by Bridle, Dee
This is the only way
Tell Ava to live her life and be extraordinary
My heart is yours and always will be
xx
I heard a keening cry, and I realized it was coming from me, all the way from the deep recesses of my chest. I slid off the bed onto the floor and held my knees tight against me. I was going to break apart and I needed to hold on for dear life.
I stayed there for hours, not moving. My arms ached from holding my legs so tightly and my neck became stiff, shooting pain down my spine. I welcomed the pain, because the rest of me was numb.
She had been erased from my life. Everything in the house had been removed, like she had been a dirty secret that we didn’t talk about.
I thought back to the time five years ago and how I was shipped off to my auntie’s house for a month, because my father wasn’t coping with my mother’s supposed disappearance. Everyone confirmed to me that she had run away and left us all alone. My father always told me about his discussions with the police at the station. No one else in the family spoke about it, like they were so shocked and upset that talking about it would make it hurt even more. There had been hushed discussions, but I could never hear them. Maybe I was too broken to try. I had lost a mother. I had hoped and prayed each night that she would return to me.
I cried my heart out until my head ached and my eyes felt swollen.
I was fearful of what I would do next. I felt the flames of anger licking at my insides, and I wanted to scream and shout. I wanted to confront my lying father and tell him that I knew the truth. I wanted to know why it was kept a secret from me. I wanted to trash the house and break everything that had been bought after my mother had died. I wanted to throw Sarah’s things out of the window and set fire to them.
I wanted to rip my heart out and stop the aching.
But I didn’t do anything. I just folded the papers up and slipped them back in the envelope, sealing it shut.
I had been lied to all my life. I hadn’t known that my mother was unhappy and that my father hadn’t done anything until it was too late. My entire life had been a lie.
Now I was undeniably and utterly alone.
* * *
Weeks went past.
I went to parties.
I drank a lot of alcohol.
I smoked weed when it was offered, and I no longer cared about anything.
Tyler stuck around and I had no idea why, but he was usually the one who made sure I got home safely each time.
I would never be the same.
Sophie tried her hardest to make me focus on our exams, but I no longer cared about university or my future. I just wanted to escape reality and be numb.
They all blamed Zac, and I let them, because I didn’t want them to know the truth about my mother. I kept it all inside, where it silently gnawed away at my self-preservation.
I hated Zac for finding my mother, but I loved him for it as well. I had five years to soften the blow of my mother’s death while Zac had left me raw and extremely hurt. Each day I found it more and more difficult to breathe, because I needed him now more than ever.
I didn’t hear from any of them, except for Janey who had sent a text message to me late one night.
Janey: Miss you xx
I replied – Miss you too x
The self-defense class had texted me a reminder of the class times, and I decided to keep going even if Janey had dropped out. I learned how to defend myself, but I also used the training to release my pent-up anger. I still felt alone but I was now capable of kicking someone’s ass and escaping them if I needed to.
I made myself go to the cemetery. My mother had a small plaque in the grass, and I dropped to my knees in front of it and cried. I wanted answers from her. I wanted to know what had made her so unhappy that the only way was to end it. I wanted to tell her that I was nowhere near to being extraordinary. I was just a girl who was totally empty and sad.
Our Graduation Ball was set and Tyler asked me to go. I refused until Sophie pleaded for me to go, to share some fun with our high school friends before it all changed and we all went our separate ways.
I bought a dress with Sophie, not really interested in the cut or the designer name. I bought designer heels and I had my hair curled. I was numb throughout the entire process.
Tyler had booked a suite in the same hotel as the ball and a group of us had drinks before we went down and had fun with the rest of the Year level. The look on Tyler’s face when he saw me in my dress had his eyes dancing with lust and absolute appreciation. Any other girl would have felt beautiful, but I felt nothing. I only wanted one pair of eyes that looked at me like that and they didn’t belong to Tyler.
It had now been two months.
Two months of feeling hollow. According to Tyler, I should have been starting to get over Zac by now, and I knew he had been waiting patiently, but I didn’t want him. I felt the same pain every day and it never let up. There was only one person who could take that pain away.
I headed over to the window of the hotel room and looked out at the night.
“You look so beautiful tonight,” he said into my ear behind me.
I continued to stare out, seeing our reflection in the window. In another time and place, we could have looked good together. My hair and dark makeup didn’t really fit with his style, but we still looked like we could belong to each other. I just didn’t want to be that girl.
I still yearned for my dark knight, the only one who could heat my body through with one knowing glance. He was the only one for me, but he was no longer mine. He never really had been.
I was so tired of feeling empty, so fed up with the pain that maybe I needed to move on with Tyler and award him for his patience. It was the biggest social cliché on prom night, but maybe I needed to get Zac out of my system by replacing him. Maybe it would help me sleep through the nights again, because that’s where he seemed to torture me the most. If it wasn’t a nightmare about my mother, every other dream was of him, and I hadn’t slept soundly for weeks.
Pressure pounded in my skull and I felt desperately crazy as I turned my head to look up at him. He saw the change in me and his hands went around my waist, his body against mine. I heard the party continue behind us as I leaned up and kissed him. His hands tightened around my waist as he furthered the kiss. His tongue met mine and I tasted him as my hand made its way up behind his neck. I touched his hair, ran my fingers through it and moved my body against him. I could feel he was aroused against my bottom and I felt a fleeting moment of power.
There were cheers and laughter and our kiss broke apart. Tyler looked into my eyes, his own full of desire and he smiled in victory. He had finally got what he wanted.
“Go Tyler!” said someone as others laughed and continued to drink.
I didn’t say anything to him but awarded him with a small seductive smile, as I moved over to the drinks table. I poured myself a double shot of whiskey and gulped it down. I would try to move on tonight and see what happened. I didn’t know if my gaping, darkened heart would ever close up.
It wasn’t long before we were all in the ballroom downstairs, joining the the rest of our class friends. I danced that night and pretended to have fun with everyone, but I couldn’t help but feel a little hatred towards them all. I would never forget their treatment of me after the Antony fiasco, and I loathed their silly happiness. The reception room was beautiful and the food was nice, but I was just in a very bad place.
Tyler’s friend, Sam, who seemed to be getting pretty close with Sophie through the night, flashed a joint.
“Anyone interested?”
“I am,” I said instantly, following Sam out of the reception room.
I was soon dragging on his joint and sharing the night air with him.
Sam took a photo of us with our heads together, the joint hanging from his lips, while I pouted seductively into the camera, doing the devil sign with my hand.
When he posted it to Facebook a
nd tagged me, I hoped that Zac saw it. I turned and saw a group walk past us and they looked like they were going to see a band. I watched them for a moment, wishing I was on my way to see a band too, instead of the farce of the ball.
Would Zac be there tonight watching the same band? Would he be drinking with Will and Noah and picking up a girl? Would he take her home to have his wicked way with her? Pain thumped me in the chest.
I dragged on his joint again, enjoying the hot smoke in my lungs. I felt it take the tension away as it seeped into my limbs and made me tingle and relax.
I noticed another group walk by, obviously heading to watch the same band, and then I realized that one of the people looked familiar.
He looked at me, paused, and then smirked. Max.
“Beautiful Ava,” he said breaking away from the group.
I knew I needed to stay away from him, but I wanted to touch a part of Zac’s life again.
“Hey,” I said narrowing my eyes, hating the fact he was using my nickname that only the guys and Janey used.
“You’re looking hot,” he said glancing at me up and down.
“Who’s that?” asked Sam.
He sauntered over to me, his smirk still in place.
“So what’s going on tonight?” he asked taking a drag of his cigarette.
“Graduation Ball,” I replied feeling a form of adrenaline rush through me.
This guy was forbidden and I suddenly wanted him to go back to Zac and tell him just how good I was doing without him.
“Congrats on graduating. Is this the new boyfriend?”
I glanced at Sam, trying not to laugh, and said, “No.”
“So, no more Zac then,” he stated, eyeing me closely.
His eyes were glassy, like he was on something. When he looked me up and down again, it made my skin crawl.
“No more Zac,” I answered.
“Maybe we could meet up somewhere one night, and see what happens,” he said next.
I didn’t answer him, because I truly wanted nothing to do with him.
“He’s moved on, you know,” he said, watching my reaction. “A different girl every night. You’re all forgotten.”
I swallowed a lump of emotion and tried not to choke on it. “I’m sure I am,” I said, trying to look calm and controlled.
“Come with me now. We’re on our way to a club. Leave your little high school gathering,” he offered with wickedness in his eyes.
I blinked tears away, hating to hear that I was forgotten and shook my head.
“I better not.”
He gave me a smug smile.
“Next time, maybe.”
“See you, Max,” I muttered, turning away into Tyler who had appeared behind me.
“Who was that?” he asked, watching Max walk away.
“No one,” I muttered, feeling two months of anguish and hurt sit heavily on my chest.
He was moving on with a different girl every night and I felt like screaming.
Tyler led me back inside and we headed towards the ballroom before I stopped suddenly. I swallowed hard.
“Let’s go back up to the suite,” I whispered desperately.
He suddenly grinned and then we were walking over to the elevators as he pressed the call button impatiently. I moistened my lips and waited, not knowing if I was doing the right thing or not. But I was hurting and I needed to move on, too.
We stepped into the elevator and he quickly jabbed the button for his floor before he leaned in and kissed me softly, obviously aiming for seduction. I wanted to tell him that I was a done deal, and that I was going to sleep with him regardless of his seduction routine. I wouldn’t feel anything, but I wanted to do it, to purge Zac from me.
We fell into his room, his lips upon mine and he stopped to close the door and lock it. I was soon back in his arms and I started to undo his tie, flinging it across the room with his shirt soon following. I ran my hands over his chest, feeling the soft skin with tight muscle underneath. He was well-defined and obviously worked out, but there were no tattoos, no permanent insights to his life. I tried not to think about another chest, another body that had been burned into my memory and senses.
I continued to kiss him, pushing up against him and feeling him completely ready for me. I unzipped his slacks and then looked down, taking a silent breath. I couldn’t do this. I wanted Zac so much it hurt. Hurt like hell. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run away.
As if sensing my change, Tyler pulled my chin up to look at me.
“Are you okay?” he asked softly, his eyes showing his warmth and caring.
He wanted me so much, but he cared enough to stop to see if I was okay. I wasn’t. I never would be, ever again. I silenced any further questions with my lips, kissing him hungrily. I needed to forget and move on.
There was a sudden ringing and we sprung apart at the noise.
“What the hell is that?” he asked pulling his pants back up.
He went over to the door and opened it. We heard a loud alarm in the hallway and a robotic voice asking us to evacuate.
“Shit, there must be a fire or something,” he said running his hand through his hair. “Let’s go.”
I followed him back out where other guests were leaving their rooms and heading to the stairwell. Hotel workers were talking into walkie-talkies and directing us all out.
“What’s going on?” asked Tyler taking my hand.
“Fire alarm, sir, just this floor apparently. So, we’re evacuating to locate the problem. If it’s a false alarm, we will ensure that you will be quickly guided back to your suite.”
I numbly followed everyone downstairs, not feeling any panic like some of the other guests. Maybe I had to take it as a sign, that I was about to do something that I would regret. I made it out into the foyer with Tyler close behind me as my phone beeped. I pulled it from my bra and looked at the screen, my heart thumping as I saw the name. Will.
Will: Stay away from Max beautiful Ava…
News travelled fast. I wanted to answer him, wanted to talk to him. I missed them all like crazy. Will still cared about me.
“What’s happening?” asked Sophie coming over to me.
“Fire alarm,” I explained, still looking at Will’s text message.
She giggled as she leaned into me.
“So what were you two doing?”
I quickly closed the text message, so she couldn’t read it.
“Nothing.”
“Liar, your lipstick is missing,” she said with a laugh.
Her laugh grated on me and I looked over at Tyler. I didn’t want to be here.
Zac
I scanned through the five different screens in front of me as I typed in code quickly. One screen had the hotel plans, another had the hotel system up with all guest details. I typed more code and quickly shut off the fire alarm. Then I covered my tracks as I exited the system.
I knew where she was, and I knew what she was obviously going to do. The thought alone had crucified me. Pain had literally sliced me up from the inside. I couldn’t let her go, no matter how hard I tried.
I knew I couldn’t stop her from sleeping with Tyler, but I had hopefully put an end to it tonight. I went to shut down the screen that had the access to the hotel cameras and saw her again, amongst the commotion in the reception area.
She looked beautiful even through a black and white security camera. I ran my hand through my hair, pausing to take her in. She was walking outside with Tyler who was following closely behind her as she spoke to the porter. Tyler looked to be asking her to stay and she was saying goodbye as a taxi pulled up for her. He leaned in to kiss her goodnight and she returned the kiss for a moment before pulling away.
A new emotion reared up, to settle alongside my anger and jealousy. Satisfaction.
Ava
The next day I awoke to Sarah knocking on my door. I instantly felt disgusted seeing her happy face, and then I saw the roses in her hand.
“Delivery for you ju
st arrived,” she said with a smile as she placed them on the bed in front of me. “Are they from Tyler?” she excitedly asked.
I checked the note.
To Ava,
Can’t wait to see you again.
Love Tyler xx
I confirmed they were and she beamed at me as I looked at the perfect roses. I should have felt lucky that I had such a perfect guy who sent me roses, but I only felt numb.
“Want me to put them in a vase?” she asked chirpily.
“Whatever,” I mumbled, covering my head with the comforter.
“Can we get rid of these dead lilies now?” she asked next.
“No!” I said forcefully. “I’m keeping them.”
I waited for the bedroom door to shut and then looked over at the dead orange flowers that I couldn’t bear to throw away. They had shriveled up and turned brown, fitting for how they represented my heart.
A couple of nights later, I found myself doing continuous tequila shots with Tyler at a club. I licked the salt off his body and sucked on the lemon in his mouth. I knew he was enjoying the attention as he drank along with me.
I needed to get messy tonight, to forget for a couple of hours. With Tyler’s seductive words and touches, I felt sexy and wanted. I had my high boots on over my tight black leather pants. His eyes twinkled with lust as he watched me dance.
Sophie and Sam danced beside me, kissing each other hungrily. I turned away, still a little annoyed at her revelation earlier. She had told everyone that Zac had come on to her the night we had gone to see a band and she denied his advances because of her friendship with me. The thought of him going after her made me feel sick, but I didn’t know if she was telling the truth.
I had decided to clear the thought from my mind by drinking copious amounts of tequila, but it wasn’t working.
A song came on with a low beat and I moved my hips in time, as Tyler came up behind me, running his hands possessively over me. I wiggled my hips against him, teasing him as he leaned down and kissed my neck. I closed my eyes, hoping the tequila would have taken the edge off my unhappiness, but he was still there in my mind, never far away.