Without Knowing (When You Wake Book 1)

by Ashley Parker

  "Eva, I'm Dr. Nyssa."

  I shuddered under her touch against my arm. No, no, no, no, please, no! My inner 9-year-old-self ducked behind the chair I sat in as I attempted to stay calm. Please don't touch me. My shudder didn't go unnoticed.

  "Dr. Nyssa, why don't you give us a minute? I think Eva wants to clean up a bit before you look her over." Caleb's eyes were crinkled with curiosity, but he smiled at Dr. Nyssa regardless.

  As she was closing the door behind her, he knelt in front of me. He was breathing more steadily and seemed more collected, unlike the previous hour of pacing and a possible psychotic breakdown.

  "What's going on?" he lowered his voice looking from the door to me.

  "Please don't leave me alone with her." Our eyes locked, and his widened not understanding my distress.

  "Is there a problem between you and Dr. Nyssa?"

  I shrugged my shoulders trying not to show how much I truly detested her.

  "Do you remember her?" Caleb's excitement grew and fell as I avoided the question. Did I remember her?

  I found myself sitting taller, straighter. In Caleb’s company, I felt much older than I should. To my surprise, it was a kind of maturity I could get used to.

  I felt tiny near Dr. Nyssa, like I was my age, or the age I thought I was. Nine was a solid age to be but I hadn’t been that age for some time and Dr. Nyssa brought out that scared little girl with her mere presence. It was all bad feelings with her.

  I swallowed the bile that lingered in my throat only for it to rise again as the door opened without permission.

  "Caleb, is everything okay?" She avoided any glances in my direction. Her youthfulness was distracting. I remember doctors being older, much older. They had stressful jobs and many years of school. Dr. Nyssa looked too young. She couldn’t be but Caleb’s age.

  Mom and Dad wanted me to be a doctor. We talked about the years I’d have to study to get halfway there. They had plans for me to start working towards that career early on. I didn’t fight them. It was easier to be what they wanted me to be but the long hours, lack of social life, no room for error, already determined path; that wasn’t what I wanted.

  "Well, Eva seems to have no memory of what happened to her." He rubbed the back of his neck more relaxed than before but a hint of annoyance lingered in his words to Dr. Nyssa.

  "Yesterday, we were hopeful. She woke up and talked for a bit; seemed fine. All the tests came back normal," she continued to speak at me.

  "Dr. Nyssa, I think we need to run more tests. I don't want to take any chances," Caleb was kind, kinder than I thought he would be. His face was beautiful, but he wasn't holding himself together like his graceful entrance to my embarrassing web of blankets.

  "I sure can." The overindulgent idiot leaned on her knees again. Yep, don't like her. I don’t like you. "Now, let's get you in a wheelchair and to the clinic for some more tests. How does that sound?" she blinked widely overstating each word as if I was just learning my ABCs. You forgot your sock puppet, lady.

  Her demeanor towards me was obvious, maybe too obvious, and her preference to Caleb was just plain sad. But as much as I wanted to lean on Caleb, something was off there too. His inability to accept that I couldn’t remember him but his easiness with my dislike for Dr. Nyssa confused me. Whatever the case, I just couldn't put my finger on what was nagging me about him.

  I suppose I needed to be careful, not forthcoming or overly sharing; At least for now. My lack of memory was enough to unnerve me and cause Caleb’s freak out, and we didn’t need any more theatrics. I had to remember, I was much older and I wasn't in my home or with my family.

  * * * * * * *

  I stared at the ceiling of the tube I was laying in. What felt like eight hundred tests later, I was sure steam was pouring out of the machine. This was the eighth machine, and it made way too much noise for my liking. The vibrations and extra loud spurts of thudding inflamed my achy head, making it unbearable to keep my eyes open.

  "Eva, you're almost done," Caleb's voice called through the speaker. "Are you okay?"

  "Yep," I said quickly, only briefly soothed by his lyrical voice.

  Each attempt to focus on my last memories were interrupted by another round of loud thudding, but the smell of cookies and the feeling of warmth, lightened my increasing hatred for these stupid machines that I was sure wouldn’t have the answers to my problem. She wouldn’t have the answers.

  The broken pictures became darkness under my eyelids as the smell of cookies disappeared. A tug at my chest sent shivers through me, and a sensation like I rubbed my socks on the floor and touched metal. I stood in the middle of a white forest, no longer surrounded by the unkind tube wishing for my head to explode.

  Though, I wasn’t sleeping. I didn’t drift off into the beautiful abyss to get away from the loudness or the confusion I was feeling. I wasn’t dreaming of fluffy unicorns or cotton candy. I wasn’t escaping the uncomfortable feeling of remembering homework, what I wanted to be when I grew up, and my parents; oddly in that order.

  The tug in my chest wasn’t a heart attack or death knocking at my door. Though, death was a concept I already accepted but I didn’t know why death was so comforting. It was a brief consideration that my parents were dead as I stood in a forest, covered in snow.

  The five seconds it took for me to travel from the tube to the forest were painful, but I was here and Caleb and Dr. Nyssa were not. It wasn’t a place I was remembering and somehow willed myself here. The forest wasn’t filled with cookies or tubes or homework. The white forest pulled me into its belly in a painful five seconds, the static was still lingering.

  My eyes wandered from tree to tree unknowingly hoping for some recollection of the right path to take. Leaves covered any path I'd walked behind me. Spinning in circles worsened my dizziness. I was somewhere, somewhere new I had never been. I didn't very much like how I was feeling in this new place.

  The tiny trees grew taller and wider making it hard to find a path. My heart raced leaving me breathless and my hands and feet moved without me. My eyes jagged in every direction repeatedly coming back to the same spot. My feet moved me in another circle causing my stomach to become unsettled.

  A bird calling in the distance pulled my attention from my deliriousness. I looked for the singing bird, only to find it flying through an opening where an opening hadn’t been before; the spot my eyes repeatedly came back to.

  Once covered by a thick trunk and vines of leaves, now a clear path shined brightly. I raced towards the opening, relieved. My feet moved quicker than my eyes, I tripped forward landing on my hands and knees, the rock no longer behind me. I stood up as quickly as my body would move and continued to the path. Another trip, more slips, all slowing me down.

  Suddenly, the path dimmed, moving farther from me until there was nothing to see.

  I shot upward hitting my face on the ceiling of the tube. Tears streamed down my face stinging at every cut. I lay back down only to feel like I was drowning. I can't be in here. I don't like it in here.

  "Get me out of here!" I panicked, hardly recognizing my own voice. “Please, get me out!” I begged.

  "Eva, calm down," I barely noticed Caleb’s hand on my foot.

  "Please, get me out of here. GET ME OUT!" I pounded on the inside of the tube.

  I found his eyes and with one tug, Caleb manually pulled the sliding couch out of the machine.

  "Caleb, what the hell are you doing? You just broke my machine!" Dr. Nyssa yelled, fiddling with her machine.

  I found the blood gushing down the front of my top to be scarier than the tiny framed Dr. Nyssa raising her voice, and the revealing top I was wearing was something I needed to be more worried about than a broken machine. The doctor ignored the faucet of blood coming from my nose and continued to play with her machine. Oh, Doctor, anytime now.

  Caleb ran towards me, towel in hand, brows furrowed. "Nyssa, get out."

  "Caleb…" She looked up.

  "Out! Now!" he
raised his voice. As if he knew she wasn't leaving, he spun around, leaving me to hold the towel.

  "I'm just trying to get the machine…" she grew defensive.

  "I'm pretty sure I told you to leave. Since this is my house, my clinic, and MY MACHINE, I tell you what to do, Dr. Nyssa." He towered over her.

  "Hey, I'm just trying…" She held up her hands in defense.

  "Your continued employment here was under one stipulation. I think it would be best if you didn't come back for a while. I'm sure your replacement will suffice while you’re taking some time off." His eyes burned.

  Her eyes widened with a certain confidence. "She's my patient."

  "And you are my employee," he growled matter-of-factually.

  "Caleb, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking clearly." She stepped towards him reaching for his chest. Her desperation from the moment I met her was sickening. He clearly wasn't interested, not like that, not right now.

  Grabbing her wrists midair, Dr. Nyssa's face fell and her eyes moped. For a moment, I felt sorry for her. Rejection sucked.

  "I could have someone assist you on your way," he stated. “Do I need to help you?”

  I was intruding, and bleeding, but somehow I was intrusive. This was something more than just a fight between an employer and his employee. The flicker in his eyes gave him away, but he stood his ground. They were a ball of contradictions today.

  Briefly, I thought they would make nice while I further suffered through this embarrassing display of…Well, I wasn't quite sure what this stare down was. I chose to concentrate on the one light in the ceiling that flickered in and out. I could still hear the bird calling for me.

  “Let’s get you back to your room.” Caleb lifted me gently from the machine and set me down in the wheelchair. Dr. Nyssa must have left while I was counting the flickers.

  He unlocked the wheels and pushed me out of the room. He stopped to lock the door and continued to follow the hall towards the elevator. I noticed a long set of stairs to my right before we turned to our left. We continued down the long dim hallway, passing door after door.

  Caleb’s pace slowed as he approached the only open door where Dr. Nyssa was packing her suitcases. It was curious how much he didn’t want her to leave and yet he was forcing her to go, even if it was just temporary. We continued pass and Caleb pulled me into my room, wheels first, flipping the lights on with his elbow.

  “Mr. Caleb, I don’t want to be the reason you two are fighting,” I said. I didn’t like her, but I wasn’t going to be in the middle of this mess.

  “Eva, please. And whatever is going on between me and Dr. Nyssa started long before today. I’m just sorry you had to see any of that.”

  “You shouldn’t make her leave, not because of me.” He pushed me towards to the end of the couch.

  “Eva, this isn’t something you need to worry about. And what does it matter, you’re not her biggest fan?” I watched him sit with such despair in his eyes.

  “Regardless of my feelings, you should never go to bed angry and you should never wake up mad.”

  “They kind of mean the same thing, don’t they?” he chuckled.

  “Not really. If you really cleared the air before you went to sleep, you slept peacefully and you wake up in a good mood.” I pulled myself up from the wheelchair using the crutches that leaned against the bed.

  “Can I help?” He stood up, his hands on my waist.

  “I’ve got this. Go handle your business. I’m sure I can find my way around this itty bitty place,” I laughed uncomfortably.

  “Eva, I know everything is a little confusing right now, but you can come to me.” He held onto my waist.

  “I’ll try to remember that,” I chuckled looking anywhere but at him.

  “Oh, how I wish I could keep you smiling all day long.” He looked at me with a smile that hugged me. One of his hands left my hip and cradled my face, bringing my eyes to his.

  It was a wonderland in those beautiful pearly blue eyes of his, both distracting and confusing. The dance in my stomach was something I never experienced before; that I could remember. I could melt right here, if he wasn’t so broken by the good doctor’s leave.

  “I’m sure I’ll be back to my old self in no time. But you should go, before she leaves.” I moved from his grasp, his hand slid from my waist slowly, leaving the dancing vibrations to move through my body.

  “I’ll check on you in a bit.” He reached for the doorknob. “And thank you, Eva.”

  “Now go.” I smiled.

  I went into the bathroom hoping to put myself back together. I tossed my barely there, blood soaked top, bra, and towel on the floor. The reflection in the mirror still surprised me.

  My hands shook as I reached for a clean towel off the rack next to me. I washed the dried blood from my face, paying special attention to my long, thin, tender nose. My neck and chest were next.

  Tears formed in my once hazel eyes as I dug harder and harder into my caramel skin. I leaned against the sink to gain my balance. I want to go home. I want my mom and dad. There was a reason they weren’t here, and I was afraid to know why.

  It was hours before I made it to bed. Thankfully, Caleb didn’t come back to check on me. I don’t think I could explain away my naked breakdown in the bathroom, even if I wanted to. It was hard trying to keep it together even as I snuggled into bed.

  The day nearly zipped by and I still felt like I was dreaming. A few pinches to my arm didn’t wake me. I was still in a strange room, lying in a strange bed. I stared at a strange ceiling and out a strange window. I was covered by strange blankets and placed my head on a strange pillow.

  I slept strange.

  I felt strange.

  I didn’t see Dr. Nyssa the following morning or many mornings after that. Caleb was so bothered by the argument with her when he brought me back to my room, I half expected her to wiggle her way into staying.

  The weeks following Dr. Nyssa’s leave were quiet. Any mention of her name and Caleb was intensely vague about her return. That seemed like the least of my worries.

  Chapter 2

  Snow

  After nearly a month in the mansion, the walls were dancing. And I don't mean the dance-and-shout kind of dancing. No, these walls danced that somber, slow, unpopular song kind of dance. I'd grown unimpressed by my large room.

  I lived in a museum. I mean really, I was almost afraid to sit on the antique looking furniture, and I wouldn’t if standing didn’t hurt so much. There should be a velvet rope courting off everything, but then where would I walk? Downfall to museum living, the room was hideous.

  I did have a beautiful view from the bay window. The cove, anytime of the day, made it easier to wake up with a boot strapped to my leg, and my wrist tied up; both itched where I couldn’t get to them. The waves crashing against the rocks and the sun setting along the water were my only friends.

  "Hey, I pulled a few more movies from the library." Caleb walked through my door shuffling through the DVDs in his hands. It was another usual night of watching movies alone, in bed, with a tray of dinner.

  "Awesome." I rolled my eyes.

  He was trying to be nice I supposed. I just wasn't sure why and it only agitated him when I couldn't remember things on my own, so I was careful not to ask too many questions. Caleb hardly stepped foot in my room for a few days after the last round of “Too Many Questions.”

  "How about tonight I have the staff make up some killer platters of sushi, fruit, and popcorn with a side of candy for an all-night comedy marathon?" He flushed. "That's if you don't mind the company."

  My ears perked at the thought of couch time with Caleb. It was always too quiet and lonely. I was ready for a little noise. “Sure.”

  "Okay, then." He stared at me with another wicked smile of his.

  My face was acting on its own when it let my excitement show. "I can help. I can pop some popcorn." I offered.

  ”No, Eva. We have staff for that. You're supposed to be resting anyways.”


  Since the pool of blood in the clinic, Caleb hasn’t allowed me to leave my room. And leaving the house was a topic that was brought up once and Caleb immediately squashed any further talk of that.

  He hasn’t said it in so many words but the blood bath scared him. It scared me too. Thankfully, my face hasn’t met any hard surfaces at rapid speeds since and I preferred not to think about it much either. If I could explain the white forest away to just being a part of some awkward dream, I don’t think I would be so scared of it.

  "I know, but I'm feeling so much better, stronger even. I could make a few snacks."

  "There are stairs, long hallways." He was merely stating facts as if trying to find different reasons not on the list I’ve already written down from his previous lectures.

  "I'll be careful…"

  "Eva, please…just give it some more time." It was subtle but it showed how much he was annoyed with this conversation again.

  "What time should I expect you?" I asked, hoping he hadn’t changed his mind.

  "Well, we can start with four movies… 6 o'clock sound good?" He grazed his forefinger against the side of my cheek.

  "Yeah, I'll be ready for you." I smiled.

  Awkward much? His behavior had continued to change since he dismissed Dr. Nyssa. The only face I had the pleasure of seeing for weeks on end was Caleb's and there weren’t any complaints with the fineness that walked into my room. I was becoming more comfortable with my sudden growth spurt. Pouting was still something I struggled with but maturity came easier.

  Caleb’s pearly blue eyes melted my little toes. His short, auburn hair that subtly spiked in the front complimented his boxy-shaped face. Sometimes he tried to grow out his side burns, but they always looked better shorter. His smile tended to curl to the side; I liked the way his smile reached his ears.

  But even as much as I enjoyed seeing his beautiful face every day, our routine was just that - routine. He popped in daily with food, movies, and occasionally stayed for conversation. It was tedious and I was kind of done with it.