Alive In Shadow: Living with dyslexia; an inspirational story

by Shishir Paudel

  My father slapped me again but this time I didn’t feel a thing because the slap that I got years ago was still tingling over my cheeks making it numb and senseless.

  Dr. J took the control of the situation and saved me from my father’s rage. He decided to take me with him.

  At that time I was truly a spoiled child like everyone used to presume –not because of excessive love but due to an unknown loneliness.

  Chagrin

  Once again fate separated me from my parents at the age of eleven, but this time I was happy from that separation. I was going somewhere far to a place where there will be no segment of my past –place where no one would know what I have been through and no one will laugh upon me.

  It was like a new morning –new hope –things will change and my life will be graceful. I thought– "god is being merciful and he is watching for me." Now it was the opportunity for me to start over again. I prayed to him, asked him to be gracious and accommodating.

  I thought– "now there will be a morning where sun will finally rise for me and its light will take all the darkness away from my life, healing all wounds of time –once and forever." I thought– "I have left my past behind and now I can refine my present and be the one that I always dreamed of." The curse of dyslexia was moving along with me like a shadow but I desired to prevail it.

  ***

  It was the first day of school; I was just back from the director’s room visiting Dr. J , the founder.

  Standing at the classroom door feeling uneasy and odd –I was nervous remembering the past and hoping for a fresh new beginning.

  Timi naya ho(Are you new)?? – A girl’s voice came from behind. It was a sweet one.

  But I didn’t turn back as I was just so nervous in that atmosphere. I said nothing –just took a corner seat quietly.

  It was hard for me to interact and connect with people; I had a fear around them because all that time I was violated by them. At that time I didn’t know what I should do or say. I just went quietly in the corner seat that day.

  Next day, she came to me and said “Hi...Friends?", Raising her right hand towards me, she was looking at me –her eyes were so graceful.

  She was the first one who ever raised the hand of friendship towards me. I was just wordless –quietly looking at her and her hand.

  “Sohan”– she called me, “Friends??”

  “Yes” – I nodded.

  She introduced me with her friends and even after lacking the interaction skill I made few friends that time. With the changing environment, I was developing myself in many extents. My rage was in control and my study was going well and I was happy and thankful to the god for giving me what I desired for –all my childhood.

  I started being fond of her; the first crush that I had in my life was with her voice and the sweet smile –smile that used to create a friendly milieu around her. She was kind and supportive. Her name was Anamika.

  I was happy when Anamika was around, and in some extent I made her my motivation to progress. I wanted to get better and better with her –for her. It’s not like I was in love with her but it was the attachment I felt to a person who was polite with me for the first time in my life.

  I wanted to be around her as much as I could. But I was bound to stop myself because she was in a happy relationship. Every time an unknown sadness used to surround me knowing how happy she was with her boyfriend.

  I was happy and delighted with the life I was getting but my happiness didn’t last for long. God was surely having problem on tolerating my happiness, surely he was missing the fun of me being troubled. So, he transferred two of my classmates from my past to join me.

  My past was again there in front of me, laughing and mocking at my face.

  The jingle of my past was spread all over the school again like a hurricane of rumor –and everything was just like the old days, the tenebrous tide was back in my life. I was back again on my knees and the happiness that I got form all those times were shattered into fraction with the fraction of time.

  My tale went popular from school to neighborhood and from students to teachers. People used to pass by –asking if all of the chronicles were true. I was breaking again –from all the razing curiosity of people, from all the jokes and giggles. There was nothing I could do except hearing them all, keeping my head down and crying secretly.

  I was the clown again as I was before in another place in another time, but still it was the same. Every day I was tormented, mortified and terrorized. Friends that I thought I had made turned their back on me and many joined the others and started laughing at me like I was never their friend. I was surrounded by people but that crowd used to make me feel more alone than I ever was before.

  I was frustrated looking my illustration on other’s eyes. I was exhausted of having the nightmares, relating my past and present. My anger was in outbreak as my emotions were cracked. I was unstable, sentimental, broken and aggressive –this combination of my nature got me into many fights and quarrels. Violence was on my blood and my temper was unpredictable. Lost –I used to do some impulsive things when I got angry and people used to note them out.

  ***

  One evening…I was returning from school. One kid from neighborhood mocked me, triggering my anger; I got blinded –I dropping all my frustration over him. That day I banged a six years old kid severely until he was wounded.

  After that incident people started calling me as a person who has lost his mind. I became mad lad for them.

  ‘Half mind, the psycho polish man’ was the rumor for all as a wildfire. They started to torture me more, and many intentionally humiliated me just to seek my temper and watch me get mad losing my wit in anger –predicting what I will do next.

  Dr. J got into lot of trouble because of me but he was determined to his will.

  People started blaming me for everything that goes wrong. I was accused to be a thief, to be a psycho –mentally retarded person. Rumors started to spread and all of the rumors were alleged to be true as they were told by my close ones.

  Many weird things started to occur. At the time of examination my books went disappearing, my stuffs started to go missing. I didn’t know who was doing this as everyone seemed innocent and to blame someone without any evidence was completely wrong. But things got worse as the disappearance of book and notes continued and I failed an exam because I was not prepared.

  I didn’t know what the truth was, I didn’t know if there was anyone to blame on, if anyone was truly guilty. My friends, my kin, all those people– Were they innocent? Was all of it nothing but just my perception? Was I over reacting? I didn’t know...

  Sometimes I think maybe all those events that occurred were due to my misconception, all were innocent and no one was there to be blamed on.

  When I was far from home in boarding school I went through lot of maltreatments and maybe that’s why past was making me feel that way as I was depressed about my past coming alive at that moment.

  The truth about that time is still a mystery but…Dr. J was tired of all the conflict and misunderstanding flourishing in his family and neighborhood. He had heard a lot from others because of me and he was dishonored in much extent. I become a reason for his problems and somewhere it was questioning his prestige in front of the society. On the other hand I was getting severely ill as my health was declining day after day. There was an unknown ache inside my chest. I was embraced by the migraine headache.

  It was better for me to leave and get back to my home –least there was tiny-jiffy harmony. My parents took me back when I was of fourteen.

  Enormous Elation

  Passing through the different phases of life, going through different circumstances, I rejoined my family at the age of fourteen. There were lots of changes going around –I was evolving physically, mentally and a lot emotionally. I was escalating my own individuality, which was even hard for me to understand.

  Those two years of time that I spent at Dr. J ’s were not as I presum
ed they would be –situation went rougher, but still, that fraction of time helped me evolve into a better one. The curse of dyslexia was still in existence but in some way I was able to appreciate –to deal with it.

  But I was deserted from inside, from my past and loneliness –it was what I could never change and to run from it was the only way I was seeing through. I was emotionally scattered –perplexed, distressed and tempered.

  I got into a new school where finally I was liberated from my past. I was free from the humiliation, discomfort and discouragement. That was the opportunity given by time for me, to improve myself– exploring my abilities, which I had not been able to do in past.

  First day at the new school everything felt innovative.

  Strangers all to me….stranger me to all...

  Quiet and tempered, I had just returned from Dr. J ’s dwelling taking lots of anger and madness along.

  It was not that easy to forget all that there were until that time –all those childhood memories, those moments of shame, failure and disappointment –all those punishments, tortures and harassments. They were all alive on core and I used to recall them –live them time and again as nightmare. Maybe that was burning me from inside, maybe that was the reason –I was depressed and mad in many senses. I was silent, alone and angry.

  I entered the classroom hall –placed my bag at the corner of the empty bench then I went out to take the view of new ambiance. When I returned –that seat was occupied. “That’s my place, I reserved a while ago”

  “I am seating here from the starting month, go crash somewhere else, it’s taken” –He argued

  “I don’t care about where you were parking your bum before… today I was first so for today…” It was the first day of school and I didn’t want to set a quitting impression.

  “It’s not your father’s property, is it?” –he mocked.

  That triggered my rage; I pulled him out of the bench and banged in his face. With the first blow of punch, his spectacle got smashed on floor and lens wrecked into pieces. Then the next hit came from his side –in a matter of second our first visit turned the classroom into arena.

  Day was about to end and our classes were to be over –I was guilty over my brutal hysterical action, I demonstrated hours ago. I was short tempered but I didn’t do anything intentionally.

  After everyone went home –I went to the classroom and picked the smashed spectacles frame along with the lens and took them for repairing. Replacing the new lens in place of cracked, wrecked one –I returned him his spectacle along with the hand of friendship.

  Eventually, he was also feeling the same way.

  He took me to his home for dinner that night. That’s how our friendship got started –from the untamed fight in the first encounter, we turned out to be such friends that were unpredictably bounded –friends that were truly said to be forever.

  His name was Sabin....

  Sabin was not just a friend for me; he became my brother, my companion. He helped me grow in many ways –unknowingly. He was there for me when I was all alone in the darkness of my ego and rage. He supported me and guided me in many ways undefined.

  The blood relation is not just the strong one, relations that are made by the emotions are the strongest’ –that’s what I realized when he came into my life.

  ***

  It was usual Sunday. Sun was hotter and everything was boring –dehydrated was all. Sabin said there’s a place he wants to show me. He forced me to ride with him –making me park myself at the back of his old bicycle. He started peddling.

  He peddled for about an hour, stopping at a game house. I remembered, I told him once –“I have never been to game house, wander what it feels like to be surrounded with cool games” –and there I was, surrounded by the PlayStations and thrilled players all around.

  “What does it feel like Sohan?” he shouted making his voice louder than that of gamers.

  Thunderstruck–I just watched, without getting my eye off the screen, without a blink.

  “Hey! It’s your controller” –Sabin passed the joystick and…the fun begins.

  I got addicted to that place, to that surrounding, and the game. In holidays it became our destination and I used to make him stay there as long as possible. That place brought the child out of me –child that never got to enjoy in his childhood, that way.

  That day while returning back from the game house, Sabin was peddling his cycle –all of the sudden he hit the brake. “You don’t know how to ride a bicycle, do you?” he asked suddenly.

  “No, it’s not like I don’t know, I just don’t ride much.”

  “Really…oh, then ride it now” –getting off he turned the handle.

  I took the handle and I tried riding. But the truth was, I didn’t know how to balance. In every try I failed.

  “That’s it; I have never seen such a fine rider in my entire life. You’re amazing” – he mocked.

  “Cut it off” – we both smiled.

  “Will you teach me” – I requested softly.

  “Sit” –he said.

  Without any objection he became my mentor for few days. I wished my father would teach me how to ride but he was busy on his job and criticizing over different things –I never spoke to him about cycling.

  In every off day we started hastening at the game house –cycling. Many memorable incidents were created while cycling on those rough roads.

  I remember, once we were on our way to the game house, I was sitting behind –parking at the frame of the cycle. He was catching up speed, vigorously. Seeing a speed controller ahead of the road, he pressed the brake –suddenly. As he pressed the brake –I crashed from the back of the ride to the road –rolling. Meanwhile being unknown to the incident that just occurred, he pressurized my arms by riding over me.

  He stopped at a distance and looked back at me –for a second he was puzzled about the episode but as soon he realized –he laughed uncontrollably.

  Laughing –madly at the rough road he lost his balance and collapsed on the road from his cycle. He cracked out louder.

  Then we both laughed crazily lying down on the middle of the road.

  Few days later after my arm was restored, I was not willing to be crushed again so I decided to ride and he agreed to switch the position. I was not a good rider as he was; I lacked confidence in busy streets.

  I was riding smoothly…but…after riding for a while, I lost control and crashed into a motorbike which was parked at the roadside. The bike’s parking stand got broken when our cycle knocked it hard knocking the bike down on the ground –it started leaking.

  We were just fourteen years old boys. We didn’t have enough cash to pay for the fuel tank replacement, so escaping was our only option. I looked at Sabin behind me, he was off the cycle on the road catching his leg –he was injured and bleeding.

  “Hurry up, we got to go” –I shouted.

  “You moron, can’t you ride properly, I got a cut” –he yelled in return.

  I took the cycle towards him –supporting him, positioned him properly. Then I started peddling. That day I peddled with all that I had –in fear. I accelerated –peddling on and on –I reached the speed that I had never accomplished before. After peddling for miles in panic, I was exhausted –I stopped reaching to a safe distance.

  I was amazed looking behind the road I covered –looking how far I had come, how fast and limitless I was. That time it occurred to me that I have the potential to do the unpredicted– all I needed was a little bit of pushing force.

  Those were the memorable moments of the time that we spent together –time when I was enormously happy.

  Sabin and I had a lot in common. Our mentalities were like cloned in a sense that our mind used to ride in the same track. We used to think equivalently. I never had to tell him what was going on, in my mind and he never had to question why it was there. We were able to read each other –mysteriously.

  ***

  One night; He was talking
about the seductive drink that his clan people made in special celebration. I told him, I want to have a taste –demanded actually. It was 10 o’clock at night when I kept the crazy wish of that drink.

  He scanned the entire town in his bicycle, searching for that drink. He was not as eager as I was to taste it but still he did that…just for me. Maybe it was a small thing but was one of the best things that someone has ever done for me.

  Sabin and his father –They used to argue a lot and at that time I used to memorize the moment of war held with my father. A strange agony used to penetrate my heart –touching my cheeks I used to sense the vibration of that incident.

  Many time, Sabin used to come over night for stay at my house because most of the arguments with his father led him to the decision of leaving his home. And the next morning he used to return back thinking about his mom. Truly he and I –we were alike… just he was not cursed as I was and he was better.

  Friends

  Friend –simple yet inexpressible utterance…Friend –one you are at ease with. One –who can understand you well and respect you with all your weaknesses, one to whom you can count upon on the darkest moment of time and share all of your thoughts and sentiments recklessly. One who helps you in numerous ways without any greed and his pride only seeks for your happiness without any favor.

  Though every classmate are addressed as friends –very few are truly worth calling the one. There were altogether forty–eight students as my classmates. I didn’t speak to a lot of them for months but with passing time, interaction started to flourish. And slowly I got my own friend circle and new friends got adding with each passing days.

  Sometimes circumstances bring strangers together and alter them into friends.

  It was the science period, as for I remember –strange mumble diverted my attention towards the girls seating in the next row. They seemed worried and were debating over something. Then I noticed, one of them was bleeding –badly. Lowering her arms under the bench, hiding herself from others –maybe she was willing for her wound to be unseen. Her arms were dipped in blood and Apurva was holding her tightly to help her control...