Call of the White

by Aston, Felicity

  We all agreed that the candidates had shown impressive guts in taking on everything we had thrown at them in such a short space of time. Each day as we had added an extra layer of complexity I had wondered if today was the day we would push it too far and see the girls crack, if today would be the day that someone wanted to go home. Despite the fact that some of the candidates had clearly struggled, no one had come close to giving in or had shown signs of Arctic Shock, and they were all genuinely still enjoying themselves. In the past I’d led far more experienced groups of people in the Arctic who hadn’t shown nearly as much resilience. I talked through each selection with the trainers. They were as sorry as I was to be sending anyone home: all the candidates had worked so hard that it seemed cruel.

  We talked about Cyprus first. The trainers confirmed my own instinct that Stephanie was the right choice but losing Athina was going to be a huge wrench. All through the training she had shown such courage but the hard truth was that she still didn’t have the confidence she would need for Antarctica. If she was part of the team she would need a lot of reassurance which would be an unfair demand on the other team members.

  The New Zealand selection was unanimous. Although we all liked both Melanie and Charmaine, Charmaine was the stronger candidate. Out of the two Bruneians, Era had impressed everyone with her show of endurance and her practical common sense. Equally clear was the Singaporean selection. Sophia had been a calm and efficient influence in every group she had worked with, whereas Lina had remained noticeably aloof. None of the trainers had any worries about Barbara being automatically selected for the team. She had been strong physically as well as a great team player, always at the centre of the laughter, always the first to encourage others who were having difficulty. She was a natural.

  The Jamaican selection had been decided conclusively by Alecia’s performance in the sledge race. Her inability to pull a sledge put her out of the running and yet, until that point she had been the clear favourite. The discussion turned to whether we felt Kim would be a suitable team member. At the start of the week most of the trainers would have said no. She was a very dominant character within a group and so talkative that it suppressed everyone else. On top of that she had found the skiing difficult and was struggling to get herself organised. But over the week we had noticed a significant change. She had worked hard at the skiing and mellowed out within the group. Perhaps her over-dominance was down to nerves and as she became more comfortable within the group she would fit in better. We decided that Kim should be offered a place on the team but that I needed to make clear to her the points she needed to work on.

  Most difficult of all was the Indian selection. Neither Reena nor Aparna had struck anyone as particularly suitable. Aparna was great fun and had been good at pulling the sledges as well as being a powerhouse at the pre-expedition admin but, in several instances, she had caused friction within her tent groups There were reservations about Reena, too. She was strong but surprisingly out of shape considering she led treks in the Himalaya for much of the year. Everyone expressed the feeling that she hadn’t contributed much to the team. I thought about going back to India to interview other applicants, or starting a completely new search but it only seemed fair I should give Reena a chance. If I made it clear how close she had come to not being selected and how much she needed to work on engaging with the rest of the team, perhaps we would see a difference.

  It was early morning by the time we had finished talking. As the training team drifted off to bed I was reluctant to sleep. The next day was going to be tough. I remembered how I had felt ringing unsuccessful candidates after the interviews. If I had felt like a villain then, tomorrow was going to be much, much worse.

  I gathered the candidates together in the morning after breakfast and told them how impressed the trainers had been with their performance. ‘Today I have to make a horrible choice and seven of you will be leaving us. I will be speaking to all of you one by one this morning but I hope that whatever happens today you will all leave Norway with good memories.’ The candidates were asked to stay in the accommodation block until they were called over individually. Once they had seen me in a small anteroom, the trainers were ready to accompany the girls over to the hut where they could wait for the others. I didn’t want those that had been selected to break the news to their country partner. It would be better for them to hear it from me.

  I asked for Athina first as she was the one I was dreading telling most of all. I knew she would be devastated. She was nervous as she came in and sat opposite me. I suddenly felt embarrassed and didn’t know where to begin but this was one of those moments where I needed to push my own feelings aside and be ‘Felicity the expedition leader’ that the candidates needed and deserved to see. This wasn’t about my feelings, this was about Athina. As I told her the news I saw her face change. I could see that my choice wasn’t a surprise to her but that she hadn’t given up hope. As we talked it over she started to cry, trying to wipe her tears away, angry with herself for letting them come. I couldn’t bear seeing her so heartbroken and gave her a big hug. She sobbed on my shoulder, ‘Thank you for the experience. I have had such a good time.’ Jo came to give her a hug and, with Athina still sobbing, guided her over to the hut. I let out a long sigh as I fought back tears of my own. I had expected this to be hard but it was far worse than I’d imagined.

  I was crying again as I broke the news to Stephanie, this time in response to her emotional reaction to being selected. She looked at me wide-eyed for a second before jumping round the room, hugging everyone in sight, tears flowing. Before she left I cautioned her that Athina was upset and to tread lightly. Stephanie understood, and I knew I could rely on her to be sensitive.

  Alecia’s reaction was also heartbreaking. I explained that, in the end, it had just come down to the sledge-pulling. She pleaded with me to reconsider, promising to go away and train so that she would be able to pull the sledge. She valiantly tried to hold back the tears but they came eventually and I couldn’t stop myself welling up with her. When she could see that the decision had been made, she wiped her eyes with a smile and stood to leave.‘Well, I have learnt a lot and I will always be grateful for that.’ We hugged and she left.

  Kim came in shortly after and in many ways this was a tougher interview. I was giving her good news but I also needed to make sure that she knew her place was dependent on her getting organised and showing that she was able to look after herself. ‘The Kim we saw at the beginning of the week wouldn’t be on this team,’ I explained to her. ‘But we can tell that you’ve really been trying this week. The skiing got better and you are listening more and getting some systems in place. You are still a long way off but I believe you’ll get there if you work at the fitness and at getting organised.’

  Kim listened quietly. I was worried that she would be offended at such blunt feedback but instead she nodded her head seriously. ‘I will do whatever it takes,’ she said solemnly. I believed her.

  Sophia took the news that she had been selected so casually that at first I wondered if she had understood my meaning. Her reaction puzzled me. I knew that she perceived herself as the underdog of the Singaporean candidates and had assumed from the start that Lina would be chosen, but she didn’t show any sign of surprise or delight. I began to wonder if I had made a mistake but before she left she said something that explained her subdued response. ‘I must talk to my husband and my kids. There will be a lot of pressure in Singapore for me to succeed.’ More than any of the other candidates Sophia had appreciated, even at this early stage, the responsibility they were taking on in terms of national expectations. Her mind had not paused at celebration and triumph; it had fast-forwarded to the months of hard work ahead and the challenges she would face.

  Lina was the only candidate that took the rejection badly. It was clear that she had assumed she would be chosen and I wondered if perhaps this was why she hadn’t engaged with the group, thinking that she had plenty of time to get to know them l
ater. She demanded an explanation. ‘You are very fit, very focussed and very methodical which are all great qualities and I’ve no doubt that you would get to the pole,’ I began, ‘but I think you see the challenge as you against the conditions rather than seeing the challenge as creating a team that will succeed.’ Lina nodded in silence, stood abruptly and left, leaving the door open behind her.

  I had been worried about breaking the news to Aparna but she was actually extremely gracious, so much so that I wondered if she had already known in her heart that she wouldn’t be selected. She brushed aside the rejection and chatted instead about all the things she had enjoyed. I found myself feeling very sorry that we would be saying goodbye to Aparna; she had been a very good sport.

  Reena was emotional about her selection but more so as I explained gently how close she had come to leaving with Aparna. She was genuinely mortified that we thought she wasn’t contributing enough to the group and that we had concerns about her fitness. She listened intently as I suggested several areas she needed to work on. ‘I will work really hard, Felicity,’ she reassured me. ‘I will not let you down and you will all be proud of me, I promise you.’ As she left I felt a wave of guilt. It wasn’t my intention to make her feel bad but I also needed all the team members to be realistic and to know what they needed to do. I could just give them all big hugs and tell them they were brilliant but it wouldn’t help us in the end. They were brilliant but we also had a long way to go before we were ready to take on Antarctica.

  With the last interview done I walked slowly over to the hut where all the candidates were now gathered. It was a strange atmosphere inside. There were lots of tears but there was excitement, too. Lina remained noticeably apart from the group, unwilling to talk to anyone, while Alecia and Athina, still in tears, were receiving plenty of hugs. Everyone seemed very supportive of everyone else but still I was pleased that we had arranged for the Land Rover to transport the seven that were leaving pretty much immediately in order to catch the next train to Oslo. Those that were staying needed time to celebrate without feeling guilty and I needed to concentrate on consolidating the new team. There were endless rounds of goodbyes and more tears before finally everyone who was leaving was in the Land Rover.

  My new team stood in the snow outside the hut waving at the Land Rover until we couldn’t see it any more. We stood subdued for a moment and I knew I had to say something. I pulled the group together, our heads bent forward as if in a rugby huddle. ‘This has been a really tough day but now we need to look forward. Take a good look around you at these faces because these are the faces you will be skiing to the South Pole with. This is your team now and whether it succeeds or fails is up to us.’ I could feel the excitement radiating outward from the beaming smiles. The girls looked around at each other. This was it. This was my team: Era (24), a civil servant from Brunei; Steph (26), an IT worker from Cyprus; Barbara (29), a journalist from Ghana; Reena (38), a trekking guide from India; Kim (30), a political adviser from Jamaica; Charmaine (36), a military doctor from New Zealand; Sophia (36), a mother of three from Singapore; myself (31), representing the UK and our reserve, Helen (43), an outdoor activity instructor from Derbyshire.

  Chapter Six

  The Ninth Team Member

  Walking into Westminster Abbey, shivers worked their way down my spine and I felt euphoric. Organ music echoed from the walls and my eyes swept upwards, past the flags and flowers, to the webs of stone and glass high above. Imposing and majestic, the abbey radiated stately ceremony and my skin tingled as I thought of the weight of ages that surrounded us. I walked behind my new team, each of them transformed in their national outfits: Barbara looked stunning in her figure-hugging Ghanaian dress, the colourful woven material falling to the floor; Reena had wrapped herself in a magnificent crimson and gold sari that floated behind her as she walked; while Era was pink and floral in a silk headscarf, carefully pinned to tightly frame her face.

  We’d been invited to Westminster Abbey in central London to attend the Commonwealth Day celebrations and to be presented to the Queen at a reception later that day in Marlborough House, the headquarters of the Commonwealth Secretariat. It had been hard work and a tough wrangle to get all seven women from the training in Norway to London (including a last-minute interview at the British Consulate in Norway to get Barbara a visa), but watching the faces of the team as we waited in a small anteroom at Marlborough House for the Queen to arrive, I was sure that all the trouble had been worth it. The women waited in an expectant hush, all eyes on the open doorway. The Queen arrived, accompanied by the Duke of Edinburgh, and shook hands with each member of the team. The Duke listened as we explained our plans before giving his judgement. ‘You’re all mad,’ he announced, before moving on to the next guest waiting in line beside us.

  As the women flew home, it was clear that we would need to meet again as a team before we travelled to Antarctica. I decided to arrange another training meet for September, which would be a few months before our planned departure for Antarctica. It seemed to make sense that we should head for New Zealand because Charmaine was confident that she would be able to use her military connections there to help us – and it was one of the few places we could find snow at that time of year. Apart from myself, Charmaine was by far the most experienced member of the team. I liked her enormously and I hoped that she would play a second-in-command role within the team, someone that I could confide in about team issues and could trust to back me up when tricky decisions had to be made. I usually spoke to the team, as a whole, as I would speak to the least experienced among them and I was worried that, because of this, Charmaine might feel undervalued, so I made a point of speaking to her before we left Norway to encourage her input. ‘It’s really reassuring to have you on the team and I hope that you know a lot of what I say to the team is intended for others. I have no intention of teaching you to suck eggs.’

  Charmaine laughed before becoming serious, ‘If ever you need a sounding board, someone to talk to, I’m happy to listen.’ I appreciated her offer and was secretly relieved that she had taken on the responsibility of arranging the New Zealand training. It meant that I was able to concentrate on getting the rest of the team fit in time.

  The team had left Norway under no illusion about how much effort they needed to put into their fitness training in preparation for Antarctica. Training for a polar expedition can be counter-intuitive in many ways; it is more about increasing stamina and endurance rather than general cardiovascular fitness. I spent a morning with the team putting a training plan together. We split the training into three main areas. The first was strength, using resistance training with weights to build up key muscle areas. The second was interval training, increasing cardiovascular fitness through short bursts of energy. The third, and most important, was endurance training through low impact exercise over increasing lengths of time. The team made reams of notes and once they got home it was great to see the email chatter flying back and forth as they started to put what they had learned into practice. I was relieved that they were taking it seriously and pleased that each of them quickly found a suitable trainer to help them put together a specific programme. Barbara continued to work with the terrifying Prince Agbemble in Ghana who had got her in shape for Norway. He ran a gym ominously called the Body Snatcher Boot Camp and insisted on being called ‘The General’ during training sessions. In Jamaica, Kim had been offered support from the Jamaica Defence Force in the form of her very own officer who would help her with some motivating endurance training. Era in Brunei had teamed up with the wonderfully named Dr Danish of the Sport and Research Centre at the National Gym. In addition, she was keen to do as much expedition-specific training as she could. You often see polar adventurers training by pulling car tyres around to simulate pulling a sledge but Era went one better: she took the wheel off an old wheelbarrow and pulled it along the sandy beaches of Brunei to almost exactly mimic pulling a sledge on snow. Sophia was also training with a sledge. Under the guida
nce of Dr Ben Tan, head of Changi Sports Medicine Centre in Singapore, Sophia was pulling a sledge full of weights around what looked – judging from the pictures she posted on the expedition website – like a disused car park. Sophia religiously recorded the results of each training session on our team website and within a few months was training with terrifying weights, hauling 180 kilograms (at least three times her body weight) in her makeshift sledge. I started to get worried that she was overdoing it. ‘There is no need for you to be pulling more than 100 kilograms,’ I wrote, ‘as we won’t be pulling this kind of weight on the expedition. You really can’t risk injuring yourself. This would be the biggest disaster of all.’

  Reena had perhaps the best training ground. Returning from Norway her work took her back into the Himalaya where she spent day after day trekking at high altitude with heavy loads. This was great for endurance but she still needed to get into a gym to increase her strength and cardiovascular fitness. A dull morning in my office was brightened by an email from Reena describing her first ever visit to a gym. Whereas most people are ready with at least a dozen different reasons why they never go near a gym if they can help it, Reena had an almost evangelical conversion. ‘It was like going to a disco with the loud music and all the beautiful people,’ she enthused.

  With training programmes and support in place I was confident that the team would be prepared physically for Antarctica and that after our training meet in New Zealand they would also have the skills. Financially, on the other hand, our prospects were dismal. Antarctica is possibly the most expensive place to reach on the planet. Flying anywhere in Antarctica isn’t simply a matter of buying a ticket for a seat on a flight; it involves hiring the whole plane, complete with crew, and buying the fuel to go in the tanks. We needed over $400,000 just to cover our flights and essential rescue cover. It was a daunting amount of money to find.