‘So,’ she began, ‘all we’ve really talked about are the logistical problems involved in you and I –’ Rachel couldn’t believe she was about to say this ‘– being together, but I think that’s the least of our problems.’
He was listening intently, waiting for her to go on.
‘I’m a little nervous about bringing this up again because of the way you reacted earlier, back at the park.’
He sighed, sitting back and dragging a hand through his hair.
‘See, you’re annoyed already and I haven’t even said anything.’
‘I’m not annoyed,’ he denied. ‘Or maybe I am. I don’t know. But I’ll hear you out.’
‘Okay,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry if it seemed like I was patronising you, or analysing your feelings, so I’ll try not to do that.’ Rachel looked straight at him. ‘Which means you have to tell me what’s going on with you.’
He frowned. ‘What do you mean?’
She took a breath. ‘You don’t talk about Annie, you barely even mention her.’
He sighed loudly.
‘Catherine said –’
‘Fucking Catherine. This’ll be good.’
‘Just listen to me,’ Rachel said firmly. ‘Catherine said, and I have heard it elsewhere, that the more pain someone is in after a loss – that’s any kind of loss, separation, whatever – the quicker they’ll want to fill the gap with someone else.’ She stared down at a stain on the carpet, she couldn’t look at him. ‘And I don’t know if I can be that person, Tom,’ she added quietly.
‘You think that’s all you are to me?’ he said.
She shrugged, still not looking at him.
He sat forwards, leaning his elbows on his knees. ‘Okay, well I think it’s time we talked about us, before Annie.’
Her eyes flew up then. ‘Tom, we were kids.’
‘We weren’t kids. Maybe we were young, but what I felt for you was real.’ He paused. ‘And you treated me like I was your brother.’
‘That’s not how I thought of you.’
‘Yeah, well, not the night before you left.’
Rachel clenched her hands together. ‘We were drunk, Tom.’
‘Why do you always say that?’
‘Because it’s always true,’ she said, looking up at him again. ‘Both times we . . . we were heavily under the influence.’
‘Yeah, well, I could argue that it just helped us lose our inhibitions, express the way we really felt.’
She didn’t answer that.
‘I was in a pretty bad way after you left, you know, Rach,’ he went on. ‘I remember I woke up, it was nearly eleven and you weren’t there, and I knew your plane was already gone. I rang the airport anyway, just to check.’
She looked at him. ‘Did you think I wasn’t going to get on that plane, Tom?’
‘No, I knew you had to go,’ he shrugged. ‘I just hoped you also knew you had something to come home to. Someone.’
Rachel blinked back tears that were creeping into her eyes again. Why did he have to go and say that?
Tom sat back with a heavy sigh, folding his arms across his chest. ‘And then I got nothing, for how many weeks? Not a word, till that crappy postcard arrived.’ He shook his head. ‘I told you, you broke my heart, Rach.’
‘Tom . . . I had no idea,’ she said. ‘I never suspected you were attracted to me.’
‘So the making love part didn’t give you a hint?’
Her cheeks went hot pink. ‘It was the night before I left,’ she said in a small voice.
‘I know, it wasn’t your fault. I should have done something a lot sooner. That you can blame on youth and inexperience.’
Rachel sat forwards. ‘It was a long time ago, Tom, and we would never have worked out anyway.’
He frowned, considering her. ‘Why do you say that?’
She hesitated. ‘Well, because you were obviously meant to be with Annie, or else Hannah wouldn’t be here, and Sophie wouldn’t have you as her dad.’
He nodded faintly. ‘Annie knew all about you, you know.’
Rachel’s eyes widened. ‘What?’
‘She knew everything,’ he said. ‘She was cool about it; it was before we met, after all. And you behaved impeccably when you came back home, so she didn’t have any reason to be jealous.’
Rachel’s heart was pounding. It seemed so strange that someone else knew about something she’d barely admitted to herself. She wondered what Annie had really thought, if she had been a little jealous, if she hadn’t completely trusted her, if she’d ever watched her closely around Tom.
Well, she wouldn’t have seen anything. Rachel had kept Tom at a distance over the years; he was someone else’s husband, they couldn’t have the same friendship as before.
‘I’ve never told a soul what happened,’ she said.
‘Not even Catherine?’
‘Catherine’d be the last person I’d tell. You know she was a bit obsessed with you back then. I don’t think it was that serious, it’s more of a conquest thing with Catherine. But she was very jealous of poor Annie, in the beginning at least.’
Tom seemed uncomfortable at that, and a silence descended on the both of them. It occurred to Rachel that he’d diverted the conversation away from Annie to talk about them instead.
She looked at him, staring across the room out the window, apparently deep in thought.
‘What are you thinking about?’ she asked.
He roused, meeting her gaze. ‘Nothing.’
She took a breath. ‘Why don’t you talk about Annie, Tom?’
‘Because I don’t have anything to say,’ he said squarely.
Rachel frowned. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean there is nothing to say, nothing new to add,’ he explained. ‘I miss her, every day. But I can’t dwell on that, Rachel. Talking about her, about what happened . . . it’s just painful, that’s all. The grief is always with me, I don’t have to dredge it up all the time. It’s not going to bring her back, it’s not going to change anything. So what’s the point?’ He took a breath. ‘I told you before, Rach, I can’t let the rest of my life be defined by something so tragic, so fucking incomprehensible. I feel like it could swallow me up. I want to move on. I have to.’
‘I just think that’s harder to do if you don’t deal with –’
‘For Chrissakes!’ he exclaimed, getting up and striding across the room impatiently. He turned around to look at her. ‘I don’t know if it’s a gender thing, but Christ, it seems that all you women want to do is talk and talk and pick over the carcass and suck everything dry. It’s okay to leave well enough alone sometimes.’
Rachel was too stunned to speak.
‘What do you want from me, Rachel?’ He held his arms out wide. ‘Will you only be happy once I’m a broken, blubbering mess, curled up on the floor in the foetal position? Will that prove to you that I’ve grieved enough?’
‘You don’t have to prove anything to me,’ she said, her voice faltering.
‘Then what is it?’ he went on, still angry. ‘You want me to feel guilty because I have feelings for you? Well I can’t. I can’t help what I feel, so I refuse to feel guilty about it.’
‘No, no, I’m sorry,’ Rachel cried, getting to her feet. ‘This is about me, I’m the one who feels guilty. I couldn’t cry for Annie, Tom, I told you that. I couldn’t cry, and when I did cry, that night after the funeral, it was for you. I never felt as close to Annie, all these years, she was so kind to me, but I know I was holding myself back, because you were with her, and you couldn’t be my best friend any more.’
‘Rachel . . .’
‘I promise, I didn’t let myself think of you like that, I didn’t even realise I still did till the other night, and so yes, now I feel guilty.’ She covered her face with her hands as the sobs rose up in her chest.
Then she felt Tom’s arms close around her, holding her tight. ‘It’s okay.’ He lifted her chin after a while so she had to look at him. ‘You have nothin
g to feel guilty about, Rachel.’
‘I can’t help it, it just feels wrong.’
‘Listen to me,’ he said. ‘Annie’s gone. I loved her very much, but she’s gone. And I just don’t accept that what we had will be undermined or diminished somehow if you and I are together now.’
‘But people will think –’
‘Yeah, people will think they can dictate what’s appropriate behaviour when they have no idea what they would do in the same situation,’ Tom insisted. ‘I don’t see why I should put my life on hold to make other people comfortable.’
‘What about the girls?’ she sniffed.
‘Of course, I realise they need some time. But I don’t. I don’t want to waste any more time, Rachel.’
She gazed up at him as he held her face, wiping her tears away with his thumbs.
‘If this has taught me anything,’ Tom went on, ‘if it’s left me with anything positive at all, it’s that life really is short. I want to grab hold of happiness wherever I can find it. And it’s here, right now, right in front of me.’
His eyes were glassy, staring into hers, and Rachel felt a rush of tenderness towards him.
‘Don’t we deserve to be happy, Rachel?’
She made a little noise in her throat as he brought his lips down onto hers. And as they kissed, Rachel let all her doubts, all her misgivings, rise up and float out across the rooftops to the ocean, because she did want to be happy, and finally, just maybe, she felt like she had a chance.
After a long while, Tom drew back to look at her. ‘Okay, hold on,’ he said. ‘We’re going to do this right.’
‘What do you mean?’
He took both her hands in his. ‘I would like to establish for the record that neither party is currently under the influence of alcohol, or drugs, or any other mind-altering substances,’ he said, ‘so any DUI charges are not going to stick, are we agreed?’
She smiled. ‘We’re agreed.’
He started to walk backwards across the room, drawing her with him. ‘And I further wish to confirm that the party of the first part is not currently in possession of a plane ticket out of the country for tomorrow?’
She shook her head, still smiling, as they stepped into the hall.
‘Passage on a boat to Tasmania?’
‘Nope,’ she said, changing direction so that now she was backing him into her bedroom.
‘A train pass to the Central Coast?’
‘Not even,’ she said, bringing her hands up to circle his neck and kissing him soundly. ‘There is one problem though.’
‘What’s that?’
She sighed. ‘I’m still not on the pill.’
‘Aha, reach into my pocket, my love.’
She raised an eyebrow. ‘Which one?’
‘Well, you can try them all if you like, for fun.’
She gave him a playful tap on the backside as he leaned in to kiss her again. ‘Front, left,’ he murmured, against her lips.
‘Your left or my left?’
‘Mine.’
Rachel slipped her hand into the pocket of his jeans and drew out a strip of condoms, leaning back from him to hold them up. ‘Well you were very sure of yourself, mister.’
He gathered her close again. ‘I’d prefer to call it “cautiously optimistic”. I also wish to state for the record that my intentions were honourable. I didn’t want a repeat of the previous unpleasant episode. I had no idea you were about to shatter my hopes and call into question my very motives, and that it was going to take me the best part of a day to convince –’
Rachel brought his face close to hers. ‘You’re going to have to stop talking so much.’
His lips sank into hers, and this time she was right there for every second, every sensation. She didn’t resist as he removed her clothes, piece by piece, ever so slowly. And she didn’t feel embarrassed as he gazed the length of her naked body, or awkward as he held her gaze, gradually lowering her onto the bed and nestling his hips between her thighs, before gently, almost reverently, drawing himself up inside her, pausing long enough to lean down and brush his lips and tongue against hers. Then, as their bodies surged and subsided against each other, Rachel arched back as wave after exquisite wave washed over her, until she felt him shudder and groan then collapse into her. She cradled him with her arms and legs, and they lay there, wrapped around each other, entirely spent, drifting slowly, sweetly, out of consciousness.
A muffled tune, Rachel knew it but couldn’t name it, was creeping into her head. What was that? She wanted to block it, she didn’t want to think, to come out of this.
‘Fuck!’ Tom almost leaped off her. ‘That’s my phone.’
Rachel blinked, squinting. He was already perched on the edge of the bed, slowly coming into focus. The tune stopped playing.
‘What time is it?’ he said urgently.
Rachel lifted her head but it felt cloudy. ‘Um . . .’
He was digging in the pocket of his jeans. Rachel let her head drop back onto the pillow again as she fumbled for the sheet, covering herself. He’d found his phone and flipped it open.
‘Shit, that was Hannah,’ he said, pressing to call back and holding the phone to his ear as he reached around, gathering his things off the floor. ‘Hello Han? Sweetheart, I’m so sorry, are you okay? You won’t believe it, I fell asleep.’ He was hastily and rather clumsily pulling on his clothes with one hand. ‘No, no, tell Mrs Fleming she doesn’t have to do that, I’ll be right there, I’m leaving now, okay? No, I’m sure. Tell her I’m very sorry. I’ll see you soon, bye darling.’
He flipped the phone shut and stood, pulling his jeans up.
‘Is everything okay?’ Rachel asked.
‘Yeah,’ he said, yanking his shirt over his head. ‘I completely lost track of the time, I wasn’t even thinking . . . so stupid,’ he muttered, looking around the floor. ‘My shoes must be out there,’ he said on his way out the door. He reappeared a moment later, fishing his keys from his pocket. ‘Okay, I better run. I’ll see you later.’
Then he was gone. Rachel lay there, not moving, a dull ache rising up in her chest. She heard the front door open, and close again, but then footsteps came back down the hall. He appeared in the doorway, his expression contrite. ‘I’m sorry, Rach,’ he said, coming over to the side of the bed and leaning over her.
‘It’s okay, I understand, you have to hurry.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Of course, go.’
‘Okay.’ He bent to kiss her quickly on the mouth. ‘I’ll call you later.’
She nodded. ‘Drive safe.’
‘I will,’ he said as he headed out of the room. ‘Bye.’
She heard his footsteps in the hall again, and then the door closed with a bang. She breathed out, but the dull ache was still there. She brought her forearm up to rest across her eyes. Don’t cry, you silly baby. He had to go and pick up his daughter, he didn’t have a choice. But she felt sordid, or cheap, or something. Empty probably. She was just being ridiculous. What was he supposed to do?
Her phone rang loudly into the silence. She reached over and grabbed it from the bedside table. ‘Hello,’ she croaked.
‘Hi, it’s me.’
‘Oh, hi Catherine.’
‘Don’t sound so excited,’ she retorted.
‘Sorry, I’m a little foggy. I just woke up.’
‘My god, what time did you get to bed last night?’
‘No, I was having a nanna nap.’
‘What’s worn you out?’
‘Sorry?’
‘Sleeping such a beautiful day away. Honestly Rachel, you should be out getting some fresh air, and a bit of exercise wouldn’t hurt.’
Oh, she’d burned plenty of calories this afternoon. ‘I went for a long walk earlier.’
‘Well, what do you know,’ Catherine said. ‘So how do you think it went last night?’
‘Um . . .’ She shuffled up to sit with her back against the bedhead. Last night? Was it only last nigh
t they were at Catherine’s house? It seemed like several lifetimes ago. ‘It was great, Catherine, it was a lovely night. Thanks.’
‘What did Tom have to say?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, I haven’t heard from him. I thought he might have called to say thank you at least.’
Rachel sighed. ‘He’s a guy, Catherine. And he doesn’t have Annie to do that for him any more. Give him a break.’
‘Fair enough,’ she relented. ‘Well what did he say to you?’
‘Why do you think I’ve spoken to him?’
‘He drove you home,’ Catherine reminded her.
‘Oh, yeah.’
‘So did he say anything?’
‘Um, he said it was . . . great. They had a really nice time.’
‘That’s pretty generic. I went to a lot of trouble, you know.’
Rachel sighed inwardly. ‘I’m sure he appreciated that.’
‘Well, did he say anything about me? That it was good to talk to someone who knew what he was going through?’
For crying out loud. ‘You don’t know what he’s going through, Catherine, none of us do.’
‘I meant as far as the girls are concerned,’ she said. ‘I wanted him to feel that a dialogue has been opened, that he can come to me when he has issues, you know, about the girls, their schooling, anything.’
‘I’m sure he knows that.’
‘Did he say so?’
‘Oh for Chrissakes, Catherine. Was this all about you? Or did you genuinely want to do something for them?’
‘I’m just asking. What’s wrong with you?’
‘Nothing, sorry,’ she muttered. ‘I’m just tired.’
‘But you’ve been sleeping all day.’
‘I haven’t been sleeping all day,’ she retorted. ‘I just haven’t woken up properly yet.’
‘Well, I’ve obviously caught you at a bad time.’
‘Yes you have. So I’m going to hang up now, before I’m tempted to hang up on you.’
‘Snippy, snippy.’
‘Goodbye Catherine.’
Rachel sat up late watching bad TV, not wanting to admit that she was waiting for Tom to call. But she badly needed to hear his voice. She felt uneasy about the way things had ended today, and her mind was in a whirl, going off on tangents, revisiting all the issues, all the problems they were going to have, allowing doubt to creep back in . . .
Three’s a Crowd Page 24