by Bec Botefuhr
“Then we should really be sure.”
I nod weakly, and hands me a cup to pee in. I walk off to the toilet and do as she asks, then bring it back out to her. She dips a little stick in, and waits a few moments.
“Oh,” she says.
“What?”
Putting the test in the bin, she turns to me and takes my hand. “I imagine this is going to be a bit of a shock but the test is positive; you’re pregnant.”
“Excuse me?” I cry, feeling my pulse quicken.
“The test sweetheart; it’s positive.”
“That can’t be right!” I say, putting my head in my hands and trembling.
“I assure you the test is very accurate. Have you had unprotected sex?”
“Well, yes, but he pulled out and…”
“That isn’t a great form of birth control,” she offers gently.
By now my whole body is sweating and I feel dizzy and nauseous. “This can’t be happening.”
“There are options,” she offers.
“I don’t…oh God…”
“Would you like a minute or would you like me to go over some with you now?”
“No, it’s fine.”
I grip my head and shake, my stomach turns violently and I think for a moment I might actually lose my breakfast. I’m hit with the thought that this is probably the beginnings of morning sickness. Great.
“I don’t have an appointment immediately after you; if you like we can do a scan, to see how far along you are?” the Doctor offers.
I nod weakly, and lay on the table. She leaves the room to collect the ultrasound machine and then rubs cold gel over my stomach. I watch as she moves the probe around. Then, I can see it, a tiny little bud on the screen. My heart stops.
“There we are; heartbeat and all.”
She measures the baby, and smiles.
“I would say from your measurements, you are about six weeks along.”
“Oh,” I whisper, watching the tiny little heart throb on the screen.
“Would you like a picture?”
“Umm…Yes please.”
After cleaning me up and returning the ultrasound machine, the Doctor gives me a list of things I need to do. I promise to call to make another appointment in a few weeks’ time and then I leave. I rush outside, desperate for fresh air. I hear the hum of motorbikes, and before I know it twenty are pulling up on the curb. Caden said he would come meet me when I was done. I watch him get off his bike and grin at me, and my stomach churns again.
“How did you go?” He asks.
“Um, it’s sorted,” I whisper.
He eyes me cautiously. “You okay?”
“Sure.”
“Do you want to come still?”
I stare at the bikes, men and my stomach turns.
“Actually, I’m not feeling well…”
He narrows his eyes, “Are you sure everything is alright?”
“Yes, it’s fine, I just…need to lie down.”
“Angel…”
I wave him off, “Go, have fun….I will come by later okay?”
He nods and grips my face.
“You would tell me if something was wrong?”
I swallow, God, my throat burns, “Of course.”
He kisses me softly, and then climbs back onto his bike. The men give me a brief wave, before they kick their bikes into gear and speed off. I walk slowly back to my car, my head is spinning. How did I not pick this up? I didn’t get a period, I have been feeling off. It all seems so obvious now. I get into my car and begin the slow drive home; going over all my options in my head.
I park in the driveway and head indoors with my head down. Jaxson is out thank God, so I just make my way into the room and fall onto the bed. Caden and I have only been together three months; and part of that time we were broken up. How could this be happening to us? Will it ruin what we have? Will this be the end of us?
~*~*~*
“Want a drink?” Caden asks, handing me a beer.
“Oh, no, thanks.”
He narrows his eyes, “What is goin’ on, you’re quiet?”
I’m quick to dismiss his accusation. “Just a lot on my mind.”
“What happened at the Doctor’s today? Did she say somethin’ to upset you?”
“It’s not that, look, it’s fine.” I can’t meet his gaze and I feel my eyes begin to well. Damn hormones.
He grips my arm, and pulls me closer so everyone can’t hear.
“Don’t lie to me Angel,” he growls, “I don’t like it.”
“Caden, please, not now.”
“When then? Something’s wrong; you’ve barely said two fuckin’ words to me since that appointment.”
I plead with him; I really don’t want to have this discussion in front of everyone else; heck, I’m not sure if I can have this conversation at all! “I need time,”
“Time? For what?” he roars. ”Tell me what the fuck is goin’ on right now!”
I lose my temper and shove him harshly.
“I am pregnant!” I scream.
Everyone stops talking, and Caden’s face falls.
“What?”
“You heard me, I’m pregnant.”
“How?”
“Even you aren’t that stupid,” I hiss.
“We used protection.”
Déjà vu hits me and I’m reminded of Caden and Dani having this exact conversation a few weeks ago. How could we be so careless?!
“No we didn’t, not always.”
His eyes widen.
“Fuckin’ hell! Fuck, this can’t be happening.”
I knew Caden would be shocked but I hadn’t quite expected this reaction from him. “You knew I wasn’t on the pill, it wasn’t just my fault.”
“Takes two to tango,” he hisses at me.
“Don’t!” I cry, “Don’t make this out to be on me.”
“We have been together three fuckin’ months,” he roars, “We were meant to date more, travel, fuck, get married but this? No…” he throws his hands up in the air, exasperated. “I don’t fuckin’ want this.”
I am crushed; I grip my chest and back up.
“Settle down Chief,” Max says, touching his shoulder.
“Don’t fuckin’ touch me!”
Shoving Max out of the way, he pushes past me.
“Don’t walk away from me Caden!” I yell.
He spins around, “What do you want me to do?” he spits, “what is it you expect of me?”
Tears thunder down my cheeks, “Obviously nothing.”
“Christ Amanda I’m a fuckin’ biker! I live a dangerous life; I can’t be a fuckin’ Dad.”
“I’m keeping it.” I whisper
“Fuck that! This isn’t just your choice.”
“No, you’re right, it isn’t. But you just made your choice when you decided you could be a Father! If you don’t want to be around, don’t want to be involved, then fine. But let me set you straight Chief, I don’t have to give my baby up because you don’t want to be a part of it. You don’t want this then I guess we end here.”
“Yeah,” he snarls, “I guess we fuckin’ do.”
I swallow, and nod weakly. I’m dying inside but I know that I have to put our… my baby first. I grip my car keys and I turn, hurrying down the drive way. I can hear Max and Bill trying to talk some sense into Caden but he’s having none of it.
“Don’t be a fuckin’ idiot Chief; go after her.”
“No, we are fuckin’ done.”
His words crush me, and it takes all my effort not to fall to my knees. I don’t know how I will deal with this one alone.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
THREE MONTH’S LATER…
“How did the ultrasound go?” Jaxson asks.
“It was good, everything looks healthy.”
He smiles and pats my rounding belly.
“She is a trooper.”
I laugh at him. “How do you know it’s a she?”
“I just do.”
I s
hake my head and put my keys down; walking over to sit on the couch, I shift uncomfortably and rub my lower back. I have been suffering with back pain since I began growing, and while my stomach is only small, my back doesn’t seem to be dealing well with the change.
“Are you going to tell Caden?” Jaxson asks in a quiet voice. He knows I don’t like to talk about Caden so he doesn’t often bring him up in conversation.
My face hardens and my voice comes out harsher than I intend. “He wants nothing to do with this. He hasn’t spoken to me for three months, so no; he doesn’t deserve to know.”
“He tried…”
“He told me he wanted no part in it, I don’t care how much he tried.”
“Mands, your child needs him. I was happy in the beginning to hide you and not answer the door when he came around, but you two have to sort this out!”
I am adamant that Caden have nothing to do with the baby; he had his chance and he blew it. “No.”
“Ok,” he says, putting his hands up, “alright.”
“Hey, I don’t have plans for dinner tonight; you want to eat together?” I ask.
Knowing that this is my way of moving the conversation on and calling a truce, Jaxson smiles. “What about fries on the beach?”
I rub my stomach and lick my lips. “Sounds good to me.”
Four hours later we are sitting down on the beach, watching the sunset and munching on hot fries. I wiggle my toes in the sand and moan at the salty taste in my mouth.
“You look so hot with that wee belly,” Jaxson laughs.
“Shut up, it is so uncomfortable.”
“I bet.”
I hear the sound of motorcycles, and I tense. I do every time, it comes naturally. This time though, the noise comes closer and closer until a gang of bikers pull up at the beach.
“Oh no…” Jaxson mutters.
“What?” I strain my neck to try and catch a glimpse of whatever has him in such a knot.
“Um, don’t look now but your boy just rocked up with his club.”
My heart stops, I turn my head slightly to see Max, Caden, Bill and the club getting off their bikes and walking down onto the beach with packs of beer.
“We should leave.”
We both stand and turn. We’re halfway back up the beach when my name is called.
“Angel?”
Shit, shit, shit.
I turn and stare and see that it is Max who has noticed us. His eyes widen at my belly, and then a smile breaks out on his face. Caden turns, and when his eyes meet mine I freeze. Nothing has changed, he still looks devastating. His eyes fall on my belly, and he stiffens.
“Hi Max,” I murmur, rushing off.
“Wait,” he calls out.
He walks over and smiles at me.
“Well look at you.”
“It’s nice to see you.” I say, unable to look at the eyes burning into my side.
“You too, that belly suits you.”
I smile weakly and stroke it, “Thanks.”
That is when I notice Caden walking over, my heart seizes.
I shoot Max an apologetic look. “I’m sorry Max; I have to leave.”
“Mandy?”
Damn it.
Max gives my shoulder a gentle pat before walking off towards the rest of the gang. I turn but can hear footsteps in the sand. Knowing that I’ll have to face him at some point, I stop walking and turn back around. Caden stops in front of me. His eyes fall on my belly, but I can’t read his expression.
“You kept it.”
It? Nice one Caden. “I told you I was going to,” I snap.
His eyes meet mine. “I tried to call.”
“To say what? That you don’t want to be a part of it?”
“I was wrong,” he whispers.
“Yeah, Caden, you were. It’s too late now.”
He grips my hand, and I want to tug away but I can’t seem to make my limbs move.
“Please, let me talk to you.”
“I have nothing to say,” I whisper.
“It’s my baby too.”
“A baby you didn’t want.”
“Fuck it, just let me talk!” he barks. I must have made a face because he immediately holds up his hands in apology and his tone softens. “I’m sorry okay? I have been trying to see you, but you wouldn’t let me. I’m sorry for what I said; I was wrong. I’ve been fuckin’ miserable without you. I don’t want to fuckin’ feel like this.”
“You should have thought about that…”
“What do you want me to do? Get on my knees? I will.”
“Caden, I want you to leave. We are over.”
Don’t cry, don’t cry.
“Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me, and I’ll go.”
The situation becomes too much for me and my crazy hormones to take and I begin crying.
“You hurt me,” I choke out, face to the ground.
He grips my chin and pulls my face up.
“I know.”
“You didn’t want this, you broke my heart, it can’t just be fixed…”
“It can be fixed. It has to be. Fuck it Angel, I’ll do anything.”
“We were never meant to be.”
He shakes his head, “We were always meant to be.”
“Caden please…”
“Tell me it’s over, tell me you don’t love me and I’ll leave.”
“I’m not playing this game Caden.”
He grips my chin harder. “Tell me!”
“I can’t,” I cry, slapping his hand away, “I can’t tell you that I don’t love you because it would be a lie! I do love you, I never wanted to stop loving you; it was you that walked away. I wanted you in my life and not just my life but in our baby’s life too. But you hurt me, that isn’t easily forgotten.”
“You still love me; even after everything I’ve done?”
I nod.
Caden turns to walk away, but not before saying, “Then that is all I need to know.”
Jaxson and I head back home after my hormonal confrontation with Caden. I don’t know where things will go from here, but I know that I am not done with him, and it is clear he isn’t done with me. I head to work for another shift that night, I am tired and worn, but I need the money. My work has been supportive of my pregnancy, and my terrible morning sickness.
“Uh oh, you look ill tonight,” Analeice says, touching my forehead.
“Long day.”
She takes my hand and leads me out back, where she proceeds to hand me a glass of water. Ana and I haven’t spent a lot of time together since our last outing, due to my constant dramas, but she is always up for a chat during work.
“What happened?” she asks, sliding her bottom onto a nearby bench.
“Caden saw me today.”
“Oh no, how did that go?”
I sigh, rubbing my temples. “He doesn’t seem to give up easily; he wants to make it work.”
“Is that what you want?”
I smile at Ana. “This is his baby, of course I do.”
“Then let him in honey, if he wants to be a part of all this, you should let him. If it means seeing a smile on your pretty face again, then I say go for it.”
I smile at her, and reach out to take her hand. “Thanks Ana.”
“Always.”
~*~*~*~*
“Why are you here?” I say, leaning against the door frame.
“I let you push me away before, I’m not now.”
I stare at Caden, standing at the door decked out in leather and looking so God damned beautiful it hurts.
“Can we not do this now? I don’t feel well and…”
“Then let me in and I will take care of you,” he interrupts.
“Caden, please,”
“No Angel. I fucked up okay? It was a shock but I shouldn’t have done what I did. Do you think I don’t know that? I can’t take it back but I can try and make it up to you. Please, just give me a chance to be a part of this.”
&nbs
p; “Caden…”
“Angel I love you,” he says.
My breath hitches and I freeze. He loves me? Those words; God those words. I have wanted to hear them for so long.
“What?” I croak.
“You heard me,” he says, stepping closer to me, “I love you. I didn’t say it before because I was a fool; but I mean it Angel, being without you these past few months has broken me. I can’t deal with it, I need to be with you; please, let me make this better.”
Tears stream down my face and I nod weakly. Above all else, I have missed him so badly and I need him, I just need him. There doesn’t have to be any more to it. He stands forward and takes me into his arms, and holds me while I sob.
“I am sorry Angel,” he soothes.
He takes me inside and his hands slide over my belly, his eyes full of love and curiosity. He helps me into a bath, and he sits beside me stroking my body with a soft wash cloth until all the tears have left my body, and I begin to feel okay again. He is the only person in the world that can get so many different emotions out of me in a period of twenty four hours.
“How are you feeling?” He asks, running the wash cloth over my back.
“I am feeling better now,” I whisper.
“And the baby?”
“The baby is fine, he or she is healthy.”
“I am sorry you know. I said it before but I was a dick Angel.”
I laugh weakly, “I know you were, but it is over now.”
“I will do whatever you need me to do, you know that right?”
“I know.”
He smoothes back my hair, then reaches down to take my chin in his hand.
“I want this…”
“I know that.”
“I was just so fucked up over it. I was sure I couldn’t be a good Dad; how can I be with the life I lead?”
“Your Dad is a good Dad.”
He smiles, “I realize that now. I just didn’t look at it like that.”
“You will be a good Dad if you want to be; only you can make that choice.”
“I will do everything I can to be good to this baby, and to you Angel.”
Smile and look up at him from underneath my eyelashes. “I’m glad you came back.”
He brings his lips down onto mine, “So am I, believe me.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
“You meeting your Dad?” Caden asks, stroking a finger over my cheek the next morning.
“Yeah we’re meeting for lunch.”