Lost, Found, Loved

by London Casey

  “Don’t tell me what to do,” she said. “Thank you for everything. I have to figure this out alone.”

  “Alone? Or with them?”

  “Tell you what,” Parker said. “I’ll walk Zayne out, and you and Abby can talk.”

  “Please, yes,” Abby said. “Just you and me. No more lies.”

  Bella just kept looking at me.

  “Really?” I whispered.

  “Please, Zayne,” Bella said. “I’m sorry for this. Let me take care of it. I have to know everything.”

  “He’s going to go after you again,” I said. I knew I sounded jealous, but I didn’t give a shit.

  “That’s not why I’m here,” Bella said. “Just go.”

  She pushed away from me.

  I stood there like I really didn’t belong there.

  “You heard her,” Parker said. He walked to the door and opened it.

  Bella walked to Abby and told her to sit on the couch. She listened. Bella stood and looked down at Abby.

  “I want to hear it,” Bella said. “The whole story.”

  “Okay,” Abby said. “I promise. And I’m telling you, Bella, it’s over. I couldn’t stand myself to keep this going…”

  Abby sucked in a shaky breath.

  Parker cleared his throat.

  My time had come.

  Bella didn’t even look at me when I exited the apartment. I thought we were going to walk in there, flirt and touch, drive Parker and Abby crazy the way we drove Steph crazy at the wedding. I was going to help her pack up a couple bags and then take her back to my place and celebrate between the sheets.

  Instead, I was alone.

  “You gave it a good go,” Parker said to me.

  I snapped.

  I turned and grabbed his shirt, twisted my fist, and slammed him against the wall.

  “You’re a piece of shit,” I said.

  “Hit me. I dare you.”

  “No. I won’t do that. I don’t hit bitches.”

  Parker snorted. “You’re the bitch here. She used you to get to me. Which is fine. I’ll get what I want. And you are right…I am going to go after her. She’ll listen to me.”

  “No she won’t,” I said.

  “Says the guy who’s leaving all alone.”

  I pushed my fist tighter to his chest. Parker winced in pain. I gritted my teeth, but finally, I let him go. Fuck, I wanted to punch him so bad.

  But I held back and got the hell out of there.

  I couldn’t believe I was on my motorcycle, riding solo.

  If this was what Bella needed, then so be it. I respected it. I loved her for it.

  Fuck, I loved her.

  I fell in love with her. We were just killing time together, figuring out what to do next in our lives. And here I let her twist up my heart.

  It hurt to cruise away without her behind me.

  I didn’t even make it back into Hundred Falls Valley before I knew what I do to next.

  I pulled to the side of the road.

  I called Tate.

  “This doesn’t feel good,” Tate said as he answered.

  “I’m out,” I said.

  “Just like that?”

  “Just like that,” I said.

  I ended the call.

  Then I called Tilly.

  It was time to cash in on that plane ticket to Miami.

  33

  BELLA

  Abby went from tears to near hysterics. I just stood there and stared down at her. My intentions weren’t to ask Zayne to leave, but this had gone too far already. And I didn’t mean me and him. This battle now was between myself, my heart, and those who hurt me. I didn’t need Zayne to stand there and act like a tough guy, flirting with me, patting my ass, and making comments. Plus, I didn’t want him to end up hitting Parker and getting himself into serious trouble.

  So, I just stood there.

  Parker came back into the apartment and grabbed his keys. “Maybe it’s best I go for a ride. Give you two some space.”

  “No,” I said. “You’re going to go sit in this fucking room, Parker. The room where you fucked Abby when I wasn’t around. When I was working at the diner to make a couple bucks. Where you fucked Abby…how many times?”

  “Bella,” Parker started.

  “Go!” I ordered.

  Parker dropped the keys and walked away, his hands up.

  The power felt good.

  “Take your face out of your hands,” I said to Abby. “Look up at me like the best friend I always thought you to be.”

  Abby did as I said.

  She looked up at me.

  The emotion was real. The guilt was real. But that didn’t take away the inability to realize right from wrong. That was the thing I didn’t understand. You knew you were wrong. You did it once…then kept going.

  I side stepped and slowly lowered down to sit on the coffee table.

  “Bella,” Abby whispered.

  “I want the truth. The entire story. I want to know why it happened once and why it kept happening.” I looked at Abby. “I want to know why you sat there and lied to my face even after I caught you two together.”

  Abby picked at her nails. “What he said wasn’t all a lie. Whether you like it or not, Bella, if you want the truth, I’ll tell you. We were together, not in bed or anything, but just hanging out. A lot. It wasn’t fair, because you were working. I know that. I selfishly chose to play into the things he said to me. That you two were having problems. That you yourself were having problems. As a friend I should have asked you about it. I should have checked on you. I should have gone to the diner to see you. I should have talked to you. Helped you find a better job. Helped you figure out what was wrong.” Abby stopped fidgeting and looked me dead in the eyes. “But I didn’t. Because I thought I wanted what you had, Bella. And I’m sorry, Bella, but you were distant. That doesn’t make it right.”

  I nodded. “Distant. So, the two of you got together and just decided to fuck each other?”

  “No. It wasn’t like that. There were these moments between us. Flirty moments. More serious moments. And then little things happened. Touching. Kissing. Then…”

  I felt my stomach flip. I had to look away.

  “You wanted the truth,” Abby said. “After the first time, it was all guilt. I went home and cried. Then it happened again. And again. Then it became some sense of normal. The things Parker said to me. The way I felt. The way you weren’t around.”

  “Again, this is my fault,” I said. “Did he tell you how he stomped on my dream? How he told me being a writer was useless? How I was wasting my life? Did he tell you that he was the one who suggested the job at the diner? He said I’d have a chance to meet a lot of people and find a real job. Did he tell you that he liked the diner job because I brought home cash? He took my cash, Abby. He said he paid bills and, hey, we were never late on rent or utilities or didn’t have food, so I can’t say he didn’t do that. But I was a zombie, Abby. A shell of who I really was.”

  “I’m sorry for that,” she said. “That guy you were just with…he makes you feel…real?”

  “Yes,” I said.

  “Then you should be with him,” Abby said. “Forget this. Forget Parker. Forget me.”

  “Right. I walk out the door, and you two end up in bed together minutes later.”

  “No. Done is done. He made it clear to me. He doesn’t want me anymore. And I don’t want him anymore. I don’t want this. Guilt or not. This isn’t right. This isn’t me. I’ve lost my way, Bella. And I’m so sorry about that. Because by me getting lost, you got hurt.”

  “I’ve been lost,” I said. “I’ve been lost for a long time. I feel…found, though. I feel alive.” I curled my lip. “And I feel bad for you. That you fell for it all. You ruined everything. I was right there the whole time, Abby. At the diner. Serving shitty food. Using a butter knife to scrape gum off the bottom of a table. Scrubbing thick grease off pots and pans. And you were letting my boyfriend fuck you. I’ll never ge
t that image out of my mind. Him pumping. Thrusting. The noises you were making.”

  Abby stood up. “Fine, fine, stop. I get it.”

  “You get it?”

  “I get it,” she said. “I’m leaving. Okay? You do whatever you have to do now, Bella. I’ll never forgive myself for this mess. I don’t expect you to forgive me either. I did this. Not you. This is my fault. I don’t want you to feel guilty for anything. Maybe there’ll come a time when there will be more words for us, I don’t know.”

  Abby got to the door.

  “Abby,” I said. “One more question. And I want the truth.”

  She looked at me. Her eyes were tired, weary. Thick bags under them. Her face looked droopy. The weight of guilt was a powerful thing. I wasn’t going to show compassion, though. No fucking way.

  “Do you love him?”

  Abby swallowed hard. “I don’t know.”

  “You have feelings for him?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did you have feelings for him before you started letting him fuck you?”

  “You said you had one more question,” Abby said.

  “Looks like I can lie, too.”

  “Fine. No. I didn’t have feelings for him before things happened. Okay? We were just friends. Because of you. Once we started talking and things got deeper…”

  “Okay,” I said. “So, right now, you still have feelings for him?”

  “Bella…”

  “Answer the fucking question.”

  “Yes,” she whispered. “Right now. Yes.”

  I turned and looked down the hallway. I didn’t say another word to Abby. I walked away. No, I stomped away, ready to go face Parker.

  I wanted to protect myself, but sometimes I had to hurt myself to do that.

  Love was sometimes a terrible thing…but at least I had Zayne…he wouldn’t hurt me, right?

  34

  ZAYNE

  The smart thing would have been to wait it out a little bit. Let Bella figure out her shit with her old life and then see where things went. But what did that even mean? Everything about me and Bella was based on lies. Being fake. Nothing but pretending. So how the hell did I know the love I felt in my heart was real? I thought I was going to be there with her to make those two fools jealous. Instead, she wanted me gone.

  I didn’t like feeling like a goon. Like a meat-necked, tattooed biker who got tossed to the curb when I was no longer needed.

  I had been dicking around too long in Hundred Falls Valley anyway. Steph was married now. I would never go near her again, no matter what she wanted from me. The guys at St. Skin were like family to me, but I didn’t have my place there. And that was my fault. I was just the floating guy. The guy that took the overflow of customers. I never put myself in a position to really fit in and just be there. My eyes were always on the next place to be.

  Which I now had.

  I’d get to Miami by night and crash at Tilly’s place until I found somewhere to rent. Then I’d be right where I wanted. Far away. On a beach. Living the tattoo artist’s dream.

  When I got back to my place, there was someone waiting for me. And, no, it wasn’t Bella.

  It was Tate.

  He was sitting in his truck, his left arm hanging out the window.

  Just chilling. Just waiting.

  Tate being Tate.

  I climbed off my motorcycle, and he turned down his music and looked at me, lifting his sunglasses off his face.

  “You’re not going to swing by the shop,” he said.

  “Didn’t plan on it,” I said. “I don’t need all that hugging goodbye bullshit.”

  “Man, you have a wall that’s a mile high and a mile thick.”

  “Like that’s a bad thing?”

  Tate grinned. “I’m not going to thank you for being at the shop. I paid you to be there. It wasn’t like you worked for free. So fuck that. I can replace you in ten minutes, even if I don’t want to.”

  “Wow, is this your version of goodbye?”

  “Nah, I don’t do goodbyes. If I say goodbye, my hand is putting a flower on a casket. I brought you something. From the shop.”

  “Memorabilia?” I asked.

  “No. The tattoo you never got.”

  Tate reached across his truck and then tossed a notebook at me.

  It was flipped open to the page of the wolf with the butterfly on its nose.

  “You need to get that done,” Tate said. “Have your boy Tilly do it.”

  “How the fuck…”

  Tate grinned. “I know everything. You think that asshole didn’t call me? He’s a tough guy to deal with, like me. But I told him the truth about you. How good you are. The way you focus. Your passion. How many times I had to kick your ass out because you wanted to just keep going. You’re going to do great down there, Z. And if you ever wander around these parts again, stop by the shop. Once you ink up at St. Skin, you’re family for life.”

  Tate offered his hand out the window.

  I shook it and nodded. “Thank you, brother. Tell everyone…whatever.”

  Tate laughed. “Whatever it is.” He started his truck and put it in reverse. Then he paused. “You know, I hope all this isn’t because of a woman. I mean, I know it is. You really put your heart out there for the taking, Z. Sometimes I think you’re a fucking idiot for it. But I have to respect that. Safe travels, Z. I’ll catch you around.”

  Tate then backed out and drove off.

  I looked down at the notebook and rubbed my jaw.

  I had drawn the picture just by messing around. But it really meant a lot to me. It captured everything that had happened with me and Bella.

  Nodding, I shut the notebook.

  My plan was simple. Pack a couple bags, whatever was allowed on the flight. Then I’d ride to the airport, park the motorcycle, get on the plane, and be gone. Once wheels touched down in Miami, I would find Tilly and then find a way to get the rest of my shit packed and shipped, and my motorcycle and truck shipped down to Miami. I had no fucking clue how it would work, but whatever.

  “Whatever,” I whispered.

  That’s what my entire life had become. A big fucking whatever. All because of a fucking wedding invitation and a woman broken down on the side of the fucking road.

  But at this point, there was no looking back.

  35

  BELLA

  Parker didn’t try to stand. He sat on the edge of the bed and looked at me as I entered the bedroom. This was the room where he and I had been together many times. It was also the same room where he and Abby had been together so many times.

  “She’s leaving,” I said.

  “That’s for the best,” he said. “It’s good that they’re both gone.”

  “Both?”

  “Yours and mine,” Parker said. “Our mistakes.”

  “Mistakes?” I asked. I raised an eyebrow. “Zayne was not a mistake, Parker. What you did…”

  “Of course. I fucked up. I fucked everything up.”

  “Right in this room,” I said. “I can still smell her, Parker. When I look at the bed, I can see her.”

  Parker then stood up. “So we’ll leave. Fuck this place.”

  “What?”

  “We’ll move. Whatever the cost is to break the lease, I’ll pay it. I want you to find a new place. For us.”

  Parker moved toward me and touched me. He slid his hands up and down my arms.

  He smiled. “This could all be behind us, Bella. Everything. We can have a clean slate. Relationships go through shit like this. I shouldn’t have done what I did with the diner. And with how I felt. I should have talked to you, Bella. I thought what I was doing in the beginning was right. But it…got out of hand. I mislead Abby. I let her fall for me.”

  “She fell for you,” I whispered. “You didn’t fall for her?”

  “Never.”

  “You never loved her?”

  “I love you, Bella.”

  “No feelings?”

  “Not one.�
�

  “So you just used her?”

  “You could say that.”

  I swallowed.

  Parker kept rubbing my arms. I looked into his eyes. I didn’t believe a thing he said.

  “I broke it off for you,” he said. “I want you and her to figure this out. And if she can’t then forget about her. You don’t need her. We’ll get a new place and make new friends. We’ll get you a new job. No diners. I’m sorry for that. My intentions were more than what happened.”

  “I’ve been writing,” I said.

  “That’s good.”

  “Good? You always said…”

  “It’s good to have a hobby.”

  “It’s not a hobby, Parker. It’s what I love to do.”

  “I love fantasy football,” he said. “But I’m not a professional at it.”

  He smiled. That million-dollar smile that worked so many people over.

  I backed away.

  “You knew exactly what you were doing the entire time,” I said.

  “What do you mean?”

  I just shook my head. Taking it all in. Figuring it all out.

  “Bella, I want you to find the perfect apartment. I won’t say a word. Anywhere you want to live, we’re going to live there. Together. You and me. A fresh start.”

  “Fuck you.”

  “What?”

  “Fuck. You.”

  “Bella…”

  He reached for me. I slapped his hand away. He let out a little bitchy yelp and grabbed his hand. I swore his bottom lip started to quiver with fear.

  “What are you doing?” he asked.

  “Telling you how it is, Parker. You’re not going to fuck me over again. You’re free to fuck anyone you want, Parker. You have feelings for her. I know it. I’m the comfortable choice. The one you think you can push around. But that will never happen again with me. I’m done with you.”

  “Bella, wait,” Parker said. “Listen to me…”

  “No,” I said. “You don’t get to talk like that to me ever again. I don’t give a shit if what I write is actually a hobby, but I’ll never call it that. Ever. So keep the apartment, Parker. Go find Abby and work things out, if that’s what you really want.”

  “What I really want is you,” Parker said.

  “Then you shouldn’t have fucked my best friend,” I said.

  And damn, did that feel good to say. Just straight and honest.