My Last Testament

by George Milonas

  I then went on various websites and printed up hundreds of lists of Survivalist needs. I ordered three of everything. I must have spent over a hundred thousand dollars, and it was not enough. I needed more and more. I couldn't be satiated. I had to keep shopping and preparing. I couldn't sleep. I felt hung-over and afraid of every scenario.

  I was getting panicky that I wasn't doing enough. I had to get out and buy more. I took a shower and went back to Sam's Club. I waited in front of the door for the store to open, luckily for only 45 minutes. This time I went out of my house heavily armed. I had my . 45 in my belt and my 9mm on my left leg. I left my kid's aluminum bat in the car figuring I could get to it fast enough if I wanted.

  I concentrated on paper products this time: more toilet paper, more writing and printer paper, and more paper towels. I bought pens and inks, and I saw books. I freaked out a second. How could my kids learn without books? I had to order textbooks by the truck load. I ran out of there and drove home as quickly as possible. I proceeded to order hundreds and hundreds of textbooks up to and including the graduate level in virtually every specialty I could possibly remember. Hitting 'put in cart' became second nature. I was an addict, and I couldn't stop. I kept telling myself that it was for the good of my family as I ran up all my credit cards to the max.

  After I ordered thousands of MREs, or meals ready to eat, the credit card companies finally called. They thought multiple people had stolen my credit cards. I reassured them it was all my doing. I heard confusion on the other end. The person had obviously never had somebody order a quarter of a million dollars of goods before in such a short period of time. He thought I was crazy. I had never been saner. I finally knew exactly what I should do. I needed to stock up on anything I could use for the next several years. Always, what I feared most was that I would forget something. I ordered things just because someone somewhere might need it eventually. I figured there would be absolutely no way to get it in the future. I had to assume that.

  I had always been a terrible sleeper. Now I was napping exclusively. I was getting irritable at anyone who questioned me. I was fidgety from all the caffeine and forgetful. I was walking around stressed and snapping at people for breathing. I did this for weeks. My wife first thought I was having an affair but soon realized I never left the house. Then she thought I was on drugs, and I could understand her misdiagnosing me. I was acting like I was taking meth or coke. Jen then started panicking when the mail order goods started pouring into the property. We didn't have any place to put it. Then she got a call from the credit card companies herself which caused her to freak- especially when she found out the amounts.

  She had had it with me. She sat down and told me to stop. I told her everything was just fine. My giggling at her concerned demeanor freaked her out instead. I scared the crap out of her. She started crying and didn't stop for days. Unfortunately I couldn't comfort her. I had work to do. She moped around the house and looked for a way to engage me in a normal conversation. It didn’t work. I was way too self-involved right now. At the beginning she tried to remain encouraging like a good wife. That didn’t last long. She was living with a nut, or so she thought.

  Finally at work, the shit hit the fan. I fell asleep inside a patient. I was in the middle of removing a guy's lung when I literally toppled into his open chest. The nurse had to physically push me up and out of him. This woke me up, and I went on to fix him without any ill effects to either of us. The Chief of Surgery, one of my good friends, disagreed. He had heard rumors of how I was acting. He didn’t believe a word of it. Now that he saw me he was sure that I was taking drugs. He had me pee in a cup which showed nothing obviously. I was fine. He disagreed. He gave me two weeks leave. I was about to protest when I realized that it would leave me more time to supervise the completion of my fortress. I told him I was going to take a month off instead and smiled. I obviously unnerved him because he flinched backward like I was going to hit him. Why were people acting this way? I was fine. I left, never planning on returning to my work. I figured it would all come to a head soon enough.

  When I got home, there were workers completing the fence. It looked impenetrable. The greenhouse people had just finished the large structure and were beginning to plant all the fruits and vegetables that I would need. I had them install solar heaters to keep the glass house as warm as possible. I made it as massive as I could, given the constraints of the yard. Hopefully I would get at least three seasons a year to use them. At the rear of the place, the chicken coops and the barn was going in. Soon, the animals would be arriving. This was awesome. I had multiple deer stands throughout the property installed too. It would be nice to be able to fire without fear of getting pulled off by some walking undead, and they were the best I could find too. They had a nice covered shelter above so I could stay out of the elements. They even had heaters! I was so proud.

  ************

  As I pulled in, I saw my wife crying and yelling at the truck driver who was just pulling in toward the house. I saw it was a semi filled with literally tons of supplies. Jen was screaming at them to turn around and leave. I pulled up and smiled. Everything was just fine. She saw me and ran into the house. I had the men unload the stuff into the basement. Five hundred dollars and they were glad to do it. I just paid them more than what they earned in a typical full day's work. I didn't care. It was only paper. I had changed everything valuable into gold and silver a week ago. The metal was stored in a walk-in safe in the basement. It took them several hours to unload, which gave my wife even more time to stew.

  Everything was going according to plan. I looked at the large windows on the first floor of the house. They were beautiful and now potentially deadly. They were vulnerable. I freaked out at how vulnerable to attack the house was. I immediately thought, ‘Oh God, we have to move.’ I thought about it a second and had an epiphany. I then laughed out loud. Everybody started to stare at me. I continued to laugh. I stopped caring. I realized I could install custom hurricane shutters on them which would guarantee no break-ins. I would padlock them shut so that I could open them when I saw fit, and I could use it as extra insulation too. It was brilliant. Nothing could stop me!

  The phone rang. I answered it in a good mood. It was my good friend. I was happy that she made it out of Mongolia in one piece. I laughed out loud startling the people around me. What was wrong with these people? They were going to give me a complex if they kept this up. I had feelings you know.

  "Alex, I'm so happy to hear from you. I assume everything went well?" For a moment I started to freak out about having to return everything I had just bought. I almost went into a blind panic at the thought.

  "John, I only get to make this one phone call on my sat phone. I'm not in the country." She let that sink in for a second. She sounded frazzled. She continued, "My 'colleagues' are monitoring my situation and are taking care of me". She was talking slowly and emphasizing every word. She was trying to speak so she didn't get in trouble. My heart started to hurt. I couldn't believe this.

  I interrupted, "Are you sick or injured?" I hoped for a denial. I heard silence on the other end and then I heard angry murmurings from 'someone else'. Somebody else was talking to Alex, and they were royally pissed off. Then I heard silence again.

  I saw my wife walk up to me. She was obviously angry at me and was about to curse me for something. I had seen that look before. I felt her wrath though and knew that I could take it. What was the worst that she could do honestly? I put up my finger and told my wife to just listen. I turned on the speaker of my iphone instead. She heard silence.

  And then Alex screamed. "I've been bitten! They're in Mexico. We're..." And then I heard two gun shots. The blood drained from my face. Jen looked at me confusedly. I heard someone hang up the phone.

  I stared at Jen. "They killed Alex." I was in complete disbelief, but I knew in my heart that whoever they were, their solution was to just simply execute her. I felt cold and clammy and more than a bit woozy. They had just kil
led my friend.

  I saw Jen's eyes bug out. She knew of my relationship with Alex. She had been worried about us until she finally met her and realized how incredibly unattractive Alex was. I saw a tear run down her face. My own tears started. I hugged her close for a few minutes. I brought her inside and sat down on the couch with her. I explained everything to her. It took me ten minutes. She listened patiently without saying a word. I felt I owed it to her to finally tell her the truth. I talked and talked and I made perfect sense.

  When I finished she yelled, "Bullshit! You're fucking delusional. This can't fucking be true." She screamed, "You are fucking mentally ill, and you need help." She stormed off.

  I sat there staring into space. My friend was dead. She committed suicide to warn me. It kept echoing in my head that she was amazing. She was the best friend that I ever could desire. She let herself be killed for my family. I wouldn't let her sacrifice go to waste. I had to hurry and finish up my plans. I heard distinctly that 'they' were in Mexico. It was time for me to put a rush on things.

  My wife, I completely ignored. She was obviously distraught. She would eventually come around and believe. It was only a matter of time before she wised up and figured out the truth. I gave her some space to grieve Alex in her own way. I had to prepare.

  I went and checked on the workers. I offered cash if they sped everything up. They complied with this crazy man. They were obviously of the same opinion as my wife. They all thought me nuts. That was ok. People didn't mess with crazies.

  *******

  I rented a Ryder truck and went shopping. I literally bought everything I could find that even had a remote future use. I was getting desperate. I spent hours and hours going from store to store grabbing thousands of items. I finally pulled in to my newly fenced property after dark, exhausted beyond belief. I would have been pleased if I could see the fence. I couldn’t see a thing. It was pitch black outside. I realized I had to put in lights and buy night vision equipment. I would put it on my list for the morning.

  As I pulled in, I was greeted by the two new German shepherds that I bought the previous day. I'm glad they were alert. They were free to acquaint themselves to our new home now that the gates were in place. I patted their heads, and they went on their way patrolling.

  I drove to the front door, and I saw seven fancy cars parked in front of my house. Was there a party at my house? I couldn’t recall my wife mentioning it. Then again, I hadn’t actually been paying attention. I had no time for this shit. I had to unpack a full truck, and I was tired beyond belief. I could rest when I was dead. I had to save my family. It was the mantra in my head I kept reciting to keep going.

  I started to unload when my wife came out to talk to me. She kissed me, hugged me, and pulled me indoors. I was actually surprised by this. She had been so mad at me for so long I thought she was going to try and leave me soon. She led me to the living room. I looked around and marveled at how beautiful my home was. Then the thought went right out of my head. I panicked again. The soaring ceiling and huge windows were designed to bring in the outdoors. All I could see now was that it was a potential death trap. I pictured us getting attacked through the windows and felt a gnawing pain in my gut at the feeling. Thank God that the hurricane shutters would be installed the next day. I wouldn't feel safe until they were.

  I looked down and saw my friends seated on the couches. They smiled at me benignly which to me was a big warning sign. Usually people at parties mingled and talked. They didn’t all sit in a row and face the newcomer. They also usually verbally attacked me which was how I liked it. I knew immediately that bullshit was coming, and I didn’t like it on principle. I just didn't have time for this shit.

  I turned to go back outside. I found my wife barring my exit. She put her arms around me and hugged me. I became even more annoyed by that. I looked down and saw that she had a serious look on her face. I sighed. This was going to be ugly.

  My buddy, a psychiatrist named Jack Monroe, stood up and moved to shake my hand. He looked as bland as he could. I knew this was his Psychiatrist face that he normally saved for his nutjob patients. When he was at parties he was usually drunk and perverse.

  "John, we need to talk." He smiled.

  I groaned in return. I knew immediately with that one statement what this was about. "I don't need an intervention. I need to finish working. I have a truck load of supplies to bring into the house. My family comes first. Sorry." I turned and walked away. They ran after me. I heard the pounding of their shoes on the Italian Marble. I moved faster in my gym shoes than they could in their expensive Italian shoes. They couldn't quite make it in front of me fast enough and wound up outside with me.

  I opened the rear of the truck, and I heard them collectively gasp at all the boxes in the truck. It looked like I was moving in a new family. Row upon row of boxes were lined up from bottom to top all the way back to the cab. It was a lifetime of accumulated junk that I bought in a single afternoon. My wife must have forgotten to tell them about the spending.

  They all tried to speak at once and wound up saying nothing at all. I laughed at them. They looked foolish standing in the dark all dressed up and sincere about my plight. I was just fine.

  "I am fine you know. There is a reason for all this I swear. I'll make you a deal. If you help me bring in these boxes I'll fill you in and it will all make sense. Promise." I smiled benignly right back at Jack. He wasn't the only one that perfected his smile to patients. For some reason, they all took a step back like I was going to hit them. It wasn't the response that I was going for at all. I didn’t wait for them to reply. Instead I just started pulling out boxes and handing them out. They were heavier than these Doctor socialites were used to carrying. These people were weak, that was for sure. I'd have to fix that if they were going to survive.

  Reluctantly, they began to help. We carried the boxes inside and down to the finished basement which was now filled with supplies. It looked like a warehouse. They were floored by the sheer amount of work I had accomplished. I was actually proud of myself.

  After a half hour of back-breaking work along with some broken nails on the wives, we were done. I brought them inside back to the living room and sat down on my expensive couch. I was actually pleased with myself. I thought before this that I was going to be carrying boxes inside the house half the night. It’s amazing what you can accomplish with teamwork. Then I looked at the windows. I became instantly afraid again. It had better be fixed by the morning.

  I smiled at my friends and began the story with Alex calling me a couple of weeks back. I explained what she said and what I did about it. I went through lists of supplies that I bought. I explained my plans for our safety, and I let them know they were all welcome here when the shit hit the fan. I meant every word. I finished by telling them what she said and how she sacrificed for me and my family. I actually cried for her in front of them. I had never shown weakness before publicly.

  When I got myself under control, I looked at each and every one of them again individually. I locked eyes with them to let them know I was sincere. "My friends, I have a place for all of you and your families when the epidemic begins. I have food, shelter, power, communications, and unending water supply, and weapons to defend ourselves. You and your families are all welcome here." It was honest and definitely heartfelt. These were my friends after all. For my caring, I heard a snort from Rita, Jack's wife. It was not what I expected at all. Rita was hot which allowed her to pretty much say rude things to everyone around her. She obviously never had to learn common courtesy, and it showed. I saw Jack give her a dirty look. She giggled behind her hand. I saw a tear make its way down her eye. I went from sincere to energetically annoyed instantly. So much for my friends. I got up and walked out.

  Jack ran after me and tried to grab my arm. I spun him around and brought him down to his knees. He looked up at me scared. "Jack, your wife is a complete bitch. You keep her around because she is hot. Everybody hates her. You know that, everyb
ody knows that. Even you hate her. It would be a little tolerable if she gave you sex occasionally, but she doesn't. Why the fuck do you keep her around? I'll find you a better trophy." I let him go and walked outside to get some air. I needed it, or I was going to punch someone.

  After a few minutes I heard arguing from inside the house. The door opened and Jack walked out and stood next to me. He looked into the darkened property. I said nothing. He knew I was seething. I stared off into the distance ignoring him. I tried to calm myself before I did something really stupid.

  Finally, he spoke calmly. “I think that was a little harsh.” It was a touch condescending.

  I retorted, “It was nothing that you hadn’t told me a dozen times. Too bad you weren’t man enough to say it yourself.” I had him, and he knew it.

  “You’re right,” he said “I’m a coward. My wife is an ignorant bitch. I know that. But that doesn’t excuse the way you talked to her. You owe her an apology.” He looked at me like I was a child.

  I was in no mood for his psycho babble today. “Never, ever will I ever apologize to her. How’s that?” I stared right into his eyes. “I’m tired of changing my behavior to suit the most vocal, the angriest, and the most annoying. Every day I get lectured at work to change my behavior to accommodate those that have the least amount of respect for others. Be nice to them, or they’ll rate you badly. They’ll give you a bad reputation. Give them what they want, and they’ll come back for another visit. I’m through giving a fuck. It’s Psych 101. You enable bad behavior, and it’ll continue and escalate. They’ll treat you badly, and then do the same to your staff. It’s all bullshit and designed to maximize profit for the organization. But here’s the thing- I don’t want to maximize business profits. I want to do a good job. And if I’m forced to give assholes what they want rather than what they need, I’m doing them no favors.”

  I continued staring right through him, “And now you want me to do it in my own home. Fuck you. You’re a wimp, and your wife is abusive to you and everybody else. You’ve alienated yourself from all those around you because you tolerate her bad behavior. I’m through.”