Derailed

by Alyssa Rose Ivy

  “Sounds good to me. I’m on Basil Street now. Number Five.”

  I hadn’t thought about where Ben lived. I still pictured him sleeping in his bedroom at his parents’ house—the room with the band posters lining the walls and every video game console known to man hooked up to his TV. I was curious what his current place looked like.

  “All right, I’ll be over in a bit.”

  “Great, I can’t wait.”

  I switched back to Becca. “Sorry about that.”

  “Who was it?”

  “Ben.”

  “Wait, as in high school boyfriend Ben?” Becca knew all about the drama surrounding us. She jokingly referred to him as “the one who got away” even though I’d remind her that I was the one who dumped him.

  “The one and only.”

  “Care to expand on why he’s calling you? Is he the ‘ocean air’ you mentioned earlier?”

  I laughed. I loved Becca’s humor. “Maybe a little.”

  “All right, go get some ‘ocean air’ then.” She laughed. “One of us needs a little fun.”

  “You could try dating again, you know.”

  “Great idea. Because I have such a good track record with that. Hey, doesn’t Ben have a brother?”

  “Yes, and he’s the last guy in the world I’d set you up with.” I wouldn’t sic Jake on my worst enemy.

  She laughed again. “Fine, but you can’t keep all those cute southern boys to yourself. You better send one my way eventually.”

  “All right, I’ll keep that in mind. Good luck with Civ Pro.”

  “I think I’ll be okay on this one. It’s Contracts I’m dreading.”

  “You’ll be fine. Just don’t push yourself too hard and make sure to get some sleep.”

  “I’ll try,” she promised.

  I hung up and added some more hot water to the bath. I enjoyed a few more minutes of soaking before draining the tub and taking a quick shower to wash off the remaining bubbles.

  It took me a minute to figure out what to wear over to Ben’s. I didn’t have much experience going over to a guy’s place for the express purpose of hooking up. I eventually settled on black yoga pants and a tank. It seemed like the right mix of cute and casual.

  I felt a small flutter of nerves as I parked out front of his place. I couldn’t pull in because his truck took up the whole driveway. His house was one of those small, cottage style homes. I walked up the front steps, ringing the doorbell while simultaneously reminding myself that there was nothing to be nervous about.

  Ben answered the door in nothing but boxers. And I worried about what I was wearing.

  “Nice of you to dress up for me,” I teased as I followed him in.

  “I just got out of the shower. I figured you were clean, I should be too.”

  He led me into his small den that had an equally small kitchen located just off it.

  “Nice place,” I commented, taking it in. What it lacked in space, it made up in character. Chair rails and the original wood floors gave the place a warm feel, and the sparse furniture made the most of the limited space.

  “Come on. Let me give you a tour.”

  He showed me a decent sized bathroom, a small room that housed all of his musical instruments, and finally his bedroom. For some reason we both paused in the doorway. As natural as what happened at my house had been, actually planning to let it repeat itself felt different, more dangerous maybe. He walked into his room and grabbed a pair of jeans off his bed. He stepped into his pants, buttoning them before walking back out.

  “Want something to drink?” He broke us out of our awkwardness.

  “Sure.”

  I followed him back to the kitchen where he opened two Pacificos, cutting up a lime to put in both. “You like these?”

  “Definitely. You can’t get much better in the summer.”

  He handed me my bottle before we moved into the den. Not ready to sit, I walked around the room. There were a couple of pictures on the mantle. One was of him with his family. The other was of us at the beach. He had his arm around me, and the smile on my face looked almost unfamiliar. Had I really ever been that young or carefree?

  “Um, yeah. I know that probably seems weird… but I like having it there.”

  I guessed this was the history part Gail had hinted at.

  “Does it weird out the girls you usually bring home?”

  “I haven’t brought any home in a while, and when I did, we didn’t exactly spend much time in here. By the next morning, I don’t think any of them would have cared.”

  “Oh.” I knew very well just how many girls Ben was with after I left. Kelly told me all about them, but it was different hearing him admit it. Clearly he had experience with the casual thing.

  “Yeah…”

  Awkwardness again.

  “So you want to watch something?”

  “Sure.” I was pretty sure that when you’re engaging in random hook up sex, you weren’t supposed to watch movies first, but I was willing to do anything to stop the weirdness. I was very tempted to bolt for the door.

  “Okay. What are you in the mood for?”

  “Umm. Something funny.” Comedies were usually a safe bet.

  He opened a cabinet and started flipping through DVDs. “How about Wedding Crashers? I remember you liked that one.”

  “Sure, I kind of have weddings on the brain anyway.”

  “Oh shit. Sorry, Molly. I wasn’t thinking.” He closed the cabinet and looked at me guiltily.

  “No, it’s not that. I meant I was thinking about Kelly’s wedding,” I reassured him.

  “Oh. I heard about that. It’s in July, right?”

  “July fifteenth.” I didn’t mention that the date was one I wasn’t likely to forget. “She actually wants me to take their engagement photos.” Maybe I could work the whole boat conversation in naturally.

  “Oh cool. You’re taking pictures again?”

  “I’ve started since I got home. I don’t know if I’ll get anything good, but I said I’d try.”

  “I’m sure they’ll be great.” He took a seat on the tan couch, and I joined him.

  “She actually…” I trailed off, not wanting to even ask. It seemed too presumptuous, and he might feel obligated to say yes.

  “What?”

  “Kelly wanted to see if there was any way I could take the pictures for her on the Serenity?” I asked, referring to the boat by name.

  “Sure. When would you need it?”

  “Saturday or Sunday.”

  “I don’t think we have anything scheduled for Saturday morning, if that works.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Absolutely. Well, on one condition.” He broke into a wicked grin.

  “What?” I asked hesitantly.

  “Come with me right now to check it out.”

  “Um, now? It’s after ten, and why?”

  “Just come.” He grabbed my hand, pulling me off the couch with him.

  “All right.” It’s not like we were having a blast at his place anyway.

  He pulled on a t-shirt that was slung on the back of the couch and snagged his wallet and keys off the half wall separating the den from the kitchen. “After you.” He gestured for me to walk out.

  I opened the front door, headed down the steps, and waited by the passenger door of his truck. He followed me out and went around to the driver’s side.

  It had been a long time since I’d been in a truck as big as his, and it took me a second to climb up. I buckled my seatbelt and noticed him staring at me. “What?”

  “It just feels like old times having you in my truck.”

  “It’s a different truck.” Or really it was an updated one. It was the same model Ford, but this one was new and blue, not gray. I remembered how excited he’d been in high school when his dad had given him his old one. We’d spent more time fooling around in that thing than I would ever admit.

  “But it’s still you and me.” He smiled a little, looking li
ke he was debating whether to say more.

  I didn’t give him the chance. “Aren’t we going to go?”

  “Yeah, okay.” He backed out of the driveway and drove down to the marina.

  He hopped out as soon as he parked and was waiting with a hand ready when I opened my door.

  I accepted his hand and jumped down. “Thanks.”

  He didn’t let go of my hand, and I didn’t try to pull it away. There was some serious nostalgia going on. Sneaking onto his dad’s boat brought back memories—or I guessed this time we weren’t sneaking.

  Ben led us down the dock and onto the boat, right to the front deck. “It might be a new truck, but it’s the same old boat.”

  I nodded. “That it is.”

  I headed over to the starboard side, leaning over the railing to watch the gorgeous full moon in the sky. He followed me over, standing behind me with his arms around me. I leaned back into him, closing my eyes.

  “I still remember every detail from that night, you know.” His arms tightened around me.

  “Me too.” I knew exactly what night he was talking about.

  “I remember how nervous you were afterward.”

  I nodded even though he probably couldn’t see. Maybe he’d felt it. “I was terrified I was pregnant even though I had no real reason to be.”

  “I seriously thought you’d never have sex with me again, that it would be a onetime deal.”

  “I thought so to.”

  “I wanted to hug Shayna when she came home from college and took you to get the pill.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, she really was a cool big sister to have. My mom would have killed me if I’d asked, and oh god, if my dad found out, you would have been dead too.”

  “Don’t I know it!” I imagined he cringed internally at the thought of my dad finding out. “I had a whole plan you know.”

  “A plan?”

  “For if you’d actually gotten pregnant.” His body tensed behind me.

  “A plan to handle a pregnancy at sixteen?”

  “Oh, it was a great one. You’d move in with me and my parents, and I’d take more hours working for my dad.”

  “I never got beyond the ‘my parents are going to disown me’ part.” I opened my eyes and looked at the sky again. “The moon was full that night too.”

  “All we need is a bottle of strawberry Boone’s, and we could reenact it.”

  I chuckled. “Strawberry Boone’s. Wow, we really had distinguished taste.”

  “Hey, all you’d drink was Boone’s and wine coolers. You hated beer, and I needed to find a way to get you drunk.”

  “I wasn’t drunk that night.”

  “I know,” he said quietly.

  I turned around to look at him. His brown eyes still had the friendliness they always did, but he looked so much older. Maybe it was another five years spent in the sun, or just time passing, but he certainly didn’t look like the same boy I left.

  He braced his arms on the railing, looking down at me. “You look so sad.”

  “That’s not really what a girl wants to hear.” I tried to make a joke of it.

  “You still look beautiful, but you look sad. What can I do to change that?”

  “You don’t have to change it. I’m used to feeling this way.”

  “That’s not an answer. I at least need to try.” He ran his hands down my arms, making me shiver. Just a small touch still had such an effect on me.

  I leaned up and kissed him lightly on the lips before settling back down on the balls of my feet.

  “Is that all you have?” He had that twinkle in his eye that I’d always loved.

  “No, I have plenty more.” I leaned up again, wrapping my arms around his neck to bring him down to my height. His arms wrapped around me as soon as my lips met his. The kiss was gentle this time. It lacked the heat of the night before. It was a kiss of sadness and regret and not of passion.

  I broke the kiss first, and he exhaled deeply.

  He brushed a tear off my cheek. I hadn’t realized I was crying.

  “Please let me make you better.”

  “Can’t you just make me forget?”

  “I need to know what you’re forgetting. It isn’t me, is it?” His eyes were wide, fearful of my response.

  “I couldn’t forget you if I tried.”

  He smiled faintly. “Okay, I’ll make you forget.”

  He pulled out a blanket from underneath a bench seat and laid it out in exactly the same spot where I’d lost my virginity to him. I followed him down to the blanket, not worrying about the tears that still fell silently down my cheeks.

  He placed light kisses all over my face and neck, his hands moving over me just as softly. He removed our clothes slowly this time, without the previous night’s urgency. We didn’t say anything, just watched each other. Ben kept his word. He did help me forget. But with his gentle lovemaking that night, he also made me remember something too—how much I loved him— and that terrified me more than any nightmares or memories could. Whatever it was that Ben and I were doing, it wasn’t casual.

  We barely said another word to each other, deciding to go home after an hour or so of cuddling together under a blanket staring at the stars. He held my hand as he led me back to the truck, opening the door for me this time before going around.

  When we got back to his house, I walked over to my car.

  “Did I make you forget?” he asked before I could open the car door.

  “You did.” I’m sure my eyes betrayed the other emotions flooding me.

  “You could stay here tonight, you know. You don’t have to go home.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “I wish you didn’t.” His eyes were wide and displayed everything he wasn’t saying. Staying the night would be agreeing to move things further than I could handle. Besides, there was no way I could let Ben witness my nightmares. I had to face them on my own.

  “Good night then.” He kissed me lightly on the lips before stepping back to let me get in the car.

  “Night.” I got ready to close my door.

  “Mol?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Whenever you’re ready to stay the night, the offer is open.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind.” I closed the door, pulling away from the curb before he made it to his front door.

  When I got home, I poured myself a cranberry vodka, light on the cranberry, and settled down on the couch. I needed to get to my numb place, and I needed to get there fast.

  Chapter Ten

  I moved through the motions Thursday, but I wasn’t really there. The night before, Adam wasn’t in my dreams, but Dad was. He was the one screaming for me, but I couldn’t actually hear it through the car door. Instead of a hook keeping me from the water—I couldn’t budge the door. No matter how hard I pulled, it wouldn’t give. A whistle blew, and I woke up crying hysterically. Even though it was the last place in the world I should have gone, I dragged myself down the hall into my parents’ bed just like I did as a little girl, before everything in life got so complicated.

  I thought about calling Gavin to cancel on our “friend dinner” a few times, but knew that if I did, I’d probably wind up at Ben’s, and that was a temptation I needed to resist. I knew I wasn’t good for him, but I couldn’t stay away. Every time I thought I’d pushed him from my head, his smile would show up in my mind again. Sometimes I’d think about what we’d done recently, but more often than not I’d remember something from when we dated. Usually that led to me comparing my time with him to my time with Adam, which was a horrible idea.

  “You okay, sweetie?” Gail asked after I overfilled someone’s coffee, splashing it everywhere. I knew she wasn’t asking if I got burned.

  “Oh, I’m fine, sorry for being distracted.” I picked up a cloth and mopped up my mess, smiling in apology as I handed over the coffee to the customer.

  “All right. You’ll talk to me when you’re ready.” Gail gently patted my back. She still smelled like
coffee and lavender. I liked the comfort of the familiar.

  I spent my break taking pictures of flowers at the nursery across the street. Mr. Adkins waved me in when I approached with my camera. I didn’t even have to explain what I was doing. The colors of the flowers were amazing, especially the roses, but I shot in black and white. There was something kind of poetic of robbing the flowers of their intense colors and revealing the parts of them that usually got overshadowed. Anyway, I was really more in the black and white mood.

  “Could I see your pictures?” Mr. Adkins asked as I got ready to leave.

  “Sure.” He leaned over me as I flipped through them.

  “Do you think you could print out some of those for me?” he asked.

  “Oh, sure I can.” I looked down at the picture on the screen, surprised he was so interested in my photos. “What type of sizes were you thinking?”

  “Maybe just some five by sevens. I’d love to put a few up in the back office.”

  “All right, not a problem. I’ll bring them over soon.”

  “Great. You’ve always been so talented with a camera; maybe if you’re really sure you don’t want to be a lawyer, you can try that.”

  “What, to be a professional photographer or something?”

  “Maybe. But what do I know? It was nice seeing you today. Come by anytime.”

  “Thanks.” I waved as I left. I wondered if I could figure out a way to make any money from my photos. I needed any income I could get.

  I was done with work at five, so I walked home slowly, not sure what to make of the night’s plans. I wasn’t sure where Gavin had made reservations, so I opted to wear a simple spaghetti strap black sundress, figuring it would work anywhere he took us. I hadn’t bothered with makeup, and I left my hair down.

  Gavin showed up a few minutes early, but I was ready for him. Sitting out on the front porch, I watched him pull his Yukon, complete with roof mounted fog lights and a front winch, into the driveway. Boys only drove big cars in Clayton Falls. It was nothing like the tiny Miata Adam had treated himself to when he got his signing bonus. I was always worried we’d get squashed driving around in it.

  Gavin was out of the car and on his way to meet me before I even got off the porch.

  He looked me over and smiled. “Hey, Molly, you look amazing.”