Me (Moth)
Page 9
It helps to know there are lights
& noise close by, it makes me feel alive
alive.
My scar aches & wants to burst open.
I tuck my knees to my chin.
I won’t do it,
I won’t trust Sani with his lava hair,
campfire eyes & five finger grass tattoo
ever again.
He has to be doing
someone else’s bidding.
I danced
& he left,
just like
everyone else.
ALONE
I don’t know if Sani has been gone
for a day or two or three.
I have forgotten to count the moons
& I sleep in the car
& only think of the graveyard
of stars.
I think tomorrow is the day.
I’ll walk away,
to the Walmart.
Disappear.
NOTE LEFT IN SANI’S CAR
“All My Life,” a Song by Texada
I dedicate
this song
to you.
I was
the sticky filling
that survived
the crash
because I had to live
for this.
I think
there might have been
a line fating us to meet.
I think it was buried
red & bright in the earth,
strung from the Motherland
to the candy bar car.
It yanked me
hard enough
to fracture.
Soft enough
to make sure
I crossed your path.
Do you think
there is still a string
underground
connecting us?
When the car
crashed, did you feel
me shatter?
When you close
your eyes & play
& sing, do you feel
me dancing?
If I melt away,
reassemble wrong,
will you find me?
I am leaving.
It might be best.
Just promise me you’ll audition
& take your pills
& live, live, live.
HOW OUR WORLD WAS CREATED
I am halfway to Walmart,
tears making riverbeds
of my cheeks.
I am ready to disappear
when I hear Sani yelling
from the Wrangler.
I keep walking
on the side of the road.
He yells again, begs me to stop.
I keep walking.
He pulls off the road,
jumps out of the truck
& stands in front of me,
a cigarette dangling
between his soft lips.
I pause
& pause.
Sani has dark circles under his eyes.
I wish I could scrub them away with my sleeve
like I scrubbed away the lipstick
his mom left on his cheek
eons ago.
He collapses in front of me,
hand gripped around the note & the application.
Moth, honey, I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry.
I swallow hard.
I pull the cigarette from his mouth
& I put my hands firmly on his cheeks.
You have to want to take care of yourself, Sani!
I can’t keep convincing you!
Leave me alone!
& I leave.
BUT I COME BACK
I feel pulled too tight;
I find my way back
to Sani’s front door
& when he sees me
he holds me like
he will never ever
let me go again.
OUR FOURTH WORLD
We go on a night hike—
it is cooler, but the bugs hum too loud.
Sani says, You look different,
happy, blurry around the edges.
I say, You look different,
buzzing, thrumming like a guitar string.
Is this the Glittering World?
Sani says, I hope so. This is where I want to stay.
I am going to audition. I am going to try, Moth.
SANI: PEOPLE STAY AWAY
We stay far away
from the ring of fire,
blazing with people gathered.
We stand near a dry bush,
silent as snow hiding
from the sun.
Ends & strands of conversations
drift toward us …
So much for getting help.
Sani turns away.
His lava hair falls in his face
& I am glad he decided not to cut it.
But then there is music
& Sani’s eyes brighten.
You should practice,
go play something, I say. I’ll wait here.
Sani rocks on his heels,
steps toward the fire.
He is offered a guitar
& he plays
& sings in a
language I don’t know
while I dance
in the shadows.
I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THE (MYSTERY) PILLS ARE FOR …
What are the pills for, Sani?
I have a waterfall in my mind.
Should you take the pills, Sani?
& sometimes it pours over my eyes.
Want me to get your pills, Sani?
& makes the world tilt different.
Why are you crying, Sani?
More colorful, more vast.
Let me hold you, Sani?
They are for my mind.
I wonder why he threw them away (again) then.
SANI’S DAD INVITES US TO DINNER
To yell at us
while clutching the cloth of pills—
the ones Sani threw away.
Tell her, whoever she is, that you need these. Sani translates.
Tell her that if she cares about you,
she will make you take them, Sani translates.
Why is she so different
from the others? Sani’s dad yells.
Sani takes the pills.
Throws them back
in the trash.
She’s worth it!
You can’t audition acting like this!
his dad says.
Sani stands.
I stopped playing when you
left me.
I started singing again
because of Moth!
She makes you sicker, Sani!
Can’t you see how you avoid the world?
His dad storms out the front door,
which swings back & forth
& back & forth
even though
there is no breeze.
WE HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE
Sani’s dad is gone for
one
six
ten breaths
before he rushes back in
& stands in front of us
like he has seen a ghost.
SKETCH ME
Sani’s dad slams the table.
I feel the earthquake of it in my spirit.
He scrambles around the kitchen
until he finds a pencil & a paper.
He says, Does she know you can draw?
Sketch her, Sani.
Sani holds the pencil,
smiles at me through blurry eyes
& begins.
& I don’t
& I don’t
& I don’t
understand why sketching
makes him cry.
SANI’S DAD IS A MEDICINE MAN WHOSE FATHER KNEW A HOODOO MAN
Sani’s dad opens a drawer,
cradles a photo between
his shaking hands
before he gently places
the image on the table
next to Sani’s sketch.
My fingers grow toward it.
Sani’s fingers beat me to it.
Why do you have a photo of Moth? he asks.
Sani’s dad whispers:
Her grandfather
gave it to me
a long time ago.
She feels different
because this was planned.
This is Hoodoo work.
I stare at the photo; flat
against the oak,
my gray-bearded grandfather’s
hand atop my head, smiling—
making his wrinkles deeper.
His father turns the photo over—
My friend, I know I ask too much,
but if your son can help her home,
she’ll teach him how to live.
I don’t know how Grandfather knew
I would run away with a boy
with waterfall hair
& campfire eyes.
GRANDFATHER LEFT A LETTER FOR ME
You will have trouble crossing
from here to there.
Such is often the way with crossings,
but you can’t stay here, in your cocoon.
Moth, you must live big,
grow sturdy wings
that can fly you
to a different sky.
I hear Grandfather chanting—
The ancestors are with you, Moth,
you are never alone.
I taught you. You have magic in your bones.
Open your eyes, open your eyes,
I would never leave you trapped—defenseless.
Go to the crossroads
& walk north home.
THE ROOT OF THE ROOT
I look up: I don’t understand—
home is east.
Sani’s face fractures.
He rips at his hair.
How dare he.
He yells.
How dare he.
I am wispy,
on the verge of fainting.
I don’t understand.
Please explain.
Sani’s dad grabs Sani,
who crumbles like a landslide into him.
His dad cries, He knew you had a gift.
He knew what would happen.
If I did not agree,
she would have roamed forever
& you would have folded inward into nothing.
I never thought it would work.
I am fragile,
on the verge of running.
I don’t understand.
Sani heaves & looks up at me:
I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe.
I feel gone,
like a shadow.
I don’t understand.
But Sani keeps crying.
I want to reach for him,
but he slips through my fingers.
HUMMINGBIRD MOTH
Sani is the moon & something keeps me
from fluttering to him—
I am trapped in a jar,
watching Sani
storm & wail
in his father’s arms.
His father says,
One day the five finger grass
appeared on your skin.
Like an omen.
Sani lifts his head,
eyes darting,
he reaches out
for my hand,
but he can’t seem to grasp it.
Moths are both omens
& miracles.
My scar inches open
& open
& open.
& OPEN
There was a crash
& the car split in two
& we fell out
like sticky centers
of candy bars.
& OPEN & OPEN
Sani’s face is fracturing;
fault lines collect
as though an earthquake
has erupted somewhere deep in him.
I am being selfish.
You have to leave, Moth.
Is your father mad?
You have to leave.
I don’t have a way home.
You have to leave, Moth.
But I love you?
& OPEN & OPEN & OPEN
Sani breaks at the knees
& hits the ground.
You’re my heart, Moth. (Sani hits his chest.)
I love you, but you have to leave.
Why?
(I think I know why.)
Because you’re not real, Moth—your ashes are in a vase.
I am right here.
(I sometimes float away,
I sometimes misplace entire weeks.)
You’re a ghost.
I said I won’t leave you.
(I’ll haunt you if you let me.)
You have to leave.
“Summer Song” lyric: Darling, let me haunt you.
“Summer Song” lyric: Honey, I can’t.
There is a whole lot of heaven
waiting for you.
TRUTH
Call
me
(Moth)
*
Call
me
(GHOST)
MOTH:
a) nocturnal butterfly
b) night hunter
c) ghost
(Moth) There is a whole lot of heaven
waiting for you.
—Gray-Bearded Grandfather
(Rootworker)
THIS MORNING …
I woke up dead.
I WOKE UP DEAD
I Woke Up Dead
I Woke Up Dead
I Woke Up Dead
I Woke Up Dead
I Woke Up Dead
I Woke Up Dead
I Woke Up Dead
I Woke Up Dead
I Woke Up Dead
I Woke Up Dead
I can’t understand
why my chest keeps thinking
it has to move up & down—
if I am already
gone
gone
gone.
HOODOO FABLE
I woke up dead,
intention gone wolf.
I fell into the wind & let it support
the soles of my weightless feet.
I forgot every spell, I braided my hair,
I grew it out, green & terrible.
Everything moves to ash in my mouth.
I kept morning rituals (wash, brush, talk),
but no one saw me.
I accidently haunted Aunt Jack.
I picked up things that are not easy
to drop.
A life. A boy.
Things from which I can’t loosen my grip:
a boy who my Hoodoo grandfather
knew had a gift for seeing the dead.
No one tells you
you can fall in love
for the first time
when you are already
gone.
SPHINX MOTH
Sani is precise. He sees
past the veil.
He sees me.
I gasp for air I don’t need:
No one ignored me
because no one saw me.
No one sees the sphinx next to the trio
of giant pyramids.
I’ve been entombed
in the dirt.
Covered in dust,
growing wings
only to leave?
TRUTH: ACCIDENT.
When the car split in half like a candy bar
& we (Mom & Dad & brother & I)
fell onto the pavement like sticky filling,
we all made it to the hospital.
Aunt Jack prayed & prayed, but there
was only enough prayer for one of us to walk out.
(Only Aunt Jack walked out.)
My
wild heart didn’t think it could die.
So I stayed
& punished myself
for living.
& now I can’t stop falling
falling
falling.
SANI FINDS (GHOST ME)
I see ghosts.
Like me.
Nothing like you.
Like me?
Not alive. But nothing like you.
That is why you left here?
Yes.
That is what the pills are for?
Why your mind is always busy?
Why you always feel so heavy?
Yes. I feel all the sadness.
Music helps?
Music abandoned me
until you came along.
Will you miss me?
Yes.
Will you audition?
Promise.
Do I have to go?
Yes.
No.
Yes. Honey, yes. I am so sorry.
DRIVE TO THE CROSSROADS
It turns out
when you step out of a cocoon,
you can step out
less alive
but light enough to fly.
It turns out
there is enough
magic & love
in the universe
to mold
your own death mask
but not fully die.
(MOTH) NATURAL HISTORY
It’s never the song.
It’s the movement of gray notes stacked
over dark matter.
My voice a whisper to everyone except myself.
Is there a light? A moon to follow, farther down in my center.