The Hard Life

by Flann O'Brien

  I honourably present to

  GRAHAM GREENE

  whose own forms of gloom I admire, this misterpiece

  All the persons in this book are real and none is fictitious even in part

  Tout le trouble du monde vient de ce qu’ on ne sait pas rester seul dans sa chambre—PASCAL

  CONTENTS

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Copyright

  1

  IT is not that I half knew my mother. I knew half of her: the lower half—her lap, legs, feet, her hands and wrists as she bent forward. Very, dimly I seem to remember her voice. At the time, of course, I was very young. Then one day she did not seem to be there any more. So far as I knew she had gone away without a word, no good-bye or good night. A while afterwards I asked my brother, five years my senior, where the mammy was.

  –She is gone to a better land, he said.

  –Will she be back?

  –I don’t think so.

  –Mean to say we’ll never see her again?

  –I do think we will. She is staying with the old man.

  At the time I found all this very vague and unsatisfying. I had never met my father at all but in due time I was to see and study a faded brown photograph—a stern upright figure wearing great moustaches and attired in a uniform with a large peaked cap. I could never make out what the uniform stood for. He might have been a field-marshal or an admiral, or just an orderly officer in the fire brigade; indeed, he might have been a postman.

  My memory is a bit mixed about what exactly happened after the mammy went away but a streel of a girl with long lank fair hair arrived to look after myself and the brother. She did not talk very much and seemed to be in a permanent bad temper. We knew her as Miss Annie. At least that is what she ordered us to call her. She spent a lot of time washing and cooking, specializing in boxty and kalecannon and eternally making mince balls covered with a greasy paste. I got to hate those things.

  –If we’re ever sent to jail, the brother said one night in bed, we’ll be well used to it before we go in. Did you ever see the like of the dinner we’re getting? I would say that woman Annie is a bit batty.

  –If you mean the mince balls, I said, I think they’re all right—if we didn’t see so many of them, so often.

  –I’m certain they’re very bad for us.

  –Well, that paste stuff is too thick.

  –How well the mammy thought nothing of a bit of ham boiled with cabbage once a week. Remember that?

  –I don’t. I hadn’t any teeth at that time. What’s ham?

  –Ham? Great stuff, man. It’s a class of a red meat that comes from the county Limerick.

  That’s merely my recollection of the silly sort of conversation we had. Probably it is all wrong.

  How long this situation—a sort of interregum, lacuna or hiatus—lasted I cannot say, but I do remember that when myself and the brother noticed that Miss Annie was washing more savagely, mangling and ironing almost with ferocity, and packing, we knew something was afoot. And we were not mistaken.

  One morning after breakfast (stirabout and tea with bread and jam) a cab arrived and out of it came a very strange elderly lady on a stick. I saw her first through the window. Her hair peeping from under her hat was grey, her face very red, and she walked slowly as if her sight was bad. Miss Annie let her in, first telling us that here was Mrs Crotty and to be good. She stood in silence for a moment in the kitchen, staring rather blankly about her.

  –These are the two rascals, Mrs Crotty, Miss Annie said.

  –And very well they’re looking, God bless them, Mrs Crotty said in a high voice. Do they do everything they’re told?

  –Oh, I suppose they do, but sometimes it’s a job to make them take their milk.

  –Well, faith now, Mrs Crotty said in a shocked tone, did you ever hear of such nonsense? When I was their age I could never get enough milk. Never. I could drink jugs of it. Buttermilk too. Nothing in the wide world is better for the stomach or the nerves. Night and day I am telling Mr Collopy that but you might as well be talking to that table!

  Here she struck the table with her stick. Miss Annie looked startled that her trivial mention of milk should induce such emphasis. She took off her apron.

  –We’ll see, she said ominously. Is the cabby outside? I have all the stuff ready in there.

  –Yes, Mr Hanafin is out there. Just call him in. Are these young gentlemen washed?

  –As far as possible. What the pair of them need is a good bath. You know the way the water is here.

  –The Lord save us, Mrs Crotty said grimacing, is there anything under heaven’s sky more terrible than dirt. But sure we’ll see after all that in good time, please God. Well now!

  Miss Annie went out and came back with Mr Hanafin the cabby. He had a ruby face, maybe from all the porter he drank, and was correctly dressed—hard hat and a caped surcoat of dark green.

  –The top of the morning to you all, he said genially. I was just saying, Mrs Crotty, that Miss Annie is looking very well.

  –Is that so? Well, she had a bit of a handful here but then Mr Collopy is another handful and maybe a little rest from him was as good to her as a fortnight in Skerries.

  –Ah now she has great colour, Mr Hanafin replied pleasantly. Is them two young archdukes to be me passengers?

  –Yes, Miss Annie said, they are the main cargo. See you don’t spill them out.

  –Be the dad, Mr Hanafin said smiling, Marius will be delighted. We’ll get a right trot: this morning.

  –Who is Marius, the brother asked.

  –The mare, man.

  Afterwards the brother told me he thought this was a strange name for a mare. Maria would have been better. He was a very wide-awake character even then. I think I used some coarse word here about the animal outside. He told me I should not speak like that.

  –Why?

  –Teresa would not like it?

  –Who is Teresa?

  –Our sister.

  –Our sister? WHAT?

  Mrs Crotty told Miss Annie to show Mr Hanafin where the baggage was, and she led him into the back room off the kitchen. There was a lot of noisy fumbling and pulling. The bulk of the baggage could only be explained by having blankets and pillows and other bedclothes tied up, for the wardrobe of the brother and myself was not … well … extensive. Perhaps there were curtains there, too.

  At last Mr Hanafin had everything packed away on the roof of the cab. It was summer and the brother and I travelled as we stood. Miss Annie carefully locked the house and she and Mrs Crotty stowed themselves fastidiously in the back seat of the cab, ourselves sitting facing them. The journey was enjoyable, great houses sliding past, trams clanging in the middle of the road, large thickly-made horses hauling heavy drays, and our own Marius making delightful music with her hooves. As I was later to know, our destination was Warrington Place, a rather junior continuation of lordly Herbert Place along the canal on the south side of the great city of Dublin.

  Reckoning backwards, I find I was about five years old. The year was 1890, and my young bones told me that a great change was coming in my life. Little did I know just then how big the change. I was about to meet Mr Collopy.

 
; 2

  THERE is something misleading but not dishonest in this portrait of Mr Collopy. It cannot be truly my impression of him when I first saw him but rather a synthesis of all the thoughts and experiences I had of him over the years, a long look backwards. But I do remember clearly enough that my first glimpse of him was, so to speak, his absence: Mrs Crotty, having knocked imperiously on the door, immediately began rooting in her handbag for the key. It was plain she did not expect the door to be opened.

  –There is a clap of rain coming, she remarked to Miss Annie.

  –Seemingly, Miss Annie said.

  Mrs Crotty opened the door and led us in single file into the front kitchen, semi-basement, Mr Hanafin bringing up the rear with some bags.

  He was sitting there at the range in a crooked, collapsed sort of cane armchair, small reddish eyes looking up at us over the rims of steel spectacles, the head bent forward for closer scrutiny. Over an ample crown, long grey hair was plastered in a tattered way. The whole mouth region was concealed by a great untidy dark brush of a moustache, discoloured at the edges, and a fading chin was joined to a stringy neck which disappeared into a white celluloid collar with no tie. Nondescript clothes contained a meagre frame of low stature and the feet wore large boots with the laces undone.

  –Heavenly fathers, he said in a flat voice, but you are very early. Morning, Hanafin.

  –Morra, Mr Collopy, Mr Hanafin said.

  –Annie here had everything infastatiously in order, Mrs Crotty said, thanks be to God.

  –I wonder now, Miss Annie said.

  –Troth, Mr Collopy, Mr Hanafin beamed, but I never seen you looking better. You have a right bit of colour up whatever you are doing with yourself at all.

  The brother and myself looked at Mr Collopy’s slack grey face and then looked at each other.

  –Well, the dear knows, Mr Collopy said, I don’t think hard work ever hurt anybody. Put that stuff in the back room for the present, Hanafin. Well now, Mrs Crotty, are these the two pishrogues out of the storm? They are not getting any thinner from the good dinners you have been putting into them, Annie, and that’s a fact.

  –Seemingly, Miss Annie said.

  –Pray introduce me if you please, Mrs Crotty.

  We went forward and had our names recited. Without rising, Mr Collopy made good an undone button at the neck of the brother’s jersey and then shook hands with us solemnly. From his waistcoat he extracted two pennies and presented one to each of us.

  –I cross your hands with earthly goods, he said, and at the same time I put my blessing on your souls.

  –Thanks for the earthly goods, the brother said.

  –Manus and Finbarr are fine names, fine Irish names, Mr Collopy said. In the Latin Manus means big. Remember that. Ecce Sacerdos Manus comes into the Missal, and that Manus is such an uplifting name. Ah but Finbarr is the real Irish for he was a saint from the County Cork. Far and wide he spread the Gospel thousands of years ago for all the thanks he got, for I believe he died of starvation at the heel of the hunt on some island on the river Lee, down fornenst Queenstown.

  –I always heard that St Finbarr was a Protestant, Mrs Crotty snapped. Dug with the other foot. God knows what put it into the head of anybody to put a name the like of that on the poor bookul.

  –Nonsense, Mrs Crotty. His heart was to Ireland and his soul to the Bishop of Rome. What is sticking out of that bag, Hanafin? Are they brooms or shovels or what?

  Mr Hanafin had reappeared with a new load of baggage and followed Mr Collopy’s gaze to one item.

  –Faith now, Mr Collopy, he replied, and damn the shovels. They are hurling sticks. Best of Irish ash and from the County Kilkenny, I’ll go bail.

  –I am delighted to hear it. From the winding banks of Nore, ah? Many a good puck I had myself in the quondam days of my nonage. I could draw on a ball in those days and clatter in a goal from midfield, man.

  –Well it’s no wonder you are never done talking about the rheumatism in your knuckles, Mrs Crotty said bleakly.

  –That will do you, Mrs Crotty. It was a fine manly game and I am not ashamed of any wounds I may still carry. In those days you were damn nothing if you weren’t a hurler. Cardinal Logue is a hurler and a native Irish speaker, revered by Pope and man. Were you a hurler, Hanafin?

  –In my part of the country—Tinahely—we went in for the football.

  –Michael Cusack’s Gaelic code, I hope?

  –Oh, certaintly, Mr Collopy.

  –That’s good. The native games for the native people. By dad and I see young thullabawns of fellows got out in baggy drawers playing this new golf out beyond on the Bull Island. For pity’s sake sure that isn’t a game at all.

  –Oh you’ll always find the fashionable jackeen in Dublin and that’s a certainty, Mr Hanafin said. They’d wear nightshirts if they seen the Brihish military playing polo in nightshirts above in the park. Damn the bit of shame they have.

  –And then you have all this talk about Home Rule, Mr Collopy asserted. Well how are you! We’re as fit for Home Rule here as the blue men in Africa if we are to judge by those Bull Island looderamawns.

  –Sit over here at the table, Mrs Crotty said. Is that tea drawn, Annie?

  –Seemingly, Miss Annie said.

  We all sat down and Mr Hanafin departed, leaving a shower of blessings on us.

  It is seemly for me to explain here, I feel, the nature and standing of the persons present. Mr Collopy was my mother’s half-brother and was therefore my own half-uncle. He had married twice, Miss Annie being his daughter by his first marriage. Mrs Crotty was his second wife but she was never called Mrs Collopy, why I cannot say. She may have deliberately retained the name of her first husband in loving memory of him or the habit may have grown up through the absence of mind. Moreover, she always called her second husband by the formal style of Mr Collopy as he also called her Mrs Crotty, at least in the presence of other parties; I cannot speak for what usage obtained in private. An ill-disposed person might suspect that they were not married at all and that Mrs Crotty was a kept-woman or resident prostitute. But that is quite unthinkable, if only because of Mr Collopy’s close interest in the Church and in matters of doctrine and dogma, and also his long friendship with the German priest from Leeson Street, Father Kurt Fahrt, S.J., who was a frequent caller.

  It is seemly, as I have said, to give that explanation but I cannot pretend to have illuminated the situation or made it more reasonable.

  3

  THE years passed slowly in this household where the atmosphere could be described as a dead one. The brother, five years older than myself, was first to be sent to school, being marched off early one morning by Mr Collopy to see the Superior of the Christian Brothers’ school at Westland Row. A person might think the occasion was one merely of formal introduction and enrolment, but when Mr Collopy returned, he was alone.

  –By God’s will, he explained, Manus’s foot has been placed today on the first rung of the ladder of learning and achievement, and on yonder pinnacle beckons the lone star.

  –The unfortunate boy had no lunch, Mrs Crotty said in a shrill voice.

  –You might consider, Mrs Crotty, that the Lord would provide, even as He does for the birds of the air. I gave the bosthoon a tuppence. Brother Cruppy told me that the boys can get a right bag of broken biscuits for a penny in a barber’s shop there up the lane.

  –And what about milk?

  –Are you out of your wits, woman? You know the gorawars you have to get him to drink his milk in this kitchen. He thinks milk is poison, the same way you think a drop of malt is poison. That reminds me—I think I deserve a smahan. Where’s my crock?

  The brother, who had become more secretive as time went on, did not confide much in me about his new station except that ‘school was a bugger’. Sooner than I thought, my own turn was to come. One evening Mr Collopy asked me where the morning paper was. I handed him the nearest I could find. He handed it back to me.

  –This morning’s I to
ld you.

  –I think that’s this morning’s.

  –You think? Can you not read, boy?

  –Well… no.

  –Well, may the sweet Almighty God look down on us with compassion! Do you realize that at your age Mose Art had written four symphonies and any God’s amount of lovely songs? Pagan Neeny had given a recital on the fiddle before the King of Prussia and John the Baptist was stranded in the desert with damn the thing to eat only locusts and wild honey. Have you no shame man?

  –Well, I’m young yet.

  –Is that a fact now? You are like the rest of them, you are counting from the wrong end. How do you know you are not within three months of the end of your life?

  –Oh my God!

  –Hah?

  –But——

  –You may put your buts back in your pocket. I will tell you what you’ll do. You’ll get up tomorrow morning at the stroke of eight o’clock and you will give yourself a good wash for yourself.

  That night the brother said in bed, not without glee, that somehow he thought I would soon be master of Latin and Shakespeare and that Brother Cruppy would shower heavenly bread on me with his class in Christian Doctrine and give me some idea of what the early Christians went through in the arena by thrashing the life out of me. Unhappy was the eye I closed that night. But the brother was only partly right. To my surprise, Mr Collopy next morning led me at a smart pace up the bank of the canal, penetrated to Synge Street and rang the bell at the residential part of the Christian Brothers’ establishment there. When a slatternly young man in black answered, Mr Collopy said he wanted to see the Superior, Brother Gaskett. We were shown into a gaunt little room which had on the wall a steel engraving of the head of Brother Rice, founder of the Order, a few chairs and a table—nothing more.

  –They say piety has a smell, Mr Collopy mused, half to himself. It’s a perverse notion. What they mean is only the absence of the smell of women.

  He looked at me.

  –Did you know that no living woman is allowed into this holy house. That is as it should be. Even if a Brother has to see his own mother, he has to meet her in secret below at the Imperial Hotel. What do you think of that?