At eleven she’d had enough. He must have forgotten, she decided, brushing her teeth; out of sight was obviously out of mind. And that’s the way it was going to be from here on in. They wouldn’t be able to spend much time together, certainly not out in public, at least nowhere around here. Her office was out at Alexandria, while his was in the heart of the city, so they couldn’t even meet up for lunch. And with the girls going back to school they wouldn’t be off staying at their friends’ places so much. Rachel had a dreaded feeling that their ‘relationship’ was going to consist of the odd booty call.
She fell into bed, but her mind was still racing. How were they going to gradually ‘introduce’ this ‘idea’ to the girls anyway? How could they let it unfold slowly when they were already sleeping together? They’d have to come up with some kind of fake act to create the impression they were just starting out. The whole thing was fraught, not least how she was ever going to deal with Catherine and Lexie.
The phone rang, giving her a start. It must be him. She picked it up.
‘Hi.’
‘Hi.’
Silence.
‘Are you okay?’ asked Tom.
‘Sure.’
‘Is it too late, am I calling too late? Were you asleep?’
‘No, I wasn’t asleep.’
‘You sound a little sleepy.’
‘I am, but I wasn’t asleep.’
‘I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier,’ he said. ‘Soph was in a talkative mood, she wanted to tell me all about her weekend after Hannah had gone to bed. It was nice, really, I didn’t want to rush her.’
‘Of course not.’
‘But now you’re mad at me.’
‘I’m not mad.’
‘Rach, I’m sorry about what happened this afternoon. I was just thrown, and I know I wasn’t very sensitive and I really am sorry, it won’t happen again.’
‘Of course it’ll happen again, Tom. It’ll happen again and again. And again.’
She heard him sigh. ‘See, you are mad at me.’
‘I’m not mad, I’m just being realistic.’
‘Rachel, please don’t let things slide back again.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘We finally got somewhere today, didn’t we? Sorted out the bullshit?’
‘Oh really? Is that what we did?’
‘Rach –’
‘No Tom, don’t you see? We haven’t got rid of the bullshit, we’ve boarded the bullshit express. I don’t know how this is going to work.’
‘We can make it work if we want to. Look, I know we’re going to have to be . . . discreet –’
‘Discreet? There’s a euphemism if I ever heard one,’ said Rachel. ‘Tom, we’re going to have to lie to our friends, and you’ll have to lie to your daughters, and we’re going to have to sneak around and hardly ever see each other. What kind of a relationship is that?’
‘It’s all we’ve got at the moment,’ he said plainly. ‘But I’ll take it. Because I love you, Rachel. And I don’t want to lose you this time.’
Her heart cramped in her chest, and she could feel tears rising in the back of her throat. He loved her?
‘Rach? Are you still there?’
‘Yeah, I’m still here,’ she said thickly.
‘Are you crying?’
‘No, I’m not crying,’ she sniffed.
‘I wish I was there with you.’
She released a tremulous sigh. ‘Me too.’
‘Can I come over one night this week?’
‘What about the girls?’
‘They’re still off school for most of the week, they’ll be doing stuff.’
‘Okay.’
‘I’ll call you.’
February
They finally made a date for lunch for Lexie to face Catherine. It was Rachel who turned out to be the most difficult one to pin down, which was a first. It was just that Tom could almost always duck away for a couple of hours through the day on a weekend, even if he had to be home with the girls at night. And Rachel was far too selfish of what little time they had together to give it up for lunch with the girls. A disgrace to the sisterhood, she was well aware, but it wasn’t a permanent situation.
She had to admit there was something incredibly seductive about this undercover caper, it had given her a little insight into why people had affairs. Of course she also knew she would get sick of it eventually; basically they spent the whole time in bed, but the sex was so damn good she wasn’t going to complain about that. However, it was only half a relationship, or less to be entirely honest, and that felt like half a life, which was going to wear very thin before long, though Tom assured her that when it did, it would be the trigger for them to start to come out from the shadows. The idea still made her head spin, so she tried not to think about it. She would cross that bridge when she came to it, which for once was probably a reasonable strategy; there was no way of predicting how that would go, so why worry unnecessarily? Tom was always telling her that the girls adored her and that, given time, they would have no problem accepting her into their lives. He similarly reassured her about Lexie, reminding Rachel of what a sweet nature she had, that once she got used to the idea she’d only want them to be happy. Catherine was another matter entirely; Tom would just shake his head and change the subject at the mention of her name. But sometimes Rachel was aware that a tiny part of her was secretly gloating, that Catherine could throw all the histrionics she liked when it all came out, but it wouldn’t change the fact that Tom wanted to be with her. It was so adolescent, yet strangely satisfying at the same time.
Today Rachel was particularly excited because Tom was staying over, for the first time since the girls had gone back to school. It was only fair to give them a few weeks to settle into a routine, and now their patience was being rewarded, with Sophie staying at a friend’s and Hannah invited to a sleepover party on the same night. Tom wasn’t dropping Han off until six and Rachel could hardly wait, so lunch with the girls was a perfect distraction.
They planned to meet at the Clovelly Hotel. Lexie had lined up her mother to mind the children; they were expected there later for dinner for Eric’s birthday, so that had turned out well. Lexie offered to pick up Rachel, but it was a gorgeous day so she decided to walk, and Catherine was meeting them there. Rachel was first to arrive, which was another first in itself, and when Lexie rushed in breathlessly, fifteen minutes later, Catherine had still not shown up.
She stooped to give Rachel a kiss hello. ‘Where’s Catherine?’
‘I don’t know, she’s not here yet.’
Lexie slid onto the seat opposite. ‘Really? You don’t suppose she got the date wrong?’
Rachel shook her head. ‘I was talking to her only yesterday, she definitely knew it was today. I’m sure she’ll show up soon enough.’
And she did – like a hurricane. Or something similarly wild and out of control.
‘You can blame my daughter for my late arrival,’ she fumed, as she reefed a chair out from the table and dropped into it, crossing one leg over the other with a dramatic flourish.
‘What happened?’ asked Rachel.
‘I need a drink,’ she declared, her eyes searching the table. ‘What the fuck are you two drinking?’
‘Mineral water,’ Lexie offered meekly. ‘We were waiting for you, because you always like to choose the wine.’
‘I wasn’t going to have a drink, just so you know,’ said Catherine. ‘I was planning an alcohol-free day, like all the authorities recommend. But that child has driven me to it.’
‘Catherine,’ Rachel said calmly, ‘will you please tell us what happened?’
She took a breath, making quite a show of collecting herself. ‘Alice went to a sleepover last night like a normal teenage girl,’ she paused for effect, ‘and she came home as an emu.’
‘What?’ Lexie and Rachel glanced at each other, mystified.
‘You know, the ridiculous asymmetrical haircut, dyed jet-black, the tight black
clothes from head to foot. The sullen attitude, though that’s nothing new for her.’
‘Oh,’ said Rachel, getting it. ‘You mean emo.’
‘That’s what I said,’ Catherine dismissed. ‘I was so furious, I could barely say two words to her.’
Rachel doubted that.
‘Are we going to have something to drink?’ Catherine demanded.
Lexie jumped up. ‘I’ll go. A bottle, yes? What would you like?’
‘I couldn’t give a fuck as long as it’s alcoholic,’ she snapped.
‘Right.’ Lexie grabbed her bag and skittered off towards the bar.
‘So,’ said Rachel. ‘How did it end up with Alice?’
‘I’ve grounded her for the foreseeable future, till I work out the wider consequences,’ said Catherine. ‘I might just have to keep her locked up until her hair grows out.’
Rachel thought about it. ‘Wasn’t she already grounded?’
‘Yes she was,’ Catherine said each word distinctly, like shooting bullets from a gun. ‘And I should have stood my ground. But as I’m not an unreasonable person, and she behaved herself the night the Macklins came over, I gave in to her nagging and granted a reprieve. More fool me. Never again.’
Rachel thought carefully about what she was about to say. ‘Well, I know it must have been a shock, seeing her like that. But,’ she took a breath, ‘as far as I understand, at her age, and considering her socio-economic background, it’s a fairly innocent form of self-expression, a bit of a fad, a way to identify with a group.’
Catherine was glaring at her. ‘Well that goes to show just how little you know, Rachel.’
Lexie rushed back to the table with a bottle of white wine and three glasses.
‘That was quick,’ said Catherine with begrudging gratitude, snatching a glass from her.
‘Yes,’ said Lexie breathlessly. ‘The young man on the bar is going to bring over an ice bucket shortly,’ she said, pouring wine into Catherine’s glass, ‘I told him I couldn’t wait.’
‘At least somebody’s on the ball,’ Catherine remarked, taking a good mouthful of wine and closing her eyes as it went down with a sigh. She opened her eyes again. ‘Rachel here thinks that Alice is just playing innocent dress-ups.’
Wisely, Lexie made no comment.
‘What you don’t realise, Rachel,’ Catherine went on, ‘is that this is only the beginning. It’ll be body piercing next, then tattoos, though at least she needs my permission till she’s eighteen, which, needless to say, she will not get.’ She picked up her glass again. ‘But what’s even worse, the self-harm will follow, and then the drugs. It’s a slippery slope.’ She shook her head before downing half the contents of her glass.
‘Catherine, don’t you think you’re overreacting a little?’ said Rachel. Someone had to stand up for Alice. ‘You can’t punish her for behaviour you think she might engage in later.’
‘I’m not,’ Catherine insisted. ‘I’m trying to protect her from it.’
‘So why is she being punished?’
‘Because she cut and dyed her hair without my permission,’ she said simply.
‘Would you have given it?’ said Rachel.
‘What?’
‘Would you have given her permission to dye her hair black and have it cut in that style?’
‘No, of course not, that’s the whole point.’
‘Well, then, that’s why she didn’t ask you.’
‘There was a saying at my school,’ Lexie was nodding. ‘It’s easier to get forgiveness than permission.’
‘Oh, I see, so it’s my fault,’ Catherine baulked. ‘She’s just rebelling?’
‘Of course she is,’ said Rachel. ‘It’s pretty normal behaviour.’
Catherine was shaking her head. ‘It’s so easy for you to sit there and pontificate, Rachel,’ she sighed wearily. ‘You don’t have children of your own, yet you think you know how you would handle something like this. You have no idea how I felt when she came through that door, her beautiful long blonde hair gone, replaced with a hacked black mop.’
Rachel wondered if Catherine had ever told Alice her hair was beautiful; she could only remember her constantly harping at her to get it off her face.
Catherine poured herself another glass of wine. ‘You know, incredible as this might sound, sometimes I envy you, Rachel.’
‘Oh?’
‘I know it seems like I have it all compared to you.’
Lexie pulled a face.
‘But you don’t have any of the hassles either,’ Catherine went on. ‘No husband to get on your nerves, no parents bothering you with their petty problems. You have a job you don’t have to think about once you leave the office, and by the sounds of it, you don’t have to think about it that much while you’re there. You don’t even have a big house to look after.’
Not that Catherine looked after hers, she paid people to do it for her.
‘But most of all, you don’t have a child that you’ve raised for seventeen years, on your own for a good part of it, only to have her turn around and hate you.’
Rachel knew she should say something, but nothing was forthcoming. Lexie was similarly mute.
‘That’s what you’ve got ahead of you, Lexie,’ said Catherine finally, picking up her glass. ‘Mark my words. Get yourself a real job. Because parenting is the most thankless thing you could ever do with your life.’
‘Maybe we should order?’ Lexie suggested.
‘So Lexie,’ Catherine resumed, once they had their food in front of them, ‘you still haven’t emailed me that information. There are a lot of jobs being advertised in your field at the moment, now that the year is underway. We really need to get on with this or you’ll miss the window.’
Lexie calmly put her fork down on her plate and dabbed at the corners of her mouth with her napkin. She glanced across at Rachel, who gave her an encouraging wink.
‘Okay, well, the thing is, Catherine,’ she began, ‘it’s not really my field.’
‘Yes it is,’ said Catherine. ‘This is exactly the kind of work you were doing before.’
‘Yes, but what I’m saying is, I don’t want to go back to lab work.’
‘Oh? Well, why didn’t you say so?’ She picked up her glass. ‘I don’t know what else you’re qualified for . . . Are you thinking about retraining?’
‘No,’ said Lexie. ‘I’m very qualified for what I’m doing.’
‘Oh, not this again? What do I keep telling you?’
‘That being a mother is a relationship not a job,’ she chanted. ‘Yes, I know that’s what you believe, Catherine, but I happen to disagree. When did mothering become so worthless? We went from a time when it was expected, when women had no choice, and now we have the choice, it’s considered a waste of time, something you can outsource. Well, if I had the money, I’d outsource the cleaning and the ironing, but I don’t want to outsource raising my children.’
‘Are you suggesting that’s what I did with Alice?’ asked Catherine, one eyebrow raised accusingly. ‘That’s terribly simplistic, Lexie. Just because you put a child into day care doesn’t mean you forfeit your role as a parent.’
‘I’m not saying that, and I’m not judging you, Catherine,’ she said. ‘That’s the whole thing, I respect the choices you made that worked for you, so why can’t you give me the same respect? I’m good at what I do. Sure, it can get a little mindless at times, but I make the most of it. I have lots of interests and hobbies.’
‘Have you ever tasted her cupcakes?’ said Rachel. ‘To die for.’
‘I’m not just talking about domestic stuff like that,’ Lexie persisted. She was on a roll. ‘I take care of my mind and my body. I read, I keep up with current affairs, and I keep fit walking Riley to school and back most days, which is setting a very good example for him. My children have a routine, our life is much less stressful because I don’t work outside the house. Scott has enough stress in his job for the both of us.’
‘So Scott’s work ha
s to take precedence?’
‘Don’t put that spin on it, Catherine. It’s not that Scott’s work is more important.’
‘Oh, you misunderstand me,’ she said. ‘Scott’s work is obviously vital. He’s left to take on the entire load of financially supporting your family while you get to take care of “your mind and your body” and flit about . . . just like Annie always did.’
Rachel’s ears pricked up then.
‘Annie didn’t flit about!’ Lexie protested. ‘She was completely devoted to raising Sophie and Hannah. You only have to look at those girls, they’re a credit to her.’
‘And what about Tom?’ said Catherine. ‘Doesn’t he get any credit? After all, he was the one footing the bill the whole time for her lifestyle choice.’
‘You can’t call it a lifestyle choice.’
‘That’s what Tom called it.’
Rachel frowned. She remembered Tom talking about choices a while back . . . She remembered sensing his frustration at the time.
‘Sounds like you’ve got inside info,’ Rachel said, trying to sound casual.
Catherine tilted her head in a coy fashion. ‘Oh, well, Tom had a few too many drinks at a Law Society function last year, it was before Annie died, and he said some things.’
‘What kinds of things?’ Lexie asked defensively.
‘Look, it’s probably not fair for me to talk out of school, confidentiality and all that, but you get my drift,’ she dismissed. ‘How is Tom doing anyway?’ she asked Lexie. ‘Do you see him much?’
‘No, not really.’ Lexie was relieved to change tack, she didn’t like Catherine’s ‘drift’. ‘I was worried about him for a while there. I told Rachel that I often saw his light on in the middle of the night, and he seemed to just hang around the house on the weekends when the girls weren’t there. But now he never seems to be home unless they’re home.’
‘Hmm,’ said Catherine, her eyes narrowing. ‘I wonder if he’s seeing someone now.’
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