Consume Me

by Ryan Michele

  When I found my mother’s dead body on the floor of her room, I tried everything to make her come back to me, the compressions, breathing into her mouth… Nothing. She was gone. Then self-preservation kicked in and I did the most painful thing I’ve ever done. I kissed her softly, ran to my room, packed a bag and left. On the car ride, I called the ambulance and cried the entire way to my aunt’s house in North Carolina.

  I checked for her obituary repeatedly, stopping at libraries along the way. My aunt gave me her car and a GPS that wasn’t connected to anything that could be traced. Each day I looked, I both dreaded and hoped that I would see it. I dreaded it because it was confirmation she was gone. And I hoped, because I wanted to make sure that someone got to her and gave her the respect she deserved. When I found it, I broke out in tears right there in the middle of the library. I couldn’t stop them even though I tried.

  What really killed me was the funeral. I couldn’t go. I so wanted to be there to tell my mom goodbye, but couldn’t.

  The ring from my phone tears me out of my painful thoughts, thankfully, and I pluck it off the coffee table. Princess’s name is on the screen. I swipe it to accept the call.

  “Hello.” Since our talk everything at X, minus me getting tackled, has gone well and I like my new job. Princess may be a badass, but she has a huge heart, though I’d never tell her this because she’d probably throat punch me.

  “Hey. I’m going over to see Casey. You want to come?” Her words catch me by surprise. I haven’t seen Casey since her kidnapping. GT has kept her under lock and key, which I don’t blame him for, but the truth is, I miss her.

  I met Casey shortly after taking the job from Princess and something between us just clicked. Our bond really grew when Princess was in jail. Babs, a jealous bitch who wanted to be Princess, and Liz who ran the club while Princess was in jail, set Princess up. They are both dead now and the fact that I say that without hesitation should unnerve me, but it strangely doesn’t.

  But while Princess was locked up, Casey and I became really great friends. We had each other to lean on and I miss her.

  “Love to. How’s she doing?” Casey has been through a lot these past few months. She lost her and GT’s baby, almost lost GT, then was kidnapped. All Tug told me is that it was bad. I know bad and hope that Casey didn’t have to live through what I did. I would never wish that on anyone.

  “She’s getting better. She talked to Shaina and I think that helped. The last time we spoke, she talked about my brother and it screamed a satisfied woman.” She stops then continues. “Not that I need to know shit about what they do in the bedroom.”

  But she would listen to her because she loved her. That part isn’t said, but I know it’s true. The relationship between Princess and Casey is something that I’d love to have. They’ve known each other since they were kids and grew up side-by-side. I don’t have any connection to my childhood and any of my old friends I severed ties with and don’t dare find them. I can’t risk it. But what I have with Casey and Princess now is good, and I like that, a lot.

  I chuckle. “I bet he’s good,” I tease and Princess sighs. “You going over to her house?”

  “Yeah. You want to meet me or want me to pick you up?” she asks.

  “I’ll drive. I need to change real quick and then I’ll come.” I get up from the couch and go to my bedroom.

  “All right, meet ya in thirty.”

  “Bye.” I end the conversation right before Princess disconnects the phone. I change into a pair of faded blue jeans with holes at the knees. Some would think this is stylish, but I ripped one of the legs on a nail that protruded out of my doorframe when I first bought the place. So, I tore the other so it would match. Now, they are my favorite jeans. I add a blood-red baby T, a black belt with small metal stars all over it, and my sling back sandals. I brush my hair and then set out for Casey’s.

  The door opens in a whoosh to reveal Casey behind it, grinning, but a hint of sadness hides behind her eyes. “There you are! I was so excited when Harlow told me you were coming!” Casey has always called Princess by her real name, Harlow. In the club, they have club names like Harlow is Princess and now I hear that Casey is Angel. Nice, fits her perfectly.

  I hold my arms open as she falls into them and I hug her tight. “I missed you, woman.”

  “Come in. I’ve been trying to de-man cave the place and it’s a full time job.” She laughs and it is awesome to hear that sound out of her.

  The house does not look like a man cave to me. The buttery cream walls create a cozy atmosphere along with pictures of Casey and GT, and some of their family among them. Dark brown curtains with buttery cream stripes hang to the sides of the windows but are open to let in the light. The couch and chair are a deep brown matching the curtains and the coffee table is a beautiful dark wood. I breathe in deep and smell the scent of cherry vanilla, calming and very soothing.

  “It’s not a man cave to me.” I enter the room fully and kick off my sandals in the walkway.

  “Oh God. You should have seen this place when I moved in. It was a pit. I made GT take me to the bedding store to get a new bed and sheets before I’d sleep here. And the living room, damn I needed a shovel to get through all the pizza boxes and beer bottles.” Her tone is serious but with a hint of humor. “Come on in the kitchen. Harlow’s there.”

  The kitchen is quaint. It has the same butter cream walls, with light wood cabinets and a tan, speckled Formica countertop. It’s small but very clean. Linoleum lines the floor in some type of blue, triangular pattern. Princess rifles through the refrigerator.

  “Hey, bout time your ass gets here.” She sets a pitcher of sweet tea on the counter, opening a cabinet to the right of the sink and removing three plastic tumblers.

  I set my purse on the small kitchen table off to the side of the room and place my hands in the back pockets of my jeans. I shrug. “I had to change and then I came.”

  Princess pours the tea into the cups and I have no doubt that it’s sweet tea. Here in Georgia, I learned quickly that when you order tea it comes sweet. If you don’t want it that way, you have to say unsweetened and you get funny looks, but that’s the way of the south.

  “Here.” Princess passes out drinks to Casey and me.

  “Let’s go in the living room where it’s more comfortable. I’d like to go outside and sit, but we don’t have any chairs yet.” Casey leads us into the living room. She sits on one end of the couch and Princess on the other, I lounge in the recliner.

  The air in the room changes. It isn’t uncomfortable, but nobody wants to talk about the elephant in the room. I sure as shit don’t want to bring up the fact that Casey was kidnapped a short time ago.

  “All right. Let’s get this part over with so we can move on. I was kidnapped. It wasn’t a good time. He didn’t rape me, but he touched me. I was scared shitless but the part that haunts me is Shaina. Much worse was done to her, but that’s her story to tell, not mine. I’m seeing a counselor thanks to Doc.” Doc is the clubhouse doctor and the only reason I know that is because he’s come to X to help a couple of the girls out over the years, mostly when their shitheads of boyfriends thought it would be fun to use them as human punching bags. “I really don’t want to go into any details of it, but just know that I’m getting better.”

  I breathe out. “I’m so sorry that happened to you, Casey.” I pour every bit of sincerity in that statement because I mean it deeply. I never want another woman to go through the pain of someone taking from them what they are not willing to give. Some things in life are beyond wrong, that is one of them.

  “Thank you. But no more of it.” Her butt touches the edge of the couch and she places her cup on the coffee table. Her eyes meet mine, her beautiful blonde hair framing her face, her green eyes intent. “This will be the last time we talk about it. I don’t want it to be me or define me. It’s over and done. I also don’t want you to feel bad for me. I love you for it, but I want to move on.”

  I
study her briefly and though there is pain there, there is also determination and strength. I like it. “I love you too, woman. Not another word from me about it.” I pretend to zip my mouth and toss the key in the air.

  Satisfaction gleams in her eyes. “Great.” She must have already had this conversation with Princess because she doesn’t go into it with her and Princess doesn’t speak a word about it. “All right, tell me what’s going on with you two.” She reclines and we sit in silence. My eyes question Princess without words, asking if she told her about the guy at X. I really don’t think she has because Casey being Casey would have asked about it flat out. Princess’s eyes flick back and forth, telling me no, Casey doesn’t know. I don’t know whether to be happy about that or feel shitty, like I’m hiding something from her.

  Princess starts. She talks about how wonderful things are with her man Cruz and her now son, Cooper. The love in her eyes is so vibrant it shines through her, making her glow. It’s awesome to get a glimpse of tough-ass Princess’s soft side, the woman that could kick anyone’s ass, including her brother, GT, who is bigger than her by the way.

  “And Blaze is working for me,” she adds at the end.

  Confusion laces Casey’s expression. “Huh? I don’t get it.”

  “I hired her to do the books and take care of things. We are going to run X together.” Pride shines from her words and a lump crawls up my throat.

  Casey turns to me. “Are you going to quit stripping?”

  “Eventually. Right now I’m doing it once a week and will probably do so for the next week or two, maybe longer. I don’t know yet.” Princess and I haven’t had time to sit and really talk about it again, she has been letting me do my thing. “The money is too damn good to pass up, but stripping is not what I want to do with my life. I just can’t give it up quite yet.” It may sound petty of me to want to do it just for the money, but that money is way too important to me. I need the safety net.

  It never has been my dream to be a stripper, but when I got to my aunt’s and explained what happened at home and to my mom, she told me that I needed to hide out. Since her place would be the first place they would look, she gave me cash and a business card. On the front of the card was a large X with an address in Sumner, Georgia. She told me to go there and they would help me, but didn’t explain any further. And Princess did.

  I wanted to build up my savings, and boy have I. I’m glad numbers are my thing because my egg is well nested. Having the money on hand will help me in a pinch and I need that.

  “Understandable. I never had the balls to do it,” Casey says and it shocks me that she even considered it, especially growing up in the club. Her dad was Bam, who was a member of Ravage and has been dead for over four years. I didn’t think that Bam would have allowed it, but I could be wrong.

  “You wanted to?” I ask incredulously.

  “I want to learn how to dance, sexy-like. I love working in the garage, but I always wanted to learn how to move my body.” She scans me up and down. “And have a body like that.” I sit stunned.

  “Seriously?” She nods and words fall out of my mouth like vomit. “You don’t want this body. Guys only see you as a piece of meat they want to devour. You don’t want that.”

  “I’m sure that’s how they feel in X cause that’s what they are coming there for. But outside of there, there are lots of nice guys that would kill to have your brains and fuck them out of you.” She giggles.

  I chuckle. “I’m sure you’re right, but I don’t take the time to do that. I work, sleep and that’s about it.”

  “You mean to tell me, you’re not getting any?” Princess asks like it’s the worst thing in the world and she’s going to run out and find me a man to screw immediately.

  Not that this is any of their business, but it is girl talk and the only time when my steel shields are pliable. Just not so pliable that my past life seeps through. “I have my vibrator and lots of batteries.”

  “Fuck me.” Princess’s eyes widen, her mouth hanging open a bit. I wonder what the hell is up with that. I mean it’s not really that strange to have a vibrator, everyone has one of those. What’s the damn problem?

  “What?” I sip my tea.

  “You’re not screwing Tug?” Princess asks and I choke. It lodges in my throat and I cough, a lot, and gasp for breath. Casey comes over and pats my back until I get my breathing in order.

  “No,” I croak out with finality and certainty. One thing good about him being gone this week, it gave me time to fortify my walls. They are back up and strong. I will not let him get past them again.

  “Why not? He’s hot.” Casey sits down, assured I’m not going to keel over on her floor.

  “I don’t fuck brothers.” Both Princess and Casey burst out laughing so hard that tears run down their faces and they are gasping for breath. I swear their shrieking continues for like five minutes. They pat each other on the legs, their hands flailing as they bark out and I sit here like an idiot because I have no clue what the hell is so damn funny.

  Casey takes a breath and speaks through her laughter, “We,” she points to herself and Princess, “said the same damn thing and look at us now.” Casey’s body shakes as she breathes, getting herself under control, as does Princess.

  “Yeah,” Princess agrees. “And I had that pact since I was old enough to know what it meant. Now,” she shrugs, “it’s great. Why did you want that to be one of your conditions when I hired you?” In all the years I’ve been at X, Princess has never asked me this question. She’s avoided it or didn’t want the answer. I’m not ready to give the real answer and I never will be, so I go with half-truths.

  “When I first met the guys, they were big and scary. So, I made the decision then.” Which really is the truth because they were intimidating as shit, like they would chew me up and spit me out. I had just left a man and his son who did exactly that, I didn’t want to have that again. But I’m leaving that part out.

  “Do you find them scary still?” Princess asks.

  I think for a moment. “Rhys scares the shit out of me.” That man has a danger about him that no one could touch. It circles around him like a magnetic force. Yikes. When he comes into the club, I do not look in his direction, ever.

  “I’ve known him my whole life and I agree with you on that. But he really is a teddy bear when it comes down to it.” Casey’s teddy bear analogy is not a way that I would describe Rhys at all. He’s definitely more like a predator. A lion or a panther just waiting to strike.

  “He is. All of them are scary when they’re pissed or when they’re protecting what they believe in. But, they each have a loving side. My Pops, I’ve seen him blow many times and sometimes, I’d never tell him this, it scares the shit out of me. But then I see him with Ma and everything is right in the world. The way he takes care of her shows his heart is huge.”

  Princess’s dad Pops is Ravage’s President and took over the position when Diamond was killed; at least that’s what she told me happened. Ma is the honorary mother of Ravage. At the very few get-togethers I’ve been to, I’ve observed each one of those big, rough men around her and her love for them is huge, and vice versa.

  “That may be true, but I don’t want a guy. Any guy.” I don’t need a man to make me whole or complete. I can stand on my own two feet without that bullshit. Right?

  “Don’t you want a man and kids?” Casey asks.

  “No.” The word is abrupt and precise. I don’t want kids, ever. I would never take a chance on the child living the same hell that I went through. While I have thought about it, I dismiss it just as fast. I would die inside if I knew something happened to my child. My mom did the best she could, but there is so much she never knew about. I’ll never subject a child to that, ever.

  Both Princess and Casey stare at me so I continue. “I don’t need a man. I don’t want to have children. I just don’t.”

  I would think that if anything, they would understand this and be cool with it, but they jus
t glare at me. Just like Tug does, trying to read my damn mind. I don’t back down.

  “Tug really is a good guy, Blaze. I wouldn’t shit you.” Casey defends and I’m positive she’s right, considering all the nice things he’s done for me. Hell, he beat some guy up and held me when I cried. Unfortunately, she’s right. I steel my spine.

  “I know you wouldn’t. I am just not on the market for anyone right now.” My words come out weaker than I intended as a small edge of dread fills me. I’ll never have what Princess and Casey have. Never.

  “All right, enough of this tap-dancing bullshit,” Princess says, staring at me, she’s going to tell Casey. I sigh and Casey stares. Better to tell her now than hear it from someone else. The guy attacking me isn’t a big deal, it’s Tug’s reaction to it that is going to call bullshit on everything I just said. I nod and brace myself. “A few nights ago, a guy jumped onto the stage and knocked Blaze off onto her ass. Tug was there and took care of her. The next morning, Tug called me to come and stay with her because he had to leave.”

  Casey’s eyes swing to me. “First, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. I’ve been up on stage a couple times since.” I shrug it off and wait for it…

  Then her eyes fill with amusement. “Second, you’re a lying sack of shit!” she screams, not in a bad, I’m-going-to-kill-you way but in a funny-ha-ha kind of way. She turns to Princess. “And you let her spew that shit about her not wanting a man, blah blah, blah, when you knew she is seeing Tug?” Princess doesn’t say a word. Casey turns to me. “So, you lied about sleeping with him?”

  I straighten. “No. I haven’t had sex with him, but I have slept in the same bed as him.” I pause and wince at the next word which will air out what I don’t want them to know. “Twice.”

  Princess joins Casey’s chuckle. “Now that,” she points to me, “I didn’t know about.”

  “You really do like him.” Casey’s eyes turn dreamy. Do I lie? Do I lead them down the same path I want to lead Tug? My heart warms. These women like me and I can’t do it. No more lies. It’s getting tiring.