Without Knowing (When You Wake Book 1)

by Ashley Parker

  “Whatever you need to tell yourself.”

  “And if I don’t feel like working with this guy?”

  “I suggest we figure this…” His finger was now pointing at the ground.

  “Forget it, it’s figured out. I’d like to get ready. What time are we starting?”

  He stared at me. This was a losing battle.

  “What time should I be downstairs?” I struggled out of bed.

  “Thirty minutes.” Caleb exited my room abruptly, slamming my door in the process. The door would not survive very many exits like that.

  I moved into the closet and then into the bathroom. I hesitated just in front of the mirror, my hands on the wall on either side of it. I avoided mirrors as often as I could. I didn’t see me when I looked in the mirror. It was hard seeing a stranger looking back at me.

  I was downstairs and in the gym as Seth arrived. My mental exhaustion was battling my stubbornness, but I was prepared to do what I needed to do, even if it meant breakfast had to wait. Bacon…mmmm. Damn it.

  “Miss Eva, glad to see you’re feeling better.” Seth held out his hand.

  I avoided any hesitation and shook his hand. It’ll be a cold day in hell before they know they get to me. “I must apologize for yesterday. I tried to do a little too much and it got the best of……” I smiled, my teeth clenched tightly.

  Flashes of frozen fingers crawling on me weakened my grip. I took my hand back before he noticed.

  “I understand. I’ve overdone it a few times myself,” his southern accent swirled in my ears.

  “I’m ready to get started whenever you are.”

  “Eager little beaver.” He placed his bag on the bench near the entrance. “I was told the ribs have healed, but it looks like your biggest issues are your wrist and leg.”

  “Yes, so let’s start with the wrist. It’ll make it easier to get around with these.” I pointed at my crutches.

  “Well, we can work a little bit of both, if you’re up for it?” he asked.

  “I’m up for anything.” I was wide-eyed and all bushy tailed.

  “Great, let’s get familiar with the machines and see what you can do. This will give us an idea of where we need to start you.”

  Physical therapy with Seth started far too slow. After the unnecessary tour of the random machines we would be using, I was growing impatient. I’m sure his need to physically assist me on and off every piece of equipment didn’t help my tolerance level. Just unnecessary.

  I had to tirelessly avoid touching Seth as much as possible. Pieces of our first meeting came back to me during any contact with him. Whether he was straightening my form on the weight machines or simply spotting me, I could see the deeper connection being created to that frozen night.

  Don’t get me wrong, Seth wasn’t a hideous beast. I didn’t mind looking at him. He was actually a very attractive man. He had the body of a homegrown farm boy, and his baby face almost had me fooled until he touched me. Too much unnecessary touching.

  The frozen night was filled with more darkness than anyone should see. It filled me with a dreadful feeling, one that nearly brought me to tears just from a mere graze of his finger.

  After three day of physical therapy, and Seth’s unnecessary physical contact, the constant replay of dread and darkness sealed the deeper connection. My dreams paid the price and began mimicking the darkness and dread I felt during our therapy sessions. I couldn’t get away from his touch even when I was locked in my room.

  I already had it decided that if I was going to dream normal again, then he needed to go. The only reason he was brought here was to fix me. If I was fixed, he didn’t have a reason to stay. The plan was to push myself harder than what he had in mind, because otherwise, I would be dead at his pace before I could sleep normally again.

  I was probably pushing myself a little harder than I should have, leading to a much longer sleep than I wanted. It was the same dream playing on repeat every night, growing with more intensity; the brown wet dress…his hand broken at my bare feet…the black puddle of snow under me…behind me…my screams. It wasn’t letting up.

  And if that wasn’t annoying enough, Dr. Nyssa managed to find her way down to the gym during the first week of my therapy sessions. It wasn’t to be helpful, but to glance at Mr. No-Shirt. I wasn’t sure if it was a requirement to take off one’s shirt within the first two minutes of a workout, but he always managed to strip the shirt near the door.

  After the first seven days with Seth, Caleb insisted on some tests with the good doctor to see where I was physically. I protested the initial testing long enough to get my wrist out of the support wrap. I’m sure it would have taken longer had I not been secretly doing exercises while locked away in my cozy dungeon.

  At the first sign of improvement, I tried my best to send Seth on his merry way.

  “Caleb, I don’t need him. I can do this on my own,” I spoke quietly, hoping Dr. Nyssa couldn’t hear me.

  “Until you’re out of that boot and can walk without help of any kind, he stays.” Caleb wasn’t even looking at me.

  “Please, just…I’m asking you…begging you to let me do this without him.”

  “Is there some problem you need to tell me about?” He stopped what he was doing to look at me, his face soften.

  I thought carefully before answering him. There’s clearly a problem between Dr. Love Bug and myself, but she’s still here. I’m not sure a problem I can’t really explain without sounding like a crazy person would mean Seth’s termination.

  The nightmares, these things when we touched, there had to be more to them. Warnings, maybe? Seth was bad news, plain and simple. If I ever needed something to smack me in the face, this would be the best way to do that.

  It was hard to know what to think when Seth was a perfect gentleman to my face. Aside from always needing to touch me, he did nothing to me to make me not like him, except having Dr. Nyssa as a friend. I almost regretted trying to get him fired. But the longer he was here, the longer things were awry. The longer he was here, the darker the pit in my eyes grew.

  “I…can’t…”

  “He’s here until you’re moving on your own.” He left me without further discussion.

  I was tired.

  It was wishful thinking to believe I would just fall into bed and sleep well as exhausted as I was. It was the same dream every night on repeat and yet, I woke up at all different times. I slept six hours one night, four hours another. Then there were the nightmare fests that lasted fourteen and even sixteen hours. But I felt like I didn’t sleep at all.

  I didn’t have my parents to console me. I didn’t even have Caleb to ease me back to reality. I should just be grateful that my drenched sheets were replaced before I returned the next night. And if they thought I was peeing the bed, they were kind enough not to say anything.

  With my inability to control when my waking hours would be, I continued to use the odd hours to do some workouts without Seth. I took advantage of the pool no one was using and I chose to swim for what looked like leisure time; fewer questions were asked. I was down to a meal a day, which helped avoid any extra contact with Dr. Nyssa and Caleb.

  A few more days passed, and I managed to avoid Caleb all together. The one meal I did have was planned according to his schedule, and I specifically ate outside in the gazebo, where I knew he wouldn’t look for me. It was easier to hide in plain sight.

  Day fourteen came and Dr. Nyssa tracked me down in the pool for tests. She started walking on pins and needles around me after our little disagreement at breakfast. I tried to forget about the knife, but my guilt wouldn’t allow that thought to be absent. I still couldn’t remember grabbing it.

  We said very little to each other but managed to complete the tests without too many cold glares.

  “Stay here, Caleb will want to review these before you leave.”

  “I’m sure you’ll talk about me, instead of to me, so there really isn’t any need for me to wait. If you need m
e, I’ll be back in the pool,” I said and left.

  I was still using crutches but I was out of my boot. It wasn’t twenty minutes that I was back in the pool before I heard him stomp through the workout room.

  “EVA!” he yelled.

  “WHAT!” I wiped the water from my eyes.

  “She asked you to wait for me and you just leave?” He stood at the edge of the pool.

  “It’s not like you tell me any of the results anyways.”

  “Are you trying to avoid me?” He had this way he cocked his head that spoke volumes to his annoyance. He didn’t have to do anything with his face, although today the look he was giving me, raised it to a whole new level.

  “I’ve been happier since.” I smiled heading back to my pool exercises.

  A large splash in the pool sent waves through my steady movements. He tugged at my legs causing a loss of pace. The pain was unnerving. I was pushing too hard.

  “What the hell is your problem?!” I coughed from the inhale of water I took in due to the surprise Jaws attack.

  “What the hell is going on with you?” He pulled me towards him. I could see Seth and Dr. Nyssa out of the corner of my eye watching the display from the entrance.

  “I’m trying to relax here.” His hands tightened around the weakened muscles in my arms. The feel of flesh on flesh without the disturbing rinse and repeat cycle of broke wrists and fingers made my hands clammy...in the pool.

  “If you’re trying to prove something here, you’ve done it. Now stop!”

  “I’m just swimming along, minding my own business, staying out of trouble.” I smiled.

  “You’re avoiding me,” his voice was quieter. He actually looked hurt.

  He was still fully clothed in a dress shirt and slacks, soaked. His gelled hair unshaping as the water dripped down his face, couldn’t hide his hurt. It was unfair to him. He didn’t deserve what I was putting him through. Even if he was leaving a whole world of knowledge tucked away in a locked box, buried in a graveyard. He didn’t deserve how shitty I was being to him.

  There was no way of explaining what was going on with me, not without him thinking I was nuts. I couldn’t explain to him the mental pain I was feeling around Seth. It would only raise more questions, or require psychiatric treatment.

  If he knew about these…connections, he would have said something by now. He would have known the signs. He’s not cruel and I don’t hide things very well. No, he didn’t know and I didn’t have the answers. Hell, he couldn’t give me the easy answers and this was bigger.

  “I’m sure your days are drama free, you’re off babysitting duties. Go about your business,” I played it cool.

  “I wish you’d just talk to me,” he spoke in an even lower voice.

  “Back at you.” I struggled out of his grip. “We should do this again sometime.” I swam away.

  It was difficult not understanding how easy it was to be so unlike myself, but easier and scary when I stopped fighting it.

  I wasn’t this person. I didn’t disobey or disrespect. I didn’t snap or cause scenes. I wasn’t disruptive. I didn’t avoid people or make them feel less than themselves. I enjoyed the company of people. I was a happy child. I enjoyed my own smile, my old reflection.

  It was week three and I was moving around the gym without Seth’s direction. The routine really hadn’t changed and it was easier to dodge the small talk when I was unconsciously humming to myself in rhythm to the machines.

  Since the spectacle with Caleb in the pool, Seth became a nosy worm. If he wasn’t asking about my relationship with Caleb and if we patched things up, he was being very obvious when trying to see if I was interested in him. There were a few times he tried to talk to me about Dr. Nyssa. Those conversations usually ended our sessions.

  Without my boot holding me back, my strength returned slowly. The amount of time I spent in the gym made for a nice workday. I arrived before Seth to start my shift and stayed long after to get in the overtime. Pool time was relaxing, but still a needed workout, physically and mentally.

  Therapeutic Reflecting was a personal requirement for my own sanity. I found my long hours in the Olympic sized pool to be often the hardest workout of the day. I’d like to think the quiet made it easier to think, but in fact, with the soundless echoes bouncing off of the glass walls, it was much harder.

  Even the staff moved through the house quietly; I barely caught glimpses of them. After another brief nod and scatter of the maid replacing the towels, I realized the loneliness was getting to me.

  Just as the sentimental replay had ended of all of my regrets, the missteps, and how I pushed Caleb away, the large splash at the opposite end of the pool reminded me of the very reason I removed myself from human contact.

  “Eva, I see you’ve taken a break from the gym,” Seth yelled. As if he didn’t know I was still in the pool.

  “Seth, you’ve decide to go for a swim. Looks like you’ll have the pool to yourself,” I yelled at the water.

  I swam towards the steps in the middle of the pool. His hands crept up my leg, intense blackness swept through my vision.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. Are you done already?” his twang disappeared.

  “Actually, I’m a little hungry. I should probably eat something.” I cringed as he gripped my hips and guided my behind out of the pool.

  The large gap between the edge of the pool and where my crutches leaned against the bench crawled with frozen fingers.

  “So sorry to see you go. Maybe tomorrow we can do our physical therapy in here.” He began his laps.

  I wrapped the towel around me and adjusted the crutches under my arms. As much as they were needed to prevent me from falling, I was convinced they’d find me with my head cracked open somewhere near the pool.

  I caught Seth’s motionless glide through the water. The smoothness from end to end, the fluidity in his turns, he was a pro. Knowing I was watching, he paused in the middle of the pool.

  “Eva, would you like to come back in?” he asked.

  I fought the urge to join him, to learn from him. He spoke with sincerity and yet, every fiber of my being screamed for me to run.

  “Eva.” I turned my head at sound of my name. I nearly kissed her when she poked her ugly little head through the door.

  “Dr. Nyssa, how can I help you today?” I smiled.

  “Tests?” she asked almost with a little kindness.

  “Sure. Would you mind if I showered first?” I knew I would be in the clinic for a few hours. I wouldn’t get a chance to shower until bedtime.

  “Just meet me up there.”

  After my semi-quick shower, I dressed in clean yoga pants and a t-shirt and headed up to the clinic.

  Chapter 5

  Falsehood

  The clinic was becoming all too familiar and the tests were becoming very repetitive. I watched for the same light to blink in and out again. And go. On cue as usual.

  The flickering weakened during my visits, I half expected it to be dead or replaced by my next visit. I liked to think it was like me; always had that little bit of energy to keep going, regardless of the day it was having.

  “Dr. Nyssa, how are things looking so far?” Caleb entered the room. We avoided glances.

  “Surprisingly well, I’m a little concerned with her weight loss, but it looks like her wrist is at 100%. Her leg still needs some work. It seems the physical therapy is helping with most of her physical issues.” She clicked her pen.

  After our last encounter in the pool, I wasn’t eating like I should. Seeing his face, hearing his sadness, it was more upsetting than I realized. The single meal a day I managed before, didn’t sit with well with me anymore.

  My only meal consisted of a conversation with Bernard and he was a pleasant conversation, but even that was short. He had work he was expected to do. I couldn’t keep him from that. After he left me to eat in peace, I couldn’t manage another bite.

  “How much has she…you dropped, Eva?” he
directed his question to me.

  I shrugged my shoulders unaware of the actual number. Dr. Nyssa ended the prolonged attempt, to do whatever he was trying to do, and answered for me.

  “She’s down to 102, nearly 40 pounds in three weeks.”

  “Eva, maybe you’re pushing it a little too hard.” Caleb’s worried tone knocked the wind out of me.

  I avoided egging on any arguments. I didn’t have the strength mentally or physically to go another round with him. Avoidance had to be tattooed somewhere in my ear.

  “Sure, so what next?” I asked the good doctor. I was spent. Last night was a record, only three hours of terror.

  Dr. Nyssa was almost surprised. “Well, I can talk to Seth about changing your routine.”

  “Sounds good.” I threw up two thumbs and a smile.

  “And I’ll talk to the Chef about your meals, maybe if we get back on a schedule, we can manage your weight,” Caleb added.

  “Great.” Even my smile felt exhausted.

  “Eva, if you’re tired, we can discuss this tomorrow,” he offered. “I can help you to your room. Maybe a few days of R and R will do you some good.”

  “If you think that’s best.” This was it. I was losing it.

  My slow movements warranted Caleb’s kindness. I really didn’t deserve him.

  “Let me help you.” Caleb tucked his arm under my legs and I wrapped my arms around his neck. Dr. Nyssa’s face showed disapproval, but she kept it to herself, poorly. We left the clinic and Dr. Nyssa to continue her work.

  “You have dropped some weight. You’re practically back down to the weight you were when you came to live here.” He frowned.

  “How much was that?”

  “About 90 or so. Just a wee thing.” He physically shuddered, vibrating against me.

  “I haven’t lived here long, have I?” I rested my head on his shoulder.

  He sighed. “No, you haven’t. I hope you’ll stay, though. It was nice before,” he said with regret.

  “What happened?” I asked drifting in and out of sleep.

  “I wasn’t there to protect you. I promised I would be there for you and I let you down,” he tucked me into bed. I reached up to caress his face but he stopped me.