My Very UnFairy Tale Life

by Anna Staniszewski

  “All right, let’s go,” I said. I had the two frogs jump onto my shoulders, and then I got into position. The League members gathered around Anthony, ready to strike with their magic. There was an earsplitting Pop! and the castle door shattered into a billion pieces.

  We ran out from behind the trees and charged toward the hole where the door had been. Almost instantly, energy beams started flying toward us as dozens of animal guards poured out through the entrance. Anthony led the way, magic flying from his hands, while the frogs and I stayed behind him.

  As we got closer, three figures emerged from the entrance, and I only needed a second to recognize them as my favorite trio of guinea pigs. Their eyes widened when they caught sight of me.

  “No!” I heard one of them say.

  “Not you again!” said the second.

  “Why can’t you just leave us alone?” asked the third.

  The three guards looked at each other. Then they let out high-pitched squeals, threw down their weapons, and scampered away. In a moment, they had disappeared into the woods.

  If only the sight of me was enough to scare off all the guards!

  As Anthony and I got closer to the incinerated door, more and more of Klarr’s guards fell around us, the League’s magic putting them into a deep sleep. We might have been outnumbered, but the League members were determined. After all those years of living under Klarr’s spell, they were ready to be done with him once and for all. And so was I.

  We finally fought our way into the castle and charged down a long corridor. It was lined with colorful, striped fabric and smelled like popcorn. From somewhere deep inside the castle, I could hear faint circus music. It had to be part of Klarr’s act, the one he’d tortured Prince Lamb and the other prisoners with.

  “Go toward the music!” I yelled just before we hit yet another wave of guards and even more energy beams shot toward us. I shrieked as one of them whizzed past my head, singeing off a clump of hair. At least it hadn’t been my head. Even Ribba’s styling skills couldn’t cover up something like that.

  We went down one corridor after the next, the music getting louder. There were so many guards that I was starting to wonder if we’d make it, but the League didn’t back down. Crong was zapping guards left and right, and even Ribba, who had never seemed all that magical, was conjuring up swarms of flies and shooting them at the guards’ eyes.

  Finally, I spotted a big wooden door at the very end of the corridor. The music was coming from behind it. More than a dozen guards were clustered in front of the door, clearly frightened but willing to go down with the ship. I guess none of them wanted to face Klarr if they failed to protect him.

  “How are we going to get through all those guards?” I said.

  “Don’t worry, Jenny-girl!” said Anthony. “I’ll get us inside. Just stay behind me.”

  The gnome let out a cry and charged forward, energy beams blasting from his hands. I darted after him, the frogs still on my shoulders. Guards fell around us as Anthony managed to clear a path to the door.

  When we finally reached the doorway, Anthony pushed me behind him to protect me. And that’s when I heard the loudest Zap! in the world, like ten different energy beams coming together. The beams hit Anthony right in the chest, and he let out a stunned cry. He stumbled backward, almost knocking into me, before falling forward onto the floor.

  “Anthony!” I cried.

  I started to kneel down to see if he was all right, but Crong’s voice stopped me: “There’s no time, Mistress! We have to go on. The rest of the League will stay behind to keep the guards back.”

  I realized that only a handful of the League members were still with us, most of them without mouths. The rest must have either fallen back or been knocked out. Behind me, the music throbbed through the door. How could we defeat Klarr with only me and the frogs to challenge him? But Crong was right. If we didn’t go ahead now, we’d lose our chance. The battle would be over. I had no choice but to leave Anthony behind and hope he was all right.

  “Okay, let’s go!” I said.

  Ribba and Crong stayed rooted to my shoulders, deflecting energy beams, while I turned and heaved open the door. A wave of music rushed at my face, making me stumble back. I forced myself onward and slammed the door shut behind me. The sounds of battle faded, replaced by blaring horns and deep drums.

  We were inside a giant, circular room that looked just like the inside of a circus tent. On the edge of the ring was an invisible band, with horns and cymbals and flutes all playing themselves. There were no seats or bleachers, only a huge red chair in the center of the ring. And in the chair was Klarr, his eyes focused upward. I realized he was looking at a lone figure dangling from a trapeze, its hands bound together. It was Prince Lamb.

  The sorcerer’s eyes swung toward us, and the music came to a sudden stop. With a crash, the cymbals and trumpets fell to the floor. And then there was silence.

  Chapter 20

  Steady, I told myself as I stared into Klarr’s terrifying face. You can do this.

  The clown got up from his giant chair and took an enormous step forward. One of his red shoes crushed a balloon in his path, making it explode with a deafening pop.

  “Release the prince!” I demanded, trying to keep my voice from shaking.

  Klarr’s painted-on smile stretched from ear to ear as he grabbed something from his pocket.

  “He’s got a poison flower!” said Ribba.

  It was time. I started to laugh as loud as I could, thinking of any funny thing I could imagine: Prince Lamb impressing the boys at my school by eating napkins, Aunt Evie tickling the angry duck in our kitchen, and the totally terrified looks on my teachers’ faces when they’d seen Halga swooping above our school. None of those things had seemed funny at the time, but now I was practically crying as I thought about them again. Ribba and Crong joined in, their froggy laughter echoing alongside mine.

  The poison flower fell from Klarr’s hand and landed on the dirt floor. He clapped his oversized hands over his large ears, trying to block the sound. Encouraged, I laughed even louder, laughing not only at memories but at myself. I’d been so afraid of this silly clown, and all along he could’ve been defeated by something so simple.

  Klarr doubled over.

  “It’s working!” Ribba cried.

  And in that moment, everything shifted. Klarr straightened up, as if he’d gotten a burst of energy. Ribba started to laugh again, louder than ever, but it was too late. We’d given him a second to gather his strength, and that was all he’d needed.

  Tears were streaming down my face and my stomach was aching, but the laughter wasn’t working anymore. Even though Klarr was still clearly in pain, he was moving toward us again, step by step. His eyes were murderous slits.

  I stumbled back, still trying to laugh, but it was no use.

  Klarr lifted his hands, and I knew what was coming. He was going to paralyze and torture me again. I wanted to turn and run, but I made myself stand my ground. I wasn’t going to leave Prince Lamb behind.

  Klarr’s fingers began to glow, and I braced myself for the worst.

  But at that moment Prince Lamb let out a battle cry, swung himself off the trapeze, and landed right on top of Klarr’s head. The sorcerer staggered back in surprise. He tried to swat the prince away with his giant hands, but Prince Lamb managed to hang on to Klarr’s curly wig.

  Before I could do anything to help, Crong tore past me and charged at Klarr, energy beams flying out of his hands. But even though the sorcerer was distracted, he waved his arm and a thick beam of energy shot out of his fingertips. Crong fell to the ground without a sound.

  “No!” Ribba and I both cried as we ran to the frog. I turned him over and was relieved to see he was still breathing. He was knocked out but all in one piece.

  “Help!” Prince Lamb sudden
ly cried.

  Klarr had finally managed to pluck the prince off of his head. He was holding Prince Lamb upside down and trying to shoot energy beams at him with his free hand.

  “Get away from him!” I yelled, but that only made Klarr shoot at me instead. Ribba and I dove behind the giant chair as the beam hurled past us.

  “What are we going to do?” asked Ribba.

  I peeked out from behind the chair and saw the prince duck out of the way of another energy beam. It scorched the curved wall instead. The prince swung his leg out and tried to kick at Klarr’s head, but he only managed to make contact with Klarr’s giant red nose.

  Prince Lamb’s eyes widened. “Jenny, look!” he cried.

  I leaned forward and saw that not only had Klarr’s nose been knocked out of place, but that there was something underneath.

  I stared in disbelief.

  Where Klarr’s nose had been was a big, gaping hole. All this time the clown’s red nose had been covering up a misplaced mouth!

  The sorcerer stood frozen, as if he couldn’t believe his secret had been uncovered.

  But I was anything but frozen, because everything finally clicked into place. It was just like in mini-golf! To win the game, you had to get the ball into the clown’s mouth.

  “Ribba, I need your help,” I said, pulling my trusty pink mini-golf ball from my pocket. “I need you to infuse this ball with laughter.”

  The frog’s eyes widened. “You need me to what?”

  “It’s the only way we can defeat Klarr. Use your magic to put my laughter into this ball.”

  “But I don’t have that kind of power!” said Ribba. “Crong’s the one—”

  “Crong is unconscious. It’s up to you. You have to at least try.”

  Ribba nodded, but she still looked terrified. “If you laugh…I might be able to capture it.”

  I couldn’t think of a single funny thing, but I made myself fake the heartiest laugh I could. Ribba waved her tiny arms, and the air in front of my mouth started to glow. Then she pointed her hands toward the pink ball and held them there.

  I waited for the ball to start glowing too, but nothing happened.

  “It’s not working!” I said. Maybe my fake laughter was the problem.

  “Let me try again,” said Ribba. This time, she looked more confident. “Give me another laugh.”

  I heard Prince Lamb cry out, and I knew we didn’t have much time. I closed my eyes and the image of the citizens of Speak floated into my head again. And all of a sudden, I realized how hilarious it had been. All those eyes staring back at me, all those empty spots where mouths should have been. It was so totally creepy! And I’d had to stand there with a frog in my mouth, trying not to scream or cry or laugh, and act like this kind of thing happened to me all the time. I started laughing so hard, my stomach felt like it was spasming.

  When I couldn’t giggle a second longer, I opened my eyes and saw that the laughter was glowing in front of my face like it was on fire. Ribba waved her small hands, and this time the glowing laughter started to weave itself into the ball. It wrapped around it like a cocoon and slowly settled into all the tiny pink holes.

  Ribba fell back on the ground and the glow disappeared. “It’s done,” she said, panting. Clearly, the magic had taken a lot out of her.

  I grabbed the ball, and it made my fingers tingle with warmth. I was ready to jump out from behind the chair when I realized I didn’t have a club to hit the ball with. My mind swirled, trying to find a solution. Crong was still unconscious, and Ribba was too weak to conjure anything. No one else had the magic to do it.

  Wait!

  I suddenly realized that Dr. Bradley had to be watching us on his puddle screen, just like he always did on my adventures.

  “Dr. Bradley!” I cried. “If you can hear me, I need your help! I need you to send me your cane!”

  Nothing happened. Prince Lamb let out another cry, and I knew I was running out of time. If I didn’t have a club, I’d have to throw the ball at the clown and hope I didn’t miss.

  But then, something by my feet started to glow. Pop! Dr. Bradley’s wooden cane appeared on the ground.

  “Thank you!” I cried to the air. I should have known the doctor would come through.

  I didn’t waste another second. I leaped out from behind the chair and ran over to where Klarr and Prince Lamb were still in the middle of a wrestling match. When Klarr saw me, he threw the prince on the ground and started to stomp my way. I should have been terrified, but this time I was determined. I wasn’t going to let this clown mess with me anymore.

  I placed the ball on the ground, wound up, and swung the cane with perfect form. The end of the cane connected with the pink ball, and it sailed through the air. All that practice had really paid off. My aim was dead-on. Before Klarr could duck out of the way, the ball went straight into his nose hole.

  Hole in one.

  For a second, nothing happened. Klarr only straightened up, a surprised look on his face. Then his skin started to change. It shrunk and shriveled like it was being sucked inward. His eyes went cross-eyed, and his grin turned more and more into a frown. From deep inside of him came the sounds of laughs and giggles and chuckles. They grew louder and louder and louder until—

  BAM!

  There was an earth-shattering explosion, and I was thrown to the ground. Almost instantly, what seemed like bucket-loads of confetti started to rain down all around me.

  And then everything was silent.

  I looked around for any signs of Klarr, but the ground near the trapeze was empty except for the confetti still falling from the ceiling. The only thing I could see in the dirt was my trusty mini-golf ball. When I picked it up, it was so hot that it almost burned my hand.

  Still in shock, I went to untie Prince Lamb. “Are you all right?” I said. “Are you hurt?”

  “A little bruised but okay,” he said, grinning. “I knew you could defeat him!”

  I couldn’t believe it. Was Klarr really gone? I glanced around again, expecting to see him charging toward me, but nothing was there.

  “We’re really safe, thanks to you,” said the prince. “This means I can finally go home!”

  I looked at him. “Do you mean you want to come back to your world?”

  “Of course I do,” said Prince Lamb, smoothing his hair into place.

  “But wouldn’t you rather stay in my world and be popular? If you come back here, you’ll have to be a prince again.”

  Prince Lamb smiled. “Jenny, being popular has been absolute torture. People hang on my every word even more than when I was a prince. I would gladly give it up.”

  “What? But if you hated being popular, why did you do it?”

  Prince Lamb blushed. “To impress you, of course. Ribba told me that girls only like popular boys.”

  I almost swallowed my tongue. Prince Lamb had done all of that to impress me? I didn’t know if I should be flattered or amused, so I settled for a bit of both. “Thanks.”

  “Jenny?” a thin voice asked from somewhere nearby. It was Ribba. She still looked pale and weak, but she was also smiling. “Crong’s waking up.”

  As if on cue, Crong lifted his head and looked around. “What happened?”

  “Jenny did it!” Prince Lamb said, beaming.

  Crong blinked and slowly sat up. “Is Klarr…?”

  “He’s gone,” said Ribba, her eyes shining with tears.

  I nodded, the truth finally sinking in. “It’s over. We defeated him.”

  “You defeated him,” said Prince Lamb.

  “If you hadn’t knocked off his nose, and if Ribba hadn’t worked her magic, and if Dr. Bradley hadn’t sent me his cane, we’d all be in Klarr’s trapeze act by now,” I said. “It was a team effort.”

  It w
as really over. After everything, I’d never have to worry about being attacked by an evil clown again. I let out a long sigh. I felt like I’d been holding my breath for weeks.

  Suddenly, the door to the chamber burst open. I spun around, ready to fight whatever guards were headed our way. But I almost fell over with relief when I saw Anthony grinning back at me.

  “You’re okay!” I ran over and gave him a bone-crushing hug.

  Anthony chuckled as he hugged me back. “Of course I’m okay. I just took a little snooze, that’s all.”

  “You were amazing,” I said. “The way you charged those guards. We couldn’t have gotten to Klarr without you.” For the first time ever, I was proud to call Anthony my guide.

  He shrugged one of his shoulders. “I had to work off all those calories somehow, didn’t I?” He popped a gum ball into his mouth and looked up at the last few pieces of confetti falling from the ceiling. “You did pretty good yourself, Jenny-girl. Seems we were right about you being the one to defeat that ridiculous clown.”

  “What about the guards?” I asked.

  “They surrendered to us. Turns out they weren’t big Klarr fans either. It looks like we have ourselves a good, old-fashioned victory.”

  I started to ask about the prisoners in the dungeon but was cut off by a strange sound all around us, like the air rushing out of a balloon. When I glanced up, I saw that the ceiling was sagging.

  “The castle’s deflating,” I said. “Quick, we have to get out of here!”

  I herded everyone out into the hall and back through the maze of corridors as the walls started coming down all around us. We managed to make it outside before the main entrance began to collapse.

  I was glad to see that the other League members had made it to safety and were helping the last of the prisoners out of the dungeon as the castle’s stone walls started to sag and buckle. Even the towers were shrinking. Now that Klarr was gone, his castle was disappearing with him.