I am unable to do so."

  "May I ask the reason for these commands, Ed?"

  "I'm afraid that whoever messed with the station computer may try to coerce me to order you to do things. Enough of the right coercion can work, ma'am, no matter what anyone else may tell you about such things."

  "How should I
respond if you ask about the weather?"

  "Tell the truth; that the weather is what it is, even up here."

  "Okay, Ed."

  "Have you contacted Elkor about events?"

  "I sent him a full report for analysis. He said he'd be sharing it with Linda's offices and others."

  "Any word from Linda?"

  "Just a ‘well done'. No instructions. Leslie has returned."

  "Does she still seem pissed off?"

  "Perhaps a little, judging from her posture and expression."

  I rinsed and toweled my face and said, “Uh, huh. Well, I guess I'm about ready to face a board meeting. Later, Steph."

  "Wait, Ed. Will you be needing a new watch?"

  "Yeah, I think I will. The world in general doesn't need to know about my implant. Thanks for thinking of it before I got out of here."

  "Just give me a minute to make one and deliver it to you."

  As I walked out of the bathroom, I saw that Stephie had been right. Leslie didn't seem any happier than before.

  I put a beaker of water in the microwave to heat up and tapped some instant coffee into the jar lid. When the pile looked about right, I dumped it into my cup and poured some hot water on top of it. Leslie remained silent as I stirred things together.

  "Are you coming with me to meet the board people, Leslie?"

  "They're just a bunch of U.N. political appointees who were foisted into position. No thrill. I'll go if you think it's necessary."

  "Your choice. As soon as my watch arrives, I'll be heading that way."

  "Then I'll walk with you, but I'd rather not meet the board."

  The coffee was too hot. I almost asked Stephie to field-cool it, then realized that I should be able to do something like that, since it didn't involve lifting heavy things. I set the cup down and wondered how to get my field implant to do what I wanted.

  "You gonna tell me what's bugging you, or will I have to guess? Men aren't good at guessing stuff like that, you know."

  She stood very straight and said, “Well, you certainly aren't, anyway. When Ellen and I came in this morning, what did you do?"

  "Uh ... I said hello? Ate breakfast?"

  Her even gaze became a glare.

  "That's right. That's all you did. After all we've been through, that's all you did."

  I shrugged. None of my efforts to create a cold-field had worked. Just to see if the damned implant was still working, I sent a field into the coffee to stir it for a moment. The coffee began swirling. Yup. It was working.

  "You're supposed to be my secretary, Leslie. Ellen was here. What was I supposed to do, run over and kiss you?"

  "Oh, come on, Ed. Nobody with any brains is going to believe I'm just your secretary, especially not Ellen."

  "I don't care what they believe. This job isn't over until I'm on a transport back to Earth. Until then, our story stands. If you want to rewrite it a bit so that we can be more than that up here, that's fine. We'll rewrite it as soon as possible."

  "I don't see the point..."

  "That's right, you don't, and I'm wondering why."

  "I ... We don't have time to discuss it. We have to get going."

  "I'm waiting for my watch, Leslie."

  "Why? You don't need one. You were talking to ours without one yesterday."

  I sighed. “It's part of the grand illusion, Leslie. Part of the costume. At the risk of pissing you off, I'll tell you something. You don't have to know the 'why' of every little thing, and you should be able to figure out some of them for yourself. If you can't, just assume that whatever it may be is part of the role I'm supposed to play up here."

  "Is that what you're going to say when Ellen asks the same question? That she 'doesn't need to know the why of every little thing'?"

  "Ellen won't ask. She already knows."

  "Oh. Well. How absolutely wonderful for her. You know what, Ed? If you don't need me for secretarial duties this morning, maybe I should just find something else to do."

  "Maybe so, Leslie. I have enough to think about this morning. You can get with me later if you want to continue this discussion."

  Leslie simply stared at me as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing. My new watch floated in and settled on the table. I picked it up and put it on.

  "Thanks, Steph. I'm all ready to face the world, now."

  Leslie stared at me for a moment, then spun on her heel and walked out.

  Steph said, “Leslie is very upset about something, Ed."

  "She went through hell yesterday, Stephie."

  "So did Ellen, but she isn't upset. She seems quite settled today."

  "Ellen's a different personality. Actually, the fact that Ellen is handling things so well probably isn't helping Leslie to cope. Women compete with each other, sometimes without even realizing it and often even when they'd really prefer not to."

  "That sounds like an opinion, Ed."

  "It is, but it's an opinion based on observation. Leslie saw tall, blonde, gorgeous Ellen, understood that Ellen and I had once been together, and instantly went 'en garde'. Add that I instantly tossed our cover story for Ellen based on her thorough lack of credulity in the matter, which made her a confidant of sorts. Today, Ellen showed up apparently unruffled by yesterday's events. Leslie sublimated her reaction to Ellen well enough at the beginning, but it didn't quite disappear, and Ellen's demeanor today served to renew that reaction, even if it wasn't meant to."

  "You're saying that Leslie's feeling insecure?"

  "At least insecure. Perhaps even frightened. I've been the focal point of several rapid changes in her life and the inciter of a few. Job, location, adventure, then danger. We had great sex, too, and that can make a hell of an impression on a woman. I've survived an explosion and then had to assume a commanding role and slay a dragon of sorts. Her womanness is responding to the circumstances, and again, I'm the focal point. I'm also the only person she knows up here."

  "If you left, there would be many quite willing to help and befriend her, Ed. She would not be alone here in any sense."

  "We know that. Hell, even she undoubtedly realizes that, intellectually. But her gut is telling her that she's on Ellen's turf, far from home, and that she should hang on to me for dear life, at least for the moment."

  "What will you do, Ed? What can you say that will ease her mind?"

  "Nothing I could do would help, Steph. Nothing I could say would ease her mind. Her gut is telling her to keep me away from Ellen. The sight of Ellen with Robert might help. If Ellen was angry with me or resentful, that might possibly reassure Leslie a little, too, but Ellen doesn't appear to be cooperating in that regard."

  "No, she doesn't. Can you speculate about an outcome from all this?"

  "An outcome? No. That wouldn't be speculation. When I'm finished, I go home. Leslie will remain here as a teacher or go back to Earth. The immediacy is a speculation, though. Will she relax a bit and talk honestly about what's bugging her? If so, she'll answer most of her own questions and insecurities and probably settle down. If not, I'll proceed without a secretary and they'll find her other fill-in work elsewhere on the station or ship her home. I don't need the hassle."

  I gave up on cooling my coffee by using a field and dropped an ice cube in it.

  "Steph, I can't seem to make my field implant create a cold field like you can. What all should I be able to do with this thing?"

  "Your implant is a miniature version of my field control mechanism, Ed. You should be able to do—in a limited fashion—anything that Elkor or I can do."

  "Well, I can't seem to make the connections the way you do, obviously. Kemor had to help me just to make a penny move, and we think that the only reason that I made that connection afterward had to do with the microbots repairing me while I napped."

  "Do you think a similar boosting by me would help you somehow understand how to cause the effects you want?

  "I think it couldn't hurt to try, coach. I don't have time now, but when I'm back in my room,
I'd like for you to work with me on this. Moving small objects around can't be all there is for me."

  "Okay, Ed. I'll try to find the time."

  I'd been heading for the door, but that stopped me.

  "The time? Steph, if you have that much to learn quickly about running this station, my coffee-cooler field can wait. I didn't realize ... Well, just let me know, okay?"

  "I'm sorry, Ed. I tried to make a joke. I guess I'd need a face for that."

  "Oh. Yeah, Stephie. Maybe so. But now that I understand, your joke is successful, after all. You're right, too. Some things need a face to provide the right signals. That's something else we can work on this afternoon."

  I headed out the door and turned left.

  "Wrong way, Ed. The board room is two decks up and toward the dock."

  "Yas'm. Reversing course. How about telling me before I go the wrong way?"

  Stephie said, thoughtfully, “Well, I suppose I could do that now and then."

  I grinned.

  "That line worked for you, Stephie. No face necessary due to context. A thought ... You know how a Japanese question ends in a 'ka'? Maybe we could work out something like that to tag onto the end of one of your jokes. Something subtle, that wouldn't interfere with the intent, but would also let someone realize that you were joking?"

  "Maybe that would work, but I still think I need a face for the best ones."

  "Well, fish around for parts in the pictures on file and see what you can find."

  "Finding them is no problem, Ed."

  "I mean ... Oh, hell. Just try to assemble a few faces you wouldn't mind using from the parts you like best."

  "Okay. How's this?"

  Sophia Loren floated before me as I walked. No, it was almost Sophia Loren. There was a difference I couldn't quite identify.

  "Well, at least it isn't Marilyn Monroe. She's been overdone. Got any more?"

  "Maybe one of these?"

  A modified Barbara Eden appeared, then a slightly altered Elizabeth Montgomery, then an Ingrid Bergman materialized. Ingrid stayed as the others disappeared.

  "Good choice,” said Stephie. “I like her movies."

  "I didn't say anything."

  "Your involuntary responses were quite positive, Ed. I'll take this one. Would you mind if I made her nose a little smaller?"