Finding Carrie

by C. E. Snyder

  “I don’t remember last time. Was I going to a funeral?” Carrie asked, turning her face away.

  “Well, no, you weren’t. Come on, just a little?” Lee Lee pleaded.

  “Okay,” Carrie said, turning her face back. There was a knock at the door, and Isaac stepped in.

  “The limo’s here. Time to go. Lee Lee, what are you doing?” Isaac asked, walking over to where the two of them were.

  “I’m just putting makeup on her,” she said, looking at her brother over her shoulder.

  “She’s going to a funeral, not a rock show, Lee Lee. Come on,” Isaac said.

  “What?” Carrie sat up to look into the mirror. Carrie was surprised at her face. Isaac had gotten the theatrical makeup for her, and Lee Lee did a good job covering her cuts, but the eyeliner was far thicker than it should be. “Lee Lee, you said you weren’t going to put it on that thick.” Lee Lee just shrugged.

  “I’m not good at thin, I guess,” she said, putting the cap back on and putting the eyeliner down.

  “It will have to do. I’ll just tell everyone you got carried away,” Isaac said, taking his wife’s hand. They went downstairs and outside to get into the car. For some reason, Carrie got it in her head that she should do something for her father-in-law, and the only thing she could think of was to tell Isaac that she wanted to pay for the funeral.

  “Isaac, I want to pay for the funeral,” Carrie said. She stopped to wait to get in the car after the others, which included Isaac’s family, the twins, and all three of her bodyguards. Isaac opened his mouth to say something, but she put her hand up to stop him. “I mean it, Isaac. I want to pay for it. It feels like the right thing to do.”

  “Well, you offered when she first had her stroke. We didn’t think that we were going to have a funeral, but yes, you are paying for it. I knew that it is what you would have wanted,” Isaac said. Carrie blew out her breath in relief.

  “I want to,” she said as she got into the back of the limo.

  The car pulled up to the front of the funeral home and stopped. The driver got out to open the door to let them out. Isaac got out first, and he reached back for Carrie’s hand. She took it and slid out. There were already people there. Some seemed to know her but didn’t approach her for anything. They walked in with her on Isaac’s arm. No matter what was going on, being close to Isaac felt like home for her. They walked into the room with the casket. The air in the room suddenly got thick, which made her want to get out of there. A part of her told her to stay, so she went with Isaac and his family to take their seat at the front of the row of chairs. She couldn’t see in to the casket from where she was sitting, but she couldn’t take her eyes off it. The funeral director stepped up to the podium.

  “Now that the family is here, I will begin the proceedings,” he said as everyone got to their seats and the room fell silent. “We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Hana Leiko Takahashi Walsch.” The crowd laughed at the way he said her maiden name. “Sorry. I practiced, but I still didn’t get it right,” he said to the Walsch family. They just said it was okay, so he went on. “She was the type of woman who could light up the room with just a look. She was very proud of her family and was very happy that her son married his wife. There was never a time when I saw her that she didn’t mention her daughter-in-law or her step-granddaughters. It was only a week or so ago when I saw her last. She had to tell me that her daughter-in-law was about to have another book come out. She was very proud. I will now lend the podium to her husband, who wanted to say a few words for his wife. Jack Walsch?” Carrie looked up at Isaac who was smiling to himself. Carrie wondered just what her relationship was with his mother if she was that proud of her. She looked up to see Jack looking down at his wife with a tissue against his mouth. He looked close to tears but was trying his best not to let them out. He lowered he hand down and walked to the podium.

  “I loved my wife. As you all know, I had a wonderful life with her.” It seemed like he was rambling, so he paused and cleared his throat. “She wouldn’t want us to stand here and cry for her. She would want you to laugh. Not at her, of course, but with her. It is a shame that she has been taken, but she would have said…” He trailed off, trying to suppress a sob. He took a deep breath. “She would say that this was what was in the cards for her.” He sobbed for a moment and straightened. “I wish it wasn’t this way, but it happened, and she would have been okay with that.” When he couldn’t go on, he walked back to his chair and the director walked back to the podium.

  “Now, I turn the podium over to Hana’s oldest son, Isaac Walsch.” Isaac stepped up and looked down to his mother. He stroked her cheek with the back of his hand before he walked over to the podium.

  “My mother was a wonderful person. She loved all who came into her path. She was always proud of what I was doing, except when I got in trouble at school.” The crowd laughed. “I’m still sorry, Dad,” he said.

  “Oh, you have been forgiven,” Jack said, and Isaac went on with his speech.

  “I remember the day I wanted to ask my wife to marry me. It was a last-minute decision, but I called my mom and said, ‘Mom, I want to marry Carrie.’ She said, ‘Well, it’s about time; I love that girl. Just do it already.’ That was my mom. She knew things others didn’t, and I was so happy that she wanted me to marry Carrie. I found out later, at my wedding, that she was teaching my wife and my daughters her language. My mother was proud of us all. She especially loved my daughters. She was very protective of them. I will not remember my mother as she is today, but I will remember her laughter and her smile, her words of encouragement and her don’t hold a grudge attitude. I hope that someday she could look down at us and smile for the people that she had shaped into her family.” He left the podium and sat next to Carrie, putting his hand on her leg. She put her arm around him and kissed him on the cheek. The director came back to the podium.

  “I now turn the podium to the other son, Samuel Walsch.” Sam got up and walked to the podium. He glanced at his mother but didn’t go close.

  “I haven’t been a good son. I was the rebellious one. I was living in my older brother’s shadow. At school, I always heard, ‘Why can’t you be more like your brother, Isaac? Now there is a good boy.’ I even heard that from my father from time to time.” He paused and look toward his father, who just nodded once. “But my mother never made me feel like I was second place. She was always telling me that I was my own person and that I should do what it was that I want to do. I could always talk to my mother no matter what. I’m going to miss her. I always felt acceptance from her, and now I have lost my best friend. I will remember her and the way she would hold me and stroke my hair when I was having a bad day. I lost my mother, but she will always be with me. Thank you,” Sam said and took his seat. The director walked back to the podium.

  “Now Hana’s daughter would like to say a few words, Leiko Walsch,” he said. She stood and flowed to the casket and peered down at her mother. She sighed and went the podium.

  “My mother wasn’t like other mothers. She was cool, and she would teach us good habits, like not judging a person by how they look. She always told me that everyone has feelings and not to hurt anyone for any reason. She taught me how to be a woman, and she also said that I need to be nice to everyone. She was the one who held on to the leash of my flighty ways, and now there isn’t anyone to anchor me down. I bet she will still be there somewhere, holding on to my leash, making sure that I don’t float away.” She put her hand over her heart and bowed her head then raised it and looked at each face in her family. “Mother, I ask you to stay with us. Watch over Dad and make sure he’s well. Watch over Isaac and guide him in all that he does. Give him the courage to stand on stage and sing. Please be there for Sam. He was the closest to you. Please, please, hold on to my leash.” She looked at Carrie and then to the girls. “Mother, I also ask that you help Carrie regain her memory. We need her, as she is now the glue to our sanity. Well, I need her. She is the closes
t thing I have to a sister, and I need her. Please continue to protect Sabrina and Sierra. They need your encouragement. They need you to guide them down the path of life. Don’t leave us now, Mom, when we need you the most.” Lee Lee wiped her face and took her seat next to Carrie. Carrie leaned over and wrapped her arms around her.

  “If I never remember anything of my past, I promise that I will hold your leash when she can’t,” Carrie whispered in her ear. Lee Lee smiled and kissed her on the cheek to thank her. Carrie resumed her position, leaning into Isaac when the director returned to the podium.

  “Let’s pray.” He waited for a moment then began to pray. “Dear heavenly Father, we ask today that you guide Hana safely into your keepings. Help with her adjustment to her new life. God, I also ask that you watch over her family, as their need is great. Please send your love and warmth and give happiness back to this family in need. Watch over each one of them, as they are your children. Be with Jack to help him through this sorrowful time in life. Love them for who they are. In Jesus’s name, amen.” He gave a moment of silence then spoke again. “Now, as there will not be a burial today, I will ask that each one of you would come up to say your farewells, starting with the back and ending with the family. You may stay if you would like to give your regards to the family. There will be a wake after the funeral at the Sea Cave Inn from two to four, and you’re all invited to share with the family.”

  Carrie looked around as the back row got up and started to form a line to the casket. Carrie noted where her bodyguards were. Sasha and Seth were standing to the left of her, and Chuck was standing to the right, but all the way on the other side of the room. She looked over at Isaac’s face. His head was bowed, and he was staring at his hands. Carrie placed her hand in his and put her other arm around him. She leaned into him, placing her head on his shoulder. She was feeling ill herself, but not sick kind of ill, more guilty. Although she couldn’t remember anything that had happened, she wished she had done more. If she had, maybe Hana would be home where she should be, not lying in a casket with everyone saying good-bye.

  “I’m sorry. I wish I had done more to protect her,” she said into his neck.

  “Carrie, you did what you could. If you had…” He trailed off to shift himself to look at her more face on. He gritted his teeth. “You would be the one in that casket. She wouldn’t have wanted it to be you in there.” He was going to say, “And you know it,” but she wouldn’t.

  “I can’t help feeling ill about it. I’m guilty of something,” she said, shaking her head.

  “You are not guilty of anything. You had courage to do what you did. I couldn’t—no, I wouldn’t live if it was you in that casket. I wouldn’t.” He was serious, but she couldn’t help but smile at his reprimand. It made her happy, the way he was so determined not to lose her. She didn’t want be in that casket, but she did want to know why she felt the way she did.

  Soon, it was time for the family to say good-bye. They lined up behind their father. Jack leaned into the coffin and took her hand. He whispered to her, “Hana, I will do my best to mourn the happy times, but it won’t be easy. I will miss you so much. There will never be anyone other than you in my life.” He pulled her hand up and turned it over. He kissed the exact center of her palm, and he closed her fingers. As Carrie watched, she couldn’t see her mother-in-law’s body, but she saw what he did to her hand. Isaac did that for her, she remembered. She tightened her grip on Isaac’s arm.

  “Hold that to your heart and remember me when you feel lonely,” Jack said, replacing her closed fist to rest over her heart. “Until we are together again, Aishite imasu. I will love you for the rest of my days here without you.” He stood up and stepped aside for Sam to say good-bye to his mother.

  “Aishite imasu, Mother. Forever, I will miss you,” Sam said and stepped away. Carrie noticed that he wasn’t very good with good-byes, and she couldn’t blame him. If she could only remember, maybe she would be able to say good-bye. Now Lee Lee stood at the casket.

  “Mother, I will always think of you as you were. Aishite imasu, forever and always.” She blew her a kiss and stepped aside. Sabrina and Sierra went to the casket. At first, Carrie wanted to stop them but retracted her protest and let them say good-bye.

  “Good-bye, Obaasan. We wish that we had more time with you,” Sabrina said, bringing her hand to her mouth to stop a sob.

  “But we will remember you for what you have taught us,” Sierra said. Both girls were crying, their eyes red.

  “Aishite imasu, forever. We will miss you,” the girls said at the same time and stepped aside for Isaac. Isaac stepped forward, and Carrie didn’t move. He turned back and looked at her.

  “You need a private moment with her,” she said, shaking her head. She didn’t want to get closer. Her throat was closing. She just wanted to run. She didn’t want to see what she couldn’t prevent, what she wished she could have prevented. Isaac turned and went to the casket.

  “Mother, Aishite imasu. I will miss you. I hope you come and see me perform. I will look out and see you sitting in the audience. Forever, Mom, forever.” Isaac stepped back to allow Carrie to step up. They all looked at her. She put both hands up and waved them.

  “I can’t. I don’t know her,” she said.

  “You don’t remember her, but you know her. She loved you like you were her own. You need to say good-bye, sweetheart. You will regret it if you don’t. I’ll be right here if you need me,” Isaac said with his hand out to her. She took it and stepped close to the casket.

  Chapter 26

  Carrie closed her eyes as she stepped forward. She squeezed them so tight that she saw stars behind her eyelids. She reached out with her free hand and grabbed the casket. She took her other hand out of Isaac’s hand and placed that one on the casket as well. Her legs wanted to go out; she had to hold herself up using the casket to lean on.

  Carrie opened her eyes slowly, and as her eyes came into focus, she stared down at Hana’s hand that was still placed over her stomach. She had to force herself to shift her gaze up. She saw the hand that Jack had placed over her heart. She had to go farther to look at Hana’s face. She wanted to throw up. She was so ill that she wanted to run, but her body didn’t allow her to move. She was having problems breathing. When she realized that she wasn’t breathing. She had to force herself to start breathing.

  When she finally found Hana’s face, everything seemed to stand still. She couldn’t do anything but stare at Hana’s face. She had a strong urge to touch her. Her mouth fell open, and she lifted her hand. It was like slow motion when she lowered her hand slowly toward Hana’s hand that was placed on her stomach. It seemed to take forever for her hand to go down, but she never took her eyes off Hana’s face, not for a second. There were only the two of them in that room, just Hana and Carrie; everything else seemed to drift away.

  When Carrie’s hand finally settled over Hana’s hand, she felt an electric surge go up her arm, and then it hit her. A powerful push hit her; her head went back, everything about her life flashed in front of her eyes. Everything from her mother smiling as she did her hair as a child, to the first time she saw Jacob when they were five years old, to when she found out that she was pregnant. She saw the birth of her daughters. She saw the night when Jacob died. She saw her daughter’s first steps, experienced the girls’ first words. The memory of when she became a published writer, then making that movie. As the memories came, it seemed to slow down from when she meet Isaac to when he asked her marry him. She saw the wedding and the girls asking Isaac to adopt them. She saw everything about her life all the way up to that moment.

  Isaac watched Carrie as she placed her hand over his mother’s hand. He watched in horror as her head fell back on her shoulders. She was shaking, and he tried to grab her but saw blood was coming out of her eyes, nose, and ears. She was shaking, and when whatever it was that was holding her, let her go, she fell forward and hit her head on the side of the casket, leaving a blood smear behind. He saw he
r head fly back as she bounced off the casket. Her eyes were wide open as he grabbed her, and she was still shaking. He laid her on the floor. Her eyes went back in her head, and she seized.

  “Oh my God, she’s having a seizure! Someone call 911! Hurry!” Isaac held onto Carrie with everything that he had in him. He took his phone out of his pocket and threw it to whoever was near. Lee Lee picked up the phone. “Lee Lee, call Chrissie.” Lee Lee nodded. She was shaking with fright as she went through the contacts to find Chrissie’s name. Isaac held onto his wife’s body as she continued to shake.

  As Carrie lay on the floor, she felt someone grab her hand and pull her up. She looked up to see who was holding her hand. She stared up to the face that she loved; it was Hana. “Mom,” she said. Her voice wasn’t quite right. It was distorted.

  “Hush now, child,” Hana said with her finger up to her lips. Carrie looked down at her hand. It was slightly transparent. She looked around, and she saw her husband holding on to her body as her body was shaking.

  “What’s going on?” This time her voice was perfect, and as she looked down at her hand and it was solid.

  “I gave you back your memory,” Hana said with a smile on her face. “I couldn’t stand it anymore, the pain in your eyes and on my son’s face, so I fixed it,” she said, casually shrugging her shoulders.

  “Oh, Mom,” she said, running toward Hana. Carrie grabbed the dress Hana was wearing and begged for forgiveness. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get him away. I tried, but he was so strong. He came after me again—” Hana put her hand up to stop her.

  “I don’t blame you. I know you did everything you could. You nearly died. I couldn’t let that happen. Isaac would not be happy without you. Nothing bad happened to me; he just held me for a while. Then he put me in the park, and then I died. It is what was meant to happen. It was in the cards.” Carrie stood back up.