Henry & Me

by Sasha Clinton

  “I don’t give a rat’s ass about whether you believe me or not,” I shoot.

  Throwing all the clutter off the coffee table, I wipe it down with Lysol. Really, Coop should do something about his habit of accumulating stuff on the coffee table. There is a cup with the Starbucks logo that has been here since before the day I left for LA. I drop it in the dustbin.

  “Something’s definitely up. You’re angry.” Coop straightens himself. “C’mon, Maxie. Tell me. Problems at work?”

  “No.”

  “Problems with Henry?”

  I hesitate. “No.”

  The gray of Coop’s eyes darkens. “Is he trying to make a move on you?”

  “No, he’s not,” I say emphatically. “And why are you worried about me anyway?”

  “Because I’m your brother. It’s my job.”

  I feel anger rising within me. Dropping the Lysol on the table, I huff at him. These days, everybody seems to get on my nerves. I’m way too easily irritated.

  “I don’t need you to protect me or worry about me. I can take care of myself,” I tell Coop.

  He glugs Coke from the can in his hand and then sets it back on the coffee table. The coffee table I just cleaned.

  “I’m not trying to protect you; I’m trying to help you. We both know you’re not as good as I am when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex.”

  “What does that even mean?”

  He shrugs. “You have a way of choosing losers.”

  “Are you calling Henry a loser?” My voice rises sharply.

  “Nope. He’s not the usual loser type you attract. Maybe that’s why you’re not together.”

  This wounds my ego. Henry and I are not such an unlikely match.

  “He asked me, you know, but I turned him down.”

  “You have terrible judgment,” comes his instant reply. “And you’re scared of niceness. It makes you feel vulnerable.”

  “I’m not!”

  “Third grade, when Ching did your homework for you and he gave you free food from his parents’ Chinese restaurant, you totally freaked out and avoided him for the rest of the year. And in high school, you had a really nice friend called Melissa. Remember her? She’d help you with SATs, but you broke up with her for no reason.”

  “Well…that was because Ching and Melissa weren’t popular in school and I didn’t want to associate with anybody who wasn’t popular.” I wave my hands. “I don’t think that way anymore.”

  It’s the truth. I’ve changed. I recognize the value of niceness now. And I have never blamed my misery on Henry. It’s my own problem.

  “Then what’s the excuse this time?”

  “Nothing,” I reply. “So shut up.”

  Coop groans. “Maxie, you need to sort out your life.”

  “I will.” My eyes instinctively move towards my bag that’s in front of the door.

  Inside that bag is my first step towards improving my life. The other day, I called a helpline for people with psychological issues and enrolled for a group counseling session for people with intimacy issues. I found it through Meetup.com and it was only five bucks, so I thought I’d give it a go.

  It’s this evening. I’m a little scared to go. Revealing my battles with intimacy to a group of strangers is not an appealing prospect, but I think I can learn from their experiences. I will go with an open mind. For Henry’s sake, but more so for mine, I have to do this.

  Cleaning drags on for two more hours. Henry’s house is a lot bigger than Coop’s but trust me, it takes longer to clean this place. Just as I’m stuffing the vacuum cleaner back into the closet, Ji-ae screams.

  Racing out of her room, she comes straight at me.

  “Honey, what happened?” Alarmed, Coop peels himself away from the soccer game.

  Ji-ae doesn’t waste any time pulling me into a hug.

  “You did it!” she screams in my ear, nearly deafening me. Her hands rest on the crown of my head. “You got the role!”

  “What?”

  “You left your email open on the computer and since I needed to check my email, I was going to log out but then I saw an email and I opened it. Sorry.”

  My heart pounds a steady drumbeat in my ears as my skin grows hot. I need to see it. I need to see the email.

  “Which role was it?” Grabbing Ji-ae’s shoulders, I give her a shake.

  She looks up at the ceiling. “I don’t know. I didn’t check. But the email’s still open.”

  No more words are needed. I tear to her bedroom and scan the email with adrenaline flooding my system.

  As soon as I see who is the email is from, I break into a happy dance, jumping, screaming, unable to contain the overwhelming joy that’s pelting me. Coop and Ji-ae watch me from the doorway with twin happy grins.

  “I will make tiramisu for dessert today,” Ji-ae announces, clapping her hands together. She gets to work immediately.

  “Congratulations, Maxie.” Coop pats my back. “You did it.”

  “Yeah…”

  It still seems surreal to me. But the email stares at me, unblinking. It’s a callback, which technically means I haven’t been chosen for the role yet, but I can feel it inside me. This role is mine.

  I leap into the air again and shout, “You did it!” over and over again. After years of hard work my time has come. Endless obstacles, mediocre roles, frustrations, abusive boyfriends, living on instant noodles…that’s all behind me now. This is the sweetest feeling in the world…the feeling of triumph. Of being recognized after trials and tribulations.

  And the role I’ve bagged is the one I coveted, the one I thought I would never get in a million years because of Rob. But it’s mine now.

  Nobody can take this away from me.

  And it’s all thanks to Henry, who gave me the opportunity to audition again.

  Oh, I need to tell him. Swiveling around, I start to look for my phone to call him, but change my mind, remembering the session I have planned this evening.

  I will wait and give him even better news later.

  Chapter 15

  So it took me a week, but I finally got my act together last night. That group session was an eye-opener for me. I met many people who had had intimacy issues for years, and they still managed to overcome them and have fulfilling love lives.

  It’s a slow process, but the key point I learnt was to take it day by day. The most important factor in their success was a supportive partner who allowed them to explore intimacy in a safe environment. And I knew there could only be one such person for me. Only one person I love deeply enough to show all my ugly vulnerabilities.

  Over the week, I did a lot of relaxation exercises and thought hard about the changes I was willing to make and the boundaries I was willing to push to be with Henry. I came to the realization that I am willing to do anything to be with Henry and make him happy.

  That’s why I plan to win Henry Stone back. With a speech, no less. One as stunning as my Oscars speech, only this one is meant for the ears of one person only: Henry.

  Dear Henry—that’s how it starts.

  I love you. I can’t tell you when I started loving you because I don’t know myself. But I clearly remember the moment when I messed up. It was that day at the hotel, after we had sex. I woke up in a cold sweat. As I saw you, the two sides of me warred. On one hand, I was so happy that you were with me, and my love for you overflowed. On the other hand, I felt anxious when I thought about the kind of future we would have—and the future we would not have. In the end, I made a hasty decision, unable to see clearly because of my fears. But over the week, I have come to realize how important you are to me. I met you when I was in a very bad place in my life, yet being with you has strengthened me in so many ways. Thanks to you, I found the courage to believe in my dream again and even managed to land a role.

  The future, and my inadequacies, still scare me. But instead of thinking of the hypothetical future, I will look at the next moment, and then the next. Bit by bit, I
will make progress. And one day I will become fearless.

  By the time I’m finished practicing it in my head, I hear a swish and catch Henry coasting past the kitchen. He took longer than usual to get dressed today, even skipping breakfast. But after rehearsing all night, I’m not about to let him walk out that door without confessing my feelings. I’ve dilly-dallied enough. No more.

  “Henry!” I shout, stopping him in his tracks.

  He rotates towards me, pulling one eyebrow up. “Yeah?”

  I fight to continue looking him in the eye. This could change everything between us. But in my heart, I am convinced that he loves me, too. He told me so, after all.

  “I have something to tell you…”

  Traipsing towards me, he lays his laptop bag on the sofa. “Me too.”

  Really? He does? I wonder what it could be.

  “You go first,” I suggest magnanimously, wondering whether he intends to confess too.

  I might have shot down his first confession…maybe even his second…but third time’s the charm, right?

  Henry loosens his shoulders, before tensing up like a violin string about to snap. “I want to propose something.”

  Propose? He wants to marry me? So soon? I’m not ready for this. I’m so not—

  “I’ve decided to date Glenda,” he completes, eyes cast to the earth. “You know, the librarian. She works at—”

  “I know who she is,” I cut in.

  “Yeah…” He cups the back of his head. “After you rejected me, I sorta…ran into her and…developed feelings for her.”

  Shock parades through my features. My jaw drops in confusion before I can get the right syllables out. “De-developed feelings?”

  What? WHAT! How did this happen? How did he fall for that mousy woman? She sounds like Minnie Mouse. How…

  “Yeah. It’s sudden, but I am going to start dating her. And…I’m not very good at communicating with women.” He shrugs. It’s that adorable shrug of his. But I hate it so much now. “The pointers you gave me before my big presentation really helped me, so I’d like to propose an arrangement for Friday evenings where you tutor me in communication. I’d really like this relationship to work. Glenda is the nicest woman I’ve ever met.”

  “Tutoring…oh, that’s the proposal…”

  Damn, I should’ve gone first. They say ‘ladies first’ for a reason. Men cannot be counted on to not ruin the moment if they go first.

  And what’s with him falling in love with another woman just a week after we returned from LA? That’s fickle as hell. I didn’t think he’d fall in and out of love that easily. What in the world happened to steadfastness?

  Henry twists his body awkwardly. “So what do you say? I know it’s sudden and I’d completely understand if you don’t want to do it. You can think about it over the weekend.”

  In a lethargic voice, I say, “I’ll let you know once I decide.”

  My answer will surely be a no. I mean, why in hell should I help him get lovey-dovey with Glenda? And what kind of name is Glenda anyway? The good witch from Wicked is called Glenda too, and she’s as annoying.

  “Thanks.” Henry picks his bag back up. “So what did you want to say?”

  “Me…oh, I got a callback for the part I auditioned for.” My voice is devoid of any enthusiasm; I’m merely relaying facts. “The show is set in New York, so they’ll be filming here, but I won’t be able to work part-time anymore. This is my last month on the job. I wanted to let you know.”

  “Thanks for telling me.” Dazed, he loses his balance and has to hold on to the edge of the table to stay on his feet. “And congratulations…on the role.”

  “It’s only a callback. I haven’t been booked yet,” I clarify. “But I have a feeling this will be my big break. My days of struggle are over. Emmys, here I come.”

  I do such a poor job of convincing even myself that I’m happy about this that I begin to wonder how I became an actress.

  Stuffing his hands into his pocket, Henry rubs his cheek against his shoulder. “Good to hear that. So you’ll be going back to LA soon?”

  “Yeah.” I manage a quick nod. “Next week, I’ll need a few days off.”

  “Sure.” He manages a brusque reply before he slinks out of the house with a short, “Bye,” oblivious to the tears sliding down my face.

  I watch his back get further and further away, a star beyond the reach of a human like me.

  My chest folds in on itself, like a slipshod Jenga tower, the blocks tumbling noisily, echoing discordantly. I don’t have any strength to even wipe away my tears.

  Dang it. I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I lost my love before I had a chance to ever tell him that he was the love of my life, to deliver my brilliant speech. Rejection is a terrible feeling, but this is worse.

  If I’d told him and he’d rejected me, I could still have remained in his memory. Many years later, maybe to his wife or his children, he’d recall: ‘There was this crazy girl who professed to loving me. Man, she was something.’

  But now I can’t even be that girl. I’ll have no part of his memory.

  That’s what hurts so much.

  *

  “Uncle Henry is going to date Glenda? Cool.”

  Lucien sure seems stoked by the news, I think to myself gloomily later that day, leaning against the kitchen island watching him scarf down my lovingly prepared lasagna.

  Glee shines bright on his baby-soft skin, while I mope, feeling the exact opposite of gleeful.

  Disbelief is still thick in my veins, but it’s slowly fading out. I’m beginning to acknowledge that maybe I made Henry wait too long; that I sabotaged my chances with him because I was too scared to believe in myself or in him.

  And that’s why I’m seeking love advice from a nine-year-old with no love life to speak of.

  “Yeah, go ahead and rub salt in my wounds,” I mumble to Lucien, then start to wail. “I really wanted to date Henry. I was this close to telling him. Why did she have to beat me to it? And that man…how could he agree to date that librarian with the Minnie Mouse voice? Doesn’t he have standards? Argh!”

  “Calm down.” Lucien pats my shoulder. “Or you’ll ruin the counter you just wiped.”

  “Good point.” I raise my butt onto the island. “But what do I do now? The love of my life is gone. My boat has sailed. The ball’s out of my court.”

  Lucien pauses, rubs his chin. Hope rises in my chest. He’s surely going to come up with some brilliant strategy to win back Henry. I can feel it in my bones. Somehow everything will go back to being good. He’s always gotten me out of trouble. I trust Lucien Stone’s intelligence.

  But instead of telling me how to win Henry back, Lucien shocks me with: “Hey, Max, will you marry me?”

  My knees nearly give out from the shock. “Have you lost it? You want to marry me? Why?”

  I don’t know how to react to this sudden romantic interest Lucien is showing in me. It doesn’t even seem serious. I’m sure he has an ulterior motive in even asking me this question. Never trust the devil.

  “So I can move out of my house,” he says, matter-of-factly.

  So that’s why. Didn’t take him long to confess.

  “Are you so desperate to get away from your mom?” I ask.

  Actually, if Emilia Stone was my mother, I’d be desperate, too, so Lucien has all my sympathies.

  “I don’t hate Mom. I don’t hate Dad, either. I just hate them when they’re together,” he says.

  Unable to stand his sad expression, I pull him into a hug on my lap. His small body feels snug against my chest. “I get the feeling, kiddo. My parents argued a lot, too.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I slipped into my own world and pretended to be a princess who lived in a palace with an army of servants who catered to my every whim. I had a servant whose only purpose was to paint my toenails.”

  Lucien sneers. “No wonder Mom thinks you’re cuckoo.”

  “As if you have the
right to say that to me.” I pout. “I could have become your aunt one day if Henry had chosen me instead of that weird-ass librarian.”

  Lucien rubs the heel of his palms in circles around the table. “I’m glad you’re not going to be my aunt though. Aunts are always mean. I mean, look at Harry Potter’s aunt. Or Alice in Wonderland’s aunt. They were evil.”

  “You’re not Harry Potter,” I remind him. “Or Alice in Wonderland.”

  “How d’you know that?”

  “Fine. Then make the dust in this house magically disappear with your wand.”

  Lucien blows out a sigh of protest. “That’s not what I meant.”

  “Lucien.” I clutch his shoulders. “If I ever…not that I’m likely to now…but if I ever become your aunt, I promise to be the most wonderful aunt in the world. An example for aunts to emulate in the future.”

  This doesn’t convince him. He shrugs out of my grasp.

  “Can’t you marry me instead? What does Uncle Henry have that I don’t?”

  “Wisdom teeth, for one,” I say drily. “But most importantly—he has my heart.”

  Lucien kicks my foot. “Get another heart. My mom does heart transplants four days a week at the hospital. If I put you on the waitlist now, you’ll have a new heart in six months.”

  I should’ve known that heart metaphors were not going to go over well with him.

  I sling my arm around the fruit basket. “Thanks for the offer, kiddo, but I like my current heart. It works pretty well, all things considered.”

  Lucien bites his lip. “Guess I have no choice but to sabotage things between Uncle Henry and the librarian, then.” He shakes his head exaggeratedly. “Can’t believe the things I do for you.”

  “No, please don’t break them up.” I slam my fists on the kitchen counter. “I don’t want to force Henry to love me. I want him to love me because he can’t bear not to love me.”

  “How foolishly romantic.” Lucien rolls his eyes.

  Am I? Am I being foolishly romantic? Is hoping for Henry as delusional as hoping for an Oscar? I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I feel terribly lost and confused. And sad.

  “Max, for your own good, you should let him go.” Lucien gobbles down a mouthful of his lunch.