Disavowed (NYPD Blue & Gold)

by Tee O'Fallon

  The puppy licked her chin, and Daisy did something else she hadn’t done in months. She laughed.

  As her closest friend, Alex had, of course, been there for her, and she’d told Alex everything. Including the part about Dom professing his love. Losing him was hard enough, but even if he were here he could never replace the family she’d lost, and it would have been unfair to place that kind of burden on him. It was just that she’d hoped…no, dreamed that she and Dom could have started their own family.

  So after sharing her heartache with Alex, she’d locked away the pain and loss and thrown that emotional suitcase into the back of her closet. She took a shuddering breath, willing the heart-wrenching sob building in her chest to remain there.

  “You should keep her.”

  Daisy flinched. She’d been so absorbed by her thoughts she hadn’t heard Alex and Cassie walk up on her. Alex sat on the grass and draped an arm around Daisy’s shoulder, giving her a brief hug.

  “She’s my gift to you.” Cassie knelt beside them and scratched the pup’s ear. “This little girl is usually a holy terror, running and spinning like she’s possessed by the devil. She’s like that crazy animal in those old cartoons. The hairy one that spins around and around. What’s the name of that thing?”

  “You mean the Tazmanian Devil?” Alex reached out to pet the puppy.

  Cassie snapped her fingers. “That’s the one. Except when you’re around,” she added, pointing at Daisy, “she’s an angel. You have a soothing effect on her, and I think you’d be perfect together. She needs you. And you need her.”

  Score. Direct hit.

  She gave Cassie a smile she didn’t really feel. There was no doubt she did need someone, but that someone was gone. She swallowed the lump in her throat, willing herself not to cry. Over the last three months she’d cried so much she thought her tear ducts were dried up. They weren’t, not completely, and a single, stubborn tear rolled down her cheek.

  “We’re here for you.” Alex gave her shoulders another squeeze. “You know that, right?”

  She nodded and shut her eyes, wishing she could wake up tomorrow with instant amnesia. No memory of the past few months. No memory of Dom coming back into her life.

  A gust of wind blew a strand of hair in front of her eyes, but she didn’t want to disturb the puppy that’d fallen asleep in her arms.

  “You know,” Cassie said as she tucked the wayward strand behind Daisy’s ear for her, “Alex told me what Dom said to you in the hotel. That he loved you.”

  “Please, don’t.” Daisy shook her head. “I can’t do this anymore. I have to forget him.” Or die trying.

  “Hear me out.” Cassie nodded to Alex. “Gray, Alex, and I have been talking, and we don’t think you should give up hope.”

  She opened her mouth to cut the woman off, but Cassie kept right on going.

  “First of all, wherever Dom is, he’s not dead. I don’t believe that for one second. We’d know by now. He would have turned up somewhere. What I’m talking about is that in all the years he was my partner, he never once fell in love. Partners share everything, and I would have known. Gray wouldn’t say much but confirmed that Dom loved a woman in Afghanistan, and when she was killed there, it nearly killed him.”

  Anika.

  “Then he met you,” Alex said softly. “He fell head over heels in love with you, then came a hair’s breadth from losing you right before his eyes.”

  “Talk about PTSD,” Cassie added. “You gotta give the guy a chance. He’s been through hell and back more than once. He needs time to process, and both Gray and I figure that’s exactly what he’s doing.”

  Across the yard, Gray and Mike stood at the grill, flipping steaks and drinking beer while Nicky entertained Raven’s puppies. She wanted that. Had always wanted that. A family.

  Is that too much to ask?

  “No.” She shook her head again, more adamantly this time. “I don’t want to wait any longer. It’s time to move on. I have to.” She took a deep, cleansing breath. “And I will take this puppy. Thank you,” she said to Cassie.

  “You’re taking a puppy, too?” Nicky grinned from where he stood behind them with Jet frolicking around his legs. “What are you gonna call him?”

  “Taz,” she said. “And it’s a girl.”

  “Cool!” Nicky sat down next to her.

  Taz woke, and after dousing Daisy’s face with wet puppy kisses leaped from her arms and began tearing around the yard with Jet.

  “Look at the two of them go.” She laughed as they tumbled over each other like two bouncing, black furry balls.

  As the puppies played and she laughed with her friends, one single thought kept repeating in her brain.

  I’ve lost people I’ve loved before and survived.

  I can do it again.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Daisy locked up the shop, pausing to look at her reflection in the glass door before pulling down the protective metal grating. It had only been a month since she’d adopted Taz, but the woman staring back at her was different. And yet not.

  The outfit she wore was trademark Daisy Fowler. Sleeveless yellow blouse tied at the waist with matching capris and wedge heels. But as she pulled the iron grating, locking it into place, she acknowledged the changes in her life. Changes for the better.

  Work had begun to make her smile again, as had the creativity she was enjoying with all the new contracts. Even the warm summer breeze brought with it a newfound sense of optimism.

  As she got into her brand-new burgundy Jeep Cherokee she inhaled that distinctive new-car smell, mentally patting herself on the back for buying the SUV. Her old Mercedes had been a royal pain in the ass, constantly breaking down and costing her a bundle. Her only regret was that she hadn’t bought the Jeep sooner. Besides, since she’d taken in a furry roommate, she’d found she needed a larger vehicle.

  Everywhere she went, Taz accompanied her. The beautiful puppy made friends with everyone. As soon as Daisy had begun walking her on the sidewalk and driving her to the park to frolic with other dogs, her social life had taken off. It was amazing how many new friends she’d acquired because Taz had come into her life. Cassie had been spot on. She had needed Taz.

  She started the engine and pulled from the curb, loving the deep rumble of the motor and the Jeep’s quick responses. The vehicle also contributed to satisfying her need for a fresh start. Along with the Jeep, she had a new puppy that greeted her with unconditional love and exuberance the second she walked in her door at the end of the day. No longer did she dread coming home to an empty apartment and the soul-wrenching loneliness that stayed with her until the moment she fell asleep. She was moving on with her life and felt optimistic for the first time in months.

  Just last week, she’d done the most cathartic thing of all. She’d donated ten million dollars to Lost Souls of New York, the nonprofit organization Dom had suggested.

  What she hadn’t counted on was the undeniable sadness that accompanied her donation. She really had hoped that one day she would carry a child of her own. Dom’s child. A beautiful little boy or girl born of their love, and with his incredible, Caribbean-blue eyes.

  Shaking off the sadness she’d worked so hard to leave behind, she gunned the Jeep toward home. The route to her apartment was uncharacteristically clear of the typical evening traffic, and she easily shaved a good ten minutes off her usual commute. She smiled as she opened the door to her apartment, expecting to hear the pitter patter of little feet as Taz went through her spirited welcome-home routine of pirouetting and prancing for attention. But she didn’t. The living room was empty.

  No Taz.

  Daisy stood motionless, holding her breath to listen, but the apartment remained eerily quiet.

  Something is wrong. Very wrong.

  Tensing, she shut the door and set her bag on the entry table. Still hearing nothing, she stepped quietly toward the kitchen. “Taz?” she whispered.

  Still no sound, and no Taz.

&
nbsp; Her heart rate picked up. She rushed back to the entry table, then dug around in the bottom of her bag for the canister of pepper spray. The can was cool to the touch as her fingers closed around the metal cylinder. She flicked up the small plastic tab, resting her index finger on the trigger. As an added precaution, she also pulled out her cell phone in case she had to call 911.

  Her heart thumped faster as she headed down the short hallway to her bedroom. At the sight of her bedroom door she froze. The door was half closed. She always left it open when she went to work.

  Someone’s been in my apartment. Or did Taz move the door?

  Possibly. For such a little puppy, she had the thickest furry tail and was always whipping it into something. Once, that flicking tail had sent a glass of red wine flying off the coffee table and against the wall.

  Hairs on the back of her neck prickled with unease, and she gripped the can of pepper spray tighter. Cautiously she nudged open the door, wincing when it creaked. Then she gasped. Her heart stopped beating altogether, and she couldn’t breathe.

  She squeezed her eyes shut, then opened them.

  Lying on her bed, fast asleep, was Dom. Taz was curled up next to him with her head on his chest.

  Both the can of pepper spray and the cell phone slipped from her hands, hitting the rug with soft thunks. Taz woke and leaped from the bed to greet her. Absently, she leaned down to scratch the pup’s ears, but her eyes never left the man sleeping on her bed. For someone so reactive to danger, it was a wonder he hadn’t woken by now.

  Gone was his short cop haircut, although a light stubble shadowed his handsome face. Hair that was normally a light sandy brown was now sun-kissed and golden, brushing the collar of the unbuttoned, light blue shirt he wore. She resisted the urge to tousle the strands she knew were soft and silky to the touch. Even in sleep, his tanned and bronzed forehead creased. For that matter, his chest was equally tanned, telling her wherever he’d been for the last four months he’d been out in the sun.

  His chest rose and fell rhythmically with slow, shallow breaths. A light dusting of sun-bleached hair curled over hard, rounded pectorals. Just below his left shoulder was a small scar, pink and puckered, where a bullet had ripped through his body. The ridged muscles of his abdomen led to a thin line of hair that disappeared below the waistband of faded, worn-out jeans. His feet were bare, and she noticed boots lying on the floor at the foot of the bed.

  Daisy wrapped her arms around herself, moving closer. Her stomach clenched, and her head pounded with anger that he’d left her so callously without a word, to worry for four long months, not knowing whether he was dead or alive. But it was her heart that betrayed her by beating furiously with joy. Joy that he was not only very much alive, but that he was here. In her bed.

  Taz pranced around her legs, panting, demanding more attention, so she leaned down to pet the puppy again. The little dog was a reminder of how she’d just begun to get her life back on track and make positive changes. Now Dom was here, kicking her legs out from under her yet again. She was happy that he was seemingly okay, but she didn’t have the emotional fortitude to handle the way he materialized into her life any time he chose, then zoomed out of it—literally and figuratively—with the ease and mystery of a secret agent.

  Where had he been all this time? For that matter, how had he gotten into her apartment?

  Duh. Once a cop, always a cop. Plus, since the Piazza, she’d heard through the grapevine that he’d once been some kind of covert super-soldier, conducting all sorts of dangerous undercover forays in the Middle East. Picking a simple lock on her apartment had probably been child’s play for him.

  Be strong. This has to end now.

  She let her arms fall to her sides and clenched her fists. Taz uttered a discontented snort and jumped back onto the bed, snuggling against the side of Dom’s bare chest. He woke with a start, bolting upright. Taz leaped back to the floor, eyeing him warily. Dom’s forearms tightened as he looked around the room, his abdominal muscles clenching as he breathed heavily. When his gaze landed on her, his body instantly relaxed.

  His eyes were even bluer than she remembered, contrasting starkly with his tanned face. But what struck her was the utter exhaustion she read in his expression. He was still gorgeous, perhaps even more so, yet he seemed to have aged since she’d seen him last. Tiny lines she hadn’t noticed before darted from the corners of his eyes and mouth.

  “I’ve missed you.” His voice was low and gentle. He swung his legs over the bed and stood.

  She automatically took a step backward. Not because she was afraid of him physically but because she was petrified of what he could do to that weak-willed muscle inside her chest. Her heart ached for him, and in that instant she knew the truth. No matter how much time passed, she’d never be able to fully eradicate him from her soul. She could manage to live without him, but he would always be the one. Unfair didn’t begin to describe it. That she would be permanently scarred, useless to any other man, suddenly angered her beyond belief.

  Hands still fisted, she inhaled a shaky breath. “Where have you been?”

  “California.”

  “Guess you needed a vacation.” Without her.

  He shook his head. “Not a vacation. I was crewing on a fishing boat. I needed to clear my head. There’s no better place than on the water, and no better way than doing hard work.”

  “It would have been nice if you’d let someone know you were okay.” Let me know. Fearful that he would glimpse the pathetic longing in her heart, she looked down at Taz sitting patiently by her feet.

  “I’m sorry.” He took another step toward her, extending his arm, reaching out to touch her. “Seems like I’m always saying that to you.”

  Needing a buffer, she picked up Taz, holding the puppy to her chest. No way could she allow him to touch her. “I’m glad you’re okay, but that doesn’t give you the right to break into my apartment.”

  He let his hand drop. “I was tired. I drove nonstop from the West Coast, and I needed to crash.”

  “What about your own apartment?”

  “Didn’t want to go there.”

  “Why not?”

  “I like your place better.” A hesitant smile twitched at his lips.

  “Why?”

  “You’re here. Didn’t realize you had a roommate.” He tipped his head to where Taz wriggled in her arms. “That little thing about bit my face off the second I stepped inside.”

  “Good girl.” She kissed the puppy on the top of her head.

  Dom smiled fully this time, and damned if it didn’t make her knees weak. His expression sobered. “You have every right to be mad at me. I deserve it.”

  Something inside her snapped. She set the puppy down and jabbed a finger in his direction, being careful not to touch him. “You’re goddamned right you deserve it. You can’t keep drifting in and out of my life any time you choose.”

  Over his shoulder, she glimpsed Taz leaping to the bed.

  “I’m sorry for that, too.” In a lightning-fast move, he grabbed her extended finger and hand, tugging her against him. “But I don’t regret a single moment I ever spent with you.”

  “Let me go.” She struggled in his grip, but his other arm was now wrapped around her back, holding her in an iron-hard embrace.

  His gaze was both soft and determined as he looked down at her. “That’s something I can never do.”

  “You have to,” she choked out. “Because every time you come into my life you upend my entire world, then leave me to deal with the consequences, and I can’t do it again. I just can’t.” Her lower lip trembled, and her eyes filled with unshed tears.

  She’d loved this man with every ounce of her being. There wasn’t a part of her heart or soul that hadn’t ached at his loss. It was like losing her parents all over again, only worse. Her parents died in an accident. They didn’t choose to abandon her. Dom did. He had a choice, and he’d left her.

  He lowered his forehead to hers. “When I saw you
covered in blood and—”

  His voice broke, his big body shuddering against hers as he took a deep inhale. Daisy knew the end of the sentence he couldn’t finish. After Dom had shot Smith in the head, there hadn’t been an inch of her skin or dress that hadn’t been splattered with his blood and brains.

  “Seeing you nearly die reminded me of Anika,” he whispered. “It was like a switch turned off in my head. I don’t even remember leaving the hotel. The next thing I knew I was patched up and on a plane to San Diego. I didn’t know where I was going or what I needed to do. I only knew I had to get away.”

  “From me.” She swallowed the sobs building in her throat. If he didn’t release her she’d lose it and break down and do something stupid. Like tell him I still love him and always will. No matter how much he keeps hurting me. “I understand.” Tears rolled unchecked down her cheeks, falling on his chest.

  He pulled away, a look of disbelief in his eyes, and he let out a short laugh. “No, not from you. Never from you. I had to get away from my past, one that nearly repeated itself right before my eyes.” He removed his arm from her back, holding her upper arms gently. “Don’t you get it? I love you. You. But I was weak. Seeing you almost die… I couldn’t handle it.”

  The empty hole in Daisy’s heart constricted painfully. Though he’d said he loved her that day in the hotel room, she’d always wondered if he’d truly meant it or whether it was something he’d said under duress, thinking they were both about to die. For her, it had been real. A love magnetic and all-consuming. The once-in-a-lifetime kind that never dies. No matter how much a person wishes otherwise.

  As he gazed down at her, she felt as if she were looking directly into his pain-ridden soul. There was love in his eyes, but there was also suffering so raw and intense it was like a neon sign screaming for help, and it nearly brought her to tears.

  In the aftermath of the Piazza she’d been so self-absorbed by her own needs she hadn’t once considered the trauma that Afghanistan had inflicted on him, or that he’d been forced to relive that horrible part of his past. And the worst of it was, she above all others should have.