by Unknown
“What's messed up?” I looked over to the fire cat but he just blinked his burning eyes in bewilderment.
“Go!” Anubis shouted to Ma'at as he pointed towards the ballroom entrance. “Hurry.”
Ma'at just nodded and turned to leave but before she got more than four steps, Re, the Egyptian God of the Sun, ran past her and swept me up in a passionate embrace worthy of any romance novel. I vaguely heard him whisper my name before he set his sensual lips on mine and kissed me so thoroughly, I was shaking by the time it was done.
Re drew away from the kiss slowly, reluctantly. I looked up into his long-lashed, smoldering, gold eyes. There was a ring of dark brown around the gold that I'd never noticed before. Probably because I never looked very long at Re. His was too beautiful, so stunning that he was hard to look at. Like staring into the sun.
Thick, dark eyebrows arched over bedroom eyes and combined with the strong angle of his jaw, it kept his face from becoming too feminine. High cheekbones curved inward before dropping straight to that hard jawline, and bisecting his face was a regal nose any pharaoh would be proud to have immortalized in gold. His swarthy skin even glimmered like it was dusted with gold, tricking the eye into thinking he was paler than he actually was, and his thick, pin-straight hair fell around strong shoulders, shifting from chocolate brown to shimmering golden blonde.
Full lips parted as Re spoke, “You're really here. You're alive, my love.”
“What the hell just happened?” I whispered, still staring up at him in shock. I wasn't sure what I was the most dazed by; the kiss, his perfect face, or the fact that he'd just called me his love.
“What do you mean?” Re's hands were sliding over my body like he knew it intimately, one finally snaking up into my hair and coming to rest against the side of my face. “I thought I'd never see you again. How are you alive, Vervain?”
“She is from ze past,” Kirill's hand went to Re's shoulder and Re looked over to him with a frown.
Seeing Kirill snapped me out of my lust-induced fog and I pulled violently away from Re, gaping at both men. Oh my damn, I'd just cheated on my lovers right in front of one of them. Not good. So not good.
“Vervain?” Re wore a wounded look on his face.
“She doesn't know,” Kirill said to Re before he turned to me. “It's okay, Vervain,” his hand went to my neck and he lightly stroked his thumb over my rapid pulse. “You haven't betrayed anyone. After Odin left, your magic needed...”
“Another man,” I whispered and looked back at Re with dawning horror. “You? I... how?”
“How?” Re gave me an incredulous look.
“I mean,” I babbled and stuttered like a schoolgirl. “I obviously see why I would want to be with you but how did we...? I mean... why...,” I glanced at Anubis.
“Why didn't you chose Anubis?” Re's jaw started to clench and the gold in his eyes brightened to sunlight.
“I was already married,” Anubis said grimly and then looked away.
“Oh wow, I really just can't help myself, can I? It's like I deliberately try to make things as difficult as possible,” I looked from Re to Anubis and then to Ma'at, who stood uncomfortably to the side.
“Your relationship has caused some turmoil here,” Ma'at said in her honest, yet kind way.
She was the Goddess of Justice and I could always count on her to speak openly and fairly. She was also Anubis' sister and I could tell my decision to be with Re must have hurt her because it hurt Anubis. I looked toward Anubis with wide eyes.
“Am I the reason you're having trouble with your wife?” I asked in a low, horrified tone.
“Everything does not revolve around you, Vervain!” Anubis snapped suddenly and got to his feet. He smoothed out his button-down, black, dress shirt and took a calming breath before he began to leave the room.
“Anubis,” I grabbed his arm when he tried to walk past me. “I didn't mean to be arrogant. I only wanted to know what kind of damage I'd caused so I could use the information to try and undo it when I go back.”
Anubis stopped and sighed, then turned his head to me and gave me a gentle smile. “I understand,” he nodded. “And perhaps you're not being so arrogant after all. You were the first woman I ever loved.”
“I'm so sorry, Anubis,” I hugged him and his head lowered, so he could press his cheek to mine. Now this was more like the hug I'd been expecting.
“What do you mean, undo it?” Re asked in a deep rumble, so unlike his normal voice, it made me wince.
I pulled away from Anubis and looked over to Re. How do I tell a lover that I didn't want to ever love him? That loving him was part of a future I wasn't meant to have... didn't want to have. Re had been a good friend to me and I guess it wasn't too far fetched to think that friendship could turn into something more. Obviously it had but if you had told me just a week ago that one day I'd fall in love with Re, I would have laughed myself silly.
Now I stood before him; he with the knowledge of intimacies I knew nothing about, and me with complete ignorance of both his heart and what I could say that wouldn't break it. Around us, my lions, my lover, my daughter, a faerie, and two gods in his pantheon, one of whom I had been intimate with, looked on in anxious silence. Yes, it was a bit awkward.
“This isn't about us,” I finally said and went forward to take his hand. “I don't know what happened between us. I can see that it must have been amazing and I wish I could share those memories with you, take them back with me, but I can't. I know you only as my friend, a very good friend who's been there for me at some of the hardest times of my life. On and off the battlefield. I don't want to hurt you. You don't deserve that.”
“Vervain,” Re swallowed hard and took my other hand, so that we stood facing each other with our hands clasped between us. “I fell in love with you and you fell in love with me. That's what happened between us. Love. It's simple. When the Intare magic forced you to pick a new lover, you had no idea who to choose. Even if Anubis had been free to be with you, you told me a relationship with him was impossible because of the way your other men felt about him and...” Re glanced apologetically at Anubis, “the way you felt about him. You care for him but it's not that kind of love.”
I heard a sharp inhale from my right and looked over to see Anubis' stricken face. Kirill, my strong, beautiful, kind Kirill, put his hand on Anubis' shoulder and comforted the man who had once abducted me. Anubis looked back up at him and nodded. He knew what he'd done, I owed him no apology or explanation. Even though I'd forgiven him and understood what had motivated him, Anubis' actions were impossible to forget.
“I understand why I would chose to be with you,” I looked back to Re. “I get it,” I gave a huffing laugh and pointedly looked him over, “of course I do. You're wonderful but I have to change whatever went wrong, whatever kept me from fighting against Arach's decision to go to war, and that change may include us.”
“So just decide to stop him,” Re said simply. “Just make the decision to not allow Arach to start this war.”
“That sounds like it should work, doesn't it?” I smiled gently at him. “Unfortunately, I've tried that already and I'm still here, so I know I need to do as Faerie told me and come up with a plan, not just make a choice. I need to know exactly what I'm going to change and how I'm going to do it.”
“So you were brought to the future so that you could change the past,” he sighed. “And I may be a part of the past that's changed.”
“Your past, my future,” I nodded.
“That scares me,” he whispered, “but I love you more than being with you. If we need to be apart for you to live, so be it.”
“Re,” I released his hands so I could hug him. “Thank you.”
“Just one more kiss,” he whispered into my ear.
I leaned back, looked up at him, and even though I knew the memory would haunt me, I gave in. How could I do anything else?
Chapter Twenty-One
Of course Re hadn't been satisfied with ju
st one more kiss. The kiss had been mind-blowing on so many levels and I admit, I wanted more of it even while I felt like a traitor. I knew I shouldn't be wasting time on a romance that would probably never happen but when Re pulled back and looked at me with those anguished eyes, I only wanted to comfort him. I may not have loved him as a man but I loved him as a friend and I didn't like seeing him sad.
“Can you spare some time to walk with me in the gardens?” Re asked and I panicked. “Oh, I see,” he sighed and nodded.
“Go, Tima,” Kirill said gently. “Ve vill vait and visit vith our lost ones.”
“Are you sure?” I blinked wide eyes at him.
“I know vhat it is to lose you,” Kirill looked at Re and nodded in commiseration. “He deserves some time vith you. Especially if it is to all go avay.”
“I haven't even spent time with you alone yet,” I whispered to him.
“But you vill,” Kirill grinned and he was suddenly his old self. “And it vill be a very long amount of time.”
“I love you,” I went over and gave him a kiss.
“Da, I know,” Kirill chuckled. “I love you too, Vervain... and so does he,” he looked over to where Re waited. “Except I have your love in return. Imagine how hard it is for him and forget about loyalties for now. Zis is complicated but love is not. Show him some compassion and trust zat ze rest of us love you enough to understand.”
“Thank you,” I hugged him and something eased around my heart.
“Just not too much compassion,” he whispered in my ear and I giggled.
Being monogamous with five men seems ridiculous but I was and even kissing another man felt like a horrible betrayal to me. I needed someone to give me permission to be kind to Re. I needed one of my men to tell me that this didn't affect the love I had for all of them.
“Zere vas a time vhen I loved you secretly. Before you loved me. Such bittersweet torment,” Kirill kissed me again and then pushed me gently towards Re.
Re held out his arm and I took it, letting him escort me out the nearby glass doors. They opened onto a wide, stone veranda with a low, enclosing wall. Steps bisected the wall, leading down to a grassy path. We walked in silence for a bit, down those steps and into the gardens of Duat. The Underworld sun glinted off waxy leaves and the scent of flowers drifted by with every delicate breeze. A bird chirped merrily down at us from a tree branch overhead. Pebbles clicked beneath our feet and the gurgling of some distant fountain carried over to us. It all seemed so cheerful but Re had become solemn.
“I could tell you about us,” he finally said. “I could describe every detail of our romance. How I fell in love with you in leaps and bounds, sudden drops that left me gasping for breath. How there were moments I fought violently against it, knowing that to love you meant to surrender a huge part of my ego, and then other moments when I wondered how I could have ever known you without loving you.”
“Re,” I shook my head. I had no idea what to say to him.
He stopped and turned me to face him. “I could tell you how you fell in love with me as well. How you would lie in my lap and whisper that you never wanted to leave my bed. That what we had was beyond anything you'd ever known. I could speak of how you called my name in your sleep and clung to me when you woke or I could tell you how I thought about you constantly when we were apart. I could go on for hours about us but I don't think any of it would make a difference to you. Not to this you. Because this you isn't mine. This you has already given her loyalty to others and will not break those vows for anything. This you can't love me.”
“I do love you,” I denied. “I just don't love you like that.”
“Of course,” he smiled sadly and looked away.
“I don't share your memories but what I do remember is the first time I met you,” I placed a hand on his cheek and turned his face back to mine. “I remember being nearly dumbstruck by how beautiful you are and I remember how you helped me simply because you felt it was the right thing to do. I remember thinking your compassion was even greater than your beauty.”
“You were amazing,” Re whispered. “I told myself that you were the type of woman I wanted. Someone who faced every obstacle with courage, strength, and humor. Brilliant humor hiding the fear I knew you felt. So brave.”
“You helped give me the strength and courage to get through that,” I said simply. “Remember the Ball Anubis held? How he handed that chain to you when you asked to dance with me? And then you gallantly handed it over to me. That was one of the brightest moments of my time in Duat. You didn't just hand me a chain, you gave me back my dignity.”
“No,” his hand went to my face. “Dignity can't be taken or given. It was always there inside you, I just reminded you of where to look.”
“Even after I was free, you came to help me in the battle against Eris on the Fields of Strife,” I put my hand over his. “I can still see you riding up in that gold chariot. You were spectacular. Like the sun come down to earth.”
“So were you,” he smiled. “Sitting on that dark horse at the head of a god army. Do you know how many gods have ever led an army of gods?” I shook my head. “A handful at best. Gods fight each other and they may even band together against each other occasionally but to gather in such numbers behind one leader is rare.”
“But I didn't lead gods into battle,” I denied. “They fought beside me against our common enemy.”
“Maybe you can say that about your God Squad,” he amended. “But the rest of us were there for you. You sat astride a horse shifter, Vervain. You were carried into battle on the back of a divine creation.”
“Is that what the shifters are, divine creations?” I cocked my head at him.
“If they were the children of gods, as the Froekn are, they would be demi-gods,” he smiled patiently, obviously accustomed to my random conversation derailments. “But since they were changed into shifters by Epona, such as your lions were by Nyavirezi, they're considered to be divine creations. Magical but not technically a god. So, with that in mind, how many gods fought for you at the Battle of Strife?”
“Oh,” I whispered as I saw it all in my head again. The army of the dead before me and the army of gods at my back. Gods and their divine creations.
“And then the sky opened up and the monsters of Faerie poured forth to defend you,” his voice was low and filled with awe. “It was the most wondrous thing I've ever seen and trust me, I've seen some wondrous things.”
“Arach,” I nodded as I remembered. It had been pretty damn impressive. “He helped me only because his future depended on it.”
“It doesn't matter why, Lala,” Re's elegant fingers slid along my cheek, causing a tingling sensation to bloom beneath them. “You brought them together and that's what's important.”
“Lala?” I frowned, completely enraptured by his gaze, as charmed as any snake.
“Oh,” he smiled self-consciously and looked briefly away before setting his eyes back on mine. “It was our private joke. Lah means moon in Egyptian and I called you it once; the moon to my sun. You said I couldn't call you that because you knew there was already an Egyptian deity by that name. Call me Lala, you said and you laughed, declaring that you loved the silliness of it. Every other title you had was so serious. Even the romantic ones.”
“Lala,” I whispered and there was a jolt inside me. Like all my cells had shook at once. I gasped and Re immediately grabbed my upper arms to steady me.
“What is it?” His face was lined with concern.
“I don't know,” I squeezed my eyes shut as images bombarded me.
Everything spun and then I was the one spinning. I swirled happily in a circle, arms flung out wide. Then I stopped and fell backwards, trusting someone to catch me. Re's face loomed over me as he held me. I laughed and Re whispered; I love you, Lala. Then his face lowered to mine.
I opened my eyes as the vision receded and found that same face staring at me still.
“I saw it,” I whispered and realized we
were sitting on the grass, me in his lap. I sat up to face him. “I saw us.”
“How is that possible?” He whispered back.
“I don't know,” I tried to work it through. “It shouldn't be possible but... moon to your sun. Of course. You're a sun god and both my star and my moon magic appeal to sun gods.”
“Yes, I remember you telling me once how Apollo came on to you,” Re gave a little huff. “But what does that have to do with you seeing things that haven't happened to you?”
“They've happened to you,” I cocked my head at him and gaped. “Torrent once told me that stars could talk to each other and that the sun was just another type of star.”
“You're saying my star spoke to yours?” His eyes went wide.
“Shared memories,” I nodded. “I think so.”
“Would you like some more?” He grinned and it was a wicked grin.
“I don't know if I could handle any more,” I said seriously. “If they're all as wonderful as that one, they might get in the way of what I have to do.”
“They are wonderful,” his pulse beat rapidly in his neck, his pupils expanded as he leaned forward, and the sunlight glinted in his eyes. “Each and every one of them.”
“Then maybe it would be best for you to treasure them for me,” I sighed and pulled back.
“If anyone can save our future, it's you,” Re swallowed hard. “I have complete faith in that and it tears me apart because it means that I will never hold you again.”
“But it also means that you will never miss holding me,” I whispered.
“Won't I?” He whispered back as his face lowered. “I think I will. I think that no matter how you change our future, this will always stay with me.”
“No, it won't,” I spoke against his lips, “but this moment will always stay with me. I promise that even though you will forget me, I will never forget you and what could have been,” then I kissed him because it seemed impossible to do anything else.
Chapter Twenty-Two
We spent a little more time together in the gardens, most of it with me lying in Re's lap as he stroked gentle fingers through my hair and over my skin. I wasn't lying when I said I'd never forget him, there was no chance of ever forgetting about the way his hair draped over me when he lowered his face to mine. The way his rolled up sleeves showed off leanly muscled forearms that rippled when he clenched his hands around my waist. Or how his thighs felt beneath my head and how comfortable I was lying across them.