Without Knowing (When You Wake Book 1)

by Ashley Parker

  “That’s a plan.”

  “Do you think things will ever get easier for us?” I asked, staring up at his face. As long as I’ve drugged myself with the quilt and the memory of this day, this time was different. I looked at his face and could see someone else. It was Chayton, but it wasn’t Chayton.

  “You tell me, you’re the Vatic.”

  “I hate that name.” I retraced the patterns. The name did cause me great discomfort. Knowing who I was relieved me, but the more I’m referred to as such, it draws a dark gray cloud over my head.

  “I’m sorry.” He brushed my cheek.

  “You didn’t give it to me.” I thought about the name a little longer. Who had given me the name? I can’t imagine that I was open about what I could do, and if I hated the name, whoever gave me the name must not have been my favorite person.

  “But I know better than to use it.”

  “Do you think I’ll be one forever?” I looked away from the quilt.

  “Forever is a long time. It’s a long time for us, anyway.” The beauty in his ocean eyes were painted to perfection. The mixture of green and blue weakened my knees.

  “I don’t think that it’s fair I be burden with them.” But I had Pulls for a reason. The bigger picture, I suppose.

  “I don’t either.”

  “But if not me, another.”

  “Who says if not you, another? Why does any burden have to pick anyone? I don’t know if it’s selfish or selfless to believe you are taking on a burden over someone else. I love you, but you aren’t the only one who’s affected by them,” his sadness showed in his voice and on his face. It was a familiar thing I did to the men in my life. Caleb wore that face often; his voice carried that tune almost permanently.

  “You’re right.”

  “I’m not, but thank you for letting me believe so. I’m just exhausted……and it’s nothing compared to yours…”

  “Stop. What have we said about that?”

  “Share in the struggle, each struggle is just as important.” His eyes stared into mine. “Oh, Eva, my Viva.” Those eyes sang a swoon song.

  “I don’t like thinking you’re taking everything on yourself.”

  “I can’t do anything else.”

  “You can love me.” I smiled, wrapping my arms around Chayton.

  “I do that already.” His lips kissed the top of my nose.

  “Well, then. I think you’ve done far more than most men.” I pushed him onto his back, straddling him.

  “I have been working awfully hard.” He lay with his hands behind his head.

  I lifted his shirt and kissed his ridged hard stomach gently. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were training again.” I continued to kiss him along the seam of his pants and along the outline of each ab.

  “Just doing enough to stay in shape.”

  “Magena?” I stopped my seductively playful kisses.

  “She’s been teaching me.” And who was she?

  “I know.”

  “Of course you do.” He rolled his eyes at me.

  “When are you going to learn, I know more than you do?” I giggled.

  “I wasn’t hiding it from you.” He shook his head.

  “I know, I just worry you’re taking chances.” I pulled his shirt down and climbed off. My head rested on his uncushioned stomach.

  “I told you I would do whatever I could to get you out of here sooner.” He combed my hair with his fingers.

  I followed the branches of the tree from the trunk out to the tips and back again. The leaves were a bright green, brighter by the golden wheat fencing in our apple tree. The serenity of this place reminded me of the goddess gazebo, everything could just fall against the barriers of its beauty, leaving us unscathed.

  “If a Pull tells me you’re in danger I’m cutting you off, buddy.” I poked him in the pit of his underarm.

  “Oh yeah.” He whipped around me pinning me to the ground. His fingers ventured around my stomach, jabbing me and moving around my ribs, tickling me.

  I escaped his torturous hands and fled into the wheat fields only to be tickled on the palms of my hands by the sticks of wheat. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me into him.

  “My Viva.”

  “My Razon.”

  We lingered in each other’s arms. “You are exquisite,” his whispered leaning his forehead against mine.

  “Let’s runaway today.” My lips curled upward.

  As I came back from my alluring memory of apple trees and wheat fields, talks of children and laughter, a happier future and Chayton; I knew I had more time before anyone would come to check on me.

  I felt for the small hidden slit in the chest and pulled the picture, pen and notepad from its compartment. I sat crossed legged with the picture in my hand day dreaming of the people in the picture. They seemed happier in the picture. They were in a world much different than we lived in right now.

  I wished for Chayton to be here, to have all the answers, but I didn’t deserve his help. I smashed his help. I grabbed the pen and pad I’d taken from the kitchen and began writing.

  My Dearest Chayton,

  I don’t know if I’ll ever get to meet you again. I don’t know that I’ll ever remember all of you, but know I still love you. I wish you were here to tell me everything I need to know and take me away from all of this. I don’t know your plan, but I hope this wasn’t what you had in mind. I’m pregnant and it was by one of our own. I don’t know if Seth was the reason we wanted to leave, but he’s the reason I’m afraid to return. I just wish I knew what to do. I’m afraid I’m losing it.

  I wiped my tears with the quilt. This poor thing needed a good scrub. It had become my handkerchief most nights since the attack. It’s been through many hand washings over the weeks. I glimpsed at the start of my letter, imagining he would never see my desperation for him or know that I’ve been tainted by darkness.

  Eva?

  The handwriting was different as my name appeared on the pad just below the start of my letter. This would be the moment, above any other, that would prove I was in a straitjacket, or at least I needed to be in one. I was in a mental institution or I was dead. Either way, I was seeing words scribbling out of nowhere.

  Eva, it’s Chayton. Finally!

  I couldn’t be seeing random words appear in front of me. This just couldn’t be possible. Though, I shouldn’t be able to bring on memories by rubbing up on quilts. I shouldn’t have the ability to be pulled into vicious cycles of my moments as well as others, feeling everything, seeing everything. I shouldn’t be able to feel the feelings of others, but look where we are.

  Me: Excuse me, you’re writing to me from where?

  Chayton: The Colony. More importantly, you’re pregnant?

  Me: Long story, one I’d prefer not to explain to my imaginary friend.

  Chayton: My Eva, why have you waited so long to contact me?

  Me: Is it really you? Please tell me it’s you. I need it to be you.

  Chayton: Of course, it’s me. How many people do you know that can write to you like this?

  Me: I didn’t know you could.

  Chayton: Your memories still have not returned to you?

  Me: No.

  Chayton: My gifts didn’t help?

  Me: You did send them?

  Chayton: I left instructions with Caleb. He is still with you, isn’t he?

  Me: Yes, but things have become complicated.

  Chayton: How so?

  Me: Tell me what item you sent that would give me the memory of the wheat fields?

  Chayton: The quilt, you have it then?

  Me: Chayton! It is you. Please come get me. I can’t be here anymore. I don’t know who to trust anymore.

  Chayton: You’re pregnant?

  Me: It was… I didn’t…

  Chayton: Eva? Tell me.

  How could I explain any of this to him? The letter wasn’t meant to be read. He wasn’t supposed to know, not like this. This was not how o
ur first conversation was supposed to go. There was supposed to be fireworks and that perfect moment where everything was fixed. This was the wrong kind of magic.

  Me: Six weeks and it was not of consent.

  Chayton: CALEB? He was supposed to protect you!

  Me: It wasn’t Caleb, he didn’t know. Seth. I was told he is from the Colony.

  Chayton: Seth? But I don’t understand. He’s not supposed to know where you’d gone. NO ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO KNOW!

  Me: I’m so sorry. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that I let this happen. I don’t understand what’s happened. I have so many questions.

  Chayton: Caleb was supposed to be helping you, giving you all the answers, my gifts. And I DO NOT want to hear an apology from you. This…none of this is your fault.

  Me: There have been many complications; many that have not been in Caleb’s control. I fear we have more trouble. Car…

  Three knocks came at the door, tearing me away from Chayton. Time flew and the sun was coming up.

  “Who’s there?” I rushed to put everything in its place.

  “It’s Caleb. May I come in?” He waited for my response.

  “Yes.” I stood near my bed.

  “Good morning.” He held tray of oatmeal and tea, a beautiful rose sat in a vase for decoration.

  “Thank you.” He placed it on my bed.

  “I wasn’t sure you’d be up.”

  There was this thing they all kept doing since they found out I was pregnant. I don’t know if they realized they were doing it or not, but it was happening more and more.

  Their eyes would drop to my stomach, and for a moment, they’d forget they were staring. Maybe they were thinking of the child and what was about to come or maybe they were thinking about how it came to be. Whatever their thoughts, their hearts ached for me.

  Caleb stared at my belly as I enjoyed the meal he brought up for me. It was easier to eat when I knew I had to. I couldn’t use it as a weapon against myself. Doing so wouldn’t just make me suffer.

  “We need to talk about the baby,” he finally said.

  “And my new gift,” I spoke over my full mouth.

  “It’s started already.” He sighed.

  “It has, the question is, how do you know about it?” I took a sip of my apple tea, my new favorite drink, one I would always be grateful to Joss for introducing to me.

  “As your Bulwark, I know everything about you.”

  “My what?”

  It was my fault. I was asking for answers and now everyone was just making things up. Yes, this was just how I was going to be taught my lesson.

  “Bulwark, or at least I was supposed to be. I don’t have all my abilities, which makes me a poor excuse for one.”

  “You lost me.” He was being sincere, but what he was saying made little sense to me.

  “I’m your chosen protector, but given that I failed the test my kind is given, I lost that privilege and most of the gifts to do so properly.”

  “Fascinating.” I continued to eat.

  “You don’t believe me?” His head cocked to the side.

  “Why are you so loosey goosey all of a sudden?” I did believe him. It was the first thing I believed whole-heartily and it sounded like he was listing off groceries.

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “It does.” It didn’t.

  “It doesn’t and neither does your belief in me. Now have you had an ultrasound?”

  “I’m glad what I think matters so little to you. And no, we planned one for next week.”

  “All I’m saying is after everything that’s happened I know I have to earn your trust back, but what I want doesn’t matter right now.” And yet I cared about what he wanted. “You’re six weeks, why not now?”

  “I’d like to wrap my head around the whole being pregnant thing by a psycho first before that trip down the rabbit hole.”

  “We should get one today.” We? I was more worried about the possibility that Chayton was still waiting on me to continue our conversation. An ultrasound was the last thing I wanted to do today, especially if we were getting one.

  “Was there another reason you came in here?” I asked.

  “No.” He looked like he wanted to say something else.

  “You’re still hiding things from me.”

  “Yes,” he said bluntly. More honesty, I needed to take a mental picture.

  “And you wonder why I can’t believe you.” I handed him the tray, but I kept the flower and vase, placing it along the ledge of the window.

  “If not for me, for that baby.” He pointed to my stomach, as if I needed a reminder it was in there. “You need the ultrasound. You are a Vatic and he or she is gifted.” I really did hate the name Vatic.

  “Should I be worried it will have horns and a tail.” I was curious. Did I have horns and a tail?

  “No, but you’ve had a lot of stress. Just check the vitals, the heartbeat. Make sure things are normal.”

  He’s right, little one. “I’ll set things up with Mitchell.”

  “I’ve already got him prepping for the ultrasound.” Caleb smiled. As he left the room, he felt mighty high of himself.

  I couldn’t help but smile. Even though it was not what I had in mind today, I was a little excited. I showered, dressed, and met Mitchell in the Clinic. The men were hanging out in the hall as I rounded the corner.

  “Just hanging out in the halls today?” I asked a little curious and more nervous knowing they’d be outside.

  “Yep, just chilling out,” Coat said. I couldn’t help but laugh. He must have been practicing that phrase for some time.

  “Do you mind if we wait for you out here?” Jake asked causing the guys to grumble behind him.

  “I don’t mind at all. Thank you for asking.” I slid my hand down his arm. He was just as nervous as I was.

  I walked into the clinic to find Caleb pacing near the back offices, and Caroline and Mitchell talking near the ultrasound machine.

  “A party.” I shut the door behind me.

  “Eva, I wanted to be here for support.” Caroline walked to me, her hands on mine like a magnet. She really was gifted in the art of being fake.

  “I appreciate that, but I’m okay. You can wait with the others.” I smiled.

  It was enough to make me go batty. I didn’t need anyone in the room that was going to make me go crazier at warp speed.

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be in here alone.” Caroline looked at Mitchell.

  “I won’t be alone.”

  “Caroline, she would prefer to do this without your help. Thank you but please go,” Caleb spoke, finally pulling himself together.

  “You too, Caleb.” I said realizing he planned on staying.

  “No, I am staying.”

  “No, you are leaving. As I said, I’m good without either of you holding my hand.”

  “This isn’t up for debate.” His face angered slightly.

  “You’re right, it’s not. If I were going to have anyone in here, it’d be one of the five men out there who have been with me through my mess during the last six weeks. Neither of you get to be here for this.”

  “Eva…” Caleb reached for me.

  “Please have enough respect to know this is hard enough without you two making it about yourselves.” Jake stood at the door. “Ms. Eva has requested that you both stand out here with us. She has asked more than once. Do not make us step in.” He was young but more understanding than most. I was grateful for him.

  “Thank you, Jake.” He escorted both Caleb and Caroline from the room.

  As the door latched shut, I found my composure beginning to fail me. Mitchell became my legs as I lost strength in them, and settled me on the table.

  “I know this was not the plan, but we’ve got this. We can take as long as you need. Your guys are prepared to wait.” He pulled my focus into his eyes. He looked strong, but he was breaking on inside. I loved that he tried.

  “Let’s ge
t started.” I smiled.

  I removed my jeans and underwear and Mitchell placed a sheet over my lower half so I wasn’t so exposed.

  “This will be uncomfortable and I’m sorry.” Mitchell continued with the ultrasound.

  I held my breath.

  I counted to five.

  I waited.

  My ears popped.

  I shivered.

  I flinched.

  A flickering light appeared.

  Not the overhead light I used to count on to pass time.

  The light in the closet flickered out of sync.

  A sound came.

  I released the baking breath in my lungs.

  The sound whooshed and then became a rhythmic song.

  It was the sound of the heartbeat.

  The sound of the heartbeat pulled me from reliving the nightmare of my attack, or passing out. Mitchell repeatedly asked me if I was okay, but I grew distracted by the muffled sound of its heartbeat.

  The lima bean hid from me. I couldn’t make sense of what I was seeing, growing impatient with my discomfort. Mitchell saved me from myself by pointing to where everything was, and explaining the things I needed to know. What he was taking pictures of, what ranges the baby should be at and what they actually were in comparison. The old wives tales of what it all meant in terms of the sex of the baby and how true it really was.

  “Everything looks great, Ms. Eva. You can get cleaned up and dressed now.” Mitchell gave me some privacy.

  “So, he’s okay?”

  “Perfectly healthy.” He continued writing in my chart knowing that these days it was a chore to get dressed.

  “I want to find out what kind of foods I should be eating and exercises I should be doing. I should probably be on some sort of vitamins.” I fumbled with my jeans. “I’m sure there are a ton of things I need to have ready before the baby comes. I’ll need to make a list of things the baby will need. I’ve never changed a diaper, so there’s that, and…” My hands shook as I snapped my jeans.

  “Eva.” Mitchell smiled. “We will get started on all of that, soon. Let’s just do one thing at a time. I’ll get the vitamins ordered for you and a list of foods to the kitchen. We will start there.” He wrote on a note pad.