Unbearable (Undescribable)

by Tessier, Shantel

  He nods his head slowly. “Yeah, I showed up right after he had talked to you. I wanted to stay and explain then, but I figured you would need some time to process what was happening. I…” He pauses as I stare at him, still silently crying. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the lies. Sorry that you didn’t get the time you wanted with her. She loved you, and in her own way, she was accepting her fate, coming to terms with the fact that she couldn’t fight the inevitable. She was tired of fighting a battle she knew she wouldn’t win,” he whispers as his eyes fall to look at the pictures sitting on the coffee table. “She spoke of Jack all the time. When he discovered she had cancer, he didn’t waste a second getting everything set up for her. The best doctors money could buy, setting her up an account. She was so excited that he was moving in with her and then when he passed…. I think when he died it broke a piece of her. She wanted to die as well.”

  I close my eyes, thinking of my stepdad. “He was telling the truth wasn’t he? She was cheating on Greg with my dad?” I ask, biting my lip. She had to have been. She was still married to Greg when she found out she had cancer. Dad must have passed before she had the chance to leave Greg. She told me they had only divorced last year.

  “I don’t know if Marie and Jack had a physical relationship, but I know they never stopped loving each other,” he replies honestly.

  “I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t tell me,” I say, grinding my teeth together in frustration. “You say after my dad died she just gave up. Was I not enough to live for?” I sob out, not able to hold it in anymore.

  “Oh, Sam.” I hear him move closer. He pulls me into a hug as I cover my face with my hands. “Your life was more important to her than her own.” He rubs a hand down my back. “That’s why she didn’t want you to give it up for her.”

  I shake my head, pulling away from him. I stand up and start heading for the door. “I need to go,” I cry as I try to stop the tears. I feel the need to fall apart again and I want to do it alone.

  “Sam?”

  I would have kept walking if not for the desperation in his voice. I stop with my hand on the door, but keep my back to him. I feel his hands on my shoulders and he turns me around. I stare up at him, into his dark blue eyes. “I’m so sorry for everything. I want to be your friend. Please let me help you.”

  “Help me?” I question, not really knowing what he means.

  He comes closer to me, and reaches up to brush the tears from my face. “If I know you, you won’t allow Slade to see you like this. I just want to be your friend. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you thought she was pushing you away. I’m asking you now, let me in to help you through this time of need.”

  “Thanks.” He’s right. Slade cannot see me like this. “You can never have enough friends, right?” I give him a small grin that he returns.

  I turn around and open the door. As I step out of the house, I turn around and look at him. “I’m not mad at you,” I say. The only person I am mad at is me.

  “Yes, you are, but that’s okay. I can take you being mad at me, just don’t hate me. Please don’t hate me,” he whispers as his blue eyes search mine.

  “I could never hate you.” I turn and walk to Nadia. Right now, I hate myself. I hate the world. I hate that I feel like the past five years of my life have been taken from me. It’s all been a lie. I was living in a make believe world, a world that my mom created for me. If she would have told me the truth, my life would have been so different. My mother thought it would have been filled with darkness, having to take care of her. But now, the rest of my life will be filled with the darkness which came from her death. I will forever live with the guilt that I wasn’t there for her, and no words or friends will change that. Not even Slade can change that.

  I drive to the only place I can be completely alone. I need to just cry my eyes out without someone watching me or touching me.

  I park and get out of the truck. I walk to the edge of the hill and sit down. I close my eyes. She wanted me to live a life full of possibilities. Those possibilities led me to Slade. I couldn’t live without him. If he died, would I fight or would I give up? I would want to die as well, but I would fight, because I know him. He would want me to go on with my life, remembering the life that we had together.

  I open my eyes and walk back to the truck when I hear my cell, knowing from the ringtone that it’s Slade.

  “Hello?” I try to sound cheerful

  “Hey, Angel. How is your day going?”

  “Great,” I lie.

  I hear him take in a deep breath. “What are you up to?”

  “Heading to the mall,” I lie again, as I look out over the beautiful city from on top of the hill that he once brought me to.

  “That sounds like fun. I only have a few minutes to talk. I just wanted to call and tell you I love you.”

  “I love you too, baby. What time will you be home?”

  “I should be done in about an hour.”

  “Okay. Would you like me to cook you some lunch?”

  “How about I pick us up something on my way home?”

  “Chinese?” I ask.

  “Chinese.” He laughs.

  “Okay, I’ll see you when you get home. I love you.”

  “Love you too, Angel.”

  I look down at my phone and shut it off. I toss it in the truck and walk back to the edge of the hill. I sit down and let the tears fall. I have got to stop this. This is going to destroy my life. I’m lying to Slade but what other choice do I have? He will just continue to coddle me. I need to let it all out and move on with my life.

  I close my eyes and see Mom smiling in that picture of her and Tate. “I love you, Mom,” I whisper into the afternoon air. “I miss you so much, but I know you’re no longer suffering. I would never want you to be in pain.” Tears slide down my face as I bite my bottom lip. “I hope you’re with Dad,” I sob out. “I miss you both so much.” I pull my legs to my chest, place my head on my bare knees, and let the city watch me cry.

  This is it; I will not cry anymore. I will not feel sorry for myself. How could I when I think of all the things my mother went through? At least now I know she didn’t go through it alone, she had Tate.

  I open my eyes and lift my head. I smile as I wipe my face. In a way, I guess I owe him a lot. How could I be mad at someone who was there for my mom until the end?

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  I pull into our garage and reach over to the passenger seat, grabbing the Chinese food.

  I walk into the house and come to a stop when I see Angel pacing the hallway outside the kitchen. She has her head down and her arms crossed over her chest.

  “Angel?”

  She looks up at me and her eyes are bloodshot, but they look hard. Her face looks to be dry but I can tell she has been crying. I don’t know what I can do to help her move on and be happy. She may never get over her mother’s death. She may forever feel this way…brokenhearted.

  “I need to tell you something,” she says sternly.

  “Okay, Angel. Are you—”

  She puts her hand up. “Don’t speak, just listen.”

  I nod my head, wondering what the hell is going on. Why does she look pissed?

  “I’m fine.”

  I stand there staring at her, waiting for her to continue, but she doesn’t. “You keep saying that, but—”

  She cuts me off. “I told you to listen,” she snaps.

  I swallow. Fuck! This must be a test. She is throwing my ass into the deep end, and I am going to fail miserably, because I don’t have a fucking clue what’s going on.

  “What do you see when you look at me?” She places her hands on her hips.

  Yep! Going to sink to the bottom like a motherfucking cinderblock. I never know what the hell is going on in her head. So, I start to say ‘the love of my life’ when she speaks.

  “You don’t even have to say it. I know exactly what you see. You see someone you need to coddle. Someone who breaks down al
l the time.” She rolls her eyes dramatically. “I keep telling you I’m okay, but you don’t fucking listen.” She starts to pace again as she runs a hand through her dark hair. “My mom passed, Slade. It hurts, it is hard.” She stops pacing and walks up to me. “But I will be okay. I am okay. I feel most of my life has been filled with secrets and lies. I want neither of those between us. I love you and want us to be honest. Even if we have to have a yelling match right here in this hallway.”

  She stares up into my eyes, waiting for me to answer. I nod my head, not knowing if I’m allowed to speak yet, and wondering why in the hell we would have a screaming match.

  “I saw Tate today.”

  Now I know why she said we might scream. “Why the—” I start to demand, only to be interrupted yet again.

  “I tried to tell you this morning, but you brushed me off and told me to sleep all day,” she interjects sarcastically as if that was an absurd idea.

  “He came into the bar last night and told me he wanted to talk. I decided I wanted to hear what he had to say.” She turns away from me, starting to pace again. “He had pictures of my mom. She was in the hospital, Slade. She had checked herself out to come see me at the house. She didn’t want me to know what was going on before she could explain it. Tate was supposed to take her back the morning we left but she called him and said you had talked to her.” She spins back around to face me and places her small hands on my face. “Thank you.”

  “For what, Angel?” I ask slowly.

  “For making her see how much I wanted her. How much I loved her. She may no longer be here, Slade, but I know if she was, I would be spending time with her.” She smiles and it’s the first real one I have seen on her face in a long time. “I know it may sound crazy, but that’s my closure. My mother was stubborn.” I grin. She’s just like her mother. “But she finally wanted to let me in after a five minute conversation with you and that is all I need to know.”

  I pull out of her hands and place the take-out bags on the floor, then step up to her. “I love you.”

  The smile drops off her face.

  “Another thing.”

  Shit!

  “Why do you keep pushing me away? Do you not find me attractive anymore?”

  I swear some of the shit that comes out of her mouth has me thinking she is crazy. “I always want you.”

  “Well, you haven’t had me,” she states, playfully hitting me on the arm. Then she lets out a breath, getting serious. “Why do you keep pushing me away?”

  I’m not going to try to explain how I thought she needed more from me than sex because I have a feeling she will just roll her eyes again. I lean into her and drag her to me. I kiss her as if I have never kissed her before, taking both of our breaths away.

  I pull away and she places her hands on my chest and takes a step closer to me. “I know you love me, Slade. But lately you haven’t acted like you still want me. I’ve been trying to show you that I need you.” She lowers her eyes for a second and then they are back on mine. “Show me you need me too.” She nibbles nervously on her lip, waiting for me to respond.

  The only way I can think to respond to her is to show her. I reach down and pick her up. I walk to our bedroom and toss her onto the bed as she giggles. That sound fills my ears and I smile, lying down next to her.

  “That’s it.”

  “What?” she says through her laughter.

  “That laugh, I don’t know how I ever survived without it.” I run my thumb over her bottom lip. “The world could be ending and it wouldn’t matter, nothing matters but that sound.” That sound has given me hope for us plenty of times in the past, and it just reassured me that she is still here with me. “I thought I had lost you,” I say, honestly.

  “I know, I thought I had lost myself too. I tried my hardest to let it go. And I would wake up in the morning feeling great, knowing I had you.” She smiles slowly. “But by the end of the day I couldn’t help but feel like everything would come crashing down on me. Tate showing up. Courtney wanting to move here. You always seemed to make me feel like I had more of a reason to be depressed than happy,” she says sadly.

  “I never meant to do that, Angel. I’m sorry. I will listen to you from now on.” I feel bad that I thought I was there for her but instead I was only making it worse.

  “I was telling you the truth when I said I don’t want any lies or secrets between us.” She takes in a deep breath. “I’ve lied to you a lot lately.”

  My hand stops running through her hair. “About what?” I ask cautiously.

  She closes her eyes. “I didn’t want to sell my car. I know it was just a car, but that car meant a lot to me. About being in a great mood when you called today, I was actually in the middle of another breakdown. My last breakdown,” she clarifies, “and I wasn’t heading toward the mall. I was sitting on the hill alone, just clearing my mind and saying my goodbyes.”

  I search her beautiful face and bright green eyes. I made her feel like she had to lie to me. I was the main reason for her feeling so badly. “Thank you for being honest with me,” I finally say.

  “You’re mad at me,” she says, interpreting my pause the wrong way.

  “No, I could never be mad at you for that. It was my fault that you felt you couldn’t be honest.” I look at her for a few seconds. “You’re right. I would have freaked out about you going to Tate’s and not wanting me to go, though.”

  “I tried to ask you this morning to go with me.”

  “Well, I’m glad you found out what you needed.” I’m also glad that she didn’t take my advice and lay in bed all day. How could I have not seen that she was trying to move forward? I can’t believe this entire time I was the one bringing her down and not helping her.

  She gives me a soft smile. Then she gets quiet for a few seconds. “There’s one more thing I want to do, will you do it with me?”

  “Absolutely.”

  She gets out of bed, tugging on my arm. I follow her without question. She walks me into the living room and picks up her mom’s urn. “Will you get my dad’s down for me, please?”

  I bring it over to the coffee table and then watch as she opens them both up, before pouring her mom’s ashes into her father’s urn.

  “They belong together.” She looks up to me with a small smile on her face. “They deserve to have their forever, too.”

  I feel my throat tighten up as my eyes start to sting. How did I not see it? How did I miss when she turned the corner and was no longer grieving for her mother?

  She walks over to the fireplace, places the urn in the center, and gazes at it. “They were truly in love with one another. In the note my mother left me, she said her love for me did not end with her death. I now know what that means. My dad never stopped loving her and she never stopped loving him.”

  I walk up to her and place my hands on her face. “I’m so sorry, Angel. I didn’t know I was the one that was hurting you.”

  “Don’t apologize, baby, just show me. Show me that you believe me. All I’ve ever needed was you. I can survive anything if I have you.”

  Her eyes roam my face and I smile down at her. “So, what do we do now?”

  “Well, you have two options.” She runs a hand up my chest. “One, you can go get our food from the hallway so we can eat. Or two, you can take me back to bed.”

  “I choose option two,” I say, lowering my face down to hers.

  “Good choice,” she whispers before my lips crash onto hers as I lift her up and carry her back to our room.

  Her hands grab my arms and she pulls me on top of her on the bed. I straddle her small hips and pull her to a sitting position. I pull my lips from hers long enough to pull her shirt over her head. She falls to her back and I go to work on her shorts. She pushes me off of her and kicks them off as if they are on fire. Before I even have a chance to move, she slams into me, shoving me on my back. She lets out another laugh. “Sorry, I’m tired of waiting on you to make a move.”

  I l
ift an eyebrow and grab a hold of her hands as they work on my zipper. “What does that mean?”

  “It means you’ve been a prude lately.”

  I bite the inside of my lip, trying not to laugh at how right she is. I push her onto her back and pin her hands to the bed by her head.

  “Well Angel, let me show you what I have been waiting to do with that sexy body of yours.”

  I awaken to the sound of my alarm and see the back of my Angel, sleeping in front of me. I smile as I lift my hand and push aside some of her hair, placing soft sweet kisses up her neck, but she doesn’t even move.

  “Angel,” I whisper in her ear. I want her so badly right now. I want to take her hard and fast, just how she likes it.

  “Slade,” she whispers, pushing her ass into my hard erection.

  I smile as I kiss her bare shoulder. I place a hand on her thigh and it slowly travels upward to her hipbone. I slip my hand between her legs as she lets out a long breath.

  I lean up on my arm and look down at the side of her face. Her eyes are still closed and I have a feeling she is still somewhat asleep. I smile. I’m going to wake her up in the best way. I know she is still tired and needs her rest but I can’t help it, I need her right now. I need to take her, to possess her.

  I ease a finger into her and groan at how wet she is. God, she is always ready, and knowing that turns me on more than I can handle sometimes.

  “Wake up, Angel,” I murmur, leaning down to nibble on her ear.

  She moans again as she clamps down around my fingers.

  I take my fingers out of her and turn her gently so she is lying on her back.

  I set myself between her and slide two fingers into her again. She moans as she arches her back. I look down at her face and see her eyes are still closed.

  I take my hard cock in my hand and gently ease it into her. I want to wake her up slowly, not quickly. I lean down and smooth her hair off her beautiful face and start rocking my hips.

  She starts to move her head back and forth, as she moans. “Slade,” she sighs out and I pick up my speed.