by JA Huss
Speaking of which, I really need to hand Gid's over to him before Tier blabs. I'm not about to piss Gideon off over that. SEARs are very personal and I know he's lived without one for years and that's gotta hurt. Me holding out on him is almost cruel.
But right now, I'm starving. The whole two-year morph hits me hard again. It sucks when you forget and then you don't.
I peek out my door and it's deathly quiet. I wonder where everyone else sleeps? Is this my room from before? Looks a little bit like it from what I can remember of the last time I was down here.
I go left because I'm pretty sure right takes me out towards the exit. Finding the kitchen is not a big deal, it's right around the next corner.
It's not just a kitchen, I notice now. It's got games around the perimeter, antique console games and pinball, like the kind Gid and I had back in the big room out at the Stag. A rec room, that's what we'd call it if we were still kids.
I walk to the food machines, thumb one to see if it works—it's set on free, so it does—and then choose mac and cheese.
Mmmmmm, vending machine mac and cheese.
I haven't had that for years. It smells so freaking good I almost die. I pull the steaming bowl out of the cooker and cop a seat at one of the tables that have been pushed aside to make room for our team circle. I chow that shit down like it's my last supper. I haven't eaten since I was at Hand's house in Dallas. That was several days ago now. I look down at my body and notice the curves are not so curvy.
They've sorta grown on me, especially how fantastic my girls looked in that dress.
I grab another bowl of mac and cheese and scarf that down too.
I'm almost finished when a game machine in the corner comes to life with a familiar hypnotic thrum.
Embryon, it says in a techy man's voice.
Holy shit. I walk over to the game and stare at it, wide-eyed. It's our pinball game from the Stag. The one Gid and I used to play for days on end trying to get multi-ball.
My dad must've saved it or found another one like it.
Embryon freeball.
Isec appears at the control and pops the ball into play. He smiles over at me. "I've always wanted to play pinball, Junco."
"Isec?"
He looks exactly like he did the day I killed him back in Fledge Fight Seven. He's even wearing the nondescript uniform.
His attention is on the game, not me, so I watch. The backboard glass lights up and the female embryonic figure, wrapped up in a fetal position and encased in a membrane, flashes.
Embryon functional.
There's a man standing over her in a uniform. She's a clone in an egg sac.
Isten and Kush join Isec, both of them pushing and arguing about something I cannot hear. Their mouths move, but no sound comes out. Even Isec's voice is gone now. It makes me sad to miss his little-boy squeals as he hits the silver ball across the playfield.
"They're not of this world, Junco." Sera is standing next to me in her trademark silky dress. She waves her hand towards Isec. "They're spectral, but that should comfort you. A little, at least."
"Are they—dead?" I look up to her, wanting very badly for her to say no.
"Yes, of course they're dead."
Braun and Mish pop into view and Braun chews on his cigar. Then they're all there. Charlie and my Aren are laughing as my Isten grabs a cigar out of Braun's pocket and strikes it up.
Sera takes my hand and looks at me with perhaps the most concern I've ever seen her have for anything. "They will take your place, Junco. Each of your Siblings will be given a proxy. This is my gift to you. When we activate the Djed Pillars someone has to stay behind. And each of them has made it possible for your Siblings, and you, to have a life after we meet our destinies."
I watch her mouth but these words barely make sense.
"Did you hear me, Junco?"
My frown draws my brows down into a deep furrow as I watch the game.
"I promised you satisfaction, but—"
"But what?" I look up now and become angry. "You're gonna take that away from me too?" I turn and cry unexpectedly, all my defenses gone. "Why bother living, Sera? Why? I can't do this anymore. I'm crazy. I have nobody, I have nothing."
She puts a hand on my shoulder and leans into my ear. "I was going to say, I promised you satisfaction but I believe I owe you happiness, Junco. I will give you happiness if you will just trust me."
I say nothing, just stand there watching Isec flip the silver ball from one end of the game to the other. It hits the blue targets up in the right corner and sets up the multi-ball. The bumpers take over and the ball is taken captive in a holding area. He pops another ball into play and shoots that one into the next holding area, like he's been playing this game his whole life. A few more balls, a few more setups, and then he's ready.
"The crazy will wear off, Junco. I promise. And you have all these people here who love you. Gideon and Ashur. And Tier. Everyone came here because they love you. Every single one. Even Lili, Aren, and Selia. And yes, Irin as well. They've all come to set it right so you can be done and this part of your life can be over."
"Does Tier know what you're doing?" I sniffle and look up to watch her eyes as she answers.
"No, he's not mine to order. But I promise you happiness, Junco. Please, just do what I tell you and it will all work out. And don't say another word about the proxies. I can't have Lucan messing things up."
I nod and let the tears fall again, willing myself not to notice that there are square tiles below my feet. Tiles just begging to be counted.
And then she's gone.
"Junco?"
My head swivels to meet Tier's question and the real world comes back to me in a rush. The pinball machine is talking to me.
Life support activated.
I turn back to the game and notice I'm the one playing, not Isec. I've got it all set up for multi-ball. My fingers move the buttons and the flippers push the ball around the playfield until I hit the targets in all the right places. The backglass flashes a bright white light that lasts for an exaggerated second, heavy with the expectation of what comes next, and then all the captive balls are released from where I stashed them during play.
Final stage in progress.
Embryon.
I was the embryon. My hair swaying in front of my face, lying there in the viscous morph gel, Inanna standing over me like the man on the backglass standing over that woman clone. I was her project. Her embryon. She set me up that way, she set Gideon up that way. She played us like multi-ball.
I let every single chrome-steel ball slide down the playfield. Not one flipper makes to stop them, not one bumper gets in the way. I let them all drain down the middle, no longer held captive, no longer in play.
That's one sure way to end it, isn't it?
Just stop playing the game. Just quit.
I quit.
The machine makes the familiar chk-chk-chk sound as the lights race in a circle around the freeball numbers. It clicks loudly. But I don't win a free game.
It's better that way, not to win. Because winning means you got lucky.
"Junco?" Tier asks me again. "Are you OK?"
I shake my head and let the tears flow down my cheeks as I count the tiles below my feet. Two weaknesses are not allowed. You cannot cry and count or you will not be able to fight. "No, Tier. I'm so fucking far from OK I have no idea how to get back."
I can hear his bare feet walk towards me and I whirl around, making him stop.
"And you're the reason, you know that? I was fine until you showed up talking your shit about my baby. Mine. Not yours, it was mine. And you wanna know the funny part, Tier? You wanna know?"
He nods at me, his face so serious it scares me. "Yeah, Juncs. Tell me the funny part."
The tears fall out in rivers. "I wasn't even—" I can't even finish it, I just break down and fall to the floor.
He sits next to me and pulls my head into his lap and lets me cry.
I count sobs
instead of tiles this time. This is not going to end well.
"Ya weren't what, Junco?"
I sniff and rub the tears out of my eyes before I finish it. "Pregnant, Tier. I wasn't even pregnant."
He traces a pattern on my forehead as I fail to get myself under control. "How do ya know that, Juncs? How?"
I wail into his leg, the snot leaving wet streaks on his pants. It takes long stretches of minutes to bring myself back to reality. And when I come back he's still holding me. Waiting patiently.
"How do ya know, Junco?" Tier repeats.
I sit up, our clothes a filthy mess from the dirt and grime-covered floor that no one bothers to clean up anymore.
"I know because I left Sargassum so I could go get my HOUSE. And as soon as I let her inside me I started getting sick and wanted to throw up. It was Sera making me sick, not a baby. I was never pregnant and that hurts even worse than losing it." A single sob escapes before I can tuck it down. "Because there are no babies in my future, Tier." These words come out low and even. Almost emotionless. "There are no babies in my future."
He scoops me up and carries me back to my room, setting me on the bed like I'm a piece of glass or something, then climbs in behind me and pulls me close, his wings wrapping me up like a blanket. This hurts too. I don't even have wings anymore. All those battles in Fledge, all those deaths back on Amelia were inconsequential.
Because I'm something else now.
And nothing I did before even matters.
He presses his lips up to my neck and I feel him swallow just before his deep whisper floats across my cheek. "There are so many babies in your future, Junco, you'll forget you ever felt this sad one day. I promise."
I shake my head and squeeze my eyelids together. "It's not true. I can't have babies. Lucan said as much back on Amelia. He said—" The words are stuck in my throat, unable to make it past the ache that keeps the hurt tucked down.
"He never said that, Junco. You know he never said that."
"He said, you're not human, Junco." The sob breaks free and erupts against the pillow and I have to drag my hand across my face several times to wipe away the tears. "And I might be naive and gullible and believe everything I'm told most of the time. But I know what he was saying, Tier. I might be all those things, but I'm not stupid." I choke on a sob again and take an erratic gasp of air. "And you're the biggest asshole ever because I needed you that night. That was my birthday. And I was so happy to see that flier land on the roof."
He squeezes me tight now, his breathing coming in heavy draws. "Stop, Junco. I'm sorry, OK? I was an asshole."
The snot from my nose is starting to drip down onto my lip, forcing me to sniff and this makes my head throb. When I get all that under control my words come out in a whisper. "It's not OK. It's very far from OK. Because I've been here, at the edge of my sanity, so many times now it's starting to feel like home. It's almost comfortable. You know the reason why they had to erase me, Tier? Why they had to take away those memories and leave the dark emptiness?"
He stays so still and silent behind me I almost can't tell if he's there.
"Because I was insane. One hundred percent certifiably insane. Erasure was a gift to allow me to hold it together for just a little bit longer. But I'm too old for that now. I looked this shit up on the sphere while I was at Gid's. And it said erasure only works until puberty."
I sip air in small staccato breaths as I try to keep it together. "And after that the procedure causes irreparable damage to the psyche."
I break free of his embrace and turn to face him. His eyes are filled with tears and they run down his face. I let my head fall to his chest and force myself to say the words.
"And they erased me twice when I was almost seventeen. And that's why when you met me out there on the hill, I had no idea what the fuck was going on. I'm irreparable, Tier. I'm broken. One hundred percent broken, shattered into thousands of pieces, unfixable."
I look up in to his eyes, his beautiful green eyes, and I take a deep breath and let out a sad whisper. "I am just broken."
He moves for the first time since I started talking. His hands unwrap from my body and he slips his fingers behind my neck, his thumbs lift up my chin, forcing me to look him in the eyes. "You will find yer way back, Junco. This is temporary, I promise. You'll find yer way back."
I just shake my head and cry into his chest. "That's not true and you know it."
His fingertips slip around to my back and under my shirt, caressing me into quiet submission as he starts tracing a pattern across my skin. I lie still, enjoying it. Not even thinking about what the pattern says, just enjoying it.
He leans down and kisses me on the head. "I was never mistreated by Lucan growing up, Junco. I mean, maybe by human standards the Clutch and the fostering were cruel, or the Fledge. But by avian standards I had it easier than most because Lucan was like a father to me, and Ashur and I were kept apart from the others. Lucan took care of me and made sure I had what I needed. And yeah, it all came with strings. I have a job to do and I owe him to complete what I started. But compared to what they put ya through, my life has been a storybook tale. I can't even imagine what it must be like to be you. I can't. Yer so strong, ya hold me up with your strength, Junco. Ya hold me up."
"No, Tier. I can't even hold myself up." I feel my whole body relax and my eyelids begin to get heavy, then the thrum of his voice next to my cheek makes me calm.
"You've got more power inside ya than anyone I know, Junco. Yer not just holding me up, yer carrying me, darlin'. Yer carrying me and ya don't even know it."
I press my face against his chest and find his heartbeat before I can stop myself. I thought I could control the counting, but old habits are sometimes all you have to fall back on. I am officially one hundred percent out of control.
"Remember our conversation, out on the redrock, about synchronicity?"
He pauses and I nod my head into his chest.
"And remember ya said we can't give up the bad or we have to give up the good too?"
"Yes," I whisper.
"I know ya feel wrecked, Junco. But yer not. You gotta find a little more fight in ya, just a little bit more. Because we're so close to the fucking end I can taste it. I can almost reach out and grab it."
I sniff loudly. "It just doesn't seem winnable. It just doesn't. We'll never win."
He pulls my face up to him again and I reluctantly open my tired eyes to meet his gaze. "It is winnable, I promise. We will win and we will survive and we will finally, finally get our chance. And I will give you more babies than you'll know what to do with, Junco. You'll have so many babies you'll beg me to stop. All ya gotta do is trust me."
Just trust him. Just trust Lucan. Just trust Sera. Who do I trust? Who is us and who is them? Where the fuck is that stupid true north compass when I need it?
I give up and lie, and this time I don't even bother to almost feel bad about it.
"Yeah, OK, Tier. I trust you." Because I'm too tired to explain it and too beaten down to care. My head becomes cloudy as thoughts fly through my mind in a jumbled mess and I know his embrace is the reason. Those magic fucking wings have dosed me with something that makes me calm and dreamy. And I wish I could fall asleep in his arms and never wake up. Who will carry me, Tier? That's what I want to ask. Who will carry me and how much longer before they will just let me die?
Chapter Twenty
I wake up in my room, my tongue sticky and thick once more.
Tier's calming embrace comes back to me. He put me to sleep to keep the pain away and dampen down the feelings. Keep the nightmares away. The same thing everyone's been doing to me my whole fucking life. Just erase it.
And why do I bother bringing those memories back up at all? I mean, seriously? I told Annun. I fucking told him it was better to put that shit away and never look back. Never. Look. Back.
My eyes are so puffy I can barely open them, but I get up anyway. Start the shower and let the hot water blast me until I'm
red and sore all over.
I dress in a pair of jeans that fit like they belong to Selia, then grab a faded brown hoodie with a cracked and peeling yellow chicken on the front. It says, Cluck if you love Chick-Chick-Chicken. It's either that or the brand new one with a giant pink face of Cora! on it.
I'll take the chicken any day.
Someone's put a pair of field boots in the closet too. I tug them on and don't even bother lacing them up.
I grab my lime-green bag filled with weapons and go looking for Gideon.
The kitchen is filled with noise when I walk in. Irin, Selia, and Lili are sitting in front of the wall-sized screen, staring intently at some massive catastrophe.
"Anyone see Gideon? I need to talk to him."
Every head bolts sideways to stare at me. They all glance back at the screen, then each other.
"What the fuck? Where's Gideon?"
Lili takes a shot at it. "Uh, Junco. You've been out for a couple days and they've all left to start raising the djeds."
"What the fuck is a jet?"
"D-j-e-d, Junco. The ancient Pillars."
"OK, so when will he be back? I really gotta—"
"Junco." Selia this time. "They're not coming back. Lili's supposed to take Irin to meet them at the sixth djed, and then Irin will raise it and I'll take you over to your Pillar and you'll finish the sequence."
Clearly I've missed a great deal during my psychotic incident and subsequent drugged stupor. I look up at the screen and I see a massive—something—near the ocean, the Aleutian Islands apparently from what the crawl says on the bottom of the screen. It cuts away to a split-screen to show tsunami warnings blaring across Tokyo.
The cause is a giant pillar, about a hundred miles wide if the data on the crawl is correct. And it looks as if it's self-assembling in real time, climbing up towards the sky. "Please tell me that is not a djed."
"It's a fucking djed, Junco." Irin's turn now. "Welcome to the Apocalypse. The first tsunami waves already washed out Kodiak Island and took out the entire Kenai Peninsula. Fucking awesome, isn't it? We got the Fallen Archer, the Goddess of Retribution, and now the Angel of Death. Tokyo might be underwater by morning. Millions of people annihilated."