Saving Ruth

by Zoe Fishman

  “Listen, I know I’ve screwed up. Obviously, I didn’t handle this right. I get that. And that’s part of the reason for the lies, I guess. Rather than face you, I thought it would be easier to play it off until I had a better plan. I just couldn’t deal with anything. I’m still having a hard time.”

  “So why even come home at all this summer?” asked Mom.

  “I love coaching. I really do. It was the only thing that I had looked forward to in a long time. Who knows why? At any rate, my plan was to come home and regroup and tell you as soon as I got a better handle on things.” He glanced at me. “But then I saw Ruth, and how she was doing, and I put it off.”

  “What does that mean?” I asked.

  “Ruth, you’re a skeleton. Mom and Dad are crazy worried about you. I just figured my situation on top of yours was too much for them.”

  “Oh, so now it’s my fault! Fuck you, David. Don’t pin this on me.”

  “What? It’s true.”

  I looked at my parents. They stared back sadly.

  “What your mother and I can or can’t handle is not your problem,” said my dad slowly. “And by the way, we can handle a lot more than you think we can. We’re our own people outside of just being your parents. Our own histories, our own screwups, our own reserves of strength.”

  “He’s right,” agreed Mom. “You’ve both underestimated us. Of course we worry, that’s what parents do, but we also are fully aware that you two are very close to being adults now. Or so we thought, at least.” She sighed. “It’s been very hard for us to relinquish control, but we really tried this year. And look what happens—David is a college dropout, and Ruth eats lettuce for breakfast. I mean, Jesus.”

  “I didn’t drop out!” yelled David. “There’s a difference.” We sat in silence as shadows darkened the room.

  “I think it’s really unfair that you are dragging me into this, David,” I said finally.

  “Ruth, I love how you seem to think that your issues are invisible. If anything, mine are the ones that are easily concealed.”

  “Yeah, literally,” I said.

  “Yours are on display for everyone to see, and still, if anyone brings it up, you act as though you’re being persecuted. That’s what I don’t get about eating disorders. It’s like, what the hell do you expect? Your appearance alone begs for help, but God forbid somebody offers it. You freak out, like anyone trying to help is the one who’s nuts.”

  “So let me get this straight—you’re gonna tell me how to deal with the world when you’ve been hiding in a bong chamber for months?”

  “All right, let’s just get it all out there,” said Dad. “Ruth, do you know that you have a problem? Do you know that what you seem to see in the mirror is not what everybody else sees?” I was crying now.

  “You don’t understand,” I sobbed.

  “What? What don’t we understand?” asked Mom gently.

  “I don’t want to live like this either, but I also don’t know how to stop. I like looking like this.”

  David moved his chair closer to mine and put his arm around me. “I’m scared too, Ruth.”

  “We love you both so much.” Mom was crying too. She and Dad held hands.

  “Dad, how come you sleep in your office?” I asked abruptly.

  “What?” he asked, confused by the change of topic.

  “You sleep in your office.” I wiped my cheeks. “Are you guys okay?”

  “Oh, honey, of course we’re okay,” answered Mom. “We’ve been married almost thirty years is all. Sometimes you want to sleep alone. It’s not a big deal.”

  “Marjorie, that’s not true. If we expect these kids to be honest with us, we have to be honest as well,” said Dad.

  “What?” David and I asked together.

  “Are you getting a divorce?” I warbled.

  “No, no. Not a divorce. But this year has been difficult for us, with both of you out of the house. We’re working on it.”

  “How?” asked David.

  “We just are. Don’t worry yourself with how,” said Dad.

  “Maybe you guys should look into therapy your own selves,” I offered.

  “You’re probably right. And we’re thinking about it,” said Mom. “We love each other, but we’re in a rut.”

  “We’re all our own people, but we’re also a family,” said Dad. “And don’t forget that your mom and I have two very distinct and integral roles to play within this family: parent and spouse. You handle it a certain way for eighteen years, and then your kids leave. Suddenly the old system is obsolete. It’s not easy.” Mom nodded as she squeezed his hand.

  “I guess I never thought about it like that,” I said.

  “Of course you didn’t, Ruthala. You’re nineteen.” She gave me a small smile. “We try not to hold it against you. Honey, I feel like I’ve been enabling you, and I’m sorry for that. I was afraid that if I yelled at you about your eating, you would retreat completely. And then I’d feel distance from both of my kids,” she explained through her tears. “And I need you. I love you both so much.”

  I stood up and walked around to hug her. She was so warm and compact in my arms. “I love you too, Mom.”

  “Sit,” she said, pointing to her lap.

  “I don’t want to crush you.” She looked at me with disbelief. I sat.

  “David, do you have any sort of a plan for the future?” asked Dad.

  “I’m not really sure what’s next for me,” said David. “I know I’m not ready to go back to school yet. I’d like to stay here for the fall, get a job, maybe take a few art classes at Tech. I’ll pay for everything.”

  “Where do you plan on living?” asked Dad.

  “Well, here—if I could. I’d pay rent and stuff.”

  “You don’t have to pay rent, David. But you do need to start speaking to someone about your depression. Deal?”

  “But I’ve really made some progress this summer on my own. I’m not sure I need to—”

  “Is it a deal or not?” Dad interrupted.

  “Only if you guys promise to go too. All of you.”

  “We promise,” said Mom, glancing at Dad. He nodded.

  “Ruth, what about you?” asked Mom.

  “I dunno,” I answered. “I only have like, a month and a half left here. Wouldn’t it be silly to start seeing someone now?”

  “No, not at all, honey. A month and a half is a month and a half. We’ll make some calls this week, okay? And we’ll find someone for you to talk to in Ann Arbor.” I locked eyes with David, and he gave me a small smile.

  “Okay,” I mumbled.

  Dad got up with a sigh. “I need a glass of something. Anyone want anything?” He made his way to the kitchen, walking around my now-empty chair. David looked up at him, and suddenly, he was in Dad’s arms.

  “Hey, hey,” said Dad softly. “We’re gonna be okay. We are.”

  There they were—the two men in my life who had always been and would always be part of it. The Tonys and even the Chrises of the world seemed very small in comparison. Mom and I stood up and entered their hug together.

  26

  “Coach Ruth, do you need help putting the kickboards away?” asked a sopping wet Ali. Swim practice had just ended, and I was gathering their discarded props.

  “No thanks, dolly. I can handle it.”

  “Okay, see ya later.” She ran off, and I picked up a stack of the blue foam boards. As I walked to the storage closet, I glanced at the tarp billowing around David’s mural. I considered it idly. I had promised not to look—not until he was ready.

  “Ruth?” I wedged the last board into the shelf and looked up to find him looming in the doorway.

  “Hey, David.”

  “That girl is here,” he whispered.

  “What girl?”

  “Tanisha.
”

  “Oh good. I’m going to need the first lane. I hope that’s okay.” I walked by him, and he grabbed my arm.

  “What are you talking about? What’s she doing here?”

  “I’m giving her swim lessons,” I answered matter-of-factly.

  “You’re what? Why?”

  “Because I want to. Is there a problem?”

  “Does Jason know about this? Or the board?”

  “Cynthia knows.” I looked him in the eye.

  “And you didn’t ask me about it? Didn’t you think I would mind?”

  “Why do you mind? What’s the big deal? She needs to learn how to swim, and I thought it would be nice to teach her, all things considered.” I looked down at his hand, which was still grasping my forearm. “You can let go of me now.”

  “Ruth, I thought this was behind us.”

  “Yeah, it’s behind us, but it’s not behind her. I didn’t want her to be scared of the water for the rest of her life. I don’t see what the problem is.”

  “I just thought this whole thing was over, I guess.”

  “Well, it’s not.” I left him by the doorway and strode toward Tanisha, who was holding Mary’s hand by the snack bar.

  “Hi,” I greeted them, as warmly as I could. “Thanks for coming.” Mary’s eyes darted around nervously.

  “You sure this is okay?” she asked.

  “Positive.” I knelt down to Tanisha’s eye level. Her brown eyes regarded me coolly. “If it’s okay with you, that is.” She looked up at Mary.

  “It’s okay, baby girl. Sorry, Mama’s just nervous. That’s a whole lot of water.” She let go of her hand. “I’ma be right here watchin’ you.”

  “And I’m going to be holding you the whole time, Tanisha. My name is Ruth.”

  “I know,” she replied. “I remember.”

  “Come on, let’s go swim,” I said, standing up. She looked up at Mary one last time for reassurance and took my hand.

  “Do you remember this place?” I asked as we walked by David’s group. Derrick whispered something to Julie, and she punched him in the arm.

  “Yeah,” she whispered. David still lurked in the doorway to the storage room. I chose to ignore him.

  “Okay, let’s get in the pool together.” I put my feet on the first step of the shallow end, but Tanisha’s hand pulled me back. She was shivering.

  “Hey, you okay?” She shook her head, and the barrettes on the ends of her braids click-clacked together. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t wanna. I just thought it would be fun. Here, sit with me on the edge.” I took a seat, and she followed reluctantly.

  “What are they doin’?” she asked. David’s kids were in the water, freestyling down their lanes.

  “That’s the swim team. They come here every morning to practice.” She watched for a minute.

  “Are you on the swim team?” she asked.

  “No, I used to be. Now I coach kids your age.”

  “You do?”

  “Yep.” Her brown toes flitted through the water like minnows, leaving bubbles in their wake.

  “You know how to kick?” I asked.

  “Yeah.” She demonstrated for me, and the water splashed onto our knees.

  “That’s so good! I bet you’ll be a great swimmer.”

  “I almost drownded,” she said solemnly.

  “I know.”

  “You saved me.”

  “Well, I got you out of the water and onto dry land,” I answered, feeling slightly embarrassed for some reason. “Was—was it scary?”

  “Well, at first I didn’t know what was happenin’. And then, when I tried to breathe, I got scairt. Water filled up my nose.”

  “You know, I can teach you how to breathe in the water. It’s not hard.”

  “You can?”

  “Yes, ma’am. And how to kick and move your arms. Like them.” She followed my gaze back to the swim team. “You won’t have to be scared of falling in anymore.”

  “Okay,” she said.

  “You ready? I promise not to let go.” I took the steps down and held my arms out for her. She looked one last time at Mary, who made a go on! gesture with her hand. Tanisha reached out, and I pulled her through the water to me. She weighed as much as a feather. “You’ve got me,” I said gently. “I’m not going anywhere.” She relaxed her grip. “What does the water feel like?”

  “Good,” she answered.

  “It does, right?” She nodded. “Let’s just float around for a bit together and get a feel for it. Is that okay with you?” I pulled her around the shallow end as she slowly relaxed her grip on my forearms.

  “You ready to try to put your face in the water?” I asked. She shook her head fiercely.

  “No, ma’am.”

  “Okay, maybe we can try hanging onto the wall and kicking. Does that sound good?” She nodded.

  “This is fun!” she exclaimed in excitement, as we kicked with abandon.

  “It is fun!” I agreed. We smiled at each other as our heads bobbed back and forth with the rhythm of our legs. “You want to try the kickboard?”

  “What’s that?”

  “It’s the same as this, except I’ll hold on to one end and you’ll hold the other. You’ll kick your legs just like this, but instead we’ll be moving down the lane.”

  “Together?” she asked cautiously.

  “Absolutely.”

  “You won’t let go?”

  “Nope.”

  “Okay,” she agreed. I reached for the kickboard I had left out, only to find it gone. Crap.

  “Here.” I looked up to find David handing me one.

  “Hey, thanks. How’d you kno—”

  “What, it’s a small pool? I have eyes.” Tanisha eyed him quizzically.

  “Hello. I’m David.”

  “I’m Tanisha. I remember you.” He cringed a little, as did I. How did she remember him? As the guy who let her drown?

  “You were at the hospital,” she explained.

  “Yes, I was.” He shuffled his feet anxiously. “Well, nice to see you again. I’m glad you’re here.” She giggled, and I gave him a half-smile.

  When we were finished with the lesson, I walked her back to Mary, who hugged her tightly. “Did you have fun, Miss T?” she asked.

  “I did! It was fun! I was kicking.”

  “I saw that, girl. You were kickin’ like nobody’s business!” Tanisha laughed.

  “Miss Ruth, can we do this again?”

  “What do we say, Tanisha?”

  “Please?”

  “Sure we can. How about tomorrow?” I looked to Mary for the verdict.

  “Same place, same time?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Sounds good. We’ll see you tomorrow, Miss Ruth. Tanisha, you got somethin’ else to say?”

  “Thank you, Miss Ruth!” She hugged me.

  “You’re very welcome, Tanisha. See you tomorrow.” As they left, I heard the distinct honk of M.K.’s car. It was my day off, and we were headed to the beach. I ran out from under the snack bar area to wave to her and gathered my things.

  “You look happy,” said David, appearing suddenly.

  “I really am. I think this was a good idea.”

  “Yeah, me too. Sorry I was a dick earlier. It just kind of threw me off.”

  “S’okay.” I grabbed my bag and shoved my feet into my flip-flops. “See ya later.” I ran up the hill.

  “Hey, girl,” greeted M.K. as I hopped in. “You ready for the beach?”

  “So ready.”

  We backed out of the parking lot. “Oh man, it has been a helluva week,” I announced.

  “Really? Do tell. Everything with me is super boring. Except me and Dwight got back together.” She took her hands off the wheel an
d did a little raise the roof dance.

  “Oh man. How long before the next breakup?”

  “Just till we get bored again. Prolly like two months or somethin’.”

  “You guys are so weird.”

  “ ‘You guys,’ ” she mocked.

  “Where’s Jill?”

  “We’re fixin’ to pick ’er up! Hold your damn horses. Tell me about your week.”

  “If I tell you now, I’ll just have to repeat it once she’s here.”

  “True.” She offered me a cigarette as we pulled into Jill’s driveway.

  “Yo,” greeted Jill as she flopped into the car.

  “Wow, Jill, lotion much?” asked M.K.

  “What? Malik loves the way I smell.” She flicked M.K. on the back of her head with neon pink nails.

  “You smell like one of those paper air fresheners that people hang from their rearview mirrors.”

  “Very funny,” replied Jill. She stretched out lazily, propping her gleaming legs onto the seat beside her.

  “How ya been, Jilly?” I asked.

  “Same ole. Malik is leaving me next week.” She made an exaggerated pout.

  “Football?” asked M.K.

  “Yeah. Hey, how’s Chris?”

  “He’s really good.”

  “Really good, ay? Spill it.”

  “Spill what?”

  “Wass, quit playin’ coy!” yelled M.K.

  “Fine.” I laughed. “I like him, okay? We have fun hanging out together.”

  “Is he better than you thought he would be? Like, as a person?”

  “I guess. I only really knew him as David’s friend before.”

  “Yeah.”

  “He’s smarter than I thought. And sweeter.” I pressed my thighs together, remembering the last time I’d seen him.

  “Well, that’s good. What are y’all gonna do about school?” asked Jill.

  “Oh, we don’t know.”

  “Whaddya mean, ya don’t know?” asked M.K.

  “We both decided to just try to see how it all unfolds. I mean, the chances of this enduring anything long distance are pretty slim, but we like hanging out now, so—”

  “Excuse me, where is Ruth Wasserman, and what have you done with my friend?” interrupted Jill. “The Ruth I know used to plan her school outfits for the week on Sunday afternoon. Suddenly you’re happy with just sitting back and letting things unfold?”