Shadow Soul (Narun Book 1)

by M. J. Bavis

  Somewhere between week two and three, I decided I had to leave the flat. The kitchen cupboards lay empty, the air cried for ventilation. The only conversation I’d had was when I informed work I quit for personal reasons.

  The phone had rung without me caring to see who was ringing and knocks on the door had been pleading and concerned. After a few days, the phone battery had died and brought some peace.

  The days rolling into another had passed with tears, fits of rage and numbing stillness. Reality and nightmares had blurred, and I had often wondered when I really was awake.

  I turned off the shower and dried myself off with a scratchy towel. I was literally driving myself crazy. The mirror witnessed my hollow cheeks and rebuked me. I had to find a way to get over this. I had to. Here or there, I could not let his sacrifice be in vain.

  Damn you, Leo.

  I dug out clean clothes and mechanically brushed my hair back. Slowly, I was looking more like a human. At least, the shell of one.

  I plugged in my phone and laid it on the bed. Calls from Leo, Jill, Tony, Sebastian, and a few unknown numbers, and messages from the same. I gathered Leo had filled Jill and Tony in as the messages soon changed in tone from clueless to concerned. Sebastian wondered where I had disappeared to. University informed me of a missed deadline and shocking attendance.

  Then there was a message that brought a trickle of life into me, received over a week ago.

  I read it, and read it again: ‘Camilla, I wondered if we could meet for coffee? Let me know. Anita.’

  It might be exactly what I needed.

  I texted back, apologising for the delay and querying when she was free. Then, I slid the phone in my pocket. The others could wait.

  I had to get some air.

  Warily, I slipped outside and stood with my back glued to the front door, devouring the oxygen for a few minutes. It was oddly warm, and a little too bright, yet the world stood annoyingly unchanged, clueless to the earthquakes in my life.

  I ventured down the street, welcoming the blood starting to pump in my veins. Step by step, I was waking from the dead.

  I was at the corner store when a text message beckoned my attention. Anita suggested lunch the next day. I confirmed, and then, basket in hand, stood still in the centre of the shop corridor, trying to second-guess Anita’s motive, until a curious cashier came to ask if I was okay.

  Quickly, I paid and walked back to the flat on autopilot. I was at the door, inches from my comfort zone when faint steps drew closer to me.

  “Kalika,” a strained voice said. I froze, pinpricks creeping up my scalp. “It’s good to see you.”

  My arm fell to my side, the key remaining in the lock.

  “I’ve been so worried…Will you please talk to me?” Leo’s brokenness was unveiled, each word bearing witness to it.

  Hardening myself to it, I faced him.

  Dishevelled, emotionally tortured—that was the man in front of me, not the Leo with a crooked grin. In fact, he reminded me of myself from this morning. I had a feeling his car had been his bed for the last few weeks, parked in front of my house.

  I dodged his bloodshot eyes the best I could.

  “There’s nothing left to say.”

  “I’m sorry, Kalika, so sorry. I never meant to—it wasn’t meant to…” Leo ran his hands through his unkempt hair, settling them to the back of his head.

  A sting of guilt started to pierce me. Not bearing the distress on his face, I whipped around and pushed the door open.

  It was all too messed up.

  *

  Anita sat by a table next to the back wall, glancing at the menu, putting it back, shifting in her seat. I watched her through the coffee shop window, giving myself a pep talk. She looked well, that much I could tell. Her face was bright, excited even.

  Why she wanted to meet me, was unclear.

  I focused on the faint reflection on the glass. She could see I wasn’t well. No amount of makeup could hide it.

  I pulled a face at my own reflection and focused back to Anita as she checked her watch. Time to go in.

  “Hi, Anita.”

  She smiled warmly, trying to hide both her relief that I had come and her worry for my worn face. “It’s good to see you again. Please, take a seat.” Anita motioned to the chair, her gaze never leaving me. I apologised for being late. “Don’t worry—I was early. Anyway, how are you? You look…well?”

  I fixed my eyes down at the table. “Anita, we both know that’s the last thing I look like.” I struggled not to tear up. I needed to unload onto her but there was no way I could pull her into any more drama.

  “Oh, honey.” Anita reached her hand across the table but lowered it palm down inches from my hand. “Is everything okay?”

  I swallowed, afraid I couldn’t hold it together. “I’ve been going through some stuff. It’s my own fault, really. I’ll be fine.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that, Camilla.”

  “Actually, my real name is Kalika.” I couldn’t face any more lies, especially when it came to her.

  “Ka-lika. It’s pretty.”

  A waiter came and we both ordered soup, the first thing on the menu.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “I-I’m sorry… I can’t. Let’s just say I’m—I’m doing some soul searching.” I raised a shoulder and let it drop, hoping Anita would accept the answer.

  She examined my face and pulled her hand back. “Ironic you’d say that.” Anita fixed a strand of hair back to her bun. “That’s actually why I wanted to see you. Ever since we parted ways—” I grimaced apologetically, but she flourished her fingers. “Water under the bridge, love. Anyway, you never left my thoughts. I understand you had your reasons for doing what you did and well, that’s your business, no one else’s.”

  I attempted to object, but Anita continued, “What I’m trying to say is that for someone going to the extent you went to, you must be really trying, and struggling, to find your place.”

  I held Anita in even higher esteem for not asking the questions most people would be dying to know.

  “I take it since you’re still here you’re wanting to stay and start over?”

  “That was the plan.” My chin quivered. “Now I’m not sure if I can. Everything’s so complicated.”

  “Well,” —Anita stopped to thank the waiter as he brought out the food— “maybe I could help you.”

  I stirred a spoon in the soup; it smelled comforting. “I’m not sure I follow.”

  “Have you ever considered taking up medical studies?”

  I jolted as the soup burned my tongue. “Medicine? Become a doctor?”

  “Yes! Cam—Kalika, think about it. You need a plan for the future and the reason you’re finding it hard to settle is that you’re trying to turn your back on who you really are.” Anita placed a napkin on her lap. “I don’t really understand how but what you did with Aaron…it’s a gift. You saved his life. Just think how many lives you could save…!”

  “It’s not that straightforward. I can’t heal people, I only see what’s wrong with them.”

  “Yes! What an advantage that’d be!” Anita pushed her bowl of soup aside.

  “Really, it’s not that simple.”

  “But it can be. I believe there’s a reason you have this gift. You were born to make a difference, and deep down you know it.”

  I squirmed, her words hitting a spot. I hated feeling useless.

  “Mull it over. You don’t have to decide anything now.” Anita buttered her bread roll before dunking it in her soup. “Mmm, this is delicious.”

  After we finished lunch, I hugged Anita goodbye and headed home, walking slowly along the streets.

  What Anita had suggested sat right with me. For the first time in weeks, I held a glimmer of hope that there might be a way out of my imaginary prison cell. That there might be a way of making a difference, of righting wrongs, of…repayment.

  Once I resolved the Blood Debt, I could start a
fresh—for the last time.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat.

  What if this was what I was meant to be doing all along? Maybe, just maybe, Kailen had been wrong?

  Prophecies are conditional. They—

  I jumped as a car cut into the pavement.

  “Camilla! You’re alive!” Sebastian shouted through the rolled-down passenger window, his face a beam of light. He reached over to open the door. “You lost your phone again?”

  “Something like that.” I placed a hand on the edge of the door, attempting at a casual expression. “I’ve had a lot going on.”

  My effort must’ve lacked conviction as Sebastian push out his bottom lip. “Sounds like you need some cheering up.” He patted the passenger seat with his hand. “Hop in. I’m taking you out.”

  Without a second thought, I climbed in.

  Chapter 30

  Jill squeezed the air out of me and dragged me through the door to her flat.

  “Are the doughnuts a peace offering?” She took the twelve-pack of iced doughnuts from me, still holding onto my arm. She looked as she had the last I saw her: as if nothing had happened.

  “An attempt at one, at least.” Bribery didn’t seem like such a good idea anymore.

  “Tony should be here any second,” Jill noted and gestured for me to take a seat.

  “I’m sorry I dropped off the grid again. It’s not intentional, I swear.” I sank into the sofa, elbow grazing the armrest. I should get them a recording of my apologies for Christmas.

  Jill curled up on her usual armchair.

  “Did Leo tell you what he told me at the cottage?” I asked carefully.

  “Not really.” Jill scrunched her nose. “He said it was between the two of you, which is fair enough. I gather it was a big deal, though.”

  Relief nudged the weight off my back. I wasn’t sure I would’ve felt comfortable with Jill and Tony knowing everything. I wasn’t even comfortable.

  “He’s pretty upset, you know.” Jill fiddled with her sky-blue T-shirt. “Leo, that is. He’s hardly left your street for the past weeks.” She lowered her chin. “He wasn’t too happy seeing you with Sebastian last night.”

  The thought of Leo being there when Sebastian had dropped me off—after we’d spent a few hours at the beach—hadn’t even crossed my mind.

  “That’s what you get for spying on people.”

  “What were you doing with him?”

  “Sebastian? I bumped into him and we hung out. I dozed off in the car, so he helped me inside.”

  Jill examined her nails. She had no intention of letting me in on her thoughts and I wasn’t particularly eager to be in the know.

  I slid my hands along my thighs just as a relaxed knock sounded from the door.

  For some reason, I was nervous of seeing Tony, like it was the first time meeting my friend’s boyfriend.

  “Milla-Kalika! Whatever your name is…” Tony sauntered in and threw his arm around me as he joined me on the sofa. “I see you brought bribes!” He squeezed me for a few seconds, let go, and took the doughnuts from the coffee table. “Wise move.”

  “It’s good to see you too, Tony.”

  Pink icing painted Tony’s lips from a bite too big. He picked up another doughnut with his free hand, put the box down, and swung his legs on the coffee table, only for Jill to instantly whack them down.

  “You okay?” Tony frowned.

  I pounded my fist once on Tony’s knee. “I will be.”

  “Good. Now,” he narrowed his eyes, “what you doing to my best man, though?”

  “Tony!” Jill rebuked.

  “What? She needs to know.” Tony angled towards me. “He’s a mess—worrying about you and kicking himself for doing this to you.”

  I stared at the corner of the table, elbows resting on my knees, fingers intertwined. I was the mess. “It’s not that simple, Tony.”

  “Nothing ever is, Milla, but you gotta do something. And being whisked into your flat late at night by Sebastian doesn’t help. Poor guy didn’t know what to think.”

  “I never asked him to sleep outside my flat!” I stood up and paced to the window, feeling a flush spreading on my cheeks. I traced the line of my eyebrow with a finger, staring aimlessly.

  I wasn’t angry at Leo or Tony. I was angry at myself.

  “I’m not trying to be harsh.” Tony’s tone had softened, probably from the effect of Jill’s stern looks.

  I jumped as he placed a hand on the back of my neck; I hadn’t heard him walk over.

  “Look, kiddo, I’m not saying you gotta become his partner, or even go back to Narun. But you need to talk to him, clear the air. Whatever this thing is between you, you have to sort it out. We want you to be happy. Both of you. So, figure out what you want.”

  What I want? Did it matter what I wanted? Kailen had made too many decisions for me. He’d taken away my choice when it really mattered. Then I had taken his life.

  And now I was ruining Leo’s.

  “I’ll…talk to him.”

  “Great.” Tony swivelled me around to face him. It must’ve been my glistening eyes that made him pull me into his chest. “It’s going to be okay, Milla.”

  I met his hug, drawing comfort from it. I didn’t have a biological brother, but Tony came close.

  “I owe you—a lot.” I pushed myself back. “You too, Jill.” I threw her an unusually coy smile.

  “Of course you do, kiddo. At least three more boxes of doughnuts.” Tony rocked my head gently from side to side with his palm, let go, and slapped me on the back of the head.

  “What was that for?” I smoothed my hair down.

  “That was for not returning my calls, little sis.” Tony scowled before throwing himself down on the sofa. “Don’t do that again. If it wasn’t for Leo keeping us updated, I would’ve kicked in your door.”

  “Sorry.” I winced. “And FYI, I’m still older than you.”

  He ruffled my hair. “Whatever you say, little sis.”

  *

  I peered through the window. Leo’s car was still parked in the same spot as last night when Jill dropped me off home. The figure inside appeared to be asleep on the lowered driver’s seat.

  The figure moved, pulling its arms closer to its chest in a restless sleep. I watched for a couple more seconds as the wind orchestrated a battalion of leaves to pummel the windscreens of the other cars parked on the road.

  Feeling confident I was doing the right thing, I pulled on my coat as I exited the flat, crossed the road and tapped on Leo’s car window.

  He jerked, scanning his surroundings whilst bringing himself to. As he saw me, he bolted upright and unlocked the door. I opened it but didn’t climb in.

  “Want to take a walk?”

  Leo nodded and scrambled out of the car. For once he lacked his usual sleekness of movement. I took in his crinkled clothes and weathered face. The realisation that I was the cause for his unkempt state filled me with remorse. No matter how much grief I thought he had caused me, I had no doubt directly contributed to the worst past years of his life.

  “How are you doing?” His voice panted with emotion.

  I took a moment, surprised I didn’t feel more uncomfortable with his presence. “I’ve had time to think things through.” I walked along the narrow pavement. Had Leo not opted for the road by the curb, we would’ve walked shoulder to shoulder. “You?”

  Leo took a stab at his signature grin. “I’m okay.”

  I wasn’t convinced.

  Stiff as robots, we headed to the park and settled into a pace slow for both of us. I hugged myself to keep the wind from blowing through me.

  Either Leo was out of words or he was waiting for me to take the lead. I held on until we were on the park path.

  Finally, I sucked in the damp air and said, “Leo, I owe you an apology.”

  “You don’t owe me anything.”

  “I do” —I touched his arm and regretted it, pulling my hand back swiftly— “I’ve been
so self-centred I haven’t really considered your side of the story. I’m sorry about that.”

  Leo lifted his eyes from the path to the horizon.

  “I also need to tell you what I’ve decided to do, and it’s only right I don’t prolong it.” I inhaled courage and exhaled it at the same breath. This time when I grabbed his arm to stop him, I let my hand stay, forcing composure.

  I have to do this right.

  “Leo, in spite of everything I now know, I’ve decided to stay here for good. And I want you to go back home, rebuild your life and do something that will bring you… purpose.” I was locked in his stare, ignoring the subtle changes in his face.

  “Kalika, you know I won’t—”

  “No. Listen to me.” I blinked slowly. “I sound like an old record, but…I know now. I know why you did what you did, and I know about Kailen. I’ve thought about this a lot and I feel my place is here. I can do something with my life, start over again, but this time do it right. I can use my gifting here.”

  Leo remained unfazed, his exterior icing over. “Your calling is in Narun.”

  “Not anymore.” I gestured to a bench to dodge a pair of runners passing us on the path. Neither of us sat on it. “You know as well as I do that visions are conditional. What Kailen saw was a long time ago.”

  “Doesn’t matter.”

  “Leo, there’s nothing left for me in Narun, nothing but pain and regret. I was never a warrior! I renounced the King because I was a coward, and whether you think I killed Kailen or not, I will always hold myself accountable.”

  “You didn’t kill Kailen!” His anger harshened his word. “Anyone would agree, and if you need the King’s pardon, he will grant it.”

  I sucked in my lips and raised my fingers over my mouth. How can I get through to him? “I’ve made up my mind. I’m not going back.”

  “I’m not going to give up on you. I promised him. I promised myself.”

  “You’re not giving up; I’m releasing you from that promise by telling you that my place is here and yours… Well, we both know you still have a future in Narun. You can still fight for the King. It’s just not me anymore.” I ignored the twinge in my gut.