Afterland

by Masha Leyfer

  “Listen, Drew, if nothing is done right now-”

  “I don’t care, please just don’t…” Then he slumps to the ground. I exclaim in surprise and then see Veronica standing behind him with a large rock.

  “There,” she says. “Now you can do whatever you need to.”

  “Um, all right.” I feel my heart speed up. I am too dizzy to tell Veronica that knocking Drew out like that might have been more dangerous than the infection.

  “Um...Somebody hand me the rum,” I say. James hands me the small container. I spill a little bit over the knife to sanitize it and drink a little bit myself. For luck.

  “All right. Holy crap, I’ve only ever seen this done, I’ve never actually done it.”

  “It’s okay, Molly, you’ve got this.”

  “Alright. Jesus Christ.” I stick the knife through the skin of Drew’s knee. Drew groans as his knee makes a strange squelching noise and I turn away. I bite down on my lip and continue cutting.

  “Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap.”

  I cut away approximately five centimeters of skin, enough so that I can lift it up and skin my knife at the infection. I grip my hand to stop it from shaking and withdraw the knife. I wipe the sweat off of my forehead and try to slow my heartbeat, but it doesn’t work.

  “You’re doing good, Molly, okay? You’ve got this.”

  “I don’t want to kill him.”

  “You won’t. And even if you do, at least this way, he had a chance.”

  “Okay, okay.”

  I stick the knife under his skin and carve out a little chunk of the infection. I pull the knife back out. At its tip is a small green piece of what looks like slime. I feel bile rise in my throat.

  “Oh my god, that’s so gross. Holy crap.” I wipe it on a nearby root and then wipe the dirt off on my sweater.

  “Rum, please.” Somebody hands me the rum. I sanitize the knife again and take a swig, facing the fact that I have to go do that several more times.

  It continues for what seems like an eternity, but finally, everything that I can take out with a knife is out. I wipe the sweat off my forehead again a take out the antibiotic cream. I pour some rum over my fingers and administer the cream all over Drew’s knee then I take out the medical bandage, soak it in rum, and wrap it tightly around Drew’s leg. And after that, I just slump back against a tree and sigh.

  “I’m done.” I feel bile rise in my throat again. “Give me a second.” I stand up, run several feet out into the woods, and vomit behind a tree. My entire body shudders and I feel weak beneath the knees. I grip the trunk of the tree for support. What if I screwed up? What if he doesn’t live because of me? What if…

  “Molly. Hey.” It’s Smaller Sally. She puts her hand on my shoulder and hands me the rum container. “It’s water. Drink up.” I drain the container and continue shuddering. “You did great,” she says.

  “What if I killed him?”

  “You didn’t.”

  “How do you know?”

  “He’s still alive. And besides that, his temperature is going down.”

  “Oh.”

  “You did great, okay? None of us would have been able to do what you just did.” She squeezes my blood stained hands. “You did great.”

  “Thanks,” I smile weakly.

  “You’re really pale. Do you want to lie down for a moment?”

  “No, no, I’m fine. I just want this to be over. I want to get back to camp.”

  “Me too,” Smaller Sally admits. “I miss home.”

  “I’ll just go wash my hands and then we’ll leave.”

  “Okay.” She walks back towards the Sternmenschen and I walk towards the nearby stream. I dip my hands into the fast water and watch my hands stain the waves with blood. After a minute, all the red disappears with the current and I sigh in relief. I head back to the snowmobiles. I’m ready to get back home.

  CHAPTER 25

  We drop the Sternmenschen off in the clearing where we saw Augustus assign Mike the murder. Drew still has a limp, but is lucid. I sigh with relief.

  “You’re on your own from here,” Smaller Sally tells them. “Tell Augustus not to bother Mike again.”

  “We will,” James says. There is an awkward silence. “Thank you for rescuing us,” he adds.

  “No problem.”

  “And, uh…” Drew begins to say. “Molly? Is that your name?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Thanks for saving my life. And I apologize for, well, for being such a jerk”

  “Don’t mention it.”

  Veronica firmly shakes both of our hands. I can tell that she still doesn’t like us, but she has the decency to appreciate what we did.

  “Good luck,” she says.

  “You too.”

  My legs are sore and my head hurts, but my blood pulsates with relief that the hardest part of this ridiculous venture is already behind us.

  We leave the Sternmenschen in the clearing and ride off back towards camp.

  “Just a couple more hours and this is all over!” Smaller Sally shouts.

  “Thank goodness.”

  She chuckles. “They’re going to kill us back at camp.”

  “I hope they let us eat first. I’m starving.”

  “Me too. I hope they have some good beer as well. This calls for getting drunk as hell.”

  “This calls for some really strong tea.”

  Smaller Sally laughs and I realize for the first time how beautiful her laugh is.

  We continue riding. The sun begins to set. I try to remember when we left. It seems like ages ago, but it was actually only yesterday morning. I try to do the math. If we left yesterday at nine and now it’s almost eight, then we’ve been gone for...thirty five hours? Yes. That’s the longest I’ve ever been away from the Rebellion camp or from Hopetown for that matter. I remember that yesterday was supposed to be my night shift at the lookout post. I wonder who replaced me. Homesickness hits me like a knife. I miss camp so much. I miss training, I miss the smell of smoke and pine needles, I miss the bustle of the the line for food, I miss the bruises and the uneven ground, I miss all the people, I miss the sound of guitar chords, and most of all, I miss the feeling of belonging. All I want is to go back. If I dropped dead, right there at the camp, I would die happy that I had the chance to see it one more time.

  “I miss it so much,” I whisper.

  “Me too,” Smaller Sally responds. I didn’t realize she could hear me.

  After several hours, we finally reach the foot of the familiar mountain. I laugh out loud as we begin the steady climb.

  “We’re so close!” I shout. We pass the familiar scenery and the familiar trails and I begin to laugh again. We’re finally home, I think. We ride into camp and a mix of cheers rises from the people. We drop the snowmobiles where they are and run into the crowd. Smaller Sally pulls Mike towards her before he can say anything and kisses him fiercely. Nathan envelops me into a hug so tight, my feet lift off of the ground.

  “Thank goodness you’re safe,” he says, spinning me around. I laugh and hold on to him tightly. I hold on to make sure I don’t fall down, but I also hold on because I am finally home and I never want to let it go again. I hold on to the familiar feel of leather and the smell of smoke and I hold on to the rough callouses on Nathan’s hands and I hold on to home, because I am certain that I want to spend the rest of my life here. Nathan puts me down and I think that my feet felt more certain in the air than they do on solid ground. Other people rush in to slap me on the back, or some, like Emily, on the face.

  “Where the hell have you been? You had us all scared to death!” She shouts.

  “Long story!” I shout back.

  “Holy crap!” Somebody else shouts. “Both of you are idiots!”

  “I know,” Smaller Sally laughs. “That’s why we’re here with the rest of you.” The crowd pushes Smaller Sally and me together again and we stand next to each other, dodging question in relaxed ease.

  “You
poor dears,” Big Sal tells us. “You must be starving.”

  “Yes,” we say in unison.

  “Give me a minute and I’ll whip something up for you.”

  “And somebody get the beer,” Smaller Sally shouts.

  “You drunkard,” Mike pokes her.

  “That’s why I’m with you,” she responds. Somebody pulls out all the stores of alcohol that we have—which is a surprisingly large amount—and within a minute, everybody has a full cup in their hands.

  “To Smaller Sally and Molly’s safe return!” Somebody shouts. We all clink our glasses and drink. Big Sal hands us both plates of scrambled eggs which we quickly devour.

  “So what exactly happened to you guys?” Somebody asks.

  “Mhh,” Smaller Sally holds up a finger while she swallows. “We screwed up,” she says.

  “Weren’t you cutting power lines?”

  “Yeah. We screwed up real, real bad. I’ll give you all the details later. For now, can somebody refill my cup?”

  We quickly go through one then two then three bottles. We stay up late into the night while the bottles pile up and everybody is very drunk. Finally, when everybody is too drunk to speak, much less stand, we all disperse to our tents. I fall into my tent and fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow.

  __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

  I wake up late the next morning sometime around noon. I don’t remember much from last night, but I have the impression that there isn’t much to remember except for one hundred thank goodness you’re safes and welcome homes. I stand and walk out of my tent. Big Sal, as always, is at the fire.

  “Ah, you’re up,” she says. “Bacon and eggs?”

  “Yes please.”

  She throws several pieces of bacon onto the pan and cracks two eggs over them.

  “Where is everybody?” I ask.

  “Various places. Some are in the woods. Some are still asleep.”

  “Oh.” I look up to figure out the time, but my mind can’t process much. “What’s the time?” I ask.

  “Twelve.”

  “Oh, wow, I slept a lot.”

  “Yeah. But to be fair, we did go to bed very late.” She takes a sip from her coffee. “Mike was looking for you earlier, by the way. He’s in the Field of the Fallen now.”

  “Oh. I’ll go find him after breakfast. I’m starving.”

  “I figured. You looked really tired last night.”

  “Yeah, well. It’s been a long couple of days.”

  “I bet. You two took some really big risks doing what you did.”

  “Yeah.”

  “You’ll have to tell me all about it later. But right now, your breakfast is ready.”

  “Thank you so much.” I gulp it down ravenously.

  “You should go find Mike. He was worried about you.”

  “Isn’t he always? But alright, I will. Thanks for the breakfast.”

  “No problem, dear.”

  I wash my plate out with snow and head up to the Field of the Fallen. I am a little nervous, going up to talk to Mike. What will he say? What does he know? He did agree to my murder, after all. My heart begins to flutter. Does he still trust me? Do I still trust him?

  I can hear the familiar sound of crossbow shots as I approach.

  “Mike?” I call out tentatively. The shots stop.

  “Yes.”

  “Hi.”

  “Molly,” Mike says, and to my surprise, envelops me in a bone crushing hug. After a moment of hesitation, I wrap my arms around his neck and let his height lift me off the ground.

  “Christ, Molly, I was so worried.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “No, don’t apologize, please.” He lets me go. “I...I’m so sorry. And thank you so much for what you did, I-”

  “Don’t mention it.”

  “No, I can’t not...You saved multiple lives yesterday. I let my past catch up to me, and it never should have been you who was dealing with my problems. And you were absolutely right. About everything. I never should have kept secrets. I lied, and-”

  “I know whose name was on the slip,” I blurt out. Mike goes white.

  “Oh.”

  “Mike.”

  “Yes.”

  “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Yes.”

  “Were you...Were you really going to kill me?”

  “Molly…” He steps towards me. I step back and curl into myself. “I’m so sorry, my God, I’m so sorry.”

  “Were you?” I repeat more forcefully.

  “No, of course not. I could never–I’m so sorry, I...Molly.” I swallow tears of relief and disbelief.

  “Are you lying, Mike?” I say quietly.

  “Molly. I would rather die myself than see you dead. You just...You have to believe me on that.”

  I stare into Mike’s eyes for a long time and see all the pain and hope and apology in them and I can’t help but swallow more tears.

  “Thank you, Mike” I ay, and press myself to him in a hug. Mike lets out a shuddering breath and I wonder how I ever doubted him.

  “I’m sorry,” I say quietly. Mike doesn’t respond, only takes in one more shuddering gulp of air while I let out one of relief.

  He wasn’t going to kill me.

  He was never going to kill me.

  I’m safe. I’m safe. It’s alright.

  I was so afraid that I was going to have to run away again. I was so afraid that the place I had called home would push me out again. I was afraid that I would never find a place where I was safe.

  But I did. I made it. It’s alright.

  “Mike?”

  “Hm?”

  “What did Augustus tell you? Why did you agree?”

  Mike breathes in deeply before responding.

  “My father. Augustus has my father.”

  CHAPTER 26

  “He...What?”

  “I-I couldn’t believe it at first, but Augustus knew too much, and...Well. He’s alive. Dad’s alive.”

  “Did you tell–”

  “I haven’t told anyone yet. I suppose I have to tell Nathan now, since we’re going to be getting him back.”

  “So what happens now? Are they...I mean, are you going to meet him?”

  “I guess so.”

  “That’s amazing Mike.”

  “Yeah, it is.”

  I wring my hands, noticing that Mike still looks unnaturally pale.

  “Mike? What’s wrong?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’re getting your father back. Aren’t you happy?”

  “Of course. Of course. But...I don’t know. It’s been a very long time. It’s been fourteen years. That’s...that’s an entire lifetime.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s been too long. We’re all different people now. We’ve all changed, perhaps too much. Last time he saw us, we were children. Look at us now. We’re practically mercenaries. My father had many, many secrets. Even if...Even if nothing had changed, he still wouldn’t be the man I remember. I remembered him as a father, but he was more than that. He was a father second and a government agent first, and now that I’m old enough to understand that, it…” Mike swallows and takes a deep gulp of air. “And he’s been absent from our lives for fourteen years. That’s too much time to heal. Last time we saw each other, the world was different. My father was the only member of my family untouched by that tragedy, and now…” he sticks his fingers in his belt and bites his lip. “What are we even going to do with him?” Mike says quietly. “He probably thinks mum’s still alive. Too much has changed. I don’t want to mix the before and the after.”

  “It’ll be alright, Mike. It’ll all work out.”

  “I hope so,” he sighs and bites his lip again. “I wanted a proper family for so long, but I have it already. With the Rebellion. Now that my father will be with us, it’ll...What if he wants to connect with us? With me and Nathan, I mean? What if he doesn’t? I just...What will he think of us? I
don’t think we grew up to be the people he had hoped for.”

  “Don’t say that, Mike. I’m sure he’ll be very proud.”

  “I don’t know. I really don’t know. I’ll go and pick him up, of course, with Nathan, if he wants to come. I can’t push away my own father.”

  “You know, maybe it’s an omen that we’re succeeding.”

  “In what way?”

  “Your father’s a piece of the old and he’s come back. It’s like when birds come back after winter. It means that this is finally over and the old is returning, just like it’s meant to. Spring is coming back.”

  Mike sighs.

  “Maybe. But here’s the catch: who’s to say that then is better than now? we’ve been taught to think that Spring is better than winter, but what if it’s not? What if, in hating the Winter and loving the Spring, we’ve overlooked too much? What if we’re just puppets, trained to think in one way and that’s what really makes the Winter terrible? Maybe we just need to open our eyes and see the beauty of the Winter.”

  “When does Winter end?” I ask.

  “Huh?”

  “In your opinion, when does Winter end?”

  “I don’t know, March first.”

  “Does it? We have snow on the ground almost up to June.”

  “What’s your point?”

  “My point is, maybe we shouldn’t focus so much on what the difference is between Winter and Spring. They aren’t black and white, they’re a continuity of each other. Without one, we wouldn’t have the next. My point is, maybe Winter and Spring aren’t meant to be separate.”

  __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __

  The next day, Mike and Nathan leave to pick up their father. By this time, everybody knows the cause of their leave. We stay in the camp, buzzing with anticipation. Nobody except for Big Sal has ever met him and not only is he part of the fabled Kerman Couple, he is also the resurrected father of two of our members. None of us train, in case we miss his return. We sit in the clearing, fiddling around. I chat with Smaller Sally.

  “Mike’s nervous,” she says.

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “Have you talked to Nathan about it?”

  “Yeah. A little. He’s not as nervous as Mike. He’s more excited. He says that he has a lot to say, but he’s not sure how to say it.”