He stood there looking at her across the sidewalk and finally reached to take her sunglasses off again. He searched her eyes for several seconds and then asked in confusion, “You don’t remember?”
She looked away and shook her head and whispered, “Did I?”
He turned and pulled her with him to begin walking again and at length softly admitted, “Yes. We both did.” She started to sob again, and he had to slow down as she stumbled.
Almost back to the rear door of her restaurant, they continued walking in silence. When they made it to the porch, she pulled her hand away and turned to him and said with infinite sadness, “Then you tell me how we can fix the damage.” With that, she spun and headed back inside the restaurant.
He stood there for several minutes and then finally turned and walked slowly around the building back to his car, his chest caving not only with sadness, but worry as well. It was a bad situation made exponentially worse by pulling away from each other. No, they could never undo what they’d done, but he wished they could at least get through it together. Kate had seemed more alone just now than he could stand and he got into his car and leaned his head back against the head rest feeling utterly defeated. Last night had been heaven, but it certainly hadn’t been worth it. He wished he would have realized that in the heat of the moment. The champagne had been a terrible idea.
He was back at the restaurant that night at ten o’clock, waiting in his car in the parking lot out back. She never knew exactly when she’d get off at night. When he saw her coming out the door, he got out and met her as she headed to her car. She paused when she saw him, looking at him without saying anything. Tonight she wasn’t wearing her sunglasses and even in the dark, he could see that the only thing that had changed was that now she looked completely exhausted on top of feeling lousy and being heartbroken.
Hesitantly, he asked, “Can I drive you home? I’ll take you to church in the morning and we’ll pick up your car on the way home after.”
She shook her head and looked down. “I can’t go to church tomorrow. There’s no way. I’ll just drive home now.”
Turning toward her car, he fell into step beside her. “I knew you’d say that. But Kate, you’re wrong. You may not feel like you can go to church tomorrow, but that’s exactly what Satan wants and exactly opposite of what the Savior went through the atonement for.”
At the driver’s side door of her car, she turned to look up at him and he went on, “We fell off the wagon in a huge way last night, Kate. We did. I’m not saying we didn’t. But we can’t forget everything we’ve ever learned or completely lose ourselves because of it. Yeah, we made a huge mistake, but we need to deal with it. Just like we deal with all of the other mistakes we make in this life. We need to face that we blew it and then do what we can to fix it. Of course we can’t repair all the damage.”
He put a gentle hand to her cheek and said tenderly, “And I’m so sorry for that. So sorry.” He paused and then continued, “But we can repent and forsake that sin and do our best to get back on the wagon. The worst thing we could do is turn our backs on the Savior and try to go it without Him when we need Him and our Father in Heaven the very most. Yeah, it’s going to be awful to face those people at church tomorrow. I know that. But that’s what we need to do. Get back on the wagon as fast as possible. Not going will set Christ’s sacrifice for us as useless. Don’t you see?”
She looked up at him with big, sad eyes, and then finally dropped her head and nodded. She started to cry again as she whispered, “I can’t even pray. I know God already knows what happened, but I can’t bring myself to face him. And I feel like turning away from you and it feels incredibly lonely.”
Looking up, he sighed and then stepped close to her and pulled her to him in a sweet, tight hug. “Oh, Kate.” He rubbed a hand over her back and pulled her even closer. “Don’t ever turn away from me, Kate. The whole earth would fall off its axis if you did. Just waiting for you to get off work tonight makes me feel like I’ve been deprived of oxygen.” He kissed her hair and rubbed his cheek against it.
He went on, “I made two huge mistakes last night. The champagne was a terrible idea and I should have gotten up and gone home when we first started kissing when we were laying there. It’s all my fault and I know it. But please don’t turn away from me. I’m in this for eternity, Kate. I can’t give you back your virginity. And I’m so sorry. But last night doesn’t make me love you any less. Just the opposite is true.
He nodded. “You’re more my soul mate than ever. Let’s get through this together, babe. Let’s get back on the wagon, together and do our very, utmost best to move past this and get back on track spiritually and as a couple. Otherwise, we’ve switched teams and are doing just what the adversary hopes we’ll do.”
He stood there and held her as she cried and finally, she sniffed and said, “It wasn’t all your fault, Jason. It was every bit as much mine. I knew better. I knew better than to believe it was just fruit juice. And I knew better than to lay beside you, alone in the dark when I was so tired and get carried away. I knew better. I don’t know why I ever gave in. It’s my fault too. I knew better.” She finally looked up at him with tear filled eyes. “It’s just that I trusted you, Jason. You’ve never led me wrong before. Ever. Not in my whole life. I guess I’ve learned to trust you too much. I’m sorry.”
He groaned and closed his eyes, abjectly ashamed to have her say such a damning truth out loud. He had led her wrong. And she was the one apologizing.
She could try to cushion it, but it was his fault. He knew it in his heart. He pulled her close again and held her to him. How could he ever make this up to her? He couldn’t in a million years, but he could die trying. He would die trying. He’d spend the next few eternities trying.
They clung to each other for who knows how long and then he finally said, “You’re tired, babe. Let me take you home and we’ll come get your car on the way home from church tomorrow.” He pulled back and looked at her. “Please.” He studied her sad, tired face. “Please say yes. Don’t pull away from me. Or Jesus, either one. I let you down, but I’m going to do my best never to let you down again. And Jesus will never let you down. Neither will God. You know that, Kate. Don’t turn away. In actuality, we need to turn to them right now more than ever.”
She pushed her face tight into his chest and he rested his chin on top of her head. She sounded infinitely sad as she said, “I’ll bet Kennen is so disappointed in us.” He closed his eyes again and winced. Man, she knew how to kick a guy when he was down. He didn’t even want to think about what Kennen would say to all of this.
Taking her hand, he turned and led her back to his car and helped her in. On the short drive to her house, she was completely quiet and once there, he led her to her door somberly. On the porch, she stopped him before they got into the pool of light. When she looked up at him, for the first time, he felt hope again as he saw that some measure of peace had replaced her utter anguish.
She stood there in silence for several long moments and then finally she said, “Thank you for tonight, Jason. Thank you for pep talking me out of crawling into a hole tomorrow and making things so much worse. You’re always so wise when you counsel me like that and I absolutely appreciate it. I need it so much.” She hesitated and then went on, “I need you so much. I do love you, Jason. More than anything in this life, I love you. Please forgive me for what happened. I didn’t mean to do that. I promise.”
She reached up and kissed him ever so gently for a long, long moment. When she finally pulled her mouth away, he held her so tightly he worried about crushing her in his arms, but she held him just as tightly. They seemed to draw strength from each other and it was strength he needed desperately. He could hardly breathe when they were at odds with each other.
He reached and tenderly brushed a thumb along the hollow under her ear. “Kate, can I ask you something?” She looked up and waited and he swallowed hard and continued, “Kate, in light of what happened last n
ight. Do you think you would want to talk about getting married sometime? I don’t mean to pressure you, but getting married feels like the honorable thing to do. Do we have to keep waiting?”
Her tired eyes clouded momentarily and she sighed. She glanced down and then back up as he felt the disappointment drop into his gut as she said, “Jason, maybe getting married does feel like the honorable thing to do. And heaven knows I want that almost desperately. But it would be a mistake right now. I’m sure it would. We need to get married because we love each other and have no doubts about wanting to be together for eternity. Not because we feel guilty.”
Pausing, she leaned her forehead on his chest for a second and then looked back up at him. “Jason, can I be really, really gut honest with you?” He nodded somberly. “I’m afraid, Jason.” His eyes narrowed as he tried to understand what she was telling him as she went on in a whisper, “I’m so afraid you’ll become more and more popular and famous and rich and… And… That you’ll meet someone, someday who will make you wish you hadn’t married the girl next door. That someday in this whole super star deal you’ll find a flavor you like better than Kate. The thought of you regretting me makes me heartsick.”
Still with her heart in her eyes, she continued, “And married people have babies, Jason. I need you to be used to the glitz and fame and know I’m still the one. Before we have children involved. I can’t stand the thought of being the failed marriage on the covers of the magazines at the grocery store. Especially with a child or two caught in the middle. I’m sorry, Jason, but I have to know. It seems backwards. But I have to know.”
She stopped and dropped her eyes and he shook his head and said softly, “Kate, how many times do I have to tell you? Baby, I’m not seventeen anymore. I’m twenty four years old. Do you honestly not know to the depth of your soul that I want only you?” He pulled her face up to look at him and asked gently, “Kate, what do I have to do more than I have?”
Tears pooled in her eyes again. “You have to spread your wings and fly, Jason. Fly and then come home to me and we’ll have the biggest wedding on the planet. Just make sure first.”
He ran a hand through his hair and shook his head in frustrated disgust. “Geez, Kate, I wish you trusted me. And today I can’t even ask that.”
He swore bitterly and then pulled her tightly against him again as he let out a long sigh. “All right, Kate. We’ll wait. And I’ll fly and you’ll grow deeper roots and someday I’ll figure out how to prove myself to you. But, you know what Kate? I bitterly regret last night. I do. I’d give anything to take it all back. But you know what else? I probably shouldn’t even tell you this. It’ll make you sad again.”
She leaned her head back and looked up at him as he admitted almost fiercely, “I loved making love to you last night, Kate. I can’t even put into words what your body does to me. As wrong as that sounds. I do want you, Kate. I want you desperately. Nothing in my life has been as hard as keeping my hands off of you.”
He took a ragged breath and assured her, “I’ll wait. I’ll wait forever. And I’ll respect you. I have the greatest respect for you. But I was telling you the truth about Falcons mating for life. I haven’t changed. I’m never going to change. I’m in this for the long haul. I want to marry you, Kate. As soon as y’all can possibly get past this fear of all the other flavors. I want to try to start all over with you and take back having made intimacy with you such a hurtful thing. Because I want that Kate.”
He groaned and buried his face in her hair. “I need that, Kate. I need you.” He looked up and into her eyes. “And yeah, I want to talk to you, and laugh with you and work beside you and all of that. But I don’t want all of those things anymore than I want to have you in my bed every night for the rest of forever and ever and ever. Actually, it’s more than want. We’re way into need on the Richter scale here. Honestly, we’re probably even past need.”
Her eyes got big and he slowed and then said more gently, “I’m sorry, Kate. But you deserve gut honesty too. I’m just trying to tell you that I wish we could get married now. I wish you knew that there’s never a question of where my heart is. Even when there are crowds of different flavors. I will always come back to you, Kate Birch. Always. And I do want… Need intimacy with you. That’s the truth.”
He stayed looking into her eyes and after a moment or two she stretched up and kissed him. At first gently, and then with the same passion that had been in his voice when he’d been telling her of his need. Finally, she pulled back and looked up at him and said, “Then fly, Jason. Hurry and fly. Because I need you too.”
Chapter 4
On their way into church the next day, Jason felt her grip on his hand tighten as they approached the door. Earlier, he’d gotten a less than enthusiastic welcome from her mother as she invited him in the door when Jason came to pick her up and he’d made a mental note to ask Kate just exactly what she’d told her. Now as they prepared to face their friends at church, he was infinitely glad no one here had an inkling about how much he’d messed up.
Even after the spiel he had given Kate the night before about the atonement, it was all he could do to walk inside those church doors himself. Thankfully, just what he’d hoped would happen when he’d encouraged Kate, did happen. Listening to the service and the lessons about the Savior and his pure charitable love for all men made truly coming back into the fold seem honestly doable. He could feel Kate loosen up a little as she sat beside him as well, and slowly but surely, that belly deep sick feeling began to dissipate.
They did feel better for having come to church, but the worry in her eyes that he’d wondered about lately was more apparent than ever and he wasn’t surprised when she refused an invitation to Sunday dinner at his parents’. Pleading tiredness, she left him on her front porch and he went over to his parents’ alone and lonely.
He asked her out again several times over the next week, but she only went with him three times and even then she seemed far more distant than he’d hoped. Every time he mentioned doing something with Cody that shadow would reappear in her eyes and he had to wonder if she’d ever want to do anything with his best friend and band partner again.
Finally, the night before he had to fly out for a concert in Mobile, she seemed to get back to the Kate he knew. He took her to a quiet dinner at an elegant restaurant and then back to his apartment where he played his guitar for her. She sat with her back against the couch at his feet like she’d done since she was a child and for awhile there it felt like the Jason and Kate from before that fateful night with the champagne. Even when a couple of women at the restaurant were whispering and obviously talking about him, Kate seemed to be herself for that whole evening and he was able to feel half way decent about flying out the next day and leaving her.
She rode with him and Cody to the airport in Oklahoma City like she usually did and Jason was glad she was able to greet Cody in a relatively normal manner as they picked him up, Jason had been worrying about how the two of them were going to deal with things since that awful night. Kate was none too effluent about her greeting, but she still agreed to take them. That was something.
He should have known she’d deal with things fine. She’d been handling the business for the band for a couple of years. In truth, even though she was only nineteen, going on twenty, she was the most competent person he’d ever known and handled the business end and scheduling and travel arrangements more smoothly than a whole team of help did for other bands their size. And she did that on top of being the general manager of her parents’ restaurant now and even going to college full time. She was amazing that way.
She’d had to learn to be professional at an early age as a result of her dad being injured so badly right before she turned fifteen. At that time, Kate had been helping at the family restaurant, while her parents managed it and her older sister Kiersten, who was then twenty, had been off to college just outside of Tulsa.
When her dad was hurt, her mother had needed to be with her dad, and
Kiersten could only come home on the week ends. Kate had been the temporary stop gap and had pulled off being a very under aged manager with an amazing amount of aplomb for someone who had to ride the bus from school to get to work, have an older employee sign for the liquor shipments and then finish her homework after the place shut down at night. All in all, Kate ended up being a business and managerial whiz and had been invaluable in managing things for their up and coming band.
She had been too young to go to most of their concerts. She still was for some of them. And after going along a few times when they’d just been starting out, she’d been content to stay at home, where she claimed her roots were, and let Jason “fly” without her. Sometimes too content. Jason knew that the popularity and the huge amount of press were intimidating to her and now he knew why.
Still, Kate had an uncanny handle on the fact that a major portion of the band’s success hinged on that very glitz and she’d been incredibly effective at arranging PR events to promote them. They now had a part time manager, Scotty, and they both had agents, but Kate still managed the manager so to speak and Jason was incredibly proud of how well she handled everything. She was indeed amazing.
She usually just dropped them at the curb where they’d both pile out and meet the other members of the band and their techs and roadies, and then she’d take Jason’s car home so she could come back and pick them up again when they returned, but this time, they dropped Cody and their gear and he stayed with her for a few minutes.
He pulled ahead away from Cody so they had some privacy and then stopped the car and looked over at her; ridiculously loathe to leave her this time. There was the same sadness in her face that he was feeling, but there was also that slightly uncomfortable shadow of worry she’d begun to carry around with her, and he wished he had about an hour to sit and talk to her and hold her and tell her goodbye.
Falcon Song: A love story Page 4