'What's the matter with you, Julia?' he questioned her when he entered the deserted waiting-room late that afternoon and seated himself on the corner of her desk. 'You're not your usual self today.'
'I'm sorry, Roland,' she sighed ruefully, clearing away the remaining files on her desk and lowering herself tiredly into her chair. 'It must be the after-effects of a rather disturbing night.'
Roland lifted his heavy eyebrows anxiously behind his gold-rimmed spectacles. 'I was given to understand that the operation on Tommy Durandt went off very well.'
'Oh, it did!' she assured him hastily.
'What is it, then?'
A shadow flitted across her face and she looked away. 'It's a personal matter.'
'I see.' There was an awkward little silence before Roland changed the subject. 'What did it feel like to be working in the theatre again?'
Julia surfaced from those painful and embarrassing memories which had plagued her all day. 'It was marvellous experience!'
A smile plucked at Roland's mouth, but his eyes were grave. 'Are you thinking of leaving me for a job at the hospital?'
'No!' She shrank inwardly at the mere thought of it as her candid glance met his. 'You've been good to me, Roland, You and Elizabeth, and I'm very happy working for you. Oh, I admit it was exciting to be able to work in a theatre again, but I like it here with you, and I mean that sincerely.'
'I'm relieved to hear that.' A speculative look entered his eyes. 'I saw Nathan on my early-morning rounds at the hospital, and we discussed Tommy Durandt's post-operative treatment among other things.'
'What other things?' she demanded nervously, her body tensing and her hands tightening their grip on the arms of her chair.
'You, mainly.'
'You discussed me?' she echoed faintly.
'Don't look so anxious, my dear,' he smiled down into her wide grey eyes. 'Nathan asked questions about you, but I told him nothing which he could not have heard from any number of people in the village.' He gazed at her intently for a moment, then he sighed exasperatedly. 'Don't you think it's time you told him the truth, Julia?'
'I can't!' There was an ache in the back of her throat and her voice was husky with the effort to speak. 'The reason why I ended our engagement five years ago is no longer of importance.'
'Why not?'
She lowered her gaze and swallowed hard. 'He's going to marry Marcia Grant.'
'Did Nathan tell you this?'
She shook her head tiredly. 'Marcia told me.'
Roland was silent for a moment, then he rose to his feet and sighed once again. 'Well, it's time to go home, and I hope I'm going to have an undisturbed night.'
Julia echoed that wish for herself as she picked up her bag and followed him out of the building, but she somehow doubted that her mind would allow her a moment's peace.
She drove home with mixed feelings that afternoon. She craved the solitude of her small cottage, but she also dreaded it, and she knew the reason for her contradictory feelings when she finally unlocked her door and walked down the short passage to her bedroom. The memory of what had occurred there the previous evening was still too fresh in her mind, and Nathan's presence seemed to linger there like a phantom, haunting and tormenting.
She deposited her handbag on the dressing-table and kicked off her shoes to walk in stockinged feet to the kitchen to make herself a cup of coffee. She tried to fill her mind with mundane things, such as what she would have for dinner that evening, but the thought of food made her insides curdle in rejection, and her thoughts returned promptly to Nathan. He had said in his note that he would see her this evening, if not before, and she had lived with the dread that he might walk into the waiting-room at any time during the day. How was she going to avoid seeing him that evening? She could switch off her lights and pretend to be out, but sitting there in the dark while Nathan hammered on her door was not something that appealed to her.
The coffee did not steady her, it simply stimulated her mind into a state of panic, and she kept herself occupied preparing a meal which she knew she would be incapable of eating. She had to do something if she did not want her thoughts to drive her crazy.
She prepared something light, something which she hoped would slip down without too much effort, but in the end she merely rearranged the order of the food on her plate. She was tense and nervous while she waited for that dreaded knock on her door. She prayed it would not come, and she almost leapt out of her skin when the telephone started ringing.
That would be Warren, she thought, succeeding in calming herself. He had promised to give her a call from Durban. But she almost dropped the receiver when she heard Nathan's deep, well modulated voice saying, 'I thought I'd let you know that I have a few things to look into here at the farm before I see you this evening.'
Julia was not sure afterwards whether it had taken seconds or several minutes for her to control herself sufficiently to speak, but she was grateful that Nathan was not there to witness the way she was shaking.
'I would prefer it if you didn't come here this evening.'
There was a brief but ominous silence at the other end before Nathan said, 'May I know why?'
'I'm really very tired, Nathan, and I—I'd like to have an early night,' she replied, closing her eyes in silent prayer as she leaned back against the wall for support.
'I promise not to stay long.'
'No!' Her voice sounded sharp, almost panicky, and she lowered it hastily to inject a note of calmness into it. 'Some other time, perhaps, but not this evening. I'm tired, I want to be alone, and I have a lot of thinking to do.'
'I have to leave for Johannesburg in the morning, and I don't expect to return to Doornfield before the weekend,' he informed her brusquely. 'I was hoping we could have a talk before I left.'
'We'll talk when you're back.'
'Very well, but… about last night, Julia. I don't want you to get the idea that I—'
'Please, Nathan!' she interrupted him hastily, her heart beating painfully in her chest, he did not have to underline the fact that last night had meant infinitely more to her than it had to him. He had wanted her, but his love belonged to someone else, and she had no illusions about that. 'I said we would talk when you get back,' she added coldly.
There was a stony silence on the line before Nathan ended the conversation with an abrupt, 'Right! I'll see you at the weekend.'
The dialling-tone purred in her ear, and she drew a jerky breath as she lowered the receiver on to its cradle. She blinked away the tears that pricked her eyelids, but she could not rid herself of that ache in the back of her throat, and she was still hovering beside the telephone, swallowing convulsively, when it rang again.
Julia flinched away from the instrument on the table beside her, and she stared at it as if it were a viper about to strike her. It rang for several seconds before she scraped together sufficient courage to answer it, and her relief was so intense when she discovered it was Warren at the other end of the line that she almost burst into tears.
If Warren had heard the thickness of unshed tears in her voice he made no mention of it, but she wasted no time in controlling herself.
'I miss you,' he said at length, and she was uncomfortably aware that there was more to that statement than she could cope with at the moment. 'Is there any hope for me, Julia?'
She should have said, 'No, there isn't, but she recalled Roland de Necker's warning that she could not go through life shutting her heart to other men. She had to face the fact that there was no hope for her with Nathan and, if she was honest with herself, she would have to admit that she liked Warren very much. He loved her, and he would be a wonderful husband, but she was still having difficulty reconciling herself to the knowledge that she would be marrying a man she did not love.
'I wish I could say "yes", Warren, but I can't. Not yet, anyway,' she added quickly when she realised that her reply might be interpreted as a rejection.
'I guess I shall have to be patient a while lon
ger, won't I,' he sighed disappointedly, but there was a smile in his voice that warmed her cold heart.
'I'm afraid so, Warren,' she replied dismally, hating herself for what she was doing to him. 'How are you progressing with the preparations for your sister's wedding?' she asked, steering their conversation on to safer ground.
'Everything's going smoothly.'
Their conversation ended some minutes later on a light and impersonal note, but Julia lapsed into a sombre, depressed mood when she returned to the kitchen. She scraped her untouched meal into the bin, and piled the dishes into the sink to wash them, but her mind was not on what she was doing. She was thinking about Nathan, and she was recalling his remark on the telephone which she had interrupted for fear of hearing his rejection, but she could not rid her mind of those words.
'I don't want you to get the idea that I…' Love you? What else could he have intended to say? He was going to marry Marcia, and last night had meant nothing to him. Julia cringed inwardly at the memory of what had occurred. She had made it obvious that she was available and willing, and Nathan had not allowed this opportunity to slip through his fingers. He had made love to the woman who had jilted him five years ago, and what sweet justice it must have been from him to avenge himself in that way.
I'm glad I was the first after all. Nathan's remark slipped unbidden into her mind, and it strengthened that painful conviction that his actions had been prompted by the desire for revenge.
Julia pulled out the plug and clutched the side of the sink with her soapy hands. That ache was still there in the back of her throat, and this time she could not prevent the tears that spilled on to her cheeks. Dammit, she was not going to cry! She dried her hands and snatched up a paper towel to dab furiously at her eyes and her cheeks. She had Warren who loved her and wanted to marry her, and she owed it to him to give his proposal of marriage a great deal more serious thought. It was senseless to deprive herself of a home and a family of her own simply because she could not have the man she wanted!
Julia enjoyed working in her garden. It was also a form of therapy to her that Saturday afternoon, and it helped her to relax after a particularly trying and soul-destroying week. She was thinking about Warren while she kneeled on the grass to loosen the soil between the seedlings she had planted along the fence, and she was hoping that she would see him on his return to Doornfield the following day, but her thoughts were interrupted when a car stopped outside her gate.
She looked up, and she could almost swear that her heart turned over in her breast at the sight of Nathan getting out of his Ferrari. The gate swung open beneath his hands on well oiled hinges, and he smiled faintly when he saw her.
'Hello, Julia.'
Her heart was thudding against her ribs when she sat back on her heels and looked a long way up into those incredibly blue eyes which she knew would haunt her until the end of her days. He was dressed casually in a cotton short-sleeved shirt, and his brown slacks were styled to perfection to draw attention to his lean hips and long, muscular legs. The rich, creamy colour of his shirt accentuated his tanned complexion and heightened his masculine appeal, but she cursed herself silently when she felt that familiar stirring of her senses.
'You're frowning,' Nathan observed with a gleam of amusement in his eyes. 'Am I to believe that I'm not welcome?'
She thrust her small garden fork into the loose soil and stood up, aware suddenly of her appearance when she saw his glance taking in her bare feet, faded T-shirt and denims, and the dilapidated, wide-brimmed straw hat which she had planted firmly on her head to protect her face and neck from the blistering rays of the sun.
'I had planned to spend the afternoon gardening, and I wasn't expecting visitors,' she explained, her cheeks flushed with annoyance. 'Would you care for a glass of fruit juice?'
Nathan nodded, a quizzical look in his eyes, and she gestured towards the garden table and chairs beneath the trees. Common sense had warned that there was danger in being alone with him in the cottage, and she waited for him to be seated before she pulled off her garden gloves and went inside.
She was shaking inwardly, and her heart was beating much too fast when she took the jug of fruit juice out of the refrigerator and placed it on a tray with two tall glasses. The ice tinkled in the glass jug when she carried the tray out into the garden where Nathan sat stretched out in one of her garden chairs, and he looked up with a lazy smile that made her pulses leap wildly in response. Stay calm! Julia warned herself as she placed the tray on the table. For God's sake, control yourself!
She poured their drinks with an admirably steady hand, and passed him a glass with a casual, 'I hope you like it.'
Nathan sipped at his drink and raised his eyebrows. 'It has a refreshing taste. What is it?'
'Fresh orange juice with a dash of lemon and soda.' She flung her straw hat on to the empty chair beside her and observed him unobtrusively while she drank thirstily from her glass. 'I always find it refreshing when I'm working in the garden on a hot day such as this.'
His glance rested briefly on her hair which she had tied back with a scarf in the nape of her neck, and she glimpsed that hateful gleam of amusement in his eyes once again before he turned his head to look about him appreciatively.
It was a scorching day with hardly a breeze stirring the air, and the atmosphere was strained and tense between them, despite the peace and tranquillity which Julia's garden had to offer. What was he thinking about? she wondered cynically, stealing a glance at Nathan's stern, handsome profile while they drank their cold drink, and her insides coiled into an agonising knot. She knew the reason for this visit. He wanted to be sure that she had not misconstrued his reasons for making love to her.
'About the other night,' she began stiffly when she could no longer tolerate the tension in the air between them. 'I want you to know that I blame myself entirely. It was something which should not have happened, and it must never happen again.'
He turned his head to look at her, his eyes narrowed and faintly mocking in the dappled sunlight. 'Do you expect me to believe that?'
'Yes, I do.'
'Why, Julia?'
For some obscure reason he was being deliberately obtuse, and she flashed him an angry glance when she leaned forward to place her empty glass on the tray, but she had to look away the next instant when she felt the unexpected sting of tears behind her eyelids.
'You should know the answer to that better than I do,' she rebuked him in a voice that was not as steady as she would have wished.
'Should I?' The wooden chair creaked beneath his weight and she heard the faint thud of his glass joining hers on the tray. 'Does this have any connection with the reason why you broke off our engagement five years ago?'
Anger came to her rescue, and she blinked away her tears to glance at him sharply. 'You know it doesn't!'
'No, I don't know.' He spoke calmly, but there was something ominous in the set of his strong jaw. 'What was your reason for not wanting to marry me?'
'I believe you have asked me that question before, and my answer is still the same.' She avoided his penetrating glance to stare down at her bare feet, and anxiety made her curl her toes into the soft grass. 'I didn't love you enough to marry you.'
'You didn't love enough to marry me, but you still want me, and you proved that when you allowed me to make love to you.'
That was a sobering statement. Her head shot up as if she had been jerked by the hair, and her cheeks flamed at the memory of how eager and willing she had been in his arms. His glance trailed down her body with a slow deliberation, and a sensuous smile curved his mouth to make her suspect that he was mentally stripping her of her clothes and enjoying the experience. She wished that she could run and hide, but it was too late now for a display of modesty when there was not an inch of her body which Nathan had not explored with his lips and hands during those hours of passion they had shared.
She pulled herself together with an effort and shrugged with an affected casualness. 'Yo
u don't have to love a man to want him.'
'That doesn't apply to you, Julia,' he contradicted her with a mocking laugh. 'You're a woman who could never entrust your body to a man if you didn't love him.'
'Don't be ridiculous!' she exclaimed, a suffocating sensation settling in her chest at the fear of Nathan's discovering the extent of her feelings and holding them up for ridicule.
'If I'm judging you incorrectly, then I'd like you to explain why you were still a virgin.'
'I—it was—' She halted her stammering reply and resorted to anger as her only defence. 'Nathan, I don't have to explain anything to you, and I wish you would go away and leave me alone!'
'I'm not leaving until I've received satisfactory answers to a few pertinent questions I intend to put to you,' he responded, the set of his jaw relentless.
'Oh, really?'
'What was the cause of your grandmother's death?' he demanded, ignoring her sarcasm.
'She had cancer,' she answered abruptly, knowing the futility of lying to him when a simple investigation would have revealed the information he was seeking.
'Was that why you decided not to marry me? Because you felt you were under an obligation to stay and nurse her through to the end?'
Julia stared at him, mentally winded by the accuracy of his assumption, and the deep timbre of his voice had an ominous ring to it that sent a shiver of fear racing through her. This was not the moment for confessions, she was not emotionally prepared for it, and she rose to her feet with a jerky movement.
'I'm not in the mood for this inquisition,' she flung at him coldly, picking up the tray and carrying it into the cottage to escape him, but he followed her inside.
'What's the matter, Julia?' he demanded with a derisive smile when they stood facing each other with the width of the small kitchen table between them. 'Am I getting too close to the truth for comfort?'
The kitchen walls seemed to be closing in on her, suffocating her, and her lips parted to draw a gulping breath. Oh, how easy it would be to tell him everything he wanted to know, but she was no longer sure how he would react. The years between had changed him as much as it had changed her, and raking up the past was not going to solve anything. A few nights ago she had conveniently ignored the fact that he was going to marry Marcia Grant, but she was not going to forget it again to add to that burden of guilt which she knew she would carry with her for the rest of her life. No, she was never going to forget it again! Never!
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