Walk On The Wild Side

by Jami Alden

  No one ever left him feeling like this before.

  Shattered.

  But in a good way, if that was even possible.

  And unlike every other time he’d tried to drown everything out with sex, he didn’t have that hollow feeling, knowing that he was as meaningless to the woman he was with as she was to him.

  And for once, the anger and frustration didn’t come flooding back immediately after the orgasm induced rush of endorphins receded.

  Molly stirred against him and he wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tight, and gave a contented sigh when he felt the press of her lips against his throat.

  She pulled away and propped herself up on his chest. “Feeling better now?” she asked, a sly smile teasing at the corners of her bow shaped lips.

  “Better doesn’t even begin to cover it,” he said as he leaned up to kiss that little smile off her mouth. His tongue snuck out to trace the curve of her bottom lip, then slid between her lips. Tasting, savoring now that the hunger wasn’t so ferocious.

  “You were going full on cave man for a while there,” she said when he finally lifted his mouth from hers.

  “Sorry about that.”

  “Don’t be.” She shook her head, bit her lip, and then when her gaze met his he could see a naughty glint flashing there. “It obviously worked for me.”

  Heat surged between his legs. “Yeah?”

  She gave him an “oh please” look. “I know you were kind of off the deep end, but I can’t believe you didn’t notice.”

  “True. But it turns me on to hear you admit it.” His cock surged against the soft curve of her stomach as though to offer proof.

  “Yeah? What else turns you on?”

  Brady grinned. “Baby, when it comes to you, the list is infinite.”

  Molly rolled her eyes like she didn’t believe it for a second and Brady stifled the urge to convince her of the truth.

  Instead, he rolled her to her back and spent the next hour going over the first dozen or so.

  ###

  “The wedding must have gone well,” Dr. Stewart said with a smile as Molly settled on the overstuffed couch in her therapist’s office. “You look, well, almost radiant.”

  Amazing, Molly thought with a little smile, considering she’d had less than five hours of sleep. Apparently incredible sex could do more to fade dark circles under her eyes and put a flush in her cheeks than the most expensive department store cosmetics.

  “Thank you,” she said. “And yes, the wedding was so much easier to get through than I could have imagined.” To be fair, it wasn’t the wedding but after that had made the weekend more bearable, but she wasn’t ready to share that with Dr. Stewart yet.

  At first Molly had balked at the idea of seeing a therapist. Not that there was anything inherently wrong with it. But growing up, Adele Tanner’s approach to adversity was to pull up her big girl panties and muddle her way forward, no matter how hard that might be.

  In their family, you didn’t sit around talking about how hard everything was or how traumatized you were, you just kept moving forward until things got better.

  It was Sadie who had convinced Molly that she would benefit from some outside help. “Look, I know you,” Sadie had said over the phone roughly the week after Josh had dumped Molly like a sack of garbage. “You’ll keep insisting you’re fine, you’ll never tell anyone what’s really going on. Meanwhile you have all this stuff inside you that you need to work through.”

  “What, I’m sad because I got dumped by someone I’ve been with since high school? I’m sad. It’s not some complicated issue I have to work through.”

  “For over ten years you clung to a relationship with a guy who was clearly not as into it as you were.”

  “It wasn’t clear to me,” Molly mumbled as the lump that had taken up permanent residence in her throat swelled larger.

  “Well it was to everyone else,” Sadie said, exasperation clear in her tone, “but you never wanted to hear it.”

  “Oh,” was all Molly could manage around the sensation of a knife twisting in her chest. She’d thought she couldn’t be more humiliated by the way Josh broke up with her. “Great, so basically everyone has been thinking that I’m a total idiot.” She felt like she was going to throw up the few bites of toast she’d managed to choke down for dinner.

  Sadie sighed. “Nobody thinks you’re an idiot. You’re loyal. But you were loyal to Josh well past the point when he deserved it. Don’t you want to figure that out so this doesn’t happen the next time?”

  At the time, she hadn’t been able to even contemplate a next time, but she conceded that Sadie had a point. If seeing a therapist could help her remove her blinders and keep herself from getting walked all over again, she might as well give it a try.

  Sadie had recommended Dr. Stewart herself. “She’s the one I went to see for a while after my mom left.”

  Molly remembered, and was ashamed to say that at the time she’d agreed with Molly’s father that it was “a goddamn waste of time and money.” So her parents split up. What was the big deal? Molly’s parents had been divorced for years, and she was doing just fine.

  Years later, as she sat alone in her darkened living room, gutted by a break up that everyone but her had seen coming, she realized she might have been a little too quick to call it good.

  Though Molly had been apprehensive about seeing her, Dr. Stewart immediately put her at ease. She was in her forties, old enough to impart an air of wisdom but not so old she couldn’t relate to Molly’s relationship struggles. And it helped that her office was furnished like a comfortable living room, with the couch where Molly sat while Dr. Stewart sat in an armchair across from her.

  Molly had struggled with the first few sessions, having grown up in a family where you didn’t burden other people with your problems. When she’d shared that Dr. Stewart responded with a smile. “Don’t look at it as burdening me with your problems. Look at it as an opportunity to learn the tools to help you work through the grief you’re going through now, and to help you make better decisions for yourself in the future.”

  After that Molly had opened up, and she and Dr. Stewart were slowly working their way through the issues that had landed her in Dr. Stewart's office in the first place. Issues aside, Molly discovered that it was really nice to have someone to talk to who wouldn’t judge her for the sometimes ugly thoughts that popped into her head.

  Like how much she’d been dreading her beloved sister’s wedding.

  “So tell me why you think it went so much better than you’d feared?” Dr. Stewart leaned against the back of her chair.

  Because I had the best sex of my life that night after the reception. She kept the thought to herself. “You know how I was so worried about being there alone, without Josh? How it was my first big family event or holiday without him in so long?”

  Dr. Stewart nodded. “You were worried about people’s reactions to you.”

  “I was, and there were a few looks, a few comments. And that stung,” she acknowledged. “But I realized it was actually easier, not having him around. I didn’t have to worry if he was late, or that he’d call and tell me he wasn’t going to show up after all.” In hindsight, the way Josh regularly blew her off was a red flag the size of the state of Texas that she had blinded herself to for far too long.

  “And if he did show up, I didn’t have to worry about if he was bored, or having fun. When I look back, I see how much of the time I spent with him that I was stressed about keeping him interested, keeping him entertained. It was like deep down I knew he wasn’t nearly as into me as I was into him, but I thought if I could dance fast enough I could somehow change that.”

  “So it was actually a relief, not having him there?”

  “It was. I was able to focus on having fun with my friends and my family.” She was silent for a moment. “If anyone ever told me Josh would leave me for another person and I’d be relieved, I would have thought they were crazy. I mean, it stil
l hurts and I miss parts of our relationship. But I’m starting to feel kind of free.”

  “Ready to move on to bigger better things?”

  Unbidden, an image of Brady and all of the ways he was bigger and better than Josh could ever be flashed in her head. “Something like that,” she said, and hoped the doctor wouldn’t notice the hot flush creeping into her cheeks.

  “You look like you have something in mind.”

  Molly shook her head. She wasn’t ready to share this—whatever you wanted to call it—she had going with Brady with Dr. Stewart.

  She didn’t have any interest in having it analyzed and picked apart. She wanted to keep it fun, easy.

  Though between the shock of hurt she felt when he told her he didn’t want to talk about whatever had put him in such a bad mood, and her own shocking response to his less than gentle approach to sex, last night didn’t exactly qualify as either.

  You’re the last person I want to talk to about this. The memory of his blunt refusal hit her like a fist in the gut. She gave herself a mental shake. You knew going into this that with Brady it would only be about the sex. If he doesn’t want to tell you about what’s going on in his life, it doesn’t matter.

  “You look upset. Is there something else you want to share?”

  Since she wasn’t about to tell her about Brady, Molly told her about running into Josh’s parents the day before. “I didn’t expect to miss them so much.”

  “You haven’t talked about them before.”

  Molly shrugged. “I came to you to help me get over losing Josh. I didn’t realize I’d have to get over losing his family too.”

  “You were close?”

  She told Dr. Stewart about not just how she felt about the Pattons, but what they represented.

  “That’s interesting, in light of what we talked about last time. You said you were contemplating getting in touch with your father.”

  A tight, fluttery sensation formed in her stomach. “I googled his address after our session. He’s living in Colorado. At least, I’m pretty sure it’s him. But I don’t think I’m going to do it.”

  Dr. Stewart cocked her head, but said nothing. It was a tactic, Molly was pretty sure, to get her to divulge more.

  And as usual, it worked, as Molly, like most people, couldn’t stand more than a few seconds of silence before giving in to the urge to fill it. “I think I got caught up in the idea of Ellie’s wedding, and her being pregnant and everything, and it made me sad to think that my dad is missing all of that.”

  “You don’t think you have anything important to share with him?”

  Molly let out a mirthless laugh. “What, so I can tell him how I wasted more than ten years chasing a guy only to end up dumped and alone? I’m sure he’d be really proud.”

  “There’s much more to you than your failed relationship with Josh.”

  Sometimes Molly wasn’t so sure. She shook off the self-pitying thought. “Even so, he probably wouldn’t care anyway, about any of it.”

  “But you care.”

  Though she left Dr. Stewart’s office resolved not to do anything as foolish as trying to get in touch with a man who hadn’t bothered to contact his children in nearly twenty years, she couldn’t shake the hollow feeling in her gut that always crept up when she thought about her father.

  Which is why she tried not to do it very often. But as she’d said to Dr. Stewart, lately he’d been cropping up in her thoughts, due not only to the big family events she’d cited, but Dr. Stewart’ suggestion in an earlier session that part of her attachment to Josh was due to a fear of abandonment caused by her parents’ split.

  While Molly conceded that made a lot of sense, she didn’t see what there was she could do to fix it.

  “It’s not always about fixing it, but acknowledging that it’s there,” the doctor had replied.

  Still, in the past few weeks, Molly had found herself dwelling more and more on her father, and why he had lost all interest in them. Though she tried to keep it at bay, she couldn’t get rid of the nagging sensation that if she could just understand why, maybe that hollow fearfulness inside her would finally disappear.

  Chapter 7

  The thought was still nagging at Molly the next day when she went to the restaurant to do some paperwork. Ellie, who was setting up the bar for the evening, greeted her when she came in.

  “Hey Moll,” she said around a mouthful of mixed nuts.

  “Hey. Thanks again for bartending this week,” Molly said as she ducked around the bar to give her sister a quick hug. “I need to get payroll done for JT and settle the accounts for Damon’s store and I’m totally behind.”

  “Since you were busy covering me when I was barfing nonstop or helping me with the wedding, it’s the least I can do. Besides,” she said as she stroked her palm down her just visible baby bump, “I think a pregnant bartender adds an extra dash of class, don’t you think?”

  “Definitely,” Molly grinned as her mother came out of the kitchen and settled at the bar for her afternoon coffee.

  “Don’t forget—” Adele started as Ellie handed her a carton of half and half to dilute her coffee.

  “I know, I need to put together next month’s budget before I go,” Molly said before she could finish. When Damon had signed on as their partner in the restaurant, he had realized immediately that part of the reason the business was failing was that despite Molly’s regular analysis of their expenditures and income and attempts to keep the costs down, Adele had no appreciation or aptitude for budgeting.

  Part of their partnership agreement was that Adele had to work with Molly and Brady to come up with a monthly budget and stick to it.

  “Thank goodness you’ve got a head for numbers,” Adele said as she sipped at her coffee. “You must have gotten that from your grandfather, because I sure don’t have a lick of math sense.”

  Ellie’s brow furrowed. “Grandpa Bob worked for the county doing road maintenance.”

  “I’m talking about Patrick’s father,” Adele said, oblivious to the way both of her daughters stiffened at the rare mention of their father. “You know he was a CPA too, right?”

  “No, we didn’t know that,” Molly said. As always, when her mother dropped these all too infrequent tidbits of her father or his family, her chest bubbled with thousands of questions.

  And as always, Molly bit them back, knowing from experience that her attempts for more information would only be brushed off.

  “Yep, he had a successful practice in Spokane before he died,” Adele said as she rose from her barstool and headed back to the kitchen to prep for dinner service.

  Molly glared for a second at her mother’s retreating back and then turned back to Ellie. “I hate it when she does that.”

  “Does what?” replied her sister, apparently unfazed as she unloaded a rack of clean glasses and began storing them behind the bar.

  “How she goes years without talking about him at all, and then drops a little crumb like it’s no big deal.”

  Ellie shrugged. “She’s always been that way. She doesn’t want to talk about him until she wants to talk about him.”

  Molly was silent several seconds. “Did you ever think about trying to get in touch with him, you know recently?” When their father had first stopped returning their calls and letters, Molly and Ellie had both continued to reach out. Until one day their letters were returned stamped Return to Sender, no forwarding address, and their phone call was met with a disconnection notice.

  Adele had tucked them into bed that night, kissed their tear-streaked cheeks, and offered up the simple but heartbreaking explanation that sometimes parents made mistakes, but that she loved them enough for two parents.

  “He doesn’t want to be our dad anymore,” Ellie had whispered after their mom turned off the light and left the room.

  They hadn’t talked about trying to contact him again until just now.

  Ellie set down the glass she held and pressed her lips together. “
I did, briefly, right after Anthony was born.” She unconsciously ran her hand over the curve of her belly. “But then I thought, why do I care about my baby knowing a grandpa who hadn’t been interested enough in his own kids to send a card or pick up a phone once in a while? He doesn’t deserve the privilege of knowing him. He doesn’t deserve the privilege of knowing us,” she said and gave Molly a pointed look. “But you know me, I’m not one to try to impose my company where it’s not wanted.”

  Though she knew in her heart that Ellie didn’t mean anything by it, the comment hit Molly square in the gut. Unlike her sister, she had spent the better part of a decade pushing herself on someone who was no longer interested. “You’re probably right,” Molly said, and excused herself to go work on the budget.

  But as much as she wished she could share her sister’s confident, cavalier attitude, as she went back to the restaurant’s tiny office she couldn’t get rid of the gnawing ache in her stomach.

  And when she sat down at the desk and clicked on the computer, instead of pulling up Excel so she could fine tune the monthly budget before sending it to Damon, she opened up her browser to Google Maps and typed in the address she’d found earlier last week.

  According to her rudimentary internet search skills, Patrick Tanner, aged 54, lived at 11629 East Montana Place in Aurora, Colorado. Just an hour’s flight from Billings.

  Not that she’d do anything crazy like show up on his doorstep unannounced. But how much harm could come from sending him a letter or a postcard?

  “Hey Molly.”

  She jumped at the sound of her sister’s voice and quickly closed the browser window, even though with the monitor facing away from the door there was no way Ellie could see the page.

  “Sorry to interrupt,” Ellie said, “but I wanted to make sure you can cover breakfast tomorrow so I can do that thing in Anthony’s class. I’ll be back in time for lunch.”

  “Of course,” Molly agreed, wondering why a guilty flush was creeping up her cheeks. “I just have to be out at the Thornton Ranch by one to meet with Jack and Pete.”