“What the hell, boss,” Amy exclaimed when she burst through the doors. “You look awful, Brynn. Is everything alright?”
Jesus. What was that? The fucking question of the day? “Just wanted to whip up more cookies and cupcakes for the Halloweeners. If I get carried away, we can always donate the extras to the local daycares. Or whatever,” she added absently. “Don’t let me keep you from anything, Amy.” Brynn ended with a shrug.
She was going to let the ‘you look awful’ comment go unanswered. With the way things were going, if she had to come up with a plausible response each time the question got thrown in her face, she’d be spending day and night lying through her damn teeth.
IT TOOK JAX A LITTLE under four hours to drive from Bucks County to suburban D.C. in Virginia where his parents lived. He always loved coming home to the big colonial home where he and his brother had been raised. It was homey, quaint, screamed Americana, and housed many happy childhood memories.
Arriving at lunchtime, he pulled in the driveway, instantly spotted his mom’s car, and smiled. He wasn’t surprised she was at home and probably waiting for him. Last year she’d suddenly retired, deciding twenty-five years as a preschool teacher was long enough. These days she spent her time volunteering and working a couple of days a week at a local garden center where she could indulge her love of plants. His dad would be at school until late afternoon. He was a high school principal who always arrived early and stayed late. It was just the way he was. He’d be retiring soon as well and when he did, Jax hoped that Caleb would be back in the states so Adam and Kate Merrill didn’t have to spend any more time worrying about their youngest son. Both the Merrill boys had caused their parents enough anxiety. Putting it that way made Jax squirm. Thinking the worst part of his PTSD days were over, it was a bitch to realize he wasn’t in the clear. Not by a long shot.
Bounding down the path to the back door, Jax burst into the house and called out, “Mom! I’m home.” He heard a happy squeal then braced himself for the overdose of hugs and kisses he knew were coming his way.
“Why, Jackson Merrill, you are still the handsomest boy this side of the Mason-Dixon line,” she cried with unabashed joy as she came around a corner and lit up when she saw him. “Come give your mama some sugar and be quick about it.”
“Mom,” Jax murmured as he folded his mother in a comforting bear hug. Next to Brynn’s loving embrace, the arms around him now calmed him instantly. Maybe everything really was going to be all right.
After eating more food than any one human being had a right to scarf down, courtesy of his mom’s overactive need to feed him now that he was back under her roof, Jax hunkered down in his old room where he promptly fell asleep.
Both his parents looked in on him much later but aside from briefly rousing to greet his dad, he pretty much slept like the dead for the next two days. He didn’t dream at all, just slept. And then slept some more. On the third day he got up, showered, picked at some leftovers, watched some TV then went right back to sleep. Through all of this Adam and Kate Merrill kept watch over him but made no effort to find out what the fuck was going on.
Finally on Saturday, when he couldn’t sleep anymore, Jax came back to life slowly. It was Halloween and their property was covered with an abundance of fall decorations that he silently noted from the large front bay window where he stood drinking a huge mug of coffee as he stared out at the familiar world of his hometown.
He hadn’t heard his father’s approach until he was stranding right next to him. “Something about this seems sort of familiar son,” his dad pointed out somberly.
Jax looked up at him with a question in his eyes.
“You slept like you hadn’t shut your eyes for a year when you came back from Iraq,” Dad gently reminded him, wiping the question from his face. Ugh. He remembered.
“You ready to talk about whatever’s got you running, Jackson?”
There were a lot of things he wanted to get off his chest—stuff he knew needed to be discussed, but first he wanted some answers, and his dad was the only one who could shed some light on what was sticking in his brain.
“Can I ask you a question, Dad?” he asked.
“Sure son but something about your tone tells me I might not like it. You’re not in any trouble are you?”
Jax chuckled. Trouble? Yeah, he was in a world of trouble but not in the way his dad meant. “No trouble, Dad. Just confused. And curious. It occurs to me that you and Mom might have some answers about something that’s bothering me.”
His dad looked at him with an unreadable expression and sighed. “Okay Jax. C’mon then. Let’s go sit on the patio for a bit and get out of your mother’s hair. She’s making treat bags for tonight and between you and me, I could do without the candy temptation. No matter how old you get, why is it still three for you and one for me?” he joked good-naturedly.
They sauntered together into the backyard, stopping in the kitchen to top off their coffees then sat at the big table in the backyard. The quiet peacefulness was reminiscent of Brynn’s home. The reminder clutched at his heart.
“Let’s have it Jax. What’s on your mind?” his dad drawled. “You find your old dad’s stack of ancient Playboys in the garage or something?”
Jax smiled. “Yeah, Caleb and I found that shit a long time ago. Miss September 1977 was a particular favorite,” he snickered.
Adam Merrill laughed like hell and smacked him on the shoulder. “Like those blondes then, do you son?”
“How the hell do you remember that she was a blonde? Oh my God, Dad. Dirty old man much?” he yelped.
“Alright, alright. Enough of that. Spit out what’s on your mind.”
Jax heaved a deep sigh and just went for it. Let the chips fall where they may. “Dad…I’m in love with Brynn Baron-Wilde.” The look of shock on his father’s face followed quickly by what looked like embarrassment all but confirmed every one of his suspicions.
“I wasn’t born yesterday, and it took me about one full day to start wondering just what the fuck you and your old friend were up to. Just give it to me straight, Dad. Were you and the Wilde’s matchmaking when you sent me off to New Hope? I really need to know because shit’s all kinds of fucked up. I should tell you that I know all about the Wilde family connection to Bryanna Charles and the crazy old lady’s plan to marry Brynn off.”
“Wow. You missed your true calling. Maybe you should have tried your hand at being a private investigator, my boy. Sounds to me like you’ve got everything figured out pretty damn good without me saying a word.”
“The truth would help a lot,” Jax muttered.
His dad nodded and took a few sips of his coffee, staring out at the huge backyard. “Matchmaking is a pretty apt word I suppose,” he admitted after a minute. “Your mom and I hung out with Bob Wilde and his wife Darcy back in the spring at a fraternity reunion. Long story short, we were all lamenting the lack of grandchildren in our lives and next thing you know, we were plotting to hook our kids up, one way or the other. If it helps any, we’d be pushing Caleb at Brynn’s sister if you two didn’t work out.”
So. He’d been right. Sending him off to lend a hand on a restoration project was just a ruse in the hopes that the Wilde’s divorced daughter and the Merrill’s bachelor son would hit it off. Jesus Christ. Would serve his dad right if he told him just how well they hit it off. Only thing that kept him silent was protecting Brynn. Nobody needed to know that he’d had his hand in her panties and his tongue between her legs the first day they met.
“Right,” Jax grumbled. “So, you fucked with my life because you wanted grandkids.”
“Doesn’t sound all that flattering when you put it like that, and honestly—it was more about wanting our kids to be happy than having babies. Brynn just sounded like the sort of gal who would keep you on your toes. Didn’t think you’d be likely to settle for anything less and from what her parents said, she has a nurturing streak a mile wide.” His dad shrugged and threw him a pleading lo
ok. “We weren’t wrong, I take it, since this conversation began with you declaring to be in love with the lady.”
Silence descended while Jax considered what he now knew to be true. He’d only grumbled at his dad because he could. Truth was, he wanted to thank him for interfering, but since the outcome of his relationship with the woman in question was still very much up in the air, he kept that part to himself.
“I need to talk to Marty, Dad. Something happened with Brynn that really freaked me out. I almost … I mean, I could have …” He didn’t have the strength to fill in that particular blank. Luckily, his dad seemed to understand without him having to say anything else.
“He’s waiting for your call, son. There’s a support group that meets three times a week at the community center that we think you should go to. I don’t know what happened and don’t need to know unless you really want to talk about it, but if there’s a problem, I’m glad you knew enough to take a step back and get help.”
“I’m not going to lie to you…I fucked up pretty bad. And I wasn’t thinking straight when I left so Brynn’s probably pretty upset, but I can’t think about any of that until I get a handle on what’s happening to me.” Jax lowered his head and sat there dejected, scared, disgusted. All those things.
Adam Merrill put his hand on his oldest son’s shoulder and squeezed, letting Jax know he had his full support and love. “You’re a good man, son. Don’t ever forget that. Whatever is wrong, well…we can handle it. That’s what family is for. I’m sorry to hear that Brynn’s upset but she’s a strong woman if what her parents have said about her is even half true.”
“She’s amazing, Dad.” He had to stop there when emotion clogged his throat.
“C’mon,” his dad said. “Let’s go pig out on chocolate and drive your mama nuts for a while. I’ll call Marty and see if he can stop by. Get the ball rolling, okay?”
Jax nodded and rose, drawing his dad in for a hug. “I want you to be proud of me, Dad.”
“You’re a credit to this family, my boy—and I couldn’t be more proud if I tried. Don’t be so hard on yourself Jackson. Have a little faith.”
Brynn was sprawled on the sofa playing Call of Duty for what seemed like hours when she heard her cell phone chirp. She didn’t have to look at it to know it was Rhi calling for the fiftieth time in two days. She’d pushed her off yesterday blaming Halloween as a distraction so it really wasn’t all that much of a surprise that her sister was hell bent on pinning her down now that it was Sunday and one of her established days off.
Thing was, though, she didn’t want to talk to her. Didn’t want to talk to anybody for that matter. The last week had been sheer hell since Jax had up and left without a word. Days had gone by and he hadn’t made any attempt to contact her and as each moment passed, Brynn fell deeper and deeper into a melancholy that didn’t seem to have an end.
After the phone stopped ringing she got up and stumbled into the kitchen to grab some more ginger ale from the fridge. Her stomach was in a perpetual knot and she had a low grade thumper banging in her head morning, noon, and night. The plain carbonated soda and the occasional piece of toast slathered with strawberry preserves seemed to be the only thing she could choke down.
She stopped going to the loft to sleep right after Jax did his disappearing act and since her bedroom was still a mess from the en suite project, she’d been sleeping on the sectional couch in the den. It was just too much effort to even walk up the stairs so Brynn had thrown a bunch of clothes into big trash bags and hauled them into the den where she was camping out. Besides going to work every day, the rest of her time was spent in numb isolation. She didn’t have the heart to do anything but wallow, watch TV, play video games, and cry. In short—she was a fucking mess.
Amy was completely bent out of shape by her listlessness—and Brynn was pretty damn sure she was filling Rhiann’s head with all sorts of rubbish. Her assistant had been less than thrilled to learn that the sexy man in black had apparently done a flit and had been doing everything she could to mother Brynn which only set her teeth on edge.
Dragging her weary ass back to the den with a big glass filled with ice and ginger ale, she heard her damn phone ringing again and groaned. Fuck. She was going to have to answer if she didn’t want to find Rhi on her doorstep.
“What the hell is the matter with you?” she heard Rhiann screech the minute she picked up. “Are you trying to give me gray hairs or what?”
“Settle down sis,” Brynn begged. “I’m not up for a lecture.”
“Tough. I want to talk to you and that means now so don’t fuck around. Get your computer and video chat me in the next five minutes or I swear to God Brynn…”
Aw shit. Video chat? Dammit. She looked like death warmed over. “Can’t we do this on the phone, Rhi? I’m really not up for a face-to-face.”
“Five minutes, Brynn. You have five minutes or else I’m calling in the cavalry.” And with that her sister hung up the phone. Just fucking great.
Taking a slug of the cold drink, Brynn collapsed onto the sofa and pulled the laptop onto the coffee table in front of her. She took a minute to run her fingers through her hair and pinched her cheeks hoping to appear a bit more together than she felt.
The minute the chat connected and Rhi’s face appeared on screen, she attempted a half-hearted smile that fell off her face the minute Rhi started yelling.
“Oh my fucking God! What the fucking fuck Brynn? You look like shit. I’m going to fucking kill that motherfucking Butt Whacker.”
Well hell. That was about the last goddamn thing she wanted to hear. “Shut up Rhi. You don’t know what you’re talking about. And can you give the ‘fuck’ a rest? Not everything is about a man, you know.”
“Good Lord Brynn. Of course it is. When was the last time you looked in a mirror for fuck’s sake?”
She sighed. Mirror? What the hell was that? Only a reminder that she was alone. Again. No thanks.
“I’m not up for this, sis. Really. If all you’re going to do is bitch at me, this call is over. I’ve got shit to do.”
“Yeah? And what shit is that? Certainly not taking a shower or brushing your hair. Let me guess…I can see that you’re on the sofa and if I’m not mistaken, I also see a shitload of clothes slung over the back. Is there a game controller anywhere in your vicinity? Ah ha!” she shrieked when Brynn reflexively glanced at the headset and controller she’d been using. “I’m right, aren’t I?”
“I gotta go,” she mumbled, too emotionally weary and too tired to care anymore. “Think what you want. Don’t care.” And with that final statement she dismissed the chat and slammed the lid on the computer. Two seconds later she was running for the bathroom where she proceeded to puke up her guts while tears streamed and her heart broke just a little bit more.
Rhiann was on her doorstep the next morning, bright and early, having taken the train out of New York at the butt crack of dawn. Amy had picked her up at the station and delivered her to Wilde House on her way to open the tearoom. After banging on the door until Brynn staggered from the den, scowling with displeasure, she’d dropped an overnight bag in the foyer and quickly dragged her into the kitchen.
“Sit the hell down and shut the fuck up Brynn. First I’m going to feed you since you look like a meal hasn’t passed those lips in a week and then we’re going to talk.”
Brynn cringed when Rhi opened the fridge and discovered it basically empty.
“Well this is a fine mess,” she growled. “What have you been eating and that is not a rhetorical question.”
Sighing, Brynn wrapped her arms around her trembling body and hung her head. She’d been eating crap. Whatever sugary, fat laden nightmare that struck her fancy in the bakery along with the occasional fast food burger was all she bothered with. At the reminder, she felt her stomach rumble uncomfortably and tears sting her eyes. Shit. Her sister’s unsympathetic frown was only making things worse.
Suddenly, Rhi was at her side, rubbing her back
. “Girl, what’s going on here? This is more than a man doing you wrong. Please talk to me Brynn. Now you’re scaring the shit out of me.”
The dam broke and tears gushed from her eyes. Before she knew what was happening, Brynn was sobbing uncontrollably with her arms wrapped around Rhiann’s waist as her sister tried the best she could to comfort her.
“Talk to me Brynn,” she heard Rhi plead.
Hiccupping a sob, she looked up into her sister’s anxious face and croaked, “I think I’m pregnant.”
TWO FULL WEEKS HAD PASSED since Jax had left Brynn. He’d been engaging in an endless loop of therapy and group sessions with other veterans as he struggled to make sense of what was happening. Marty, his old counselor, had been a godsend, helping him cut through the bullshit and focus on the nitty gritty.
With his mother doting on him and his father supporting him every step of the way, Jax was beginning to see some light. Finding that he wasn’t alone with what he was feeling was a fucking relief. Knowing that others had gone through similar situations and been able to make sense from it was hugely reassuring.
It was a fellow Iraq vet who took him aside one afternoon and shared with Jax a similar story to what had happened that morning with Brynn. As a result he was gradually coming to understand that by falling in love he’d changed the dynamic of his PTSD issues. It wasn’t just about him anymore. That constant, grinding, ‘am I alright’ was being replaced by ‘are we alright’. Instead of just his life being on the line, now there was someone else who became even more important. It wasn’t about his safety any longer. It was all about Brynn.
When he’d imagined her in the midst of the hell he’d gone through, that was his subconscious dragging her along for the ride. Understanding that she was safe, that he’d always keep her safe, was when he started to turn the corner. Oh sure, he knew that shit happened, and he wasn’t God after all. But putting together a thousand puzzle pieces, going back to the beginning and remembering what those first difficult months were like after his return from the war, he started to see the inevitable paradigm shift.
Wilde Forever (Wilde Women Book 1) Page 38