by Shey Stahl
When Hayden came to me crying, I thought for sure she was calling it off between us. I had no idea she would tell me she was pregnant. No idea.
“Let me get this straight, you knocked her up in your parent’s kitchen?”
“I don’t know when exactly,” I said to Tommy. “She made a fuck fort. We fucked a lot. Now I’m fucked.”
“Forever, too,” Willie smiled.
“Yeah, blow me, asshole.”
“I once had a cat,” Tommy said. “It was too much fucking work and I left him in North Dakota.”
We all kind of looked at him as we sat around the fire pit after Jonah’s birthday party. Hayden had just told me she was pregnant. Now here I was with the boys, drinking, because she left with Anna and I didn’t stop her.
Probably a douche move, huh?
I took another drink of the beer in my hand as it held the answer.
“It’s not like a fucking cat, man,” Willie said, leaning forward to retrieve another beer from the cooler at his feet. “If it doesn’t work out, you can’t just drop it off in the country.”
“But you can at some churches,” Willie added.
“I know, you could name the child after me,” Tommy broke into muffled laughter as his shoulders shook.
“I’m so fucked.” Hanging my head between my shoulders I tried to think of a way around this. There wasn’t one.”
“I’m getting a divorce,” Willie said, attempting to make light of the situation. “And my ex-wife wants my house for alimony. We were married a year. Fuck her.”
“I rubbed one out with the lotion Jameson had in the hauler,” Tommy then added, watching our reactions. “Turns out my dick looks like Chester Cheeto’s now.”
“I knocked a girl up.”
They didn’t say anything to that and instead, stared at the crackling fire. I put my bare feet on the stone wall surrounding the fire and slouched in the wooden chair.
“We were stupid fucking kids. My God, we were dumb.”
“Okay, we get it.” Willie stood, I assumed he was going inside my parent’s house to refill his beer. “You were an idiot.”
I hadn’t told my parents and I didn’t want to. When Hayden left, I punched the wall in the pool house and then stuck my hand in Willie’s cooler. They knew something was up and then made me sit here with them as I talked it out.
“You knew this would happen eventually,” Tommy said, handing me another beer.
“I bet it happened in the booth at Devil’s Bowl,” Willie added, sitting down next to me again with six more beers in his hands and two more in his pockets.
Tommy laughed. “Or his parent’s kitchen.”
“Or the fuck fort.”
I told them way too much already. “Come on guys …” Groaning, I tossed the empty beer aside. “Fuck, man, I’m eighteen. Eighteen!”
They seemed to understand my feelings on this but it wasn’t exactly helping.
“How have you guys managed to go this long without this happening?” Willie asked, looked to Tommy and me for an answer. Willie couldn’t have children, something about being kicked in the balls by a horse when he was a kid.
“I don’t think my swimmers work,” Tommy said.
Willie shrugged. “It’s probably all the alcohol you drink.”
Tommy gave him a cross-eyed looked and then nodded in agreement. “Probably.
“Maybe she could put it up for adoption,” Willie suggested.
I groaned, again, adjusting my hat, my voice rising as I spoke. “I could never ask her to do that.”
“Have you told your parents?” Tommy looked over at over the top of his sunglasses. It was nearing midnight and he was still wearing his sunglasses.
Never in my life have I ever been afraid to tell my mom anything. Until now. This was big.
Hell, I was still living at home, surely they wouldn’t want a baby there, too.
They’re never home though. Maybe I could hide the kid?
No. They cry. They’d notice it and I wouldn’t be able to hide it from Rosa.
Fuck. Fuck. Again, fuck!
“You shouldn’t eat where you shit,” Willie yawned loudly as he spoke.
I shook my head. “Dumbass, it’s the other way around.”
“How am I the dumbass in this situation?” he mused, then shook his head. “You get my point though.”
“Not really, Willie.” I was starting to get annoyed with both of them. “That’s confusing.”
I clenched my fist and, in turn, crumbled the beer in my hand. For good measure, I then slammed it against the ground, anger taking over. I couldn’t believe this shit. Every single time I’ve had sex, I’ve used protection and then Hayden comes along and I act like a fucking child.
How could I have been so fucking stupid?
I leaned my head back against the chair and stared up at the sky watching the smoke rise from the fire and scatter the sky.
“What if you asked her to get like a test to see if it’s even yours?” he was on the edge of his chair beside me, as if he’d just discovered my escape route. “She’s pretty easy, right? Maybe you’re not the father.”
“You’re a piece of shit, Tommy.” I pushed him backwards and he caught himself against the edge of my truck.
“Hey,” he balked, holding his palms up at me. “I’m trying to help your drunk ass. No need for name calling.”
That got me immediately. He was right. But he was very wrong, too. “I know. Sorry. Hayden’s not like that. She was only sleeping with me.”
“You going to apologize for calling me a piece of shit?” Tommy asked.
“Nope.” I got up from my chair and started walking toward the house intending on calling Hayden.
“Night, guys,” I smiled, or gave them an attempt at a smile. I stumbled a bit. Ten beers will do that to you.
“I’m waiting for my apology, Casten.”
“You’ll be waiting a while.”
“That’s not very nice!” Tommy called out after me.
I couldn’t take the thought of her dealing with this alone. She didn’t need that. Part of me thought maybe she needed some time alone. Then I thought about how confused and worried I was. Imagine what she was going through.
I tried calling her but her cell phone went straight to voicemail so I sent her a text.
Call me, pretty girl. We should talk.
And I left it at that.
I woke up to crunching and slurping. It meant only one thing. Rosa was eating in my bed again.
“There’s a hot fucking mess downstairs waiting for you,” Rosa said, crossing her ankles and reaching for the remote beside my bed, eating a bowl of cereal.
“Me?” I sat up making sure my waist was covered. Wouldn’t have been the first time Rosa saw me naked but I wasn’t thirteen anymore.
“Yeah,” Rosa turned the television to Dora. “You’re going to be late if you don’t get up soon.
Shit, I’d forgotten about work. I had a rebuild I needed to get started on today.
“Who’s downstairs?” Rubbing my eyes I looked over at the clock and then back at Rosa.
“A girl in tears and wearing your shirt.”
Fuck. It was Hayden. I bet she’s pissed still.
“You know, Rosa, some might say it’s inappropriate that you’re in my room. Not me, but some might.”
“Only assholes would say that.”
I laughed pulling a t-shirt over my head. “Where’s Hayden.”
“She’s around the corner listening.”
Hayden peeked her head around the corner and began walking toward my bed, shaking her head pleadingly. I kicked Rosa off my bed, she glared but went anyways giving Hayden the once over. She was such a brat sometimes.
“Stop that, Rosa,” I warned then looked at Hayden walking toward me.
I reached for her and pulled her into my bed and under the covers with me. Wrapped in my arms she cried for an hour. I didn’t say anything. If she needed to cry, I was going to hold her a
nd let her.
Eventually, she turned around and faced me. Her eyes locked with mine and in all my eighteen years, I’d never seen so many emotions on a girl’s face before.
She was a fucking mess, but still, undeniably beautiful despite the smeared mascara running down her face.
Then she started talking. “I’m sorry. I can’t believe I fucked this up so bad. If you don’t want anything to do with me, I understand …”
She kept talking about messing everything up between us and I didn’t have the heart to interrupt her.
But I also couldn’t have her thinking she was alone in this.
I ran through the possibilities in my head. None made sense so I just settled on, “I’m not going anywhere.”
She gave me a tearful nod and nothing more was said. I think she just needed that little bit of reassurance.
I had to leave for work, as did Hayden so I drove her to work Thursday morning. My mind was all over the place and Hayden and I didn’t exactly speak on the drive there. I thought a lot about racing and what this would mean. I couldn’t race and have a kid, too, could I?
My brother did and so did my dad. That shouldn’t stop me, right?
Once I was in the shop, like the exact moment, Charlie was in my face.
He was saying all kinds of shit about me using Hayden and I understood none of it. So I punched him. I’ve heard my family say I’m nothing like my dad. That’s not entirely true. If you piss me off enough, I’m exactly like him. React, then talk.
Noah had to separate us and then Hayden was standing there with her hand over her mouth, watching.
I was breathing heavy, trying to get myself together but I couldn’t. Everything I’d bottled up for so long with Charlie and this situation had blown up.
“You think this will work out between you two?” Charlie yelled over my harsh words I was sure no one could decipher. I was pretty upset by then. “You don’t know anything about her!”
“Come on, Casten,” Axel tried to push us apart again. “He’s just—”
“He just needs to mind his own fucking business.” I pushed back against my brother, creating distance and faced Charlie again.
“I know enough,” Charlie snapped, his eyes only on me as we stood just feet from one another again, both sporting bloody lips. “All that I asked was that you not fuck around with my friend like the rest of the world has. That’s all! And what did you do, you got her pregnant!”
I don’t think Hayden told him because that’s when she blew up. “Oh my God!” she screamed pushing Charlie away from me, hitting his chest with angry fists. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“I quit!” he snapped flipping the engine in my stall to the ground. “Try running this fucking business by yourself!”
Axel looked to me and then to Hayden, barely regarding her before rolling his eyes but said nothing.
I stood with my arms extended holding myself up against my tool box with my back to Hayden never acknowledging her. My hands were spread wide, my weight leaning into them and my head bent forward contemplating what the fuck was going on with me. My emotions were all over the fucking place. You’d think I was the one pregnant.
I turned around and faced my brother.
Axel glared at the engine smashed on the concrete floor. “As if we don’t have enough shit to deal with—an eighty-thousand-dollar engine is trashed!”
When Axel slammed the shop door behind him, Hayden watched me closely. “Are you alright?” she asked in the timid beaten dog tone again.
I turned to face her, blood poured from my lip as my restive eyes gauged hers. “Do you want this? I’m not going to put up a fight for someone I don’t think will fight for me in turn.”
“I built a fuck fort for you?” was her response. “And I’m having your baby.”
“Do you want to be with me?” my voice dropped low and defeated. “Is that something you want?”
She looked at me, wondering what went wrong from me telling her I wasn’t going anywhere this morning to this, confused and frustrated.
I guess maybe it was adrenaline or maybe it was just me finally being exposed. This girl here, the one with the tearful expression before me, had taken my heart and now I was scared what she could do with it.
“I think what I want is for you to see what it is you want.”
And then she left.
Post Entry – A team or driver who enters the race after the deadline. A post entry is allowed no driver or owner points.
Originally Anna was going to go with me to that first appointment my doctor scheduled for me Friday morning but she had a meeting in Charlotte she couldn’t get out of.
As I was leaving work around two that afternoon, Casten came up with his hands buried deep in the pockets of his gray cargo shorts, his hat pulled down low. “Are you leaving?”
He wasn’t dressed in his usual CST shirt so I was aware he was either leaving or maybe just arriving.
We hadn’t spoken since the incident with Charlie yesterday morning. I guess in some ways, I needed some space from him.
“Yeah, I got a doctor’s appointment. They’re doing an ultrasound.”
He didn’t say anything, his attention on his feet when I said, “Okay, well, see ya around.”
Maybe it was all my emotions but I felt like crying.
Sometimes a girl just needs a good cry. One that cleanses all her frustrations.
That’s what Haley used to tell me when we were kids and I’d catch her crying. If you ever spent any amount of time around her, you understood she was a girl on a mission. Nothing scared her. If she wanted to accomplish something, she did and there was no question.
But I saw a side of her late at night that some didn’t. The fear she had buried down deep. The fear that drove her to do what she needed, but also, the fear that got the best of her at times.
If I thought it was tough being the youngest, and having a mother who I was sure hated me, Haley had the expectation of greatness. I didn’t see it for a long time but I did when she moved away. My parents expected great things from her and she did great things. But there were times when she didn’t. Times when she would go to a party, or date a guy they didn’t approve of.
In many ways, she was just like me.
This was apparently my fear. I was fucking up and I was doing it big time.
What bothered me the most was how Casten and I went from best buddies to this. It was depressing.
Just as I was walking away, he surprised me. “Can I come with you?”
“You want to?”
“Yeah,” his eyes met mine and he reassured me he wasn’t a total asshole, just maybe a quarter asshole. “I don’t want you to go alone.”
He’s not an asshole at all.
The drive there was quiet, neither one of us speaking much. When we got inside the clinic and the doctor asked Casten if he wanted to come back, I could almost see the sweat pouring off of him.
When they put that little magic wand on my stomach, he started breathing heavy.
When he looked at me, he squashed every bitter thought I might have had for him, or this situation. Gentle eyed and soft voiced, I saw a side of Casten I didn’t know was there. Very much a boy still, he was a baby of a family that had busy lives. No one ever took him seriously. I don’t think that necessarily bothered him.
But he had a job now and he was doing something. He had goals he was working toward. Now he knocked up a girl.
What would they think of him now?
That scared him.
In a lot of ways, Casten and I were very similar. Often times I would be thinking something and he’d say it.
I think that’s why I understood his fear right now. I had the same fear.
“There is your baby,” the ultrasound tech said, pointing to the screen. “Looks like you’re due in early January.”
“The other guy told me December twenty-sixth.”
She shrugged and hit a button on the side of the monitor. �
�By the measurements, it’s telling me January tenth. They could have been off on the calculation.”
I swallowed over the lump in my throat and looked at the screen, then to Casten and back to the screen.
When we heard that steady flicker of the heartbeat and the little diamond-shaped blip on the screen, his smile matched my own.
“That’s the baby?”
The lady nodded at my question.
We didn’t say anything in that moment. Nothing. We just stared at the screen.
When the lady left, Casten looked at me. “You asked me to see what I wanted.” Swallowing, he drew in a deep breath and placed his hand over my bare stomach. “I want this.”
As scared and nervous as I was about it, I wanted that too.
I don’t even remember leaving but the next thing I knew, we were in his truck and sitting outside the doctor’s office talking. I had the picture in my hand.
“I can’t believe this,” I shook my head. “I just can’t believe you put a baby in me with your balls.”
He laughed. “You know, they should have done an ultrasound on my heart,” he laughed. “That would have been interesting. I think it stopped beating.”
“We have to tell our parents, Casten.” I continued to stare at the picture and then he took it from me, taking a closer look at it.
He gave me that look of panic again, then looked back at the picture. “Maybe we don’t have to tell them.”
“Or maybe we do.”
“Okay, well, let’s start with yours and then we’ll slowly move to mine,” he suggested. “How about that?”
“Fine.”
Two hours later we were sitting in my parent’s living room.
“Can I get you something to drink?” My mom asked Casten, ignoring me when I asked for water.
“I’ll have a beer,” he said, laughing, trying tease her.
“The fuck you will. Aren’t you nineteen?”
“I’m actually eighteen.”
Casten looked at me when she walked away. “Who is that lady? She’s not very friendly.”
“My mom. You met her before, dumb ass.” I had to laugh knowing this was where the shit was about to get real. I’ve been going over this conversation in my head for days and have yet to come up with a justifiable way of telling them.