Oblivion's Grasp

by Eric T Knight

  At most she figured she would live only a few days with this thing attached to her, even if Reyna didn’t suck her dry like a spider devouring its prey before then. There was a vast, bottomless emptiness inside Reyna—inside all the Children—and it pulled at her, trying to drag her in. It was like standing waist-deep in a flooding river. It was all she could do to keep her balance, to keep the current from sucking her down and carrying her away. But she knew that eventually she would lose her balance, and then she would die.

  She wondered where Shorn was, and guessed he was probably close by. It made her feel better to know she wasn’t alone, but at the same time she worried that he would get himself killed trying to rescue her. She didn’t want anyone else to die because of her.

  Netra looked down at the tether. It had struck her on the left side, low on her ribcage, tearing a hole in her shirt. From the spot where it was attached, angry red lines like swollen veins radiated outward, wrapping halfway around her torso. She touched the tether experimentally with one fingertip, jerking back at the sudden burning pain. What was it made of? How could she get it off? Even if she could withstand the pain, she wasn’t sure what would happen if she ripped it out of her. She might bleed to death. If she had a knife, she might be able to cut it, but her knife was still in her pack, which was either lying back where she’d left it when she set out to get a closer look at the Children or in Shorn’s possession.

  They’d been walking for an hour already. The rest of the Children were strung out on the road behind them, the closest a few hundred paces back. Reyna had set a fast pace from the beginning, and she’d told Netra right off that if she couldn’t keep up, she would be happy to drag her.

  Reyna seemed to be lost in her thoughts, so Netra decided to take a chance. Maybe she could learn more about the tether beyond. It took only a few moments—breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, catch hold of the outgoing flow of Song in her breath and let it pull her out of herself—and then she was beyond.

  Immediately, the day changed. The normal world faded into the background. Laid over it was a new world, one that she used to find so comforting, so peaceful. It was in the depths of beyond that she had always felt closest to Xochitl.

  But beyond was different here, so close to the Children. Gone were the gentle mists, shredded by the shrieking winds of madness that swirled around the Children. She felt wraithlike, insubstantial, and for a moment thought the winds would blow her away, never to return. She fought to keep the madness out, but felt herself slipping, and knew she needed something solid to hold onto.

  What came into her mind’s eye was Shorn. Solid, immovable, loyal, dependable. She latched onto the thought of him as tightly as she could, clinging to him to save herself.

  When she felt steadier, she turned her attention outward once again.

  What she saw shocked her.

  A normal person’s akirma glowed with a gentle, diffuse, white light, but Reyna’s akirma looked nothing like that. Her akirma looked scabbed over, the gentle glow almost completely concealed by dark, interlocking patches. The small amount of light that escaped between the scabs was clouded, dirty.

  What had happened to her akirma? Was that what the Gift had done to her?

  She looked away from Reyna. Now was not the time. The tether was almost black and she could barely see it, wouldn’t have seen it had it not been for the faint glow as her Selfsong trickled down its length. The swollen veins that extended from the end of the tether appeared thicker, angrier in here. As she watched, they extended a little deeper into her, reaching for the brighter glow in the center of her being. That was her Heartglow. If the veins reached that…

  She had to do something to slow them. But what? An idea occurred to her. Maybe she could try healing it, treat it like an ordinary wound.

  Summoning Selfsong, she focused it on one of her hands. The akirma around that hand began to glow more brightly. Then she placed her fingertips at the end of one of the veins and began releasing the Selfsong, focusing it directly on the vein, in her mind picturing it as white fire burning the vein away…

  And was knocked out of beyond by a solid, stinging slap to the side of her head. Her ears ringing, Netra looked up at Reyna, blinking her eyes against the involuntary tears that flowed.

  “I felt that.” Reyna had stopped and was glaring at her, her hands on her hips.

  “I wasn’t doing anything, Mistress,” Netra protested.

  Reyna slapped her again. “Now you’re angering me. I thought you understood what a bad idea that is.”

  Netra touched the side of her face, which was stinging from the slap. “I’m sorry, Mistress,” she said.

  “I don’t think you are. Not yet.” She jerked hard on the tether and Netra cried out and staggered, the pain so intense she couldn’t see for a second.

  Reyna took hold of Netra’s chin and tilted her face up, squeezing hard enough that Netra’s jaw began to ache. “Are you going to behave now?”

  It was hard to speak, but Netra managed to say “Yes, Mistress.”

  Reyna let go of her and patted her cheek. “I don’t believe you, you know that? I think you’ll never behave. But that’s okay. It’s only what I expect of you. Now let’s move on again. I’m hungry and Qarath isn’t getting any closer.”

  As they started off again, Reyna said, “Walk up here beside me. I want to keep an eye on you.” When Netra didn’t obey immediately, she twitched the tether, causing Netra to gasp.

  “So, enough about me,” Reyna said lightly, when Netra was alongside her, “tell me about you.”

  “What do you want to know?” Netra asked. Reyna shot her a look and she added, “Mistress.”

  “Let’s start with where you learned how to do that.”

  “Do what, Mistress?”

  Reyna gave her another look, her eyes narrowing. “You know what I hate? I hate when someone treats me like I’m an idiot. People who treat me that way get hurt.”

  Hastily, Netra said, “I’m a Tender. Or at least I used to be, Mistress.”

  Reyna stopped suddenly and turned on her. There was a frightening, feral look on her face and Netra suddenly realized how very fragile her situation was.

  “A Tender of Xochitl?” Reyna said in a very cold voice.

  Netra swallowed. “Yes, Mistress.”

  “You probably shouldn’t have told me that.”

  Netra said nothing, afraid that anything she could say would only make things worse. Reyna thrust her face very close to Netra’s. There was a twitch in her eyes that spoke of how close she was to the edge. “Do you have any idea how much I hate Xochitl?”

  “No, Mistress,” Netra said in a very small voice.

  “Much, much more than you can imagine. I swore that when I got out, I would find a way to destroy her. Her and everything she cares about.” The coldness in her voice was truly terrifying. Netra started shaking. “Where is she?”

  “I don’t know, Mistress,” Netra said desperately.

  Reyna grabbed her by the throat, lifting her up onto her toes, her grip horribly strong. “Don’t lie to me,” she hissed.

  “I’m not, Mistress,” Netra choked out. She could barely get the words out. “I swear. Xochitl left us long ago. No one knows where she is.”

  At first she thought Reyna would just kill her anyway because her grip got even tighter. Netra clawed at her hand, but it might as well have been made of stone for all the good it did. Darkness began to crowd her vision.

  Suddenly Reyna let her go. Netra collapsed to the ground, gasping for breath.

  “I will find her,” Reyna said, bending over her, shaking with suppressed rage. “Do you hear me? No matter where she is hidden, I will find her and I will…” Her words trailed off and she stood there, her hands curled into claws and her face twisted with hatred.

  She straightened and stood for a long moment with her eyes closed. Gradually the shaking eased and she opened her eyes. She brushed at some flecks of dirt on her dress and straightened it. It was a
gesture so normal, and so incongruous, that Netra almost doubted what she was seeing.

  Reyna looked up and saw that the others were getting close. She bent, took hold of Netra’s arm and lifted her to her feet.

  “Come on. We need to go. I’ve already spent way too much time with those idiots.”

  They walked in silence for some time after that, then Reyna said, “Walk up here beside me. Talk to me.”

  Dutifully, Netra hurried up beside her.

  “You think I’m a monster, don’t you?”

  Netra, surprised by the question, at first couldn’t say anything. Then she said, “No, Mistress.”

  “Don’t lie to me,” Reyna replied. There was no heat in her voice, only resignation. “Lying, deceiving, manipulating, those are my games. No one’s better at them than I am. Tell me the truth.”

  Netra swallowed. “Yes, Mistress.”

  “Yes, what?”

  “I…I think you’re a monster.”

  “You may be right. Probably you are. But I wonder. Was I a monster when I went in, or did I become one in there? I know I wasn’t a very nice person before the prison.” A raw laugh came from her. “I believe the words ‘conniving’ and ‘bitch’ applied most frequently. But I don’t think I was a monster. I was just a survivor. I lived in a world where if you weren’t eating the others, they were eating you.” She looked at Netra. “You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you? You probably grew up in some backwards village. Let me tell you what my world was like.

  “My father was very wealthy. My mother died when I was just a child and my father doted on me. He was my world.” Her voice went soft as she spoke of him and for a moment she paused, remembering. “I was sixteen when he died.” Her voice caught just a little bit as she said the words. “Overnight my whole life changed. I went from being sheltered and protected to easy prey with lots of money. His body wasn’t even cold before the predators started circling. I didn’t know they were predators, of course. I believed they were actually trying to help me.

  “There was one young man. His name was Damin. He had golden curls and strong arms. He was the most beautiful man I’d ever seen. I’d met him several times at balls and danced with him, but my father said he was beneath us and wouldn’t let him court me. Damin showed up that first night after my father died. He was kind and gentle and understanding. He held me all night as I cried, whispering to me that he was there, that he would protect me. It was he who took care of arranging my father’s burial and dealing with the legal details of his estate.

  “We were married within a month. I stood next to him and made my vows and thought I was the most fortunate woman in the world.

  “As soon as we were married, he changed. He became distant, cold. He was gone all the time in the city, leaving me alone at my father’s country estate. Most nights he didn’t come home. When I complained, he told me he was doing it for us. He was taking care of my father’s business and it took all his time. When I cried he became angry and told me I was nothing more than a spoiled child.

  “I tried to control myself. I tried to just be happy with the times when I got to see him, even if he hardly spoke to me. I loved him so much. I thought if I just tried harder I could please him, but nothing I did worked.

  “One night when he didn’t come home I just couldn’t take it anymore. I had to see him. The servants tried to talk me out of it, but I was desperate and I shouted at them until my carriage was made ready.

  “When I arrived at my father’s house in the city, the servants there tried to stop me too. They told me Damin was working and couldn’t be disturbed but I pushed my way past them.

  “I found him in bed with three women.”

  Reyna stopped talking for a minute. When she started again her voice was filled with old rage. “When I walked into that room and saw him there, like that, I experienced a moment of utter clarity. I suddenly realized the truth about the world. I saw how young and foolish I was. I saw how easily he had preyed on my weaknesses and taken advantage of me.” She made a fist. “And I knew I could not rest until I had crushed him.

  “I knew in that moment that in order to do so I had to make him believe I was no threat to him.” She gave a bitter laugh. “It wasn’t even that hard. I ran from the room crying hysterically and screaming. I took to my bed and wept, but inside I was plotting.

  “When he came and made his excuses I pretended to forgive him. I let him think I was the empty, weak person he thought I was. As soon as he was gone I began to gather information. I had money at my disposal, money he did not control, and I used it to find out everything I could about him. I learned every detail of his business dealings, many of which had been outlawed by the king. I learned who his enemies were and then I learned everything I could about them, looking for the one I could use.

  “The one I chose was a few years older than Damin, a man named Harald. Harald was a brutal, vicious man and a great many people were afraid of him. It was easy to seduce him and use him. He saw exactly what I wanted him to see: a weak young woman that he could use to strike at a foe. I became his lover.

  “In time I uncovered what I was looking for. Damin had a large shipment of outlawed goods coming in. I told Harald that I had overheard Damin talking about it with a partner, that he’d been complaining about having to take delivery in person. I knew Harald wouldn’t pass up the chance to crush his rival and that he’d want to be there to see it happen with his own eyes.

  “It all worked perfectly. The appointed night came and Damin left for the meeting. I hurried to Harald and told him the time had come. Harald took a handful of his hired swords and hurried after him. Neither of them suspected a thing. They walked right into a trap. I’d tipped off the king’s tax collectors. They were both arrested and several days later they were publicly executed.”

  The look she turned on Netra was fierce and exultant. “After that there was no turning back. I couldn’t go back to being a child. I had wealth and I had beauty and I learned how to use both. I rose high and I rose fast. None were better at the game than I was. Nothing seemed out of my reach.

  “Then one day I looked in the mirror and I knew there was one foe I couldn’t beat. There was gray in my hair and lines on my face. I was getting old. Getting old meant getting weak and I knew once I was weak the predators would be at the gates and they would tear me into little pieces.

  “Melekath’s arrival seemed like a miracle. He offered eternal youth. I would never need to fear getting old and weak.” She gave Netra an appraising look. “You have no idea what I’m talking about. You’re still young. You think you’ll never get old. If you were older, you’d understand why I did what I did. If you’d lived through the prison, as I did, you’d understand why I am this way now.”

  Netra said nothing, only wondered where this was going.

  Reyna’s expression changed then, some light dawning on her. “Maybe you do understand. At least a little. I felt your hunger when you attacked me this morning. You know there is nothing sweeter than Song. You know the power of your hunger.”

  “No,” Netra protested. But she knew Reyna’s words were true, that what she said had in fact already occurred to her. Even then she could feel the hunger lurking inside her, waiting to get free. They were not so different after all. The thought horrified her.

  “You can lie to me, but you can’t lie to yourself. That’s something else I’ve learned,” Reyna said.

  They walked in silence for a while then, while Netra grappled with the truth of what Reyna had said. She wondered if her hunger would ever go completely away. She wondered if she would ever be free of the stain of what she had done.

  At one point Reyna looked around and said, “Not a bad day, is it? I’m guessing it’s late summer, right?”

  Netra, surprised by the randomness of the comment, could only murmur her assent.

  “It’s nice to see seasons again. We didn’t have any in the prison. It was always cold. There were no plants. Not living ones anywa
y. You know, I never cared for plants. I never even thought of them at all. But once they were all gone I really missed them. I really missed a lot of things.” There was a note of sorrow that was almost childlike in her voice and Netra looked at her, surprised.

  “When I was a child I nearly drowned,” Reyna continued. “I fell into the pond at my father’s summer estate and I got twisted up in my dress and I couldn’t get free. I was sure I was going to die. It was a horrible feeling.” Her face twisted suddenly. “But drowning was nothing compared to how it felt when the prison closed over me. I couldn’t breathe. I felt utterly alone, utterly abandoned. I wanted so badly to die. But I didn’t die. I couldn’t die.”

  The emotion behind her words struck Netra like an almost physical blow. For a moment she was there in the prison, reliving the feeling with Reyna.

  “I thought when I got out of the prison those feelings would go away. I thought that once I could see the sun again everything would be different.” She turned a bleak look on Netra, then looked quickly away. “But I don’t. I still feel like I’m drowning. I still wish I could die.”

  Abruptly Reyna’s face just crumpled. She began shaking and she hunched forward, odd gasping sobs coming from her. Strangely, there were no tears.

  Netra wanted to reach out to her. She wanted to do something to ease her pain. Hesitantly, she moved closer and touched Reyna on the forearm.

  Reyna jerked away. “Don’t touch me!” she shouted, swinging one fist wildly. The blow caught Netra on the shoulder and sent her sprawling.

  Reyna took off walking again and Netra had to get to her feet and run after her. Reyna’s legs were longer than hers and she set a pace that was nearly impossible for Netra to match. She couldn’t do it by walking. She had to jog to keep up. Her whole torso began to ache horribly and each breath caused lances of pain in her chest. She grew more and more exhausted until finally she tripped on something and fell. When Reyna hit the end of the tether, the pain was so excruciating that Netra screamed.

  Reyna stopped and looked back. “Get up,” she said.