by Ashlee Price
Love you always and forever,
Mom
Jenna laughed as she folded the piece of paper up and slid it back into the pile “How many of these are there?”
“Looks like a few hundred pieces of paper. I only read that one, and when I saw it was to you, I figured I’d leave the rest for you to go through.”
Jenna got up from his lap as she took the bundle from his hands. “You know, these are the kinds of letters you won’t go to jail for reading. It’s not a felony to open up mail that’s been written in your own house. It’s not, right?”
Paul laughed. “I don’t think so, but those are for you. You read them, and if there are any you absolutely want me to read, I will.”
“Thanks, Daddy.” She kissed him on his forehead and took her newfound treasure up to her room. She spent the rest of the day sorting through the papers, putting them in order by date. She put one pile off to the side. Those dates were painfully familiar, and those letters were by far the thickest. She wasn’t sure if she should read them first, save them for last, or not open them at all. Crumbling into a ball of tears wasn’t in her plans with her birthday right around the corner. But she refused to be cowardly. She dove into the heavy pile first:
January 8th, 2012
Dearest Jenna-Marie,
We played basketball last week. You won that game, and while I wanted to tell you I wasn’t at 100%, I didn’t want to miss it. The time when teenage daughters don’t want to do things with their mothers is fast approaching. I have to tell you that I haven’t been at 100% for a while now, but I want a rematch anyway, and don’t think because you beat me before you can do it again. Your momma’s still got it!
But enough with the fluff. I know things have been kind of tight, but I promise it’s all going to get better when we open this bar. Your dad and I just had to take this chance. We hate our jobs and it’s killing us, our marriage. We’re so unhappy working for other people. There’s nothing wrong with that, but if you know deep down inside that what you’re doing isn’t making you happy, then don’t do it. Please only do things that make you happy. BE RESPONSIBLE, but put your happiness first.
Love you always and forever,
Mom
Jenna breathed a sigh of relief and moved that letter into the pile with the others. That one hadn’t been so heavy after all, so she moved on to the next:
February 14th, 2012
Dearest Jenna-Marie,
I write this letter to you from my hospital bed. You and your dad went through so much to make this Valentine’s Day special, and I was so weak I couldn’t even make it to the car. You were so mad at me when we spoke on the phone that I didn’t have the heart to tell you why I ruined Daddy’s surprise. He says he’s going to talk to you, but I sure wish you would have just come to the hospital. Stubborn and pigheaded, just like me I guess.
I know you and Tanner worked hard on getting all of the adults to his house, and I really do wish we could be there, but I just can’t. I don’t want you to hate me, but I don’t want you to know how sick I really am, either. Daddy says he’s going to tell you, but I made him swear he’d wait until the summer. I’m hoping to be better by then so we won’t have to have that stupid talk in the first place. Please forgive me, my Jenna-Marie. I don’t want you to worry.
Love you always and forever,
Mom
The tears started falling as Jenna remembered how irritated—and rude—she’d been that Valentine’s Day. The spots on the paper showed her where her own mother’s tears had fallen, and she debated whether or not to read the rest of the pile. With a deep breath, she closed her eyes and picked one randomly:
July 5th, 2014
Dearest Jenna-Marie,
Watching you celebrate this Independence Day with your friends in the yard was wonderful. Even though I couldn’t be outside with you all, watching through the window was good enough. At least I made it to graduation, right?
The look in your eyes is one of the reasons we waited so long to tell you. You seem sad all of the time when your friends aren’t around, and even when they are, it’s like you’re forcing your joy. I don’t want to be the reason you’re sad, but I know that’s a lot to ask. Thinking about my own mother, I’d be inconsolable if something happened to Gram.
Don’t blame her for not being around or coming here. Leave that to Dad. She’s had to watch her husbands die, her friends, and I can’t imagine what it must feel like to watch her only child wither away. That’s what I feel like, like I’m a pile of ashes being blown into the wind. So frail, so much pain, and I wish you to know that all of this will be over soon. I don’t think I’m getting better, so the next letters will be my advice to you as you enter into womanhood and discover the magnificent human you’re destined to be.
My heart breaks when I think of all I’m going to miss. But right now I’ll just smile as you dance in the lawn with your friends. With your bags and boxes packed in Daddy’s truck, I’m not ready to say goodbye. Not yet.
Love you always and forever,
Mom
“Holy crap, I can’t do this,” Jenna sniffled. She knew what was coming next, and it was something she didn’t want to relive any more than she already had. She remembered her freshman and sophomore years of college. A train wreck catastrophe of chaos was all that came to mind. “Okay just one more.”
She pulled out one of the letters from her freshman year:
May 24, 2015
Dearest Jenna-Marie,
I can’t stand how tired I am all of the time. You came home and dashed out of here so fast. But let me tell you, that Michael fella is bad news. What kind of young man doesn’t greet your father with a handshake? He told me all about it. He’s very upset and doesn’t think he’s any good for you. Why couldn’t you make things work with Tanner? He’s so sweet, and he brings me flowers the first Sunday of every month like clockwork. Dad may have fussed at him, but he’s a good kid.
I just want you to make good decisions. I just want you to be responsible and stay focused on graduating. As I sit in this stale room, I wish… I wish I wasn’t here. I wish I could be your mother the way you need me to be. I’m just too tired.
My next bit of advice will be in the male department. Hold a man to his word. A man who will break his word will most definitely break your heart. Please choose your happiness first, and don’t let anyone distract you from your dreams.
Love you always and forever,
Mom
Mike had already been cheating on her by the time her mother had written that letter. She had been oblivious and disgustingly naive. One of his many flings had actually borrowed textbooks from her.
“That’s all for now, Mom. I want to be happy. You always told me to be happy. These letters aren’t going to make me happy!”
“But they will give you some closure,” her dad whispered from the doorway. He held up a pile of his own. “Seems like she left me a few too.”
“Dad, why did it take you so long to find these?” She sighed and rubbed her reddened, wet cheeks.
“I tossed all of that stuff in that trunk and refused to open it. I had all the important papers and documents. I didn’t want to read anything else. I didn’t want to see our memories in that moment. It all hurt too much.”
“I get it, Dad. This is too heavy for me. I’m going to lose my mind if I go through all of these tonight. Can we just order a pizza or something and watch movies?”
“Sure thing, Jenna. Whatever you want.”
Chapter 18
Hannah sounded like she was hyperventilating as she blubbered, “I, I, I, I can’t believe she did thisssss! And you, and you, and you weren’t talking to her for Valentine’s Day! I remember that! You didn’t speak to her until almost Easter!”
“It wasn’t that long!” Jenna said, snatching the letter out of her hand. They’d been going through her mother’s letters along with their high school diaries and yearbooks. There were
so many times they were fighting, and if Jenna would have known, she would never have picked those battles.
Hannah’s face was just as red and just as wet as Jenna’s had been the first time she read through all of those letters. She couldn’t believe her mother had had the foresight to write it all down. But it was probably much easier to write it than to live it through it and talk about it too.
“What are you going to do with all of them?” Hannah asked. Her hands grazed the pieces of paper scattered around Jenna’s bed.
“I don’t know. I was thinking of having them laminated and put into a book or something. It would be nice to keep them around. To remind me when I’m being so stubborn and pigheaded… not to be.”
“That’s so sweet.” Hannah’s tears reignited, pouring down her face again.
“We have to get out of here before you make me start crying all over again,” Jenna told her, pulling her off the bed.
“Go ahead and cry. I don’t mind at all. Or is it because Tanner won’t be here to hug you and not ask questions that you don’t want to answer?”
Jenna rolled her eyes. “Will you get over that already? I told you I was sorry. Grief isn’t something you control. Believe me, I tried. It was much easier for me to be normal, if that’s what you want to call it, up at school because it was just me there. Nothing, nobody from Doveport was there to remind me of what I’d lost. But here, it comes in waves just crashing over me whenever it wants. I can’t control it, and it just so happened that he was there when that wave hit.”
“Humph.” Hannah pretended to be offended, turning her nose up in the air. “If you say so. But speaking of the extremely hot firefighter, how are you two doing?”
“Barely speaking,” Jenna pouted. “I really stuck my foot in my mouth this time.”
“Yeah, like down your esophagus and into your colon deep. Like I’m surprised you’re not walking around on one foot because you swallowed your whole leg deep,” Hannah laughed.
“Shut up!” Jenna pushed her playfully. “I’ve already apologized, and I don’t know what else he wants me to do.”
“Probably show up like he does with you. When you think about it, Tanner is like the ultimate catch. Hunky firefighter, loves his job, has his own place, emotionally mature, drives his own car… and you and Brandy just keep tossing him around like a used up chew toy. Pity.” Hannah shook her head.
“Don’t lump me in with her. What she did to him was despicable and far worse than anything I could ever think of.”
“Right, but she always goes after him. Maybe you should try it. At least get him to come to your birthday party. Do you really want to leave for school with things the way they are between you two?”
“I guess not,” Jenna agreed reluctantly.
“Awesome! That means we can stop by the station on our way,” she said, pulling Jenna out of her house. Jenna couldn’t have stopped Hannah even if she wanted to. They were soon standing in front of the firehouse, each waiting for the other to step inside.
“Maybe we shouldn’t,” Jenna said nervously. “I don’t want to bother him if he’s busy studying. What if he’s not even here?”
“Relax, my buddy Gary said he’s inside. Just go. I’ll be right here.
Jenna opened the door to the firehouse, wondering how many people were inside. She couldn’t bear the thought of being rejected in front of Tanner’s entire team. Luckily enough there were only a few guys upstairs when she entered the main living space. Tanner’s eyes shot directly to her.
Getting up from the couch, he rushed over and pulled her to the side, out of earshot from the rest of the guys. “What do you think you’re doing here, Jenna?!?”
“I really wanted to talk to you, Tanner. Can we go outside?”
“Not right now. Just say what you have to say. I have to get back to work,” he replied with an attitude.
“I understand you’re still mad at me, but I don’t want the summer to end and me to go away without us clearing the air. You know my birthday is coming up next week, right?”
“Of course I remember when your birthday is. I’ve planned enough of them.”
She rolled her eyes at his sarcasm. “Right. So my dad is letting me throw one of my parties at the bar Saturday night. We’re going with a Roaring Twenties theme. I would really appreciate it if you came. I want you there. You can bring whoever you like, even Brandy.”
“Don’t start with me. I’ll be there.”
“Seriously? Do you forgive me? I really am sorry. I should have listened to you. It appears that it’s one of my biggest flaws. So, any thoughts about us, and how we move forward?”
He dropped his head with a subtle laugh. “I can’t talk about that right now. These guys are already going to clown me for you coming here to begin with. So we’ll talk later, I promise.”
Tanner kissed her on the cheek and walked her downstairs to where Hannah was chatting up her friend. Her moment came to an abrupt halt when she saw Tanner and Jenna coming their way. Gary winked and took off up the stairs, shoving Tanner in the process.
“See you next week, guys,” he told them as they walked out.
“Right, next week,” Jenna smiled with relief.
After the two left the station, they found themselves walking down the main strip looking for any place to go shopping for the party. They hadn’t any idea where they could get any of the dresses or accessories they wanted.
They finally picked a dress boutique, hoping that they’d at least find something they could transform with a little creativity, glue and sequins. It didn’t take them long to pile up a few different looks and haul them off toward the back of the store to try them on.
Hannah waited outside the dressing room as Jenna tried on dress after dress. When she finally decided on one to show Hannah, it was gorgeous. Jenna stepped out in a royal blue satin gown. It was gathered and pleated with a ruche effect at the hip. It fit her petite frame well, giving her the illusion of a full hourglass figure. Hannah simply marveled at her friend, mouth agape.
“You look gorgeous in that!” she stated with wide eyes.
“Thanks, Hannah.” She smoothed down the wrinkles and midsection area. “I think it’s a beautiful dress, and I wouldn’t have to add much to it. Maybe one of those fake furs? I can get a feathered headband or something, right? One of those fake lit cigarettes to put at the end of one of those long holders. I have so many ideas and so little time to make it work!”
“I don’t know about all that other stuff, but I’m absolutely in love with this dress on you,” Hannah gushed.
“I like it too.” The voice, with its soft Irish accent, was awfully close to Hannah. Jenna’s eyes narrowed onto Sean Hannity.
“What are you doing in a dress shop?” Jenna practically growled.
“Checking in on my investment, and I see it was a great day to come. I must tell Paul how well you’re growing up,” he leered.
It sent chills down her spine. “Just leave my father alone.”
“I told you how much that was going to cost, and I’ve yet to receive my payment. So no,” he laughed, “but I’ll tell ya something, dear. I will throw in some money for whatever you like here, because me and your dad are so close, you know?”
It was as if he was rubbing it in her face, and she couldn’t stand it. Hannah kept widening her eyes and subtly pushing her hands down toward the ground, warning Jenna to calm down. So she did. She took a deep breath and stood there waiting for Mr. Hannity to leave.
“I don’t want your money,” Jenna told him flatly.
“I bet your school would say otherwise,” he laughed.
“School is paid for. None of it will come from my father or from you. Just leave me alone.” Jenna grabbed a dress and pretended to examine it.
Hannity didn’t let it go. “How can I do that when you’re in one of my shops?”
“Okay, so tell me which one of these dress stores you don’t have a stake in a
nd we’ll go there!”
“Honey, you’d have to leave Doveport to find a business that doesn’t do business with me. How do you think this town stays afloat? Billboards by the expressway? Get over it and get over yourself. Take the damn gift. I’m trying to be nice because I like ya. I like how hard ya fight for yer family. That’s a trait that’s very hard to come by these days.”
“No, thank you,” Jenna stated firmly.
“Stubborn as a mule. My mother was right about you. Ha! She’s always right about people. I gotta listen to her more often. Sounds like something you should do, too. But let me get out of your way and let you finish shopping. I hope you find what you’re looking for.” He winked to them both. “Oh, and the dress looks nice, but I don’t think your father would approve. But hey, who am I?”
They watched him walk away toward the register. The woman behind the counter kissed him on the cheek as she handed him a familiar-looking thick envelope. Hannity motioned toward them and left the store. As soon as he was out of the door, the proprietor rushed over to them with a huge smile on her face.
“Mr. Hannity said that you girls can get whatever you want in the store for free, so pick whatever you like. I’ll make sure it’s fitted and tailored to you perfectly.”
“Ma’am, you really don’t have to,” Jenna said, shaking her head.
“Believe me, it’s much easier to do what he tells you than to fight it. Or you can drive to Pittsburgh and find a dress store he doesn’t work with.”
“Pittsburgh!” Jenna and Hannah shouted simultaneously.
“That’s like two hours away!” Hannah stammered. “We’re not driving to Pittsburgh. Jenna, if this bothers you so much, we’ll take the money and just give it to your dad to give back to him. He doesn’t have to know it was from us.”
“Fine, I’ll make it a little easier on all of us. Let’s just finish shopping.”
The girls did just that, resolving to put money into the bar until they paid off their purchases. But once Hannity left the store, they had to admit that it was fun having access to just about everything they could get their hands on.