Bite Me dh-3

by Mike Faricy

  “Okay.”

  “It’s sitting right here in the front entry. Can you be here tomorrow morning?”

  “I could be over there tonight if you want,” I was thinking positive, maybe painting with benefits.

  “No.” She sounded awfully definite.

  “Tomorrow morning?”

  “Yeah, look I got a ten o’clock so be here around nine-fifteen, okay?” It wasn’t really a question.

  “Yeah, nine-fifteen.” What the hell, I had a lot to think about and could do it while I painted.

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  I suppose there is something to be said for attacking a simple task, uninterrupted, work away, just letting one’s mind percolate. I was of the impression I could have achieved the same result staring out my office window or maybe sipping a beer. Nonetheless, I reported to Heidi’s. Her Mercedes was parked out on the street. I parked behind it and rang the doorbell promptly at nine-thirty.

  “Where the hell have you been, I told you I had an appointment this morning?”

  She was dressed in a matching pink t-shirt and tight, pink shorts, with a white belt. She wore white sandals with little jewel things on them. She carried a straw purse large enough to hide a small child inside.

  “Since when do you go to client meetings dressed like that? You going to the beach or something?”

  “I didn’t say it was a client meeting.”

  “Oh, what are we up to?”

  “None of your business. The paint’s in my bedroom, I’ll expect it finished and cleaned up by the end of the day. I’m entertaining tonight, so I’ll need you out of here by six.”

  Heidi ripped through male partners like a chainsaw. I was her long standing fall-back position and sometime counselor when it came to the finer points of relationships, which was a frightening thought in itself.

  “Anyone I know?”

  “No.”

  “Who is he?”

  “I told you, none of your business,” she said strutting down her front walk and climbing into her car.

  I stood at the door watching, she climbed back out of the car, yelled at me over the rooftop. “I’m not kidding, Dev, I need you out of here by six, no later.” She jumped in her car and raced off before I could give any sort of a wise guy answer.

  The place was gleaming it was so clean. I checked her refrigerator, usually empty, but today it held a number of white carry-out food containers. The largest container held a heat and serve meal, some kind of chicken thing with sauce and peppers, another box was crammed with salad greens. There was a bake and serve loaf of french bread and some kind of fruit and chocolate desert deal. Four bottles of white wine were chilling on the bottom shelf. The dining room table was set for two, silver candle holders with red candles were placed on the table, fresh cut flowers on the cabinet. Whoever the lucky guy was, I hoped he had rested up.

  Later in the afternoon I was actually ahead of schedule and about halfway through the second coat. I had the window open, airing out what little fumes there were. The phone rang, not my cell but the pay-as-you-go. I let it ring three times, then hit the accept key, I didn’t say anything, just listened. It was quiet on the other end, except for some faint breathing. It sounded feminine, which sounds kind of crazy and that made me think, Kiki.

  I remained quiet for the better part of two minutes, straining my ears. All I heard was the breathing. I don’t think it was intentional, not heavy or rasping, not trying to intimidate me or anything, just breathing. Then from somewhere in the distant background, I heard a car honk, just a couple of beeps, whoever it was hung up. I put the phone down and thought for a few minutes.

  It could have been the U of M. Or the police, if they’d found Doctor Death. Either one might be calling in response to the bogus Wells Fargo message I’d left on his line. It could have been Farrell, I doubted it. My money was on Kiki. Whoever it was, I did know one thing, I’d been stupid to hang onto the pay-as-you-go phone and I was going to get rid of it on my way home, tonight. I got back to the business at hand, hustled and finished painting in forty-five minutes. I was just wrestling Heidi’s gigantic antique wardrobe back against the wall when I heard the kitchen door open.

  “Dev, you still here?” she called. I heard the rustle of shopping bags coming from the kitchen.

  “In here, just putting things back together.”

  She appeared at the doorway and I took it all in. Her hair looked gorgeous, her nails were done, she had a new pedicure and she was nicely tanned.

  “You look great, were you out in the sun?”

  “No dopey, spray on, you don’t have tan lines this way.”

  “You get that done before or after your wax?”

  “Be… shut up, you pervert.”

  “Just checking, who’s the victim?”

  “The room looks great,” she said ignoring my question. “How soon can you be out of here?” She stepped into the room, took off her earrings, placed them on her dresser, then kicked off her sandals. She unbuckled the white belt on her shorts and started to walk out of the room.

  “Don’t mind me, I’d be happy to check out that all over tan for you?”

  “Interesting offer, but umm, no thanks. I want you out of here so I can get ready,” she called from the kitchen.

  I checked my watch, it was twenty minutes before five, I was almost an hour and a half ahead of schedule.

  “I’ve got a little time, I could wash your back in the shower for you, if you like?”

  “No, I don’t like.” she said coming back into the room, she carried three or four shopping bags. One I recognized, bright pink, Victoria’s Secret. “How soon before you leave?” she asked.

  “Hey, I can be lots of fun. Date underwear?” I nodded at the Victoria Secret’s bag.

  “You are still on double secret probation with me, so please get out. Come on, Dev, get going, please. I’ve got a really big night planned.”

  “Okay, okay, just let me carry this stuff to the basement…”

  “Just leave it, I’ll take care of it and straighten up. Thanks, room looks great,” she said, moving her arms as if to shoo me out the bedroom door.

  “My loss,” I said, gave her a peck on the check. I looked wistfully at the Victoria’s Secret bag then headed toward the front door.

  She followed me, like she was herding sheep, just to make sure I left. “Thanks,” she said as she closed the front door behind me, then snapped the lock while I was still standing on the front porch.

  My monitor call came through about eight-forty that evening. I spent the rest of the night running through the cable channels, over a hundred options and not a damn thing that interested me.

  Chapter Forty-Eight

  I was still wrapped in bed sheets when my phone woke me a little before six-thirty the following morning. This was getting ridiculous. I listened for the monitor message.

  “You asshole!” That didn’t really narrow things down much, except it was a woman screaming. That still didn’t narrow things down.

  “Hunh?”

  “Oh shut up, you knew what would happen.”

  “Mom?”

  “Shut up. You figured out a way to ruin my night, didn’t you?”

  “Heidi, Jesus calm down. What the hell time is it?”

  “A lot later than when you’re stupid call came through, fuckwit.”

  “What are you screaming about? God can you just tone it down for a minute and tell me what happened?” I was still half asleep.

  “What happened? You hid that stupid little phone under my bed, then had one of your fake boob, slutty, stripper girlfriends call, didn’t you?”

  “I honestly don’t know what in the hell you’re talking about.”

  “Oh really? This isn’t yours? A navy blue and shinny…”

  Shit, my pay-as-you-go phone.

  “… some drunk slut called and then just sat there breathing not saying a fucking thing.”

  “That’s my phone, but I didn’t leave it there o
n purpose, honest. In fact I’d planned to get rid of the thing.”

  “Well, not to worry, I’m gonna smash it. Course it serves you right, by the third time she called I let her have it.”

  My mind was spinning so fast with questions I didn’t know which one to ask first.

  “She got the message,” Heidi snarled.

  I had no doubt.

  “What did you, no wait, Heidi, back up and tell me from the start what happened.”

  “What do you think happened? The first call came through a little after one, right in the middle, it interrupted us, totally ruined the moment.”

  “Sorry.”

  “I got things back on track after about twenty minutes then the second call came in. I…”

  “Did you say anything?”

  “You mean like hello? Like a normal person would? Yes,” she said, she was calming a little, I think.

  “Then what?”

  “Whoever she was on the other end, the stupid cow still didn’t say a fucking thing, but I could hear her breathing. So I just hung up.”

  “How do you know it was a her?”

  “What, you going both ways all of a sudden, having guys call you in the middle of the night?”

  “No, of course not, but why do you think it was a woman?”

  “I just know, Dev, okay. Anyway, now I’ve got to do some heavy duty explaining. Idiot Robbie thinks it might be a boyfriend or something and…”

  “Robbie?”

  “That’s who I was with.”

  “Was he over eighteen?”

  “Not funny, and stop interrupting, it’s none of your damn business, anyway. So I’m trying to get him calmed down, explain the phone belonged to you, you’d been working here during the day, the God damn thing rings again and I go ballistic.”

  I’ve been on the receiving end of Heidi going ballistic, it’s not a fun place to be.

  “I pick up the phone and just let the bitch have it. I screamed, he’s not here bitch, Dev Haskell isn’t here, but before he left I fucked out what little brains he had. Then she hangs up, so there you go, you’ll probably have a lot of explaining to do. I can only hope.”

  So much for subtle.

  “You okay?” I asked, it was more rhetorical than anything else. If it was Kiki, she’d gotten whatever confirmation she may have wanted. If it was the cops, they probably had my house surrounded.

  “Yeah, I guess, sort of.”

  “I’m sorry Heidi, I didn’t do it on purpose. You know I hadn’t finished cleaning up, and you whisked me out of there so damn fast. I guess I just left the thing laying around. I didn’t mean to, honest.”

  “So who is she?”

  I ignored her question, playing for time.

  “How did Robbie take it, did he get back in the saddle?”

  “Very funny, not. No, as a matter of fact he got dressed and got back in his car.”

  Probably had an eight o’clock class wherever he went to high school, but I kept that thought to myself.

  “Oh, I’m really sorry, Heidi, really I am.” Served her right I thought, what a bitchy thing to do, still…

  “Ahhh, he wasn’t that great.”

  “Make it up to you?” I asked.

  “Not today, I’m still really pissed off at you. You mean it though you really didn’t leave it under my bed on purpose?”

  “No, believe me, it’s a long story. I was planning to get rid of the thing, and just completely forgot about it when you shoved me out the door.”

  “Well there you go, that leaves two of us unsatisfied. Hey, I gotta run, client meeting later this morning.”

  “Wait, can I get that phone back from you?”

  “I’ll leave the damn thing inside my back door. But I’m warning you, if it’s there by the time I get back home, I’m trashing it, got it?”

  “Yeah, got it.”

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  I picked up the phone at Heidi’s back door a little after nine. I’d just gotten back into my car when the monitor call came through. I responded, then drove to the office. The same three coeds were waiting for the bus, they looked half asleep and no more fun than the last time I saw them. It was too late in the morning to leer at the girls going to work.

  I scrolled through the incoming calls on the pay-as-you-go phone. All four were identified as caller unknown. I had to get rid of this thing, permanently. It took me about five minutes before I figured out how to open the damn thing up. I took out the battery, then removed the SIM card and cut it in half with a pair of pliers. I kept the two sections of the phone separate.

  I drove across the High Bridge, tossed half the phone into the Mississippi river from the city side of the bridge, tossed the other half into the water on the far side. I dropped the battery into a trash can up by the St. Paul Cathedral. Then tossed half the SIM card down a sewer on Selby Avenue, the other half I flushed down the men’s room toilet in Milton Mall. Then I drove back to my office and stared out the window for the rest of the day.

  On the way home I drove past KRAZ. Farrell’s BMW was parked close to the front door. I pulled into the parking lot and tuned my radio to seven-forty and waited a couple of minutes until five-thirty when Farrell’s ‘Voice of Freedom’ or ‘Pilgrims Rights’ or whatever they called their broadcast polluted the air waves.

  It was just as bad as I remembered. Part way through his rant Farrell got caught up in a coughing jag that burned up a good half minute, it was the highlight of the broadcast. He continued on, unfazed, droning along in close to a monotone. Not that it mattered, who could stand to listen?

  I twiddled my thumbs for another twenty minutes after the broadcast, finally, afraid I was really pushing my luck if I remained, I left. I grabbed a couple of necessities at the grocery store on the way home, frozen pizzas, lime Dorito chips and a box of Snickers ice cream bars. I came in the front door and when I went to close it behind me I noticed something silky hanging from the inside door knob, in the pattern of an American flag, a thong. I didn’t put it there. A list of names ran through my mind, a short list. Very short.

  I phoned Heidi from my front entry.

  “Hello.”

  “Pretty funny, look, I said I was sorry.”

  “Not sorry enough, and I still fail to see the humor.” She still sounded pissed. “You didn’t just ruin the moment, you ruined the night. By the way, you missed a spot in my bedroom, by one of the outlets.”

  “I’ll take care of it. No, I’m calling because of what you left for me, at my place.”

  “Left for you?”

  “Very funny. Yeah, today, when I came home, I just got it.”

  “You’re sounding more obtuse than usual, what in the hell are you babbling about?”

  “Please tell me you were inside my place today.”

  “No can do, Dev. Your place, you kidding? I’m just coming out of an all day meeting, on the way to my car. Your place? I don’t have time to screw around like that. What are you talking about?”

  “Look Heidi, I’ll paint your entire house, don’t play games with me, this is really serious, so give me a straight answer. Did you leave something inside my front door today?”

  “No, I didn’t, I already told you, I’ve been in a client meeting the whole damned day. Honest to God, my head’s killing me, if I have to smile and nod at another stupid suggestion one more time I’m going to explode.”

  “You didn’t leave a thong on my door knob? Looks like an American flag.”

  “A thong? Like a flag? Not really my style. You’re not dating that Marine Corp chick again are you? Wasn’t she the one who threatened to shoot you if you ever tried to contact her again?”

  “That’s beside the point and anyway, I’m not seeing her, in fact I haven’t seen her in at least a year.”

  “Look, no offense, but you’re sounding kind of crazy. For what it’s worth, I wasn’t slumming in your neighborhood today, okay. And you are still on my shit list, bye.” Click.

  I could think
of three other women who had keys to my place. The first two hung up on me when I called. The third one explained, in rational tones, that the only thing she would think of bringing over was her boyfriend to beat me up. I put them all in the ‘unlikely’ column. Heidi was still my best bet, and I believed her when she told me she’d been in meetings all day. That left a frightening thought.

  I decided to call an old friend named Felix Alkers. He was a locksmith and owned a little one-man-shop called Prevention Installations. I’d met him a few years back while we were both waiting to testify in a case that ended up settling at the last minute. We’d sent one another the odd bit of business since then. I left a message on his phone, everyone who called had to do that, Felix never answered. He phoned me back about ten minutes later. I was in the process of walking around the first floor, making sure all the windows were locked.

  “Haskell Investigations.”

  “Prevention Installations returning your call, is this Dev?”

  “It is, Felix, good to hear your voice.”

  “Likewise. What can I do for you?”

  “The usual, need a new set of locks for a front and back door. Nothing too special, Schlage will work, that’s what’s in there now.”

  “Okay, when do you want this done? I could maybe get to it in the next forty-eight hours, that work for you?” he asked.

  “Actually Felix, I was hoping you might be able to do it tonight.”

  “Tonight? This your place?”

  “Yeah, I…”

  “You’re not having trouble again with some woman, are you?”

  “Well, let’s just say…”

  “Save it. I’ll have to charge you time and half, Dev. Plus cost of the hardware, I’ll give you a discount, won’t put a mark up on materials. I’m looking up your account as we speak, yeah here it is, did ‘em both about two years ago for you. Well,” he chuckled. “At least, you seem to be moving up the food chain, time before that I think it had only been about ten months before you had to have ‘em changed.”

  “You can make it over here tonight?”

  “Yeah, let me check at the shop. I think I got replacement sets on hand, I should be there in an hour, hour-and-a-half, tops.”