“You’ve been to one of their concerts?”
“Or like all of them.” She grinned. “I’ve had to grow up though, ya know. I’m married and have a child. And actually, Mike is ten times more adorable than Cody Rawlings anyway.”
Kate nodded. “Mike is pretty gorgeous. And I’m not sure, but I think Cody is finally going to get serious with a girl and settle down. Which is the most amazing thing. He is a maniac.”
“Yeah, but Jason isn’t.”
“No, Jason isn’t a maniac. But he’s no saint either.”
“Are you sure, Kate? Because other than the drinking there for awhile, he seems pretty saintly. And he did buy a house next door. I’m sure he has enough money that that’s not that big a deal financially, but he isn’t buying it for status. It’s not that nice of a house. And you do have a child together. Maybe he’s just suddenly decided he’s ready to settle down and he wants to get back together. Whatever made you two break up must not still be an argument. Neither one of y’all look too mad at the other.”
Kate gave her a hesitant smile. “No, mad is really not the word.”
Elise grinned. “What’s the word?”
Kate blushed and shook her head and Elise gave her a full blown smile. “Really? Kate!”
“Elise, it’s not what you think. I mean I know that sounds suspect when I have his son, but we’re really not that way. At least I don’t think we are. I know I’m not. Believe it or not, that one night was the only time I’ve ever been intimate in my life.” She sighed. “I was drunk and didn’t realize what I was doing. I can’t even remember it. It was the only time I’ve been drunk in my life too, I promise.”
“But you were married. There was your husband.”
“I only got married because John needed a way to protect his assets. That’s another long story, Elise, but John was really only my business partner. Realistically, my boss. He was terminally ill and his ex and kids were trying to take everything he had. She would have squandered it, so he put it into a scholarship foundation and married me to tie their hands. We never so much as kissed.”
“Never even kissed?” Kate shook her head and Elise was obviously too floored to speak for a second and then finally asked, “Does Jason know that?”
Kate rolled her eyes and shook her head. “No. It’s not like did you have sex with your husband is much of a question. No one doesn’t have sex when they’re married. And it’s probably not a really pleasant subject anyway.”
With still wide eyes, Elise said, “Man, Kate, you’re life is quite a soap opera! What other funky stories have you lived through?”
Kate smiled self consciously. “None that I want to divulge this morning. Do you want me to watch Gretchen?”
“No.” Elise laughed. “I wanted you to fascinate me with tales of intimacy and intrigue. Y’all should write a memoir. With Jason in it, you could probably make a lot of money!”
“Elise, other than Jason himself, Cody and my mom and sister, you’re the only one who knows who Kennen’s real dad is. It’s pretty private. Please don’t say anything to anyone. You didn’t tell Peggy about us, did you?”
“Heavens no. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t gloat to myself though. But I have to admit I told Mike. But I made him promise not to tell. He’s good for it. And it’s not like it’s not a hundred percent obvious when they’re together.
Kate shook her head and sighed. “I know. I’m doomed. That was one of the reasons I agreed to marry John so Kennen and I would be more respectable as a widow and son instead of an unwed mother and son. But their alikeness blows that all to heck.”
“You worry too much, Kate. There are more important issues to fuss over. You know, world hunger, that kind of thing.”
“That’s easy for you to say, Elise. Do you have any idea how awkward going to church as an unwed pregnant person was? I mean to the world, it’s no big deal, but it should be. It is a big deal. ”
“Kate, stop right there. You can’t worry about appearances anymore. You made a mistake. You’ve moved past it as well as you could and you have to let it go. Focus on the future. All you can do is your best. If someone can’t deal with that, you can’t let that hang you up. So, speaking of the future. What’s going on with Jason really? He’s talking marriage?”
“He may be. I’m not. That’s insane. He didn’t even know about Kennen until day before yesterday.”
Elise’s eyes got huge. “You’re kidding! You’ve got to be kidding!”
Kate shook her head. “No. Cody busted Kennen and me at the grocery store and after he saw Kennen, he told Jason. And no, I can’t entertain you with the intimacy and intrigue. It still hurts too badly and I’d just bawl all the way through the painful details.”
Knowing she sounded like she was going to cry, and that Elise knew it, Kate tried to lighten up. “Let’s take the kids and go to lunch, shall we? My treat. We’ll go to my restaurant.”
“I am all about ribs! Just don’t let me eat more than two. Is Jason not coming today?”
“He’s out of town for a few days. And while he’s gone, I need to find my brain where he’s concerned.”
“I’m not sure what you mean by that, Kate. Do y’all want to explain? Where did the kids go?”
Kate ran a frustrated hand through her curls. “I can’t just fall into his arms, Elise. That would be the dumbest thing on the planet earth. And he’s just a trifle tempting to me.”
Elise laughed. “A trifle? Huh? Have you seen him lately?”
“That’s exactly what I mean. Crud. Look at those two. They’re filthy. Kennen’s been eating a marker again. I’ll bet the walls are beautiful.”
“Personally, I don’t see a problem with falling into his arms. He’s got great arms. And he likes you. Maybe even loves you if he wants to tie the knot. What’s the problem?”
“Of course he loves me. That’s not the point.”
“It’s not? And he does? How come you don’t question that, when you question everything else?”
“He’s loved me since I was fourteen, Elise. I just have no idea how to know if he doesn’t love all the other girls as well. And will he be a stable father? Or will Kennen have to deal with the whole Hollywood lifestyle?”
Elise turned and put her hands on her hips and said in a sassy southern drawl, “Girl, you have got it all backwards and upside down. I’m sure he doesn’t talk marriage to every girl he sees. Did you catch him sleeping with someone? Is that what this is all about?”
“No! Of course not.”
“Then cut him some ease, Kate! I can promise you he isn’t perfect, because none of us humans are. But you’re killing yourself. Do you realize you’re not allowing yourself to enjoy him because you’re afraid something will come up to make things unenjoyable? That’s defeating yourself before you’ve even begun. You have a kid together. It’s not like if you dare to take a chance something big could go wrong. A kid is as big as it gets. And apparently it went way wrong. And y’all still love each other. Forget the other women. He’s a superstar. They will drool. So what? That doesn’t make him unfaithful. Does it?”
“You make a killer argument, Elise, but you don’t really know him.”
“Honey, as long as he’s been in the public eye, if there was any truly good dirt, don’t you think someone would have found it?”
“Yeah.”
“You know Kate; it’d be easy to find out if he’s serious. All he has to do is ask you to marry him and then do it. He won’t if he’s not. As long as you don’t do anything terribly foolish before he proves himself, you’ve got your answer.”
Kate nodded thoughtfully and finally Elise asked, “Here’s the real question, Kate. You believe in God right?”
“Yes, of course.”
“And that God tries to guide us with personal inspiration for our own issues.” Kate nodded. “And you say you’ve known Jason all your life. So, in your truly knowledgeable opinion, backed up by personal inspiration from God himself, is he trustwor
thy?”
“God? Or Jason?”
“Jason, you noodle head. Of course God is trustworthy. Is Jason?”
“Yes. I . . . I . . . I think so.”
“And what do you want? What does Kate really, truly want?”
Kate closed her eyes as they began to tear. Oh, that is too hard of a question. She hesitated for several seconds as she tried to face the real answer to that and then whispered, “I want to be with Jason.”
“Good. Remember that.” Elise ripped the magazine cover off the fridge, wadded it up and tossed it under the sink into the trash. “Let’s go eat.”
***
Two days later, when Kate was watching Jason and the band in a video on CMT, she was trying to keep that in mind as Jason sang about unrequited love to a top heavy brunette in a Daisy Mae outfit. Kate knew it was just a music video, but it still made her uncomfortable.
Then, as she took Kennen for a walk to the park in his stroller, the neighbor who lived in the house next door to where Jason was supposedly buying, wanted to talk and she mentioned just what she’d like to do with Jason Falcon if she ever got the chance. Kate wanted to hurl, right on her sidewalk. She kept telling herself Jason couldn’t control what others thought or said about him, but it certainly brought the point home that privacy and discretion weren’t ever going to be the backbone of a life with him. She toyed with the bracelet on her wrist, willing the worry to go and some of that sweet emotion from the other night to take its place. It was hard to stay off of this roller coaster.
Chapter 24
After being on the road for four days, Jason was tired, and hungry, and incredibly ready to see Kate again. He’d missed her so much this trip that he couldn’t figure out how he’d survived at all when she had been gone. As the captain came on and announced final approach, Cody woke up beside him and stretched and asked, “So what are your plans?”
“Drive to Tulsa and see Kate and Kennen. What are yours?”
Cody grinned. “Drive to Tulsa and see Jennika and see if I can talk her into a Kennen.”
Drily, Jason counseled, “Take my advice and marry her first. What would you say if I said I want to take some time off of touring?”
“I’d say I’ve been trying to figure out how to broach that subject for several weeks. But the guys are gonna hate it. We’re at the top of our game right now.”
Jason shrugged. “It’s our band. And you and I both know there are more important things than concerts. I bought a house in Tulsa. If you’ll come try to remind me to keep my hands to myself where Kate is concerned, I’ll rent you half of it.”
“When in the… When did you buy a house in Tulsa?”
“The morning after I found Kate. It’s in her back yard. She’s gonna kill me when she finds out.”
“I thought you said things have been going well. Why would she kill you?”
“Because she’s still intimidated by all of the hoopla. She loves me, I love her. But that’s not enough. Or it’s too much. Something. She’s still scared to be committed, just like before she took off.”
“You’re telling me you’ve been talking about commitment? In the first two days? Geez, y’all are gutty, Falcon. No wonder she’s gonna kill you.”
Jason shook his head. “I have a son, Cody. And I love his mother. And Kate needs to know there aren’t any doubts.” He grinned. “It freaks her out a little, but… Hopefully the feelings that are still there can overcome that. So you want to move to Tulsa?”
“I’m gonna have to behave myself in your house, aren’t I?”
“Yup.”
“Good. Then I’ll take you up on that. But you have to agree to remind me about that hands to yourself policy. Jennika would deck me and then dump me."
Jason laughed. “You could just marry her and not worry about keeping to yourself.”
Cody rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “You know? I’ve actually been thinking about that. It scares the hell out of me.”
“Does the commitment scare you or are you just afraid Jennika will find out what you’re really like?”
“Hey now. Actually, Jennika already knows what I used to be like. And I’m not afraid of commitment. But do you know how weird it is to want to be with the same person twenty four seven three sixty five? That’s what’s freaking me out. That and that she’s raving brilliant.”
“Oh, like you’re not. Enjoy it. Your children will be prodigies.”
“Yeah, and give their poor, mindless-wonder dad looks of pity when he’s trying to help them with their homework.”
“You just love their mother and the homework thing will work itself out.”
“I’m gonna hold you to that, Falcon, and if it doesn’t work, I’m sending them to your house.”
Jason grinned again. “You just worry about getting Jennika to agree to this. Then we’ll talk about homework.”
***
When her door bell rang, Kate opened it to Jason’s weary smile and she glanced at her watch. “Jason, you just drove here in an hour and fifty minutes, this tired? You’ll kill yourself. Come on in. Have you eaten?”
“Yes, I did just drive here, I survived, thanks and no I haven’t eaten. Can I take you out, or are you still concerned about being seen with me?”
“That can’t be how I worded it. Where are you thinking of going? Will we be mobbed by fans?”
“If I’m honest and say we won’t be mobbed but someone might talk to us, are you going to tell me no?”
She screwed her lips to the side as if thinking. “I don’t know. What do y’all think I should do?”
“Come over here and kiss me.”
She laughed. “And how does that help in deciding?”
“I’m not sure, but even though I’m starving, it sounds way better than food.”
Unsure of how to deal with him like this, she laughed again and wrapped one arm around his waist and leaned in and kissed him, but then backed away. He shook his head and followed her. “No way, Kate. I’ve thought about kissing you all the way across three states. Come back. That was far too quick.”
She let him pull her close and kissed him, but then looked up into his eyes and said, “Jason, doesn’t the fact that we didn’t see each other for so long and then started right back up where we left off, trouble you?”
“Nope.” He kissed her again and shook his head. “Not seeing you killed me. Kissing doesn’t trouble me one iota. Frankly, it fixes my troubles. Your kiss has always been that way for me. But I also don’t think we’re right where we left off. I think we’ve both been tempered by time and the hell we’ve been through. I think we’re stronger and wiser and more mature. It doesn’t trouble me, Kate. It comforts me.”
Looking down, she admitted, “It troubles me, Jason. I feel like we need to be really careful to be wise in our relationship. For Kennen.”
“I know, honey, and I’m sorry I’m not more worried. But I love you, and I missed you and I really want to kiss you. And honestly, Kate. I don’t have the doubts you have. I know you, and I have the greatest respect for you, and I know me, and I think I’ll be a great husband and father. I wish you believed the same.”
Kate thought back to the conversation she and Elise had had and admitted softly, “Sometimes I believe the same, Jason. When I really think about it and listen for what God is trying to tell me, I think the same. I want to think the same. I’m just so afraid sometimes. I’m just so worried that I’ll make a bad decision and Kennen will have to bear it.”
Jason sat down and tugged her down with him. “Where is he? Is he okay?”
“He’s with Gretchen. He’s fine.”
“Okay, then can you tell me one more time, what it is you’re afraid of with me? What is it that scares you? And you can be honest.”
She hid her face against his chest. “Honest can hurt sometimes.”
“Not as much as not being together, together. I’m trying to get on with getting on to eternity with you, Kate, and in that way, we are still back where we left
off. Even after completely settling the issue of coming back to you and knowing Kate is the only flavor. You didn’t want to talk about getting married then either. Just help me understand why.”
“You’re wrong, Jason. I so wanted to talk about getting married. It was just that I needed to know you wouldn’t regret me.”
He tipped her face to look at him and asked gently, “And do you finally know I’ll never regret you?”
She looked up into his eyes, and for just a second that awful night in Lubbock when she’d knocked on that door flashed into her mind and she struggled to not let that pain influence her. She searched his eyes, and what she saw there was enough to make her know that yes, she could trust him to be faithful and that the only thing that would make him regret her would be for her to make the huge mistakes this time.
She snuggled back into his chest. “Yes.”
“So, then what else is holding you back?”
She sighed, because right now, she had to face the fact that it wasn’t Jason at all she was worried about any more. Over the last few days, she had come to believe he really was hers forever if she would accept him. The problem was wondering if she was strong enough to deal with what being married to Jason would mean. And it was an incredibly intimidating question. Did she have the fortitude to take what he came with and not let it steamroll her? In a low voice, she admitted, “I guess, the real question, Jason, is do I have what it takes to handle being married to Jason the country music star?”
He leaned back from her with a huge smile. “Oh, Kate, that’s easy! Of course you do! You’re the strongest, most competent woman I’ve ever known. You can handle way worse stuff than just that.”
She hid her face against him again. “I don’t know. The fame and the girls and the videos and the dancing and the travel and the rumors and the paparazzi and everything else. Can I really do that?”
Falcon Song: A love story Page 26