Green Fees - Tales of Barndem Country Club

by Brian Alford

  Once again the channel was dug only this time George accepted the assistance of several volunteers to enable the job to be completed in a single day. To belittle the rumours even Hal Carter leant what small help he could in his fragile state. He kept the diggers supplied with refreshment and made a general nuisance of himself in a self proclaimed supervisory role.

  Despite the worst efforts of Hal the channel was re-dug within a couple of hours. As the digging party stood back and surveyed their handiwork with pride, one by one their mouths opened and eyes widened in disbelief. Slowly the pristine channel began to fill with water which trickled mysteriously out of the ground. Within five minutes the channel was full and the green was effectively surrounded by a moat. A debate ensued amongst the irate diggers during which the relative merits of the new feature found adherents and detractors.

  Barndem members were not noted for welcoming change and many urged the immediate filling in of the channel.. However, a water filled channel surrounding the green certainly added to its charm and presented a far more challenging aspect to the hole. It would also serve its intended purpose of preventing the moles from burrowing under the green. Though no one could say with confidence, it was thought that moles were not good swimmers and would therefore find the channel a problem.

  Later that day a rapidly convened committee meeting decided to leave the channel as it was and allow time to judge its merits or otherwise. Unfortunately time rarely co-operates in such an obliging way. Two days later George was on his early morning course inspection when he reached the sixteenth green with its sparkling new feature. What lay before his eyes was enough to try even his tolerance towards the moles. In the middle of the green was a small conical mound of earth. A branch from a nearby oak lay across the channel and it was apparent that one of the moles had crossed onto the green.

  In a mixture of panic and annoyance George quickly repaired the damage and removed the obliging branch. Later the same day Lucy was playing a four ball against some guests from a nearby club and was taking great pride in describing their exploits concerning the mole menace. Approaching the sixteenth green Lucy squinted trying to make out what appeared to be strange formations on the green. At first she thought the neat piles were leaves from the nearby trees but as she neared it became apparent that the piles were the handiwork of a mole. Since George had removed its escape route the mole had become trapped within the watery boundary of the green and had desperately dug a myriad of holes in an attempt to find an alternate escape route. Lucy was far from amused, especially as she had proclaimed at great length to her opponents the success of their humane measure.

  So once again George was forced to resort to the deadly phosgene tablets to eliminate the luckless creature. It was found two days later lying face up in the actual hole itself. The sight of the poisoned creature so distressed the lady member who discovered it that she never went near the hole again. Though this did rather complicate her score card she was adamant in her avoidance of the scene of the slaughter.

  Following due consideration it was agreed that the irrigated channel had been a failure and the channel was drained and re-filled. Furthermore, George’s barrier plan was abandoned and he was instructed to revert back to the poisoning and trapping campaign during the active mole season.

  There did remain the question of how best to utilise what remained of the mole barrier fund. As instigator of the fund George was offered the money to dispose of on some pet project related to the course. Shortly after the offer, a strange enclosure appeared beyond the back of the eighteenth green. On being questioned George explained that it was a wormery in which he bred worms. Worms, he claimed, were good for the soil and he bred them to distribute round the course.

  Few Barndem members, if any, knew that worms were the food of the moles and that in fact George was farming the worms for the creatures to eat. But George knew that a fully fed mole was a passive mole. Strategic placement of the worms proved highly successful in controlling their movement. In this way, George had achieved the formidable and near impossible task of peaceful co-existence with the moles and the Barndem members.

  17

  Just a Little Rain

  Grass is the most abundant plant in the world. It grows anywhere and everywhere from swamps and marshes where little else can survive in the stagnant, lifeless water to deserts where all other plant life shrivels and dies through lack of water. Proof of its abundance comes every year when hay fever sufferers reach for boxes of paper handkerchiefs and proceed to blow their way through vast tracts of woodland. By far the majority of pollen in the air is from grass for though it may not appear so, grass flowers profusely and over a long period.

  Grass grows in an almost infinite number of varieties of shapes, sizes, textures, and colours and it has adapted to all types of environments. Some grass even grows in the sea. It survives in the salty water by not absorbing water through its roots but by industriously extracting moisture from the air instead. Grass is the staple diet of a large number of animals but they must work hard to obtain sustenance from the flimsy growth. The humble cow is obliged to spend virtually every waking minute slowly grinding grass between its large flat molar teeth and its immense stomach is a fermentation chamber that puts most breweries to shame. A brewery produces alcohol, a comparatively simple organic substance. The cows brewery produces highly complex and life giving milk from simple grass though some of the by-products of the miracle of bovine fermentation are a little less pleasurable.

  But as every self respecting golfer knows, grass was created for one reason, to play golf. Grass is the ideal medium for the game. It is soft and yielding to allow the club to slide under the ball. It is self replenishing and so can repair the damage caused by the trample of feet and the divot hacking clubs. Nature has even seen fit to make grass a conveniently contrasting colour to the white ball thus enabling the ball to stand out and be easily located. This assumes of course that the ball lands on the closely mown fairway. A ball landing in the rough is a totally different matter. Here the long grass hides the ball making location difficult, and when found making the shot difficult to play. A club thrashed angrily through long grass receives an equally angry response from the grass as it tries to tangle and snag the club face. The resulting often unpredictable shot is how the grass takes revenge for the rude intrusion.

  But simple as it may appear grass is a mystery and contrary in the extreme It will grow in the hot, dry and infertile cracks of the tarmacadam car park at Barndem and yet when set in the cosseted, cosy and purpose built environment of the golf course grass displays a cussed and fickle nature, growing only with great reluctance. Perhaps grass resents the attention. Perhaps it needs a tough environment in which to survive. For grass is a great survivor. If a grazing animal chews grass down to its base then it will re-sprout many times over. Grass benefits positively from grazing whether by animal or mechanical cutters. In the world of survival grass likes to play rough.

  Throughout its history Barndem ran a fine line between survival and death of the hallowed grass. Without doubt the grass was healthier and lusher when livestock were allowed to roam the course. Their grazing kept the grass short and their copious waste products fed and watered it. In more recent times more fastidious Barndem golfers objected to finding their balls buried in little foul smelling heaps and the animals were evicted from their ancestral habitat. With them also went colourful ancient bye-laws relating to rolling the ball clear of casual noxious deposits and to cleansing the ball of noxious adherents. Gone also was the need for the skill and deftness of touch necessary to coax a ball out of a deep hoof print or to steer a ball round a herd of cows without hitting one of the unfortunate creatures.

  Reliance on chemicals to feed the grass and destroy the weeds resulted in turf which was weak and much more susceptible to the vagaries of the weather. Whereas once the deep rooted and well nourished grass could survive drought conditions, its cosseted descendant shrivelled and died unless copious quantities of
water were applied regularly. At first there was little difficulty in obtaining adequate water supplies from the mesh of streams and irrigation ditches that crisscrossed the Barndem estate. Indeed regular flooding of the lower part of the course ensured that the grass was always well watered. But the over zealous artesian well extraction activities of the local water company had lowered the level of the water table in the area such that many of the Barndem streams dried up during the summer. In the worst of seasons all the streams dried up with the notable exception of the tainted Lovers Brook which obtained its water supply from mystical sources the water company could not reach.

  It therefore became necessary to consider the installation of some form of mechanised watering. But that cost money and then there was the considerable on-going cost of the actual water which the local water company charged by the gallon for commercial enterprises. It was a perverted form of piracy. The water company was selling to Barndem the water they were stealing from the streams that should have naturally watered the course. Not only that, they were taking com­paratively pure water and polluting it with chemicals in the name of hygiene. Grass has no fear of bacteria in water and certainly does not have teeth to benefit from fluoridation.

  Water was essential but Barndem had to compromise on cost. A few stand pipes were installed at various places round the course to enable the most exposed greens to be watered. Given the prohibitive cost of and effort involved in relaying a green that had died through drought, the expense of this cut-price irrigation system was justified. As for the rest of the course, that was left to take its chances and the grass somehow managed to survive. The problem was that the quality of the grass had been slowly degenerating for many years. Only the toughest and least suitable grass survived and the constant mowing did not allow the grass the chance to re-seed itself.

  The influx of Japanese money was to change all that. It meant that a decent watering system could be installed to quench the thirsty grass during the frequent droughts which blighted the course. These droughts were a combination of long warm periods without rain and the drying winds which blew constantly across the exposed course. At one time Barndem was predominently forest and the wind presented no problems. But over the centuries the forest had been felled for timber and all that remained were a few old oaks and towering old beech. These were for aesthetic and architectural reasons as they provided interest to the course. There were too few trees to present any real opposition to the wind and even these last vestiges of resistance were dying.

  One by one the great limbs of the trees were braking off presenting a dangerous hazard to any golfer who strayed under them. The damage was mainly the handiwork of the many squirrels that had taken up residence in the trees. Starved of the diminishing forest the squirrels had invaded the course and found a pleasantly safe haven in the ancient trees. In this sanctuary the creatures had multiplied profusely and wrought destruction on the trees. However much they were culled they seemed to increase in numbers, an increase which was reflected in the accelerating decline of the old trees.

  But the squirrels were not entirely to blame for the poor state of the trees. Drought played its part. In drought conditions trees withdraw into themselves and tend to shed some of the branches in an effort to survive. The fewer the branches the fewer the number of leaves and the less water the tree needs. Thus a destructive cycle was set up, as the resistance of the trees to the drying winds decreased.

  It was the observation of this depressing self destruction that had prompted the Barndem committee to search for a new source of cash. Past traumatic experiences had ruled out an extension to the debenture scheme and asking the members for more money was a political non-starter. Barndem’s legendary luck continued when the golf fanatic Mr Soyoung approached the club to negotiate playing facilities for himself and some of his employees. His company had recently set up a new factory in the area and as part of the corporate caring image recreational facilities were to be provided for all workers. As an avid enthusiast Soyoung had immediately looked to golf to supply the recreation.

  During negotiations between the Barndem committee and Soyoung the need for a watering system had been mentioned and Soyoung had eagerly volunteered both to fund and organise the installation of a system himself. It was with immense relief that the committee agreed to his proposals though acceptance by the membership was not so enthusiastic. The farcical vote at the special general meeting did not help matters but by hook and crook the vote was carried and a jubilant Soyoung given the nod to proceed.

  Work on the installation of the new watering scheme progressed swiftly. It was not so much Japanese efficiency as the tyrannical pressing of Soyoung. Eager to complete the work and start playing he drove the contractors hard day and night. Soyoung insisted that the much of the work was carried out at night to avoid disrupting the course and frequently when darkness had fallen on the course, Barndem members could observe the eerie sight of a distant ring of lights and a bustle of activity. It was as if some extraterrestrial spaceship had landed and the aliens were busy making repairs. Credence was added to this vision by the strange accents of the workers and the manic shouting of Soyoung in his high pitched voice.

  Soyoung had called upon the services of a friend in an electronics company to devise a completely automated watering system. It was to be computer controlled to enable the sprinklers to be turned on and off at programmed times for controlled intervals. Using state of the art electronic wizardry the system was effectively self managing. Sensors on the greens could detect when the greens were too dry and also when sufficient water had been applied. Water flow monitors could determine exactly how long a sprinkler needed to operate to deliver precisely the amount of water required. So clever was the system that if it detected rain or moisture in the air it would not turn the sprinklers on. To ensure the security and integrity of the system it was locked in a new purpose built building and operated by a remote control which the green keeper could carry on his person. In a single bound Barndem was leaping into the twentieth century.

  When the work was complete a formal handing over ceremony was arranged at which Wingco and the two captains Chris and Lucy were to accept the system on behalf of Barndem. On the appointed day the group gathered on the first tee. As this afforded a panoramic view of large areas of the course it was deemed a suitable place from which to observe the new system in operation. Soyoung handed Wingco the switch and bowed deeply. Cautiously and with some trepidation, Wingco turned the switch. Surveying the course the group watched as one by one the sprinkler heads popped up and began to spray water onto the greens and surrounding areas. It was an impressive sight and Soyoung beamed with pride. Equally impressive was the speed with which in perfect unison the sprinkler heads popped down again and the watering ceased.

  Soyoung muttered an oath, grabbed the switch from Wingco and wrenched it back and forth in anger. The sprinkler heads began to pop up and down quickly and randomly all over the course. Seeing the distressed state of Soyoung, Wingco, Chris and Lucy decided that a discrete withdrawal was in order. For the rest of the day they watched with growing unease from the clubhouse lounge as Soyoung raced around the course barking orders at frantic workers. Commendable though their industry may have been, it meant that the course was unplayable due to the presence of the panicking bodies. The possibility of a sudden soaking from a sprinkler head also detracted from the appeal of the course. Though it had been agreed that a watering system was necessary and an asset the awful fracas that was being perpetrated on their beloved course was difficult for the watching trio to tolerate.

  Finally, several days later, the teething problems appeared to have been sorted out and the sprinkler system received its certificates of approval from the water company and local authority. The water company were particularly pleased with the system since it meant they would be able to sell even more of the water they had pirated from Barndem. And the more Barndem flooded the course the more water fed back into the underground streams for the
water company to extract. It seemed an extremely satisfactory arrangement.

  Thankfully the system enjoyed a period of smooth operation and the effects on the grass were spectacular. So much so that the green keeper seemed to be permanently fixed to the seat of his tractor mowing the rampant growth. During the hot summer months he was accustomed to taking a small sabbatical but with the rapid growth of the grass that had changed. It was believed that he appreciated the change but no-one dared ask the grumpy man. Periods of peace and trouble-free operations never lasted long at Barndem and sure enough the new watering system was about to break the calm.

  It was the third week of August and time for the annual Barndem Challenge match. This was a legacy from the past when the founders of Barndem took on the estate workers. It was seen as a magnanimous gesture during a period when the estate workers were at their busiest with the harvest. But there was without doubt an unspoken and more sinister reason, a desire to put the workers in their place. It was a sham demonstration of superiority by the Barndem owners, a reinforcement of the master slave relationship.

  Traditionally the Barndem team was always debenture holders and the match always took place on a Friday morning. These constraints were set in the days when debenture holders were gentlemen of leisure. In more recent times the number of Barndem members available for the match had diminished and it usually came down to latter day gentlemen of leisure such as Henry, Bill, Bob and Vic. Over time the match had taken on a different significance and had become a match between Barndem and local dignitaries. It was the only day in the calender when the portals of Barndem opened to the public, or rather a carefully selected group of the public. It was a day for posturing and condescension.