Please Don't Tell My Parents I Have A Nemesis

by Richard Roberts

  “Temporary truce! Stop that thing!” I yelled, and blasted it with my staff. The shining ray it let off struck the abomination, and… turned every inch it touched into silver. Woah.

  Three of its tentacles were now stiff metal. It did not like that. Another one shot out. I took a teleport step―

  ―too late. The thing grabbed hold of my staff before my foot set down. When I did, things got confusing. The monster weighed too much. I ended up on my back, body aching and breath short, a few yards away, while half the thing waved my staff in the air, then threw it back towards Mammon’s mind copier.

  The half-an-abomination left inside the circle shed its metal limbs, extended a bunch more tentacles, and merged them into its teleported fragment. The whole thing sucked together, looking like a stumpy-legged green screaming anemone.

  Ray took a step towards me, and stopped, recognizing that I was all right. Then, bless him, he smacked his hands together, charged up a tiny power ball, and shot it to knock the jade statue out of the circle.

  That didn’t shut down the monster, but did shut down the smoke and sparkles which had still been pouring into it.

  Fish Man took my advice. He leaped on the tentacled thing, and started ripping it with his claws. “Yes! Kill! Kill! KILL!”

  “Are you stupid? Let it kill them!” Pitch-Black-And-Eyeballs whined.

  Fish Man shrieked and bit into the tentacle thing. It responded by banging him against the floor several times.

  Eyestalks panted, his whole body bobbing up and down. “The kids are right. That thing… that thing has a terrible wrongness. Get rid of it, please.”

  “Superheroes first. They chase you,” said Octopus Girl. She faced Ray. The tentacles behind her head rose up, pointing at him. Her arms spread, and the spectral eyes all lined up above them in a row. A rainbow of beams shot out.

  Ray had already dived for a pile of junk, but he hadn’t needed to. The beams went all over the place, hitting nothing but rusty wall. I couldn’t help noticing the path crudely tracked Octopus Girl’s weird, swiveling pupils.

  Even though she hadn’t hit anything, Octopus Girl stamped her feet and squealed, “I told you! I said! Lasers!”

  “Really? Maybe I…” Pitch-Black-And-Eyeballs stammered. The eyes scattered over his length squinted, bulged, wriggled, and then one by one began to glow. Transparent, gleaming triangles solidified in the air around him, spinning and whirling around uncomfortably like blades.

  Finally yanking Fish Man loose, the abomination threw him into Pitch-Black-And-Eyeballs and Octopus Girl both. The triangles proved as sharp as they looked. A lot of green and black ichor splashed around.

  That left the monster free, and it still held a grudge. Tentacles grew lumpy, canine heads on the ends. Mouths opened, and they barked fireballs at me.

  It had barely been thirty seconds since my disastrous attempt at teleporting. My sore body would not move fast enough.

  Remmy lunged in the way, arms outstretched. They intercepted most of the fireballs, the ones that would have hit me, at least. Whirling her arms around like a gymnast with a dance rhythm, she juggled the fireballs and threw them back at their creator.

  It did not like that. Flesh singed. The monster screamed some more.

  “I’ll hold it off. Deal with them, then figure out a way to finish it!” Remmy yelled.

  I wanted to argue, but… “If anybody can, you can.”

  She could. Six harpoon guns slid out of flaps in her armor, firing extra-thick grappling hooks into the abomination. Remmy reached up to her backpack. The backpack that looked like Earth technology, like an engine. It spat out fire, blue-white fire so hot I could feel it from the floor, but she caught that with her gloves, and fed the flame into the coppery cables connected to the grappling hooks. The flame slid up them like a blazing snake and flashed across the monster.

  Everybody in the room winced at the scream. I tried not to gag from the burning chemical smell. The eldritch super-mutant did not like that.

  I trusted Remmy to keep the butt kicking up. Rolling to my feet, I evaluated the threat of Mammon and his minions.

  Mammon himself struggled, trying to get out of the duplicator. He didn’t seem to be gaining any ground. Fine.

  The mutated minions were all back on their feet. Despite the smears of goo, Fish Man showed no sign of wounds. Either he hadn’t been hurt badly, or had already healed. Fun.

  Ray pulled a basketball sized knot of rusty metal off the pile he’d hid behind, and threw it. Pitch-Black-And-Eyeballs couldn’t dodge for beans. The hunk of junk hit him in the face, and he went down.

  Psychological warfare time. Already morons, a little more confusion might paralyze these clowns. A step teleported me behind them, with no worse than painful twinges from my not-entirely-recovered muscles. Digging my puzzle box out of a pouch, I hit the combination to make it open itself, and…

  …uhh, jammed a finger into the mechanism to stop it about halfway through the process. That would be plenty, thank you.

  Then I dropped it on the floor and teleported over to Ray’s protective junk pile.

  Even from here, I felt an unpleasant sensation like slimy fingers drifting over me. Someone whispered, too faint to make out.

  The effect on the Mutant Clown Posse was all I could have hoped for. Fish Man and Octopus Girl jerked up rigidly straight. Pitch-Black-And-Eyeballs stopped trying to figure out which way was up, and went rigid the horizontal way.

  Ray crouched next to me under cover, and started charging his power ball gloves. It did take several seconds to get one of the big balls that would hit hard enough to hurt these goons. “Go for the fish. Maybe we can lure Octopus Girl into lasering us again, and I’ll shoot her beams back at her.”

  On the far side of the room, Claire picked up my discarded staff, set it spinning, and… sprayed jellybeans at the minions.

  Oh, well. At least it was a really powerful, fire-hose blast of jellybeans that knocked Octopus Girl and the pale guy down, and set Fish Man stumbling as they rolled beneath his feet.

  The abomination remembered the staff. The abomination did not like the staff. It grew a whole new tentacle, with a grappling hook on the end, and shot it at Claire. She dodged despite its speed, showing off her fantastic enhanced reflexes, but the hook swung around in mid-flight, catching her around her waist.

  Claire yelped as the Eldritch Barnacle yanked her into the air. Ray corrected his aim, but Remmy got there first. She shoved a foot into the monster’s main mouth and grabbed the new tentacle with both hands.

  Her boot let out an echoey bang. The tentacle split in half. Ray tossed the energy ball at the clowns, and jumped over the junk pile to catch Claire as she fell.

  I teleported right in front of him, and we caught her together. Admittedly, Ray’s super strength did most of the work.

  “I’m fine. We have to fight!” Claire gasped.

  Octopus Girl groped her way to her knees, shaking her head. “Who’s talking to me? No. I don’t care. Come on, you weenies. Stop listening, and fight!”

  Pale guy crawled towards his creator. “Mammon! Me! Mammon! You have to do something. Use the empty shells!”

  Mammon stopped wriggling and gaped at him. “What? Yes! Good idea! Which was my idea, since you’re just a copy of me. You all, get me out of this contraption and let’s get out of here!”

  “What!?” yelped Octopus Girl.

  “You’re abandoning us?!” shouted Pitch-Black-And-Eyeballs.

  Mammon glared back at them. “I am your master! It’s your duty to die for me! Don’t be such ingrates, you wouldn’t even have a life to lose without me.”

  The blank mannequins stopped standing―and in some cases lying―around, and swarmed over to Mammon. So did the mutated minions that hadn’t been given minds yet. Only the blanks managed. The mutants hit the circle drawn with the magic candle, and bounced to the accompaniment of a sizzling hiss.

  Ray and Claire stared at the candle, as did I. Oh, yes, we’d all notic
ed that.

  The Eldritch Clown Brigade hadn’t. They were preparing for another round of whining when the tendrilly guy acted for the first time. Planting his wriggly hands over where his ears used to be, he gargled, “I can’t… I can’t take it anymore. The voices. I know what they’re saying. I know the truth now!”

  And with that, he went all abomination, too. His body flopped, arms stretching. Wings beat, but instead of lifting him or producing a breeze, they scattered ripply color distortions in the air. He grew a mouth in his chest, and another, and soon he had at least a dozen, all babbling in different languages.

  He reminded me way too much of the guardian that originally tried to take back my cursed statue.

  “Charge your gloves,” I ordered Claire.

  She saluted, fists clenched.

  The other mutant morons had had enough. Fish Man in particular screamed, “Die! Everybody’s going to die! I will kill you all!” and ran, not towards us, but to the back of the room. His bulging arms slammed into a door I hadn’t even noticed with all the filth and rust and shadows. He ran through it, followed closely by Octopus Girl, Pitch-Black-And-Eyeballs, Mammon himself, and half a dozen of the unenhanced minions.

  I couldn’t even see the pale, damp guy. It took me a second to realize the mostly-naked mannequin lying on the floor next to Mammon’s machine had been him. He really had reverted.

  Okay. Time to move. I teleported over to where I’d dropped the puzzle box, scooped it up, and closed it.

  While I did that, Four Eyes, now Eldritch Barnacle #2, stumbled and writhed forward, its floppy arms grabbing for the cursed book at the edge of the magic circle.

  Oh, criminy, it wanted more power.

  Ray figured that out too, and ran, dove, slid like a baseball player to snatch up the book, rolling away before the tentacles arrived.

  The Barnacles shared a mind. Had to be that, because the original got the same idea.

  It was not in good shape. Remmy had a knife attached to one arm of her armor, now. Or maybe more of a chainsaw. Tiny fans whirled all over it, and when she drove it into the monster, it didn’t chew, it sliced through like she cut a blob of whipped cream―and with similarly messy results.

  That left a lot of bits. Some wrapped around her armor, trying to chew or burn or freeze their way through. Others, behind her, wriggled towards the jade statue.

  But they were slow and clumsy. I only had a couple of seconds, but that was plenty for my teleport bracers. I blinked across and grabbed the statue.

  One of my stupid calf muscles charlie horsed. A lot had happened in a mere couple of minutes, and my muscles hadn’t quite cleared the strain. Stumbling, I accidentally threw the statue forward.

  It hit the invisible wall drawn by the candle’s circle. Another hissing sound. The statue squirmed, and bounced away.

  Both Eldritch Barnacles sent up a scream that echoed painfully around the vault. Barnacle #2, still sort of biped, flung itself into the magic ring, driving its arms into the biggest lumps of flesh from Eldritch Barnacle #1.

  They fused. Other bits threw themselves onto the pile. It rapidly became a mass of eyes, mouths, and tentacles, even more reminiscent of the original guardian.

  “Remmy! Get clear!” I shouted.

  She did, her boots thumping as they propelled her backwards out of the circle.

  I held out my hands. “Claire! Blast me! Ray, grab it!”

  Ray, at least, didn’t need the order. Claire barely did. She held out her gloved hands and released her grip. The old static cling gloves shot a particularly bright and vicious looking cloud of purple and white lightning arcs.

  I caught them. Just had to keep them spinning for a second…

  Ray’s last footfall hit the floor, his outstretched hands almost on the monster. I let him have it with the static blast.

  His hands latched hold of the New and Improved Eldritch Barnacle, Now With Singing Eyeballs. It flapped and twisted, but between his strength and the sticking effect, it couldn’t yank free.

  Grunting, Ray heaved it into the air. It had to be heavy, but not too heavy for his super strength, or too fast for his super reflexes. He lurched a few clumsy but speedy steps, and slammed the ugly, writhing thing into the candle’s invisible wall.

  It tried to bounce off. He didn’t let it. He pressed the monster to the barrier, while it made a sound like wet bacon dropped in a frying pan. Ash flaked off, the thing shrinking as it burned against the light. Some of it wouldn’t burn fast enough and pressed through, but when it touched the magic candle’s flame, the whole body went up like a brilliantly white torch.

  Ray stepped back. Nothing but clouds and lumps of ash fell to the floor.

  I heard rattling. The jade statue and cursed book both vibrated and bounced in place. The thicker chunks of ash pulsed. Clouds of powder swirled towards them.

  Claire called out, “Penny, we have to―”

  “I know!” I whined. Yes, whined.

  This was the worst. Just the worst. Picking up my cursed jade statue, I limped and lurched over to the candle, shoving the statue against the barrier, past the resistance, into the flame.

  Beside me, Claire did the same with the evil book.

  All three objects caught fire. Claire and I had to drop them, and rub our gloves against the floor to stop those from burning. Even the energy channeling gauntlets weren’t immune to the purifying flame.

  Nausea soured my stomach, built until I had to clamp my mouth shut. I heard myself screaming. Not my actual voice, a sound in my head.

  Air rushed inward, accompanied by a loud slurping noise. Then, silence. I felt fine.

  The ash was gone. The book was gone. My statue was gone.

  The magic candle, a spent puddle of wax in its candlestick, went out.

  Oh, criminy. I would miss you, bad pennies. You were always my secret weapon. Hopefully some were still scattered around the prison and had juice, but they would be the last.

  Remmy moved step by careful step towards the center of the magic circle. She turned constantly, studying the floor, the walls, the ceiling. The arm with the blade stayed out, and the other cocked close, with one of her grappling hooks ready to fire.

  Man, the girl was good.

  My own troops weren’t bad, either. We spent several seconds waiting for the other shoe to drop before Claire became comfortable enough to run over and gush at Remmy. “You were awesome against that monster. Great equipment and the moves to maximize them.”

  That called for my two cents. “I only got to see a little, but what I saw impressed me. Especially using your jump boot in its mouth. I expected you to be good, and you blew away my expectations.”

  Remmy stared at me, owl-eyed. “You mean that?”

  That kind of stung. Not the accusation, the thought that she got so much grief in her life that she couldn’t accept someone might be impressed.

  Ray stepped over to join us. “They mean it. You were ferocious. A middle school goddess of war.”

  For a couple of seconds, Remmy stared. Then she smiled, and asked in a light tone, “Can I sit down?”

  I blinked, then got it. “Oh, no. Ray, help her. Did anyone bring a drink? Please? Where is Apparition?”

  At the sound of her name, she floated in through the door from the prison chamber. “I’m here. I possessed the scary looking mutant as long as I could, but when it went mad… so did I, a little. Vera had to come find me.”

  Ah. Mystery of why Eye Stalks stood around and did nothing for so long answered. Come to think of it, that might have been the best thing Apparition could do. Who knows what powers he had, especially if he could use them with a rational mind.

  Ray helped Remmy sit on a pile of junk, and together, they unfastened her armor and pulled her out of it. She gave me a weak smile. “We were superheroes together, huh?”

  I held out a fist. “And it was awesome.”

  She stared for a second, before figuring it out and fist-bumped me back.

  “How are you
feeling?” I asked.

  “Kinda sick,” she admitted bashfully.

  I nodded, and looked over at my little artificial Conqueror Orb friend, who had a real Conqueror Orb friend. “Vera, are you still able to contact the Orb of the Heavens? If we ask nicely, do you think he’d open up a gate from here to Ceres?”

  “What?” Remmy asked, startled and concerned.

  I stepped closer, leaned down, and wrapped my arms around the tiny girl’s neck and shoulders. She was enough out of her armor now I could do that. “You’re going home, Remmy. You’re leaving tonight. I’m kicking you off of Earth, because if I don’t, you’ll keep being a hero and you’ll get so sick you’ll die. Please don’t argue. I can guess what you feel like after that fight.”

  She coughed. Only once, but the kind of ‘only once’ that means you’re holding back a lot more. Then she let out a deep sigh. “Yeah, okay. But only because we got to be superheroes together, first. I was a little…”

  I didn’t make her say it, just hugged her again. “I know, it was dumb of me to think you could totally stop being angry so fast.”

  Remmy put her skinny arms around me and hugged back. “I’ll miss you.”

  “If I can clear my name, you’ll see me in a few months. And when I do, I’ll make sure nobody disrespects you because of me,” I promised. I’d figure out a way to travel from Ceres to Jupiter.

  She nodded. I held her for a moment, wrestling with my conscience.

  I didn’t know whether I won or lost when I said, “But first… I wouldn’t ask this, but can you use your power on that mind copying machine? My ghost friend here wants to live again. We found a device that sucks souls, and I was hoping you could attach it to this thing so she could be sucked into a body.”

  Her pale eyebrows rose. “I’d be happy to help bring someone back from death, but why ask me when you can do it yourself?”

  Claire snickered.

  I rolled my eyes. “Because my super awesome power does what it wants to, not what I want it to. You, I can trust.”

  She grinned, pried her feet free of her armor, and stood up. “Great. You can count on me. I’ll need to see the soul sucker. You really have a soul sucker?”