Hot Laps

by Shey Stahl

  “Mom, she’s asking for you.”

  Mom’s eyes went wide. “Why? I couldn’t even get through the birth of my own kids let alone this one.”

  Dad pushed her toward me. “If it stops this screaming, you better get your ass in there.”

  “That screaming is Tommy, not Hayden.” She glared at me. “Casten, she needs you. Not me. Buck up and be a man.”

  Unbelievable. She refused to go in there and I was forced to deal with it.

  When I went back in there, Hayden was crying. “It’s time to push again,” the doctor said, giving me that look of get your shit together, asshole.

  The doctor just looked at me like I was crazy and not fit to be a father. I’m sure our thoughts were the same.

  Her voice was barely a whisper. “Casten, I’m scared.”

  I knew then she didn’t need my mom. Mom was right. She needed me.

  It’s then that I had to keep myself from wanting to punch this doctor. My throat felt tight. “You’re doing great,” I said that, but really, she’s not doing that great. In fact, she looks awful and I meant that in a nice way.

  “Just breathe and squeeze my hand if you need to.”

  She did. Nearly broke it. Just as she pushed one last time, Tommy came in.

  “Oh. My. God.” he said. And then, “Holy shit! That’s disgusting!”

  “Tommy!” Hayden and I yelled together, and then it was followed by a shriek from a pair of tiny lungs.

  Hayden and I never knew what we were having. The baby never cooperated during the ultrasounds and left us guessing.

  And now, as my luck would have it, I was holding a little girl with my eyes and cheeks. Life would never be the same for me. My dad was right.

  She’s beautiful. Most parents I suppose think their kids are cute. But mine, she’s fucking beautiful. Given, she was screaming her head off, covered in something I had no interest in knowing what it was, and flailing around, but she was mine.

  I saw my dad cry once. Okay, a couple times. It takes a lot to make a man cry. I know this.

  But when I saw my little girl, I was nearing that emotional precipice. She’d be the death of me.

  My daughter. I’m totally fucking screwed.

  I’ve learned from my parents there are moments in this world that are worth it. They’re worth shedding tears over and banging your head against the wall for. They’re worth a complicated mess and an undefined relationship. They’re worth the love that’s there, felt, and appreciated but never spoken.

  Those moments, they could destroy you if you let them. Then there’s another moment, one that takes your breath away and gives you back your hope. A hope that’s placed in your arms for you to now share moments with.

  As she sat there staring at me, I half expected this little baby to say, “It was a planned execution.”

  Sometimes, in ways you’d never expect, life works out.

  Chunking – When a tire shreds pieces of rubber.

  My daughter looked like a chicken without feathers and caked in jelly.

  I felt myself welling up with tears. I had a daughter. Me. Hayden Harris was a mother of something and it wasn’t a goldfish. I just hope she didn’t die while I bathed her.

  “She looks just like you both,” Sway said, looking at her first granddaughter wrapped in her pink blanket in Casten’s arms. She was absolutely beautiful despite the squishy overcooked look she had. The extra two weeks had done her good and she was healthy, seven pounds nine ounces with a head full of chocolate straight hair waves.

  Abigale had been replaced of her cutest kid duties. A new little girl took over Abigale’s title of being the “cutest kid.”

  “One day, I’m going to ask you to marry me,” Casten said, in front of his parents as he kissed my forehead.

  I smiled. “I know.”

  “And one day you’re going to say yes.”

  The fact that he was talking like this in front of his parents, expressing himself, divulging his love for me right then and there said a lot.

  I nodded again and went on to say, “I hope you never want another kid from me. That was the worst,” I whispered to Casten when he sat next to me on the bed rubbing my thigh. “And, it’s definitely not something anyone should do twice. What the fuck is wrong with Lily?” With how gruesome the whole experience was, if I were Casten, I would have run out of here and never looked back. “I think I’m going to need a complete rebuild after this.”

  Casten laughed. “It’s a good thing you know an engine builder.”

  Jameson rolled his eyes. “Alright,” he kissed my forehead and patted his son on the shoulder. “Give me my granddaughter. It’s time I held her.”

  Carefully with his strong arms, he reached for her holding her close to her chest bouncing her ever lightly. “She’s pretty.” He winked at me. “Just like her mama.”

  Sway was immediately crying. In a family full of little boys, Jameson and her now had their first little girl grandbaby and you couldn’t wipe the smiles off their faces.

  The fact that we named her Gray, after Grays Harbor Raceway was another emotional moment. Sway’s dad had owned Grays Harbor before they did and Casten wanted to honor his grandpa and his parents in some way.

  That’s when we decided on Gray whether it was a boy or a girl.

  When everyone left the room that night and Casten and I were alone with our daughter, I was a breath away from crying, I knew it. His eyes took me in carefully, watching my reaction to Gray in my arms.

  I once told Casten that arms were my favorite body part. They were. Arms have the ability to make you feel so much more. They can fight for you, catch you when you fall, draw someone close and even push them away.

  They’re like legs in a way.

  But, then again, there’s something legs can’t do and make them my favorite body part. They bring what’s near and dear to you and hold it close to your heart. Like holding a baby.

  In the arms of the man I held close, was the one thing I never thought would tie the two of us together. A baby.

  There’s always a gray area in a relationship. A part that no one talks about. If you say there’s not, I think you’re full of shit.

  You know why? Because there’s always something you keep to yourself. A part of you that’s just yours. That gray area.

  I have a lot of gray in my life but slowly one person was adding color to my gray areas and expanding my emotional and mental prism.

  Casten.

  As you can see, the name Gray had a lot of meaning.

  Gently and with a lot more care than I’ve ever seen, Casten set Gray down, with those strong arms that I had felt so often throughout this.

  Other than those first few days after I found out I was pregnant, I’ve never felt alone. Casten has made that part easy for me.

  Once we made eye contact again, Casten placed his hands on either side of my face. “I fell for you.”

  I knew I gave my heart to Casten a while ago. I gave it to him that first night at the party. I thought he would break my heart. The thing was, for a while, I hadn’t even realized that I had a heart to give to someone to break.

  “I fell first,” I said, speaking from my heart.

  It was simple.

  He stared at me longer than I would have liked given how horrible I probably looked right then. “I love you, pretty girl,” he said, cradling my head in his hands and pressing his lips to my forehead.

  There’s something most people don’t see about Casten. Or maybe, they don’t take the time to notice. He’s always observing. He doesn’t say much in terms of his feelings but when he does, it’s always so insightful. He may not say much, but there’s always a lot going on inside his head. When he does speak, when he gives you a look inside of who he is, he comes across as confident and magical. He speaks his heart.

  “I love you, dirty boy.”

  Gray squirmed around in her little bed and her daddy was instantly there picking her up. I had a feeling this would eventually
become a problem.

  “What do you think she’s trying to tell us?” he asked, watching her array of movements. For being a newborn, she moved a lot. After all, I carried her around for nine months and two extra weeks so I knew how active she was

  “Probably that she wants to be put up for adoption.”

  We both started laughing and that startled her. She let out this scream that would have you thinking she was being murdered.

  I also had a feeling this would be a recurring problem, too. She seemed to have no problems telling anyone what she thought, even for a few hours old.

  When we got back to Mooresville five days later, all cozied up in our camper with our baby girl, never in my wildest dreams did I think my sister would come see me. But she did.

  It was the first time I’d seen her since she left for college. Tall like me, brown hair like me, at first glance anyone could tell we were sisters.

  That was, until we spoke. She’s smart and it shows in everything she does. Me, well I fit in well with the dysfunctional shit show I was part of.

  “What are you doing here?” I gasped unable to control my tears any longer. “I thought you were in school?”

  Her first question?

  “Why do you have a sign that says Fuck Fort Elite on your door?”

  “Because it’s cool,” I laughed. “But seriously, how did you find me?” Mom and Dad didn’t even know I moved in with Casten.

  “Anna told me. I couldn’t let my baby sister have a baby and not come see you,” she gushed, stepping inside and peeking in the blanket. “Oh my God!” she squealed clapping her hands together in front of her face. “She’s so pretty!”

  “Did Mom tell you?”

  “No, actually Dad did. He was so excited to be a grandpa he called me at three in the morning to tell me you had the baby.” She raised her eyes from the baby. “I’m so happy for you.”

  I shrugged. Fucking hormones. I thought that shit would have gone away once the kid was born, but no, I was still dealing with it.

  “Hayden …” Haley paused waiting for my eyes to find hers. “You know that mom loves you. She does.”

  “She has a shitty way of showing it,” I mumbled reaching for Gray’s bottle on the counter. I was breastfeeding but my milk didn’t come in the way it should so I had to supplement with formula.

  Popping the top to the already mixed container, I shook it up and watched Gray squirm a little. She knew.

  “You know why I moved across the United States from her?”

  “Because she’s a bitch?”

  “Yep,” Haley handed me Gray. “I love Dad, but I honestly don’t see how he’s married to that woman.”

  We both shared a laugh. Haley watched me as I held Gray cradled in my arms watching her eating.

  I looked up at her and smiled. “What?”

  “It’s good to see you like this.” Her smile was endearing. “The last time I saw you was at my graduation party and you were drunk and smoking pot. Now you’re a mother.”

  “It’s crazy to think this time last year I was stealing beer from my roommate and jobless.”

  “Don’t forget living in a trailer with a sign that says Fuck Fort Elite on it.”

  “Classy, huh?”

  “Totally,” her smile broke and I saw a touch of sadness. “I missed you.”

  “I missed you, too.” I did miss her. I didn’t even realize how much I did until she walked in. Now I didn’t want her to leave. We talked for hours and I couldn’t remember a time when I ever felt closer to her.

  Life changes in some strange ways sometimes. I didn’t realize how much my life had changed until Haley said something. She was right. This time last year I was technically a bum. Now look at me.

  Sometimes we make decisions. Like taking a job we never thought would work out.

  We make rash decisions. Ones we think will never work out. Like going to a party to talking dirty with an engine builder.

  We make decisions we think we’re going to regret. Like going on a road trip with an engine builder. Sometimes those decisions bite us in the ass. Or the toe in my case.

  Sometimes we’re left with a decision. Like having a baby.

  Sometimes it just all works out.

  Sometimes I wonder if everyone knows who they are. I don’t mean like where they come from. I mean deep down. I didn’t know me. I didn’t know that I had parental issues. Well, I did, but you get it. I was avoiding them by drinking. I never saw that. I thought I was just having a good time. Did I want to live that way?

  I thought I did. I was in denial. The thing was, some people are so set on believing nothing is wrong, they actually believe it whether it’s true or not.

  I’m not sure my relationship with my parents would ever be what it should. I’m also not inclined to worry about it too much. I have my own family now and they are my primary concern.

  All it takes is one person to change your life forever. That one person can force you to think and feel things you’ve never felt before. They change your color from gray to electric blue.

  When they change that color, they force you to rethink about who you are.

  Did I want to live that way anymore?

  I wanted some beer. I did know that.

  Did I know why this happened?

  Yeah, I forgot my shot, but looking at Gray, I’m glad I did.

  Casten was right. It all worked out.

  Gas Can – Large steel can used to fill cars with gas.

  1 Year Later

  “You and Charlie need to apologize or whatever,” Dad had said to me after I made the decision to cut back at the shop and race more. “I hate to say it, but we need him back there and he’s family.”

  We did talk at the shop one morning. I was gloating that Gray had started crawling when he came up and smiled. First smile I’d seen from him in so long I couldn’t remember the last one.

  For guys, it’s easy to reconcile. It was simple as, “Hey, man, no hard feelings?”

  “Nope,” I smiled. “None.”

  And that was that.

  Before he let, he turned to face me. “You know that my problem was never with you directly, right?”

  “No.”

  It takes a man with a lot of balls to say what he said to me that way.

  I doubted Charlie and I would ever be as close as Cole and I were, but I had a new respect for him after that.

  Charlie shuffled his feet and then drew in a deep breath. “Around here, it’s kind of … a Riley thing. Jameson owns JAR Racing and CST. Axel races. You race. Nobody else in the family does. Nobody compares to you and Axel in Jameson’s eyes, and sometimes those of us who work for him tend to think we’re not as good.”

  “You’re better at engines than me, you know that, right?”

  “I do,” he nodded in agreement. “I’m not saying it shouldn’t be that way either. You’re his boys. We’re the Gomez boys. I knew Hayden a lot longer than you did and part of me had a feeling you two would get together.” Charlie gave me a regretful stare. “I loved her. I did. So …” he kept pausing and it was so unlike Charlie because he blurted everything out most of the time. “Treat her right.”

  There was a good part of me that felt bad about racing again because it meant less time at CST. Ultimately, it was less time spent with Hayden and Gray, too.

  We ended up building a house that spring after Gray was born on my parent’s property. They gave us a two-acre plot next to Tommy.

  Hayden was apprehensive about that, wasn’t sure whether she wanted to live near Tommy but when I explained to her that we could put in some security cameras eventually and spy on him, she was okay with it.

  After that we used our previous home, the camper, to travel in since I was racing more and more.

  After the Chili Bowl, Dad came to me and asked me what I wanted to do. I loved building engines, but part of me wanted to race full time.

  “I would feel bad, you know? Leaving you and the guys at the shop hanging.”


  He laughed. “Says the kid who destroyed my house, twice.”

  “That was last year. I’m a family man now.”

  “You’re twenty, a dad, and have a live-in girlfriend. Don’t go putting a title on it now.”

  I shrugged. “Sometimes I wonder if you will ever know my real age.”

  “Hey,” he put his arm around me as we walked into the shop. “There’s worse things to forget. At least I remember your name.”

  “True.”

  Dad let me make the decision to race myself. After the Outlaw season started, I decided I would try it. I didn’t go in intending to be competitive. I just went out there and had fun, the way I needed to.

  That left me, once again, running the Chili Bowl the first next year right before Gray’s first birthday.

  Life was so different than it was back then and I now had over a dozen wins under my belt. And I had one more by the end of that night. At twenty, I won the Chili Bowl Midget Nationals.

  Some say I’ll never be as good as my brother and dad. I say to them that it was never about that. I’m an independent suspension.

  We were all in the shop the day after my first Chili Bowl win looking at the car. It’d definitely seen better days after I blew up the engine doing a burn out. Dad and mom were teasing Hayden about the dress she bought for Gray to wear. She thought for sure Gray would actually wear it but my spirited little girl wanted nothing to do with dresses. She wanted my car. She wanted to play in dirt and had every toy race car they made.

  Gray just may be the first girl Riley racer.

  And I had no problems with that.

  “She’s not going to let you put that on her. She never wears that shit,” I told Hayden, gesturing to Gray who was running around the shop in nothing but her diaper.

  “Fine. If I show you will you stop being such an asshole and get her to wear it?”

  I grinned and looked at my dad and then back to Hayden. “Show me and let’s see …”

  “Son of a bitch …” Dad mumbled staring at my mom. “He stole my line.”

  Everyone got a good laugh out of that.