Letting You Know

by Nora Flite

  Nicholas looked up, leveling his green eyes on me as I stood there on the edge of the rug. He didn't smile, he didn't speak, he only watched me with a blank expression that spoke volumes.

  “Hey everyone!” My dad said loudly, stomping through. “Excuse me, hold on, let me put these down so I can greet y'all correctly.” He dropped his bags of gifts by the tree, then spun around as Bethany was standing.

  She smiled sweetly, hugging him back as he wrapped his arms around her. “Hey there, Dylan,” she said. “How was the drive?”

  “Good, good,” he said, looking to Nicholas. The younger man rose, sharing in a quick embrace as well. “How are you guys doing? Didn't see you this morning before you left, Nicholas.”

  “Yeah, sorry about that,” he murmured, watching me over our father's shoulder.

  Dad doesn't know what's going on between us at all, I realized. Beside me, I felt Leah reach up, touching the small of my back. The affection was welcome, I reveled in the comfort she brought me. Though she didn't know all the details either, it was clear Leah had taken the pieces and filled in the gaps where they were needed.

  My grandfather dropped our bags down by the couch, grinning at us all with innocent oblivion. “Who's hungry? Anyone want a snack?”

  “Oh, honey,” a soft voice said from the other side of the room. All of us turned, spotting my grandmother standing by the tree. The entrance across the rug led to the kitchen, my memory knew that solidly. “Don't ruin their appetites with candy, I've got a ham in the oven 'bout ready to pop.”

  “Alright alright,” he chuckled. “After dinner then. Y'all sit, I'll get you some drinks, then.”

  “I could use some tea,” my mother said, wandering around us and towards the kitchen. The older people followed, murmuring to each other as they caught up and made chit-chat.

  That left the four of us alone with each other. The heavy tightness in the air was instant.

  Glancing at Bethany and Nicholas where they stood, I forced a friendly smile. “Oh, uh, I grabbed your bag for you, Nicholas.”

  “How sweet of you,” he said, sitting down on one of the couches. His words were acid, nothing like what he actually had said.

  Bethany looked unsure of how to feel. Her eyes flicked from me, to Leah, before she settled beside Nicholas on the plush material.

  Following suit, my body acting on impulse, I sat down across from them on the other sofa and motioned to Leah. Her hands were wound up in her lap when she fell next to me, legs crossing at the knee.

  She's literally tying herself into knots.

  I wanted to break the stiffness, but had no clue how to do so. “This place... it never looks any different, does it?” I asked.

  “Nope,” Nicholas shrugged. “Lot of stuff doesn't change, I guess.”

  He's not talking about the house.

  To her credit, Bethany seemed to want to smooth things over as well. Her lips made a pretty smile, which she turned to me gently. “It is sort always like this, isn't it? Your granddad even puts the ornaments on the tree the same way every year.”

  Chuckling, I nodded, all of us looking at the huge, lit up behemoth in the corner. “If I didn't know better, I'd wonder if they just put it away every year with everything still on it.”

  “That'd make it easier, I bet,” Leah said, smiling shyly at me, then Bethany.

  “Yeah, except I think Grandaddy Day likes the process of taking it all down, too.” The blonde mused, leaning against Nicholas. I watched her hand trail over, comfortably finding a spot on my brother's knee.

  Nicholas, who'd been bound up tight as a spring, crumbled under her touch. “He is a pretty big fan of tradition,” he said.

  “I remember the year he tried to get me to help him make caramels,” I laughed. “I completely botched the measurements and burned—”

  “Us,” Nicholas said, lowering his brows sharply. “He asked us to make them.”

  “I—did he?” Flustered, I wiped my palm over my forehead. He was right, my memory of the event had focused so hard on how it had felt to have grandaddy helping me cook, I'd shoved my brother out of the fond experience.

  I really do keep doing that.

  We all sat there, saying nothing, eyes darting around uncomfortably. Luckily, my grandmother wandered in, hands clasped at her chest. “You kids ready to eat?”

  All of us exclaimed various sounds of agreement, relieved we could stop attempting to make terse conversation.

  ****

  After dinner, we settled in for what felt like a much needed night of rest. My parents took one of the spare bedrooms, the girls were offered the other.

  Watching Leah tromp off with Bethany, her mouth a nervous line, I felt a flicker of unease. I didn't think Bethany would do anything, but even so, I wanted to protect Leah from anything my ex might attempt.

  “She'll be fine, you know,” Nicholas said, staring at me from the sofa. We'd both been given the couches in the living room, a fact I wasn't keen on.

  Being alone with my brother, with everything that had happened, didn't seem the wisest move.

  “I know,” I answered, shrugging. “She's just a little nervous and—I just want to make sure she's comfortable.”

  “Pretty sure she's old enough to take care of herself.”

  “Of course,” I grumbled, my neck tightening. Is he trying to pick a fight, right now?

  Nicholas went quiet, sinking down on the couch with the blanket pulled to his neck. I could tell he was staring at the ceiling, even though there was nothing there.

  Maybe I should try and talk to him about earlier.

  “Hey,” I said softly, “look, uh, that whole mess today in the car? Why did you say I'd never been happy for you before?”

  “Deacon, I'm not having this conversation right now.”

  “But I—”

  “Man, stop.” Shifting, he shot me a long, harsh glare. “Just stop. Figure it out on your own, maybe. Tell me why you've never been happy for me, and then we can talk.”

  I opened my mouth, wanting to argue, to defend, but I had nothing. Nicholas rolled over, showing me his back and ending the chance at a conversation of any kind.

  In the flickering light of the tree, I stared at his tense shoulders. I watched until they started to swell and drop with the motion of sleep-filled breathing.

  What did I do to him? He keeps talking about me not being happy for him, that I keep rubbing him from my memories.

  Have I truly done that to my own brother?

  My skull ached when I attempted to recall instances from my past. I'd already been soaking in the despair brought on by Bethany, to try and dig deep into my mistakes with my brother was too much.

  Maybe I don't need to do that. Shouldn't I just take him at his word? Otherwise, he'd simply be lying about it all. Nicholas is many things, but I would never have called him a liar.

  Sitting up, I looked at the decorated tree, the presents shining below the branches. After all, I can't pretend I didn't completely forget to get him anything for Christmas.

  What has he done that's made me punish him so subconsciously?

  Reaching up, I dug into the pocket of my jacket where I'd draped it over the arm of the couch. The wrapping around Leah's gift crinkled.

  In my hands, the Santa-patterned box felt small and fragile. Should I... should I really...

  It was an option I had never considered before, but it now offered itself as a way to prevent more harm.

  Except that Leah will be the one to suffer now. Kneeling by the gifts, I set the square down among them, carefully prying away the label. Leah's name, scrawled neatly by my hand, vanished into a crinkle of a ball.

  There were pens in a bowl on the small side table, so I grabbed one quickly. Nicholas inhaled in his sleep, the sound making my skin prickle.

  Hurry, now, before he sees you and this is all ruined.

  When I was finished, my brother's name was written on the wrapping paper. The cell phone would now be his, a fact that didn'
t thrill me as much as I wished.

  But it's the right thing to do for him.

  Falling back onto the sofa, burrowing down in the blankets, the heat was unbearable. My skin was sticky with the heat of nerves and foreboding.

  If only it had been the right thing for Leah, as well.

  Chapter 11.

  My grandfather did not believe in letting us sleep late. We were young, healthy people; by that logic, it meant daybreak was the time to awaken.

  He stomped through the living room where Nicholas and I had been sleeping, making no pretense about what he was up to. “Hey,” he said, gruff but friendly. I cracked open an eye, tired and wishing he'd leave me be.

  His grin told me there'd be no such luck.

  “Got fresh coffee ready,” he said.

  “I still don't drink coffee, Grandad.”

  “I do,” Nicholas said, sitting up on the other couch. He stretched his arms high, yawning over the sound of his back cracking. “I could use a hot cup, actually.”

  Nodding, our grandfather stood straight, glancing around. “I'll send your mom to wake the girls up. I was thinking I'd take you all shooting today.”

  “Shooting?” I asked, squinting at the idea. I hadn't done such a thing in many years.

  Nicholas jumped up, grinning wide as ever. “That sounds great! You want to go soon?”

  “Yeah,” he nodded, looking pleased. “With the gift exchange tonight, I was thinking we'd do a few things today, wanted to get an early start.”

  It was hard to fight his enthusiasm, even if talking about presents made my belly curl into a solid ball.

  I still don't know what I'm going to do for Leah, now. That cell phone was going to be such a good thing for her, too. How can I top that?

  Standing, I rubbed my neck to remove the soreness that sleeping on the couch had brought. “Alright, that might be fun.”

  “Since when do you like shooting?” My brother scoffed, seeming to just notice my existence. He didn't seem pleased about it, either.

  Glancing at Grandad, not wanting to openly get into a row with Nicholas, I shrugged. “I don't know, it just seems like a neat thing to show Leah. I doubt she's done it before.”

  “You don't know?”

  “Uh, no,” I said, furrowing my brow. “I don't, in fact, know if my girlfriend has shot a gun or if she would enjoy it. I'm just guessing here.”

  “Maybe you should ask her, instead of assuming,” he remarked with false casualty.

  I frowned, biting my tongue.

  I hope giving him that gift fixes things between us. This snarky side of him is getting out of hand.

  In the kitchen, I found my grandmother sitting at the table with a buttered roll and a cup of steaming java. She was wrapped in a giant pink robe, her fluff of hair a perfectly curled mass of ivory. “Morning,” she nodded, “help yourself, boys.”

  Nicholas was quick to fill a mug, nabbing two rolls from the basket. I took one as well, sitting down with a cup of OJ from the fridge.

  We'd hardly begun nibbling when Bethany, Leah and my mother all wandered in. I couldn't help but wonder what it must have been like for my girlfriend and my ex to share a bedroom all night long.

  It would be the first time they were alone together. I wonder what they talked about... if they talked at all.

  I don't know which would be worse, gossip or awkward silence.

  “Morning, sleepy,” I said with a grin, noticing Leah's frizzy bed-head. She looked dead on her feet, but she gave me a dopey smile.

  “Morning, yes, that's the time.” Her eyes found the coffee and she made a bee-line for it. I had to resist chuckling.

  We all gathered at the table, munching on food, convinced it was far too early. Our hanging heads, combined with half-shut eyes, said more than words could.

  “So!” My granddad shouted, clapping his hands as he clomped loudly into the kitchen. My father wasn't far behind. “Who wants to see the farm and shoot some guns?”

  “Guns?” Leah asked, eyes wide and shiny.

  “Are you scared of guns?” I asked curiously.

  She shrugged, nibbling what was left of her third roll. “I don't know, I've never seen one in person, much less shot one.”

  Grandaddy laughed, eyes glinting from Leah to Bethany. “You've done it before, haven't ya?”

  “Yeah,” the blonde said, nodding slightly. “I'm a pretty good shot, actually.”

  “Fantastic!” He crowed, gripping his pockets and seeming as pleased as could be. “Then let's get dressed and give it a go! It's cold out, so bundle up.”

  I laughed softly, looking at the hot cup of coffee Leah was draining; she chugged it like it might keep her warm.

  The idea was tempting.

  Now I almost wish I did like that stuff.

  ****

  The truck we all piled into rumbled along the fields and dirt behind my grandfather's house. The area was all owned by him, stretching far in its current brownish state. I knew in summer the area would be bustling with life, but for now, it was just rocky and cold.

  I'd been crushed into the backseat with Nicholas beside me, Bethany opposite him by the door. It was uncomfortable, for many reasons.

  Leah had been gifted the front seat, her face pressed to the window as we drove. She was asking many questions, delighting my grandfather as she asked about the farms, the land, the cows, and what the grain silos even were.

  It hadn't occurred to me she wouldn't know.

  He pointed out the large, renovated barn behind the house where they kept the corn and soy beans for planting. He also drove us around the duck pond, past the tire swing, and across a wobbly bridge before we set off further.

  This is nice, though. This is what I was hoping for... she's getting to know him. And, he's getting to know her. He seems to like her too.

  Though, Grandaddy likes everyone.

  We parked on a hill, stumbling from the warm vehicle and out into the biting cold with clear regret.

  I stuck my gloved hands into my pockets, deep as I could go. “Brr,” I said flatly, glancing at Leah. She moved beside me, leaning into me as if to steal my body warmth.

  “It's pretty awful out here,” Bethany said.

  “I'll say,” I agreed, watching Grandad collect everything from the trunk. “Let me help.”

  He handed me a shotgun, so I hooked it over my shoulder carefully. In the end, with Nicholas helping, we carried our load of guns down the embankment to the flat field below.

  A device had been set up, a strange catapult like thing stuck into the ground.

  “What's that?” Leah leaned down, eyeing it curiously.

  “That's for shooting clay pigeons,” Nicholas explained, standing close to her.

  I wanted to mend things with my brother, but it was difficult to swallow the distrust and acrid irritation he always caused to boil inside of me.

  Leah nodded, pushing her hair behind her ears. Seeing how red they were already, I pulled my wool cap off my head. “Here, take this.” Before she could argue, I tugged it down over her skull. “You don't want your ears to fall off.”

  “True.” Her smile was sweet, her nose pink in the winter air.

  Nicholas watched us, silent as a stone. Bethany, perhaps summoned by his disquiet, stepped close and touched his shoulder. “Want to help me get my gun set up?”

  “I thought you said you were good at this?” He asked, turning to her with a teasing smile. In the face of her contact, my brother seemed to soften; butter in a warm kitchen.

  “Well,” she shrugged, “doesn't mean I don't want you to help me, still.”

  He chuckled, leading her to the guns with his hand on the small of her back.

  “You have to admit,” Leah said quietly, looking up at me as she whispered. Her scarf almost hid her sideways smile. “They're kind of cute together.”

  I prepared myself for a flinch, for a stab in my guts, but no such thing came. Blinking, I stared at the pair, watching them laugh over some unhear
d joke. “Yeah, I guess they kind of are.”

  He loves her, he told me so.

  I wondered if Bethany and I had ever looked quite like that, if we had been so comfortable with each other.

  Leah circled my arm with her own, tugging me towards the weapons. “Come on, I want to try this out.”

  Her childish joy made my heart throb. Seeing her smiling, pulling me along as steam puffed from her mouth, my line of thought shifted.

  I wonder if Leah and I look like they do.

  My grandfather handed out guns to us one by one, instructing us how to hold them, how to aim.

  “Now,” he said, “I'll send these clay pigeons flying, and you guys try and shoot them. Careful, it'll be loud, and those guns can have a kick.”

  Standing beside Leah, I helped her arrange her body. My hands slid down her arms, tilting her shoulders, pressing firmly into her sides. “Okay, lift your arms up her, brace yourself for this.” I whispered into her ear, my breath tickling her skin.

  I noticed her inhale slightly, tongue sliding over her bottom lip. The fact Leah and I had had no time alone for several days suddenly hit me.

  She feels so good in my hands, dammit.

  Calming myself, I brushed a strand of hair off of her neck; she flinched, looking at me sideways.

  “Eyes ahead,” I said firmly, grinning.

  “I'm trying to focus, you know.”

  “Oh, I know,” I chuckled.

  I stepped back, giving her room. The machine 'twanged', sending the orange disk flying high into the air. “Go!” I shouted.

  Leah squeezed the trigger, the crack of the gun deafening. The disk exploded, falling to the earth in pieces. Her body jerked so violently that she was sent backwards. “Oof!” Wind blasted from her lungs when she sat down hard on the ground.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, hurrying back over to her. Gripping her free hand, I pulled her to her feet. Leah's eyes were alive, bright as chocolate candy.