by T. L Smith
She salutes me, walking away. I carry Milanka to our room, laying her on the bed. She doesn’t let me go, she holds onto me when I place her down.
“He was sick.”
“Don’t make excuses for him, Milanka.”
She shakes her head, letting go, and she winces as she does, then pulls her shirt up. “It doesn’t look deep, just a surface cut I think.”
“Do you want my babies, Connick?”
“Is this the right time for those questions, Milanka?”
“Is there ever a good time?” she asks.
“I don’t want kids,” is all I tell her.
Harlin walks in, saving me from more conversation. I start cleaning her wound and then dressing it. She asks for some pain medication for her headache, and I go fetch it for her, taking Harlin out of the room with me.
“Maybe you should have said you’d think on it.”
“What?”
“The kid part… you should have said, I don’t know. You just upset her.”
“I don’t lie to her.”
Harlin laughs then stands back from me. “I’ll get rid of his body. Go and make up for your fuckhead brother.”
Getting her some medicine, I wait until Harlin is gone before I walk back to our room. When I step inside, Milanka’s packing her things, flinching when she pulls her stomach.
“What are you doing, Milanka?”
“I need to leave.”
I take the bag from her. “No. You don’t. You need rest. Get back in the bed.”
She shakes her head. “I need to work out… really work out… if this is what I want. I love you, that’s obvious. But I had a taste of it, Connick, of what it feels like to love something you didn’t even know you wanted. I didn’t want kids, it scared me more than you did. But I can see it, I can see kids. I’m sure I won’t be as bad a mother as she was. I think I could be better.”
“You would be.”
“See, you say all the right things then the wrong things at the same time. You take my feelings and swing them around like a father swings his child making them dizzy. I know I’m no better, but fuck. My life this year has been hell. You made some of that hell. Not all of it was Derrick, you contributed to it, too. I can forgive you for it, I know I can, I partially have. What can I expect from you, though? Will you love me? Will you want to have a family? Marriage even… maybe… one day?”
I stare at her and her words, they’re a lot to take in. Most I don’t have answers for, actually none right now. “Stay.”
“See, you don’t even know. You want me here because you enjoy me.” Her hand touches my face. “I enjoy you as well, Connick. You bring strength to me, something I never knew I had. I can conquer so much with you by my side. You’re a feeling of empowerment, powerfulness, toughness. I could get through anything in this world with you in it.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“It’s not enough. I never wanted more. Don’t you think it’s time I want more than what I’ve always gotten? I’ve settled for a shitty life because a shitty life was all I knew.” My hand touches her face, it’s bruising, and I hate that he hurt her. Again.
“I won’t push you away again, Milanka.”
“I know, I’m pushing you away for now. Just for a little while. Just while I think. Is that okay?”
“As long as you come back to me.”
“I’m afraid I won’t have a choice in that matter.” She leans in and kisses my lips. I can taste the blood from her lip, but that doesn’t stop me. My hand grips her cheek not wanting to hurt her, but not wanting to push her away either.
“Stay,” I whisper against her lips. She doesn’t answer, just continues to kiss me, taking parts of me like they’re hers in the first place. I’ll give it to her, all of it. Because I love her. Fuck, I love her.
How the fuck did that happen?
It shocks me so much that I can’t form the words I need to say as I watch her pull her lips away from mine. She gives them to me willingly now, those kisses, even if they are few and far between. I could steal her kisses as I’ve stolen her heart if only she would let me.
Chapter 24
Milanka
I’ve been hurt, it feels like a never-ending cycle, one that’s done with for good now. I’ll never see Derrick’s face again, never be hurt by his hand again. My hands shake all the way home, and my stomach screams with pain. I can still feel the knife digging in ever so slowly. It was like he wanted to take his time, carve me without permanently damaging me. Lifting my shirt when I come to a stop, the bandage Connick put on is filled with blood. Surface wounds bleed more or, so I am told. Is it possible for me to live a normal life? One not filled with demons and evil men. Is it possible for me to be happy without those that had once cared for me and were destined to hurt me?
All the men around me have inflicted pain in one way or another. Derrick with his actions, Connick with his words. They hurt the most, they’ve struck me the most. I could see his worry tonight as he looked at me, I could see his anger as his fists came down hard on Derrick’s face. It was pure anger, I’ve never seen him like that before. I know he’s not a calm man, one with no hidden demons. He has them, of that I’m sure. But he tells me, lays it all bare when I confront him, he just doesn’t give it willingly.
Walking into my house, my eyes track to the bathroom, the same one that took a part of me. It hurts my heart to think of it, and the things it does to my soul are unimaginable.
My life started moving forward, I felt it. Then it got dragged back again tonight. I was working, doing something that actually brought me enjoyment. I finally had some peace with Connick. It was a good few weeks until tonight. Now, I need time to mend, because I’m coming first. I have said it to him and I mean it.
I start cleaning, it’s the only thing I can do to try and clear my mind. It hurts every time I bend to scrub something. Actually, it hurts almost every time I move, but I don’t care, the pain is a reminder that I’m still alive and breathing. My hands shake with every movement I make, my heart beats out of my chest with every breath I take, but I need this. Closing my eyes, I try my hardest to calm that heart of mine. The cleaning is helping distract me from what the world is doing or what’s going on around me. And before I know it, I’ve smashed a vase on my counter, and tears are dripping down my face. The cuts on my stomach are aching. Everything hurts.
Then I take another breath, trying to push it all back. Now it’s all finally over for me, this is peace, I should be happy that I am no longer there with him. I wish my body knew that.
Time goes fast, so fast that soon my house is spotless. I’ve cleaned everything. Placed my mother’s photos from her in my box, in my closet. One day I will burn that box and the memories it holds, but right now I’m not ready. Laying on my bed with the sun shining through, I sleep, letting the demons in. With wet cheeks, a sore stomach and a broken heart, I sleep.
My bed has been good to me, two days’ worth of good to me. My wounds are healing, and I can move without scorching pain ripping through me now. I haven’t turned my cell on, I haven’t answered the door when people have come to bang on it. The only person I called was my boss, who didn’t expect me in for a few days anyway as he had no bookings. He told me to take the week off, but I need to get out.
As I move to open the front door, there are two things on my step—my camera, and roses. Picking them both up, I place the roses inside and take my camera with me. Harlin’s house isn’t too far from mine, and I’m glad to see her bike parked out front when I arrive. Knocking on her door, a man answers wearing only jeans, his chest is completely covered in tattoos, his hair blond as well as his beard. He scratches his junk as he stands in front of me and his eyes wander up and down.
“What do you want?”
“Is Harlin here?”
He looks behind him and then his eyes come back to me. “She’s preoccupied.” His smile is mischievous.
“Oh okay, can you tell her Milanka stopped by, ple
ase.” Looking at him one more time to make sure he understood, I turn to walk away.
“Tart.” Her voice comes through the door. I turn, and there she is, naked, smiling and leaning on the man that’s still watching me.
“You’re busy, I can come back.” I wave her off.
She shakes her head. “No, come in, I’ve finished.” She laughs and walks back inside, the man stands in the doorway blocking my way as I go to follow her. His eyes stick to mine, and for a moment I think he’s going to say to something, then he moves to the side to let me pass, but not far enough away so I have to touch him when I walk in. Harlin sits on her couch with her legs crossed and pulls on a shirt.
“I stopped by your house yesterday, you didn’t answer.”
“I was sleeping.”
Her head drops to the side as she smirks at me. “I call bullshit. You do this thing where you like to hide. Don’t deny it.”
“I’m good at hiding.”
“You are.” She lights a smoke, leaning back and turning on the television. “Want to get drunk?”
I start to shake my head, then I stop. “Sure.” She hands me something in a glass bottle she’s pulled from the fridge, and I place it at my lips, drink a sip and almost spit it back out.
“You haven’t tasted beer before?” Her eyebrows raise in suspicion.
“I haven’t drunk before.”
“You have to be kidding me. Really? Is it because of your mother? I met her once, she loved the drugs.” Nodding my head, she smiles. “You’re nothing like her. Don’t think because you want to indulge in the pleasures of life you’ll end up like her. If we all thought that, I would be a good Christian girl.”
“Your parents were Christians?”
“Yep, and not the good kind either. The ones that like to mark your skin and think everything you do is an act of sin.”
“Are they, well… are they alive?”
“I haven’t killed them, no. Yes, they’re still live. I haven’t spoken to them, though, in a very long time.”
Taking another sip, I try not to spit it back out.
“Who do you have to support you?”
“Why would I need anyone?”
“We all need someone.”
Her lips form a straight line. “How long has it been… before Connick did you have someone, Milanka?”
“I don’t have Connick.”
She clucks her tongue at me. “Lies. You have him, and it confuses you. Because he was not loyal. And now that he is loyal, you aren’t used to loyal.”
“I tried before the lies took hold.”
“Yes, I know, but don’t you think you have punished him enough? I’m not here to say you should take him back if that’s not what you wish to do. I’m just telling you to make up your fucking mind.”
Taking another sip, I almost drink the rest of the bottle in one go. She hands me another and has one for herself. The man comes in and sits next to Harlin, touching her bare thighs.
“Your friend come to join us?”
Harlin looks at me and smiles at my state of panic. “No. You can also fuck off now, too.”
“Our fun isn’t over yet.”
She pushes him off her, and he stands swearing at her as he walks to the front door.
“So let’s have some fun.” She turns on her music and opens another beer, drinking it faster than the one before that. I try to do the same, but can’t stomach the taste of it. Two and a half are all I can manage to drink before I feel the full effects it has on me. Harlin is dancing around the room still partially naked as I try to stand. It’s dark by the time she stops dancing.
We hear a knocking sound and Harlin runs to the door, opens it, then comes back to continue her dancing. She doesn’t stop as Connick walks in, doesn’t stop when he sits down next to me. My body wants to turn toward him, to touch him.
“You’re attracted to her wildness, aren’t you?” His voice is still loud even over the music as he speaks to me.
“Her truth.” I turn back to look to Harlin and watch her dance and the way she moves. Another song comes on and I can still feel his eyes on me. Turning, I watch him staring, and I don’t know what to say.
“How are you healing?”
Before I can answer him, Harlin pulls me up by my arms as I’m staring at him with the answer on my lips, but nothing comes so I go with her. We dance in her living room like I used to see the teenagers do at Derrick’s parties. They always looked so carefree and like they were having fun. It’s exactly like that, except I have the eyes of a man, a very handsome man, a very powerful man, watching my every move.
“Connick, show her your moves.”
My hands are on my hips, but they become replaced by his. I know Connick’s touch, I have it memorized. Our bodies connect, my back to his front, his hands cover my hips, being careful to not touch my stomach as he holds me and rocks his hips back and forth. His touch does things to me that shouldn’t be happening. I haven’t wanted sex for quite some time now. Not just due to what’s happened to me, but because I’m scared of what it will do to me.
Will it take me straight back to that person I was?
The addiction for it was so strong, I think it could be worse than any other drug on this planet.
My addiction to Connick is out of this world.
“I’ve missed you.” His voice is raspy in my ear. “You’re drinking. Why are you drinking?”
I ignore his question, turning around, so our bodies are even closer, front to front.
His hands clasp my ass as he squeezes. “I’ve missed you,” he says again. I nod my head into his chest and let my hands roam up and down his perfect suit, feeling all of him underneath it. How could I have possibly stayed away, it’s a stupid thing to do. He’s my weakness, as much as I am his.
“If you’re going to fuck, please get a room. Unless you want me to join.” Harlin’s laugh follows her words as Connick growls in my ear.
“I have missed you, too,” I whisper to him, while ignoring Harlin.
“You will come back with me… live with me.”
It’s not a question, but I feel the need to answer him anyway. “Yes.” Pulling away, I look him dead in the eye. “Space didn’t really happen, did it?” I want to laugh, I asked for it after all. Yet, here I am in his arms.
“I’m the last person you need space from, you will always be number one to me Milanka, remember that.”
He starts to pull me away from Harlin and toward the door. I turn back to her, waving as she gives me the finger then laughs as I’m picked up and carried out the door.
“Fuck all night… for me,” Harlin’s loud voice comes through.
“Go to fucking sleep, Harlin,” Connick’s voice booms over me. A laugh leaves my mouth as he holds me up around my ass, careful not to put any pressure on my stomach. I wonder if he knows he’s doing it, being so careful without any knowledge of doing so.
Chapter 25
Connick
Her hand touches mine as I drive, she giggles when my hand sneaks up her thigh. Turning into my driveway, I wait for her to ask to turn back and to not come here ever again, but no words leave her lips. Getting out of the car, I walk around to let her out. She slides across to me without any hesitation. Opening the door of my house, the floor is cleaned of blood. Not just hers, his as well. She stops and looks at the spot where she was pinned to the floor, but doesn’t say anything as I take her hand, leading her up to the bedroom. Some of her stuff is still here, and I never intend to get rid of it. She lets go and walks around, her hand dragging on the dresser that holds both our clothes, then she turns to look at me.
“Do you love me, Connick?” Her hand stays to her side, her posture eager and waiting for my answer.
“I do.”
Milanka’s steps to me feel like they take ages until she finally reaches me. Her hand comes up to touch my shoulder, she grabs it, kisses my neck then pulls back.
“Say it.” Her green eyes pin mine with her stare.
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“I love you, Milanka.”
She smirks at me. “Was that so hard? I don’t have a knife on me today, so I’m not forcing it out of you.”
“You could never force me to say what I don’t want.”
She laughs and nods her head. “This is true. But now you’ve said it… how does it feel?” Her hand touches my heart as she speaks.
“It feels the same, Milanka. You are here, that’s all I want.”
“If only life were that easy.”
My hands cascade around to her ass and lift her up, so she wraps them around me. She winces in a small amount of pain and I lay her on the bed to ease it. The minute my hands are off of her, she starts undressing, removing her clothes. Milanka’s stomach is still bandaged, but she doesn’t seem to care that it’s causing her pain at all. I begin removing my clothes as well, not intending to fuck her but to go to sleep. She isn’t thinking straight right now, and adding sex to the mix will only complicate things. As soon as my pants are off, she’s naked and leaning back on her elbows, staring up at me. I wish right now I was a holy man of some sort that could easily turn away from looking at her, but she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and her laying on my bed waiting for me isn’t helping that fact at all. Turning to switch off the light, I walk to my side of the bed and get in. I feel her move, so she’s beside me.
“You don’t want me?” she asks, not touching me, but her voice sounds sad.
“Of course I want you, but you’re injured.”
I feel her turn in the bed, her ass coming into contact with my side, and she reaches for my arm, pulling me over so it tucks under her arm as she holds it, then places it on her breast. She pushes back into my already hard cock.
“We can fuck soft,” she whispers.
I don’t do soft.
I only do hard.
But I don’t want to hurt her.
“You won’t hurt me.” She pushes back again, rubbing on me. My free hand reaches between us, and she opens her thighs just enough for me to slide straight in. She starts breathing heavily, and my hips begin moving along with hers. Her hand squeezes hard on my own, while my other hand squeezes her breast. She pulls my fingers off placing them in her mouth and sucks one until it pops out, then places it between her legs on her clit. Milanka starts rubbing herself with my own hand as I fuck her from behind, careful not to go too fast or hard in my efforts to not hurt her.