Stupid American History: Tales of Stupidity, Strangeness, and Mythconceptions

by Leland Gregory

  The Gulf of Tonkin Resolution unanimously passed the House with only forty minutes of debate. Congress wasn’t aware that the resolution had been drafted several months before the Gulf of Tonkin Incident ever took place.

  A WAKE-UP CALL

  During the days of the Pilgrims, church services weren’t confined to today’s standard one-hour sermon. In fact, they would routinely go on for up to seven hours. So how did the Pilgrims keep people awake that long? A simple device, which consisted of a wooden ball on the end of a length of string, served to bonk the nodding member of the congregation awake.

  IRONICALLY, THE CONSTITUTION OF THE CONFEDERATE

  STATES OF AMERICA FORBADE THE PRACTICE OF IMPORTING

  SLAVES FROM OUTSIDE THE CONFEDERACY.

  LOOK IT UP

  Infamous American dictionary maker Noah Webster adamantly hated the British and was simultaneously filled with American pride. He thought total separation from the English and their language was in order. “America must be as independent in literature as she is in politics,” he wrote, and for him that included freedom from British spelling. Webster published his first dictionary, A Compendious Dictionary of the English Language, in 1806, and included his Americanized spellings. “Centre” was changed to “center,” “honour” to “honor,” and “programme” to “program.” “Colour” became “color,” “theatre” changed to “theater,” “travelling” to “traveling,” and so on. But his attempt to change “tongue” to “tung” didn’t meet with much success.

  SPARE THE ROD

  Connecticut laws in the late 1600s were, to say the least, strict. Here is one example:

  “If any man have a stubborn or rebellious Son, of sufficient understanding and years, viz. fifteen years of age, which will not obey the voice of his Father, or the voice of his Mother, and that when they have chastened him, he will not hearken unto them; then may his Father or Mother, being his natural Parents, lay hold on him, and bring him to the Magistrates assembled in Court, and testified unto them, that their Son is Stubborn and Rebellious, and will not obey their voice and chastisement, but lives in sundry notorious Crimes, such a Son shall be put to death, Deut. 21: 20. 21.”

  The Deut. 21:20.21 reference denotes that the city elders got this law from that particular passage from Deuteronomy in the Bible.

  DOUBTING THOMAS

  In 1801, Vice President Thomas Jefferson presented to Congress his Manual of Parliamentary Practice, in part because of the occasional tantrums that erupted in the Senate. One telling passage reads as if it had been written by a teacher of an unruly classroom: “No one is to disturb another in his speech by hissing, coughing, spitting, speaking or whispering to another; nor to stand up or interrupt him; nor to pass between the Speaker and the speaking member; nor to go across the [Senate chamber], or to walk up and down it, or to take books or papers from the [clerk’s] table, or write there.”

  STILL SEEMS LIKE A GOOD IDEA

  On April 27, 1911, Congressman Victor Berger of Wisconsin introduced a constitutional amendment to the House of Representatives that would abolish … the Senate. The preamble to the amendment read, “Whereas the Senate in particular has become an obstructive and useless body, a menace to the liberties of the people, and an obstacle to social growth.” A Congressional committee quickly and quietly squashed the amendment.

  NOT WITH A BANG

  The Civil War got its start during the Battle of Fort Sumter in Charleston Harbor, South Carolina, on April 12, 1861. One would think that a battle that kicked off such a war would have been bloody with a high body count, but it wasn’t. In fact, no one died during the one-day battle. There was a casualty, however, when Private Daniel Hough was killed when the cannon he was loading accidentally discharged. That incident happened on April 14, the day after the battle ended, during a surrender ceremony.

  THE CHOSEN PEOPLE

  It was called General Order No. 11, and it was the instructions for the expulsion of all Jews in particular military districts during a war—but it wasn’t World War II and the person who issued the order wasn’t Hitler. It was Major General Ulysses S. Grant and the order was issued on December 17, 1862, during the American Civil War. Grant was convinced that “mostly Jews and other unprincipled traders” were controlling the black-market trade in Southern cotton in Tennessee, Mississippi, and Kentucky. President Abraham Lincoln revoked the order a few weeks later following an outcry of protest from Jewish community leaders and members of both the press and Congress. Grant later shifted the blame to a subordinate, claiming he had written the order and Grant had just added his signature without reading the document.

  STONE COLD STONEWALL

  During the Battle of Chancellorsville, Virginia, from April 30 to May 6, 1863, Confederate General Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson gave strict orders to shoot any unknown or unidentified solider who approached their lines and to ask questions later. And, you guessed it, when Jackson and some of his men were returning from a reconnaissance mission, they were fired upon by their own troops. Jackson was wounded in his left arm; eight days later it was amputated. Following complications from pneumonia, Jackson died. He was considered by many to be the best strategist in the Confederate Army and quite possibly of either side.

  YOU CAN RING MY BELL

  The story of the Liberty Bell as we know it today came from an 1847 book entitled Washington and His Generals: or, Legends of the American Revolution by George Lippard, a Philadelphia journalist. Lippard was the one who created the whole story of the bell’s involvement in American independence, and thus he forged forever one of the greatest mythical symbols of American freedom.

  PRESIDENT LINCOLN HAD FOUR BROTHERS-IN-LAW

  WHO FOUGHT FOR THE CONFEDERACY.

  ICE CAPADES

  The theory has been that the Titanic sank because of a 300-foot gash that cut through the hull and all the watertight holds, dooming the ship to sink. But a naval architect who was on an expedition to uncover some of the mysteries of the Titanic has proven that the damage wasn’t nearly as extensive as previously believed. In fact, the whole area of impact added up to only about twelve square feet. But it was the location of the damage that sank the unsinkable ship. It was a series of six thin openings across the Titanic’s starboard hull, directly over six critical watertight holds.

  I’M OK, YOU’RE OK

  Technically, there never was a shoot-out at the O.K. Corral. You see, the shoot-out actually took place in a vacant lot between Harwood’s house and Fly’s Lodging House, nearly a quarter of a block away from the O.K. Corral. But it was referred to as the “Shoot-Out at the O.K. Corral” because “Shoot-Out by Fly’s Lodging House” wasn’t a suitable alternative.

  MARK MY WORD

  The second half of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn has been in the Erie County Public Library since the late 1800s, but no one knew what happened to the first half. That is, until 1990 when the first several chapters of the book were literally found in an old trunk in an attic. This trunk belonged to the late James Fraser Gluck, who was a benefactor of the library while he was alive. Evidently, Gluck convinced Twain to send the manuscript to him for the library, decided to take it home to read, and then forgot about it. Gluck died unexpectedly at the age of forty-five in 1897, ten years after the manuscript had been presented to the library. It is assumed that since there was no title page to denote what it was, the manuscript was simply put into a trunk when Gluck’s estate was settled.

  THE SHORTEST WAR IN AMERICAN HISTORY WAS THE

  SPANISH-AMERICAN WAR. IT LASTED FIVE MONTHS,

  FROM APRIL 25 TO AUGUST 12, 1898.

  A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE

  The Alien and Sedition Acts stifled not only newspaper reporters and editors but also some members of Congress. Representative Matthew Lyon of Vermont was sent to jail for four months and fined $1,000 for criticizing President John Adams in a Vermont newspaper. However, his constituents came to his aid, took up a collection to pay his fine, and made him the first congressman
to be elected, or reelected in his case, to office while still in jail.

  One of the original four parts of the Alien and Sedition Acts enacted on July 6, 1798, The Alien Enemies Act [officially “An Act Respecting Alien Enemies”], authorized the president to apprehend and deport resident aliens if their home countries were at war with the United States. That act was signed into law with no expiration date and it remains in effect today as 50 U.S.C. § 21–24.

  IT WAS THE FIRST SECOND-RATE BURGLARY

  It was a second-rate burglary of a Democrat party office, but it wasn’t in Washington, D.C., and it had nothing to do with President Richard Nixon. This break-in took place in 1930 and was ordered by President Herbert Hoover. According to the diary of Glenn Howell, a naval intelligence officer, he and Robert J. Peterkin were ordered by Hoover after “he received a confidential report alleging that the Democrats had accumulated a file of data so damaging that if made public it would destroy both his reputation and his entire Administration.” Howell wrote that they had searched the office but found nothing of consequence.

  KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY

  We would like to believe that the United States does not now have, nor ever has had, a royal family or a monarchial system of government. But if you look at the bloodline of certain presidents, you’ll see that a number of them have something in common—each other. Take, for example, the thirty-second president of the United States, Franklin Delano Roosevelt [1882–1945]. He was a relative of William Howard Taft, Theodore Roosevelt, Benjamin Harrison, Ulysses S. Grant, Zachary Taylor, William Henry Harrison, Martin Van Buren, John Quincy Adams, James Madison, John Adams, and George Washington.

  ARREST MAYOR MCCHEESE

  I guess you could call this a second-rate hamburglary. Richard Nixon, infamous for the second-rate burglary known as the Watergate scandal, was also accused of illegally raising the price of the McDonald’s Quarter Pounder from 59 cents to 65 cents. Included in the Articles of Impeachment against Richard Nixon was “21. Bribery, Fraud. Solicited and obtained for the reelection campaign of President Nixon, in June, July and August, 1972, from Ray A. Kroc, Chairman of the Board of McDonald’s, Inc., contributions of $200,000, in exchange for permission from the Price Commission, first denied on May 21, 1972, then granted on September 8, 1972, to raise the price of the McDonald’s quarterpounder cheeseburger, in violation of article II, section 4 of the Constitution and Section 201, 372, 872 and 1505 of the Criminal Code.”

  A REAL LAND HO

  As his crews were on the verge of mutiny, Columbus heard the words he had been praying for—land had been sighted. On October 12, 1492, a lookout named Rodrigo de Triana aboard the Pinta saw moonlight reflecting off a distant shore. The lookout was extremely excited, not just for his discovery, but also because he knew Columbus had promised a substantial reward to the first person who sighted land. But Columbus claimed he had seen the reflection the night before and didn’t want to excite the crew. So he kept the reward for himself.

  THOMAS JEFFERSON WROTE THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE

  IN JUST EIGHTEEN DAYS.

  GOING FOR THE GOLD

  Another American propagandist belief about the 1936 Olympics is that Hitler was outraged because a few black athletes walked away with the majority of medals and left the Aryans hanging their blond heads in shame. A quick, simple look at the record proves this is a false belief. Hitler was quite pleased with his country’s endeavors in the games because Germany was awarded the most medals. The Germans won thirty-three Gold, twenty-six Silver, and thirty Bronze for a total of eighty-nine medals. The next biggest winner was the United States with a total of fifty-six medals.

  IN NAME ONLY

  The Hudson River, the Hudson Strait, and Hudson Bay are all named after one man, the navigator and sea explorer Henry Hudson. In 1610, Hudson was financed by a group of English merchants to find the Northwest Passage, connecting the Atlantic to the Pacific Ocean, and thus Europe with the Orient. Hudson thought he was on the right track, but he headed south into what is now James Bay, and his ships became stuck in the ice. After a brutal winter in 1611, his crew was frustrated with Hudson, and they abandoned him, his son, and eleven crew members in a small boat and set them adrift. Hudson was never heard from again. It was not until the 1850s that Sir Robert McClure discovered a route through the Canadian Arctic.

  GIVEN THE BOOT

  The Boot Monument located in Saratoga National Historical Park in New York was erected in honor of Benedict Arnold’s heroism, his victory in the Battles of Saratoga, and for the injury he sustained to his leg during the battle. The monument is dedicated to “the most brilliant soldier of the Continental army … winning for his countrymen the decisive battle of the American Revolution and for himself the rank of Major General.” But because he later became a turncoat, the monument does not mention his name and is distinguished as the only war memorial in the United States that does not say whom it commemorates.

  GEORGIA ON MY MIND

  James Oglethorpe originally founded the colony of Georgia in 1732. He was granted a Royal Charter because of his intention to recruit settlers from English debtors prisons, which would theoretically rid England of its so-called undesirable elements. Oglethorpe also outlawed slavery. Another reason for Georgia’s significance was that it was a buffer between South Carolina and possible attacks from Spanish Florida and French Louisiana.

  DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD

  Savage Indians going on scalping raids is an enduring image in the mythic world of the Old West. But it wasn’t the American Indian who first started the scalping tradition—it was the Dutch. During the early 1700s, the Dutch initiated the “scalp bounty”: A fee was paid for Indian scalps. And in 1763, Benjamin Franklin pushed the Pennsylvania legislature to approve a bounty on Indian scalps as a way of placating a group of angry frontiersmen [the Paxton Boys] who complained the government wasn’t doing enough to protect them.

  OH, BROTHER!

  Randolph Jefferson is a name that most people don’t know. But if I mention his more memorable brother Thomas, then everyone knows who he was. Like most people who are compared to Thomas Jefferson, Randolph comes up short in the brains department. But it’s possible that Randolph might actually have been somewhat dimwitted. Even one self-effacing Monticello slave named Isaac said this about him: “He was one mighty simple man—used to come out among the black people, play the fiddle and dance half the night; hadn’t much more sense than Isaac.”

  A SYMBOLIC GESTURE

  Shortly after the Boston Massacre, which of course was named by the Patriots as a propaganda move, Henry Pelham made an engraving of the shootings. Paul Revere “borrowed” the engraving and did one of his own—surprisingly enough, Revere’s engraving got to the printers first and is now considered a patriotic icon.

  LA LA LAND

  Spanish governor Felipe de Neve founded what is now the city of Los Angeles on September 4, 1781, and named it El Pueblo de Nuestra Se$nTora la Reina de los $AAngeles de la Torci$uAncula [The Village of Our Lady, the Queen of the Angels of the Little Portion]. That’s why L.A. is called “The City of Angels.”

  Born in Vienna, Associate Justice Felix Frankfurter is the only naturalized American ever to serve on the Supreme Court. He was appointed to the Court in 1939 and served until his voluntary retirement in 1962.

  LOVE A MAN IN UNIFORM

  The Battles of Lexington and Concord spilled the first blood of the American Revolutionary War on April 19, 1775. So when the Second Continental Congress met in Philadelphia on May 10, 1775, they realized that if they acted quickly, they would have the opportunity to bottle up the whole of the British army in Boston. One of the most underrated founding fathers, John Adams, knew that to solidify the ranks of Congress, they would have to win over the delegates of the South. And the solution was already in the room: George Washington, decked out in his old military uniform that he hadn’t worn since 1758, was officially given the appointment of commander-in-chief of the Continental Army on June 15, 1
775.

  OH, HALE!

  On the short list of well-known American patriotic heroes is Nathan Hale, primarily remembered for his famous last words, “I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country”—which, of course, he probably never said. Frederick MacKensie, a British officer and eyewitness at the time of Hale’s death, wrote in his diary that Hale said he “thought it the duty of every good Officer, to obey any orders given him by his Commander-in-Chief.” Not as memorable, perhaps, but probably closer to the truth. But who was Nathan Hale? He is considered America’s first spy, and on his very first mission, he was captured in possession of maps showing British troop positions. After he confessed, Hale was hanged on September 22, 1776.