Plum Boxed Set 1, Books 1-3 Stephanie Plum Novels)

by Janet Evanovich

He gave a grunt and flicked me away like I was lint. I rolled back and grabbed hold of his pants leg.

  “Help!” I yelled. “HELLLLLLP!”

  Morley hauled me up by my armpits and held me at eye level, my feet at least nine inches off the ground. “Dumb white bitch,” he said, giving me a couple vicious shakes that snapped my head back.

  “F-f-fugitive apprehension agent,” I said. “Y-y-you’re under arrest.”

  “Nobody’s arresting Morley,” he said. “I’ll kill anyone who tries.”

  I flailed my arms and swung my legs, and my toe mysteriously connected with Morley’s knee.

  “Ouch,” Morley yelled.

  His big ham hands released me, and he buckled over. I staggered back a couple feet when I hit the ground, knocking into Ranger.

  “Hey, big boy?” Ranger said.

  “I thought it might distract him.”

  Morley was curled into a fetal position doing shallow breathing, holding his knee. “She broke my knee,” he said on a gasp. “She broke my fucking knee.”

  “Think it was your boot that distracted him,” Ranger said.

  A happy accident.

  “So if you were standing there the whole time, why didn’t you help me?”

  “Didn’t look like you needed any help, babe. Why don’t you run around and get the car while I baby-sit Mr. Morley. He’s going to be slow walking.”

  It was almost ten when Ranger brought me back to my parents’ house on High Street. Poochie, Mrs. Crandle’s two-hundred-year-old toy poodle, was sitting on the porch across the street, conjuring up one last tinkle before he called it a night. The lights were off next door in Mrs. Ciak’s house. Early to bed, early to rise, made old Mrs. Ciak wise. My mother and grandmother obviously didn’t feel like they needed any help from a few extra winks, because they were standing with their noses pressed to the glass pane in the storm door, squinting into the darkness at me.

  “Probably been standing there since you left,” Ranger said.

  “My sister is normal,” I said. “Always has been.”

  Ranger nodded. “Makes it all the more confusing.”

  I waved good-bye to Ranger and headed for the porch.

  “There’s still some butterscotch pudding left,” my mother said when I opened the door.

  “Did you shoot anyone?” Grandma wanted to know. “Was there a big to-do?”

  “There was a little to-do,” I told her. “And we didn’t shoot anyone. We almost never shoot people.”

  My father leaned forward in his chair in the living room. “What’s this about shooting?”

  “Stephanie didn’t shoot anyone today,” my mother said.

  My father stared at us all for a moment, looking like he might be contemplating the advantages of a six-month tour on an aircraft carrier, and then he returned his attention to the TV.

  “I can’t stay,” I said to my mother. “I just stopped in so you could see everything was okay.”

  “Okay?” my mother shouted. “You go out in the middle of the night, chasing criminals! How could that possibly be okay? And look at you! What happened to your pants? Your pants have a big hole in them!”

  “I tripped.”

  My mother pressed her lips together. “So do you want pudding, or not?”

  “Of course I want pudding.”

  I opened my eyes to a perfectly black room, and the skin-crawling feeling that I wasn’t alone. I had no basis in fact for the feeling. I’d been dragged from sleep by some deep intuition. Possibly the intuition had been triggered by the rustle of clothing or a sweep of air. My heart knocked against my ribs as I waited for movement, for the scent of another person’s sweat, for a sign that my fears were true.

  I scanned the room but found only familiar shapes. The digital readout on my clock said five-thirty. My eyes cut to my dresser at the sound of a drawer slamming shut, and finally I picked out the intruder.

  A pair of sweats sailed through the air and hit me in the head.

  “If we’re going to work together, you’ve got to get into shape,” the intruder said.

  “Ranger?”

  “I made you some tea. It’s on your nightstand.”

  I switched the light on. Sure enough, there was a cup of tea steaming on my nightstand. So much for the illusion of Stephanie Plum, keen-sensed bounty hunter.

  “I hate tea,” I said, sniffing at the noxious brew. I took a sip. YUK! “What is this?”

  “Ginseng.”

  “It’s weird. It tastes awful.”

  “Good for your circulation,” Ranger said. “Helps oxygenate.”

  “What are you doing in my bedroom?” Ordinarily I’d be curious as to the mode of entry. With Ranger it was a pointless question. Ranger had ways.

  “I’m trying to get you out of bed,” Ranger said. “It’s late.”

  “It’s five-thirty!”

  “I’ll be in the living room warming up.”

  I watched his back disappear through the bedroom door. Was he serious? Warm up for what? I pulled the sweats on and padded out to him. He was doing one-armed push-ups.

  “We’ll start out with fifty,” he said.

  I got down on the floor and made an attempt at a push-up. After about five minutes Ranger was finished, and I’d almost done one.

  “Okay,” Ranger said, jogging in place. “Let’s hit the streets.”

  “I want breakfast.”

  “We’ll do a fast five-mile run, and then we’ll come back for breakfast.”

  A five-mile run? Was he nuts? It was five-thirty in the morning. It was dark out. It was cold. I peeked out the window. It was fucking snowing!

  “Great,” I said. “Piece of cake.”

  I zipped myself into a down ski jacket, filled the pockets with tissues and lip balm, pulled on a knit cap, wrapped a scarf around my neck, stuffed my hands into big wool mittens and followed Ranger down the stairs.

  Ranger ran effortlessly for several blocks. His stride was steady and measured. His attention directed inward. I struggled beside him…nose running, breathing labored, attention directed to surviving the next moment.

  We slipped through the gate to the playing field behind the high school and swung onto the track. I dropped back to a walk and applied some lip balm. Ranger lapped me, and I picked it up to a jog. Ranger lapped me a few more times, and then he nudged me off the track, back through the gate to the street.

  The sun wasn’t yet on the horizon, but the sky had begun to lighten under the snow and the cloud cover. I could see the sheen on Ranger’s face, see the sweat soaking through his shirt. His face still bore the same meditative expression. His breathing was even once again, now that he had slowed his pace to mine.

  We ran in silence back to my apartment, entering the front door, jogging through the lobby. He took the stairs, and I took the elevator.

  He was waiting for me when the doors opened.

  “I thought you were behind me,” he said.

  “I was. Way behind.”

  “It’s all in the attitude,” Ranger said. “You want to be tough, you have to live healthy.”

  “To begin with, I don’t want to be tough. I want to be…adequate.”

  Ranger stripped off his sweatshirt. “Adequate is being able to run five miles. How are you going to catch the bad guys if you can’t outrun them?”

  “Connie gives the bad guys who can run to you. I get the fat, out-of-shape bad guys.”

  Ranger took a bag out of my refrigerator and dumped a load of stuff from the bag into my blender. He flipped the blender switch and the stuff in the jar turned pink.

  “What are you making?” I wanted to know.

  “A smoothie.” He poured half the smoothie into a big glass and handed it to me.

  I took a sip. Not bad. If it was in a much smaller glass and sitting alongside a huge stack of hotcakes drenched in maple syrup, it would be just about tolerable.

  “It needs something,” I said. “It needs…chocolate.”

  Ranger dran
k the remaining smoothie. “I’m going home to take a shower and make some phone calls. I’ll be back in an hour.”

  To celebrate our partnership I dressed up like Ranger. Black boots, black jeans, black turtleneck, small silver hoop earrings.

  He gave me the once-over when I opened the door to him.

  “Smart ass,” he said.

  I sent him what I hoped was an enigmatic smile.

  He was wearing a black leather jacket with fringe running the length of each sleeve. Little blue and black beads were hooked three-quarters down the fringe.

  I didn’t have any fringe on my black leather jacket. And I didn’t have any beads. I had more zippers than Ranger, so I guess it all evened out. I slipped the jacket on and clapped a black Metallica ball cap over my freshly washed hair.

  “Now what?” I asked.

  “Now we look for Mo.”

  It was still snowing, but it was cozy in Ranger’s Bronco. We cruised the streets, looking for the Batmobile in parking lots and middle-class neighborhoods. At my suggestion we visited some photo stores. Two of the merchants said they recognized Mo but hadn’t seen him lately. The snow was still coming down, and traffic was crawling around cars that couldn’t make grades.

  “Mo’s not going to be out in this,” Ranger said. “We might as well close up shop for the day.”

  I wasn’t going to argue. It was lunchtime. I was starving, and I didn’t want to graze on sprouts and bean curd.

  Ranger dropped me at the front door to my building and motored off in four-wheel drive. I took the stairs two at a time, practically ran down the hall and unlocked my door. Everything was quiet and peaceful inside. Rex was sleeping. The refrigerator hummed softly. The snow clacked on the windows. I kicked my shoes off, shuffled out of the black jeans and carted an armload of food into my bedroom. I switched the television on and crawled into bed with the channel changer.

  Do I know how to have a good time, or what?

  At six-thirty I was coming off a two-hour MTV stint and was approaching a vegetative state. I was trying to choose between a Turner classic and the news when a thought straggled into the front of my brain.

  Mo had a lawyer.

  Since when? The paperwork I’d been given said he’d waived an attorney. The only one I could think to ask was Joe Morelli.

  “Yeah?” Morelli said when he answered the phone.

  Just yeah. No hello. “You have a bad day?”

  “I didn’t have a good day.”

  “Do you know who Mo is using for a lawyer?”

  “Mo waived counsel.”

  “I ran into him, and he said he had a lawyer.”

  There was a pause at the other end. “You ran into Mo?”

  “He was at the candy store.”

  “And?”

  “And he got away.”

  “I hear they’re hiring at the button factory.”

  “At least I know he has a lawyer. That’s more than you know.”

  “You got me there,” Morelli said. “I’ll check with the court tomorrow, but to the best of my knowledge, we haven’t been informed of counsel.”

  A new question to add to the list. Why would Mo get a lawyer? Mo would get a lawyer if he was thinking of turning himself in. Probably there were other reasons, too, but I couldn’t think of them.

  I went to the window and peered outside. It had stopped snowing, and the streets looked cleared. I paced in my bedroom. I paced in my living room. I went to the dining room table and wrote, “Mo gets a lawyer,” on the steno pad. Then I wrote, “Three people think they might have seen Mo on Montgomery Street.”

  I drew a big round head and filled it with question marks. It was my head.

  I did some more pacing. Montgomery Street nagged at me. Hell, I thought, I’ll take a ride over there. I haven’t got anything else to do.

  I got dressed and plowed through the night in the Buick. I parked on Montgomery in almost precisely the same spot I’d parked on previous snooping sessions. I saw precisely the same things. Yellow apartment building, mission, church, appliance store. The only difference was that it was dark now, and it had been light then. Technically it had been dark for the first two hours I’d spent here with Ranger, but I’d been in a sleep-deprived stupor, so it hadn’t counted.

  Just for kicks, I trained my binoculars on the apartment building, peeping into the lit, undraped windows. I didn’t see any nudity, or any murders or any Mo. Peeping isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

  Lights were out in the mission, but the church next to the mission was getting some traffic. The mission and the church occupied two buildings that were two stories each. They’d been shops at one time. An office supply store and a dry cleaner. The Reverend Bill, a fire-and-brimstone preacher, had bought the buildings five years ago and set up his storefront church. He was one of those hooray for people, let’s get back to family values preachers. Every now and then his picture would be in the paper for picketing an abortion clinic or for throwing cow’s blood on some woman in a fur coat.

  The people entering the church looked normal enough. Nobody carried a picket sign or a bucket of blood. Mostly families. A few single men. I counted twenty-six men, women and children in a half-hour period and then the meeting or the service must have started, because the front door remained closed, and no one else showed up. It wasn’t an ethnically diverse group, but that wasn’t shocking. The surrounding neighborhood was predominantly white, blue-collar. People usually choose a church that’s within their community.

  The appliance store and Sal’s Café closed at nine. A half hour later, the twenty-six people filed out of the church. I scanned the apartment building windows one more time with the binoculars. I had my eyes glued to the third floor when someone rapped on my passenger-side window.

  It was Carl Costanza in cop uniform. He looked in at me and shook his head. I unlocked the door, and Carl took a seat.

  “You really need to get a social life,” Carl said.

  “You sound like my mother.”

  “We got a complaint about some pervert sitting in a Buick, looking in people’s windows with binoculars.”

  “I’m checking out a Mo sighting.”

  Costanza reached for the binoculars and looked the building over. “Are you going to be checking it out much longer?”

  “No. I’m done. I don’t know why I even came back here tonight. I just have this feeling, you know?”

  “Nobody ever takes their clothes off in this neighborhood,” Costanza said, still going window to window. “Have you talked to Reverend Bill?”

  “Not yet.”

  “You should go do that while I keep an eye on things. I’ve got a second-floor apartment that looks promising.”

  “You think Mo might be there?”

  “No. I think a naked woman might be there. Come on, sweetheart,” Carl crooned, watching the woman in the window, “unbutton your shirt for Uncle Carl.”

  “You’re sick.”

  “I live to serve,” Costanza said.

  I crossed the street and tried to peek past the curtains covering the two plate-glass windows in the front of the Freedom Church. I didn’t get much mileage from that, so I opened the door and looked inside.

  The entire downstairs portion was essentially one large room, set up auditorium style with a bunch of folding chairs arranged in rows and a raised platform set against the back wall. The platform had some blue material tacked to it to make a skirt. A lectern stood in the middle of the platform. I assumed this was the pulpit.

  A man was stacking books at one end of the platform. He was medium height, medium weight and had a head like a bowling ball. He wore round tortoiseshell glasses, and had pink scrubbed-clean skin, and looked like he should be saying things like, “Okley dokley, neighbor.” I recognized him from his press photos. It was Reverend Bill.

  He straightened and smiled when he saw me. His voice was soft and pleasantly melodic. Easy to imagine him in a choir robe. Hard to imagine him throwing cow’s blood, b
ut I guess when the moment seizes you…

  “Of course I know Moses Bedemier,” he said affably. “Everyone knows Uncle Mo. He packs one heck of an ice cream cone.”

  “A couple people have reported seeing him here on Montgomery recently.”

  “You mean since his disappearance?”

  “You know about that?”

  “Several of our parishioners are from the burg. Everyone has been concerned. This is pretty strange behavior for a man as stable as Mo Bedemier.”

  I gave Reverend Bill my card. “If you should see him, I’d appreciate a call.”

  “Of course.” He silently stared at the card, lost in thought, serious. “I hope he’s okay.”

  CHAPTER 9

  I didn’t want Ranger showing up in my bedroom at the crack of dawn again, so I made sure my windows were locked and the bolt thrown on my front door. Then, to be extra sure, I jury-rigged a tower of pots and pans in front of the door, so that if the door was opened the pots would come crashing down and wake me up. I’d done this once before with a tower of glasses. It had worked like a charm except for the broken glass all over the floor and the necessity of drinking from paper cups until my next paycheck arrived.

  I reread my scribblings on the steno pad, but no wondrous revelation jumped off the page at me.

  At 5 A.M. the pots clattered to the floor, and I rushed out in my flannel nightshirt to find Ranger smiling in my foyer.

  “Hey babe,” Ranger said.

  I picked my way around the pots and examined my door. The two Yale locks were intact, the bolt was thrown, the chain was attached. My conclusion was that Ranger had knocked the pots over when he slid under the doorjamb.

  “I don’t suppose it would do me any good to ask how you got in,” I said.

  “Someday when things are slow we’ll have a class in advanced B and E.”

  “You ever hear of a doorbell?”

  Ranger just kept smiling.

  Okay, so I wouldn’t answer the doorbell. I’d look out the peephole, see Ranger standing there and I’d go back to bed.

  “I’m not running,” I said. “I went running yesterday. I hated it. I’m not doing it again, ever. Been there, done that.”