She just looked at me and she kept on looking. There was only one sound she made –“Sohan…”
That day she told me she was going far from her home to complete her high school. I too, was trying for high school admission, so there was no stopping her. I said, “I would wait for you and after the completion of our high school we would talk to our parents.”
“Sohan, I have something for you”
“And what’s that?”
“I still remember you saying, I can’t give a god because your god might be dead, but Sohan I want to share my god with you. I want to offer my faith as my token of love and I want you to believe in my god as I believe in you.” She grabbed my hand and gave me her pendent wrapped in the same handkerchief that I gave her the night when Subhi cut herself.
That handkerchief was very special as I always used to experience her care and love in it. I tore the handkerchief into two halves…”One half of me will be with you and one half of you will be with me protecting – each other. Your pendent and I will be waiting for your return.” It was the time for our separation with a hope that one day we will be together and after that we will never have to separate.
The distance relationship was started. I was busy in my study and she was on hers, but we used to call each other frequently. There wasn’t a single moment where she didn’t come to my memory. I missed her every single day but I was happy thinking about tomorrow, seeing the dreams that a married man sees –dreams of unification and parenthood; dreams that were too impulsive to be seen by just a Sixteen year old teen.
After returning from the hostel, it was not just my study that had progressed –my personality was also enhanced. I was truly evolved in many senses. Apurva increased my interest towards the world of words and music.
In some way, I adopted the flirting and interaction skill from Rudra. What is true friendship?– I learned from Sabin and somehow I knew my potential of writing. By combining all that I had learned and compiling them into me, it transformed me into a whole new person– one that I ever dreamed of.
But still, an unknown ache of past was following me like a shadow –it was my eye. Again, I started having trouble with my vision. I was run through series of clinical tests once again and all test were normal. They only reveled that my eyes nerves were inflaming but the reason was still unknown. The Prednisone dose were restarted. But this time, doses were three times higher, which made my Gynecomasta worse. I gained fifteen kilograms in few weeks and my body was weak and heavy.
I was weak physically. Mentally, I was frustrated because of my father’s dissatisfaction over my effort. I stopped thinking about my house and I diverted my entire mind towards Apurva, because she was the only one whose memories used to remind me of the hostel days –pleasing me.
The Half Girlfriend
Life is a journey where we all are explorers, and for me, all those who were or are there walking along in this journey of time –being one of the characters of my chronicle, are my companions. Maybe, that’s why in this curving tragedy of life drama, new fellowship adds on pages losing numerous chums behind in life’s motion –just like some characters slide away from reader’s mind with the turn of pages.
School friends were in the moment of disappearance and after a month’s time, only few were there to be called as friends.
In two years of high school, I was surrounded with new friends and admirers but still, there was an unknown loneliness –loneliness of someone being far, who was so close to this heart.
Those moments of time that I spent in hostel were always there with me in my memory. I always used to miss them –mostly Sabin and Apurva.
Sometimes, I used to give a visit to Sabin at his dad’s workshop. We used to hang around for few minutes remembering the days we shared in his cycle –few minutes were all that we could get.
I have Gynecomasta; no one knew this except me. It was a hidden secret, but still, I used to feel ashamed sometimes when mistakenly someone touched my chest area. I started hiding myself under loose clothes as it started to get severe. I researched about this condition and I found out that people with Gynecomasta are more likely to have chest cancer –breast cancer actually.
After knowing that I might develop cancer I was in fear, fear of pain – fear of death. I didn’t love my life much but I used to think about my mom and Apurva. Whenever their tears used to come before my eyes it used to pierce my heart.
I started exercising and controlling my diets to stay healthy but all were effortless because I was still on that meditation of Prednisone. It took months for my body to stabilize the effect of prednisone even after its meditation was stopped.
My weight got normal but Gynecomasta was still there. I was bound to live the rest of my life with it. I thought –‘all my childhood was ruined in shame because of Dyslexia and in my teenage Gynecomasta was becoming the reason for my embarrassment.’
Maybe my life was destined for shame.
It was already about two years in our distance relationship. She was busy in her study as I was too. Phone conversations were getting abridged few in days –then in weeks –then in months –getting abridged more and more.
Many times, I used to ask her if her father knew about us, if she or her mother were going to tell him about us and she always used to say “have patience Sohan I will tell him, I am going nowhere, trust me.”
Months passed away, changing the calendars of wall and it turned out we hadn’t had any conversation for a long time. Our relation status became Unknown. When someone asked me do you have a girlfriend, I didn’t have a fixed answer to say.
Waiting for the right time to call –months later, I called her on her birthday. I thought I would ask her to tell everything to her father and convince him about our relation. I was nervous and my heart was pounding with every ringing tone. Horse was running, Horse– the reflection of my heartbeat.
“Namaste"–someone said from the other side.
“Namaste, Is Apurva there?”
“Yes, who’s this?”
“I am her friend, Sohan. Called to wish her.”
“Hold on a sec”, he said.
It was a stranger’s voice; he called Apurva on line then passed her the phone.
“Sohan” –she said with a breath. It was the sweetest voice that I was missing for years
“Happy birthday dear… Who was he?”
“My cousin.” –she whispered
“Cousin… Maybe that’s why I didn’t recognize that voice.”
“Amm”– she mumbled, “How are you Sohan?”
“I’m fine. As good as you left me, as crazy as I was before.”
“Sohan maybe you should not call from now on.”
“But, why Apurva? Is everything all right?” She just cut the line without answering anything. It felt like her doors were shut for me –Forever.
After a while, there was a text on my phone. 'Sohan, I am sorry I don’t know what I shall say. It has been years that we hadn’t spoken and I never knew you were waiting for me all this time. I’m sorry Sohan, I should have told you earlier. That was not my cousin you heard, he was my husband. Sohan I’m married. I went astonished after I heard your voice, I couldn’t say a word. So I am texting, I’m sorry.'
That tore the heart out of me. I went into the quiet and lonely woods. I screamed –I cried and I broke as hard as I could. I sat there for a day– crying and drifting my thoughts. Every time when I looked at the text I flooded uncontrolled until I got completely dried.
After a while, it occurred to me that I could never be happy because utmost moments of dissatisfaction existed in my life all because of my expectations and desire from this world, life and others. I was expecting and dreaming a lot with and about her which made the certainty for me to get disappointment in return– as all expectations got faded away.
Then I controlled myself and I replied her text –for the last time. 'Sorry is not what I want from you. I want you to be happy and get every moment of happine
ss that you deserve. You never asked me to wait for you; I just did because I loved and enjoyed every feeling and emotions that I used to get when I used to do so. Life always doesn’t give you what you desire; many dreams are to be broken. Be happy Apurva, sometimes you have to wake with the direction of time. And if you fall into some trouble someday, just remember I am always with you as your friend. Good bye, happy birthday.'
Penance
Life gets soggy when you are drowned in the flood of tears, even when the ocean is far; and in my case, I was deserted due to the unwilling cascade of tears and the lagoon had been desiccated. The sun that used to shine the earth with its glory was darkened for me, as I was surrounded by the shadow of sadness –sadness that was ripping me apart day after day. I was falling, and that fall was uninhibited.
In my childhood, I had gone to a cliff to execute the longest jump of my life but I had backed off thinking it would be painful, but this fall was the longest and the deepest, that broke me into segments.
I know my life is the cursed one and my god was dead a long time ago in my childhood but What about her god? Apurva always used to say her deity was always there for her and she would be with me forever. Apurva wanted me to have faith in her god and yet again her god also turned his back on me.
I was doing well in my study and I always wanted someone to notice my progression –mainly my father. But he always ignored my efforts. Apurva left me, Sabin was busy and I was all alone again –in lonely track.
I was a teenager with an uncontrolled rage and emotion; I was frustrated with the ignorance and loneliness.
I was desperate to hear that my father was proud of me –even for a single course of time, but my desperation was ended by unnoticed effort and I lost my interest in doing it any more.
High school ended sooner than I knew. I had failed. Failed not only in my subject but I had failed also in my father’s eyes. I waited one year to give re–exam. That was the time when I felt what time really meant. It was maybe my last chance to continue my study so, I was trying my best.
In my try I was not alone one friend of mine was there guiding me in my study. His name was Punnay.
Punnay was my high school pal who just had one ambition in his life which was to give a better life to his parents. He was a regular pass out, but still, he wanted to be there to help me study. He used to stay overnight giving me company while I read. He used to guide me in my problems being my motivator.
Finally, with his help and little effort, I passed the high school but Punnay was not there when the result was published. Maybe, he was on the way to achieve his ambition– I never saw him after that. He was a true friend who helped me without asking for anything and he took nothing in return except my respect for his friendship.
Punnay disappeared, Sabin was busy and Apurva, well, she was living the dreams that I saw with her, but, in someone else’s arms –happily.
My days of loneliness were on track again and I was ripping inside–out, but still, I was silently hiding my sorrow from others, wearing a mask of smile that I had been wearing since my childhood because I didn’t want any sympathy or the fake sentiments. I just wished to let it go, let her go away from my life –away from me, but it was not as easy as it seems– to forget someone that you love the most– more than yourself.
Friends used to chat about her when I was around but I never showed them that any of her memories affected me anymore. But, I sobbed from inside. A month later, it was school reunion and almost all friends were there except Apurva. I heard them talking about her, mostly about how she got married. One said “Apurva absconded with her lover Abdul because her family was against them.”
‘Abdul?’– That name stricked my head.
I remembered the letter that Apurva wrote about her childhood lover who died in hospital –whose name was Abdul. But according to them –Apurva married him. That meant, he never was dead and all that Apurva told me, was a lie.
For days, those words tingled in my ears and I kept on thinking why had Apurva lied to me. “What was that letter for? And Abdul?”
For days I was blank. Then finally the blindfold was removed from my eyes when I realized, I was so blinded in her love, love that she never had for me. All she wanted was Samrat to be far from her. That’s why she wrote that letter, and when the letter failed to do what she intended, she acted as if she loves me and she made me her cover.
She never loved me, I was used; I was played like a puppet– puppet that was controlled by emotions. I was alone and I was fool, who was emotionally weak and always desiring for love. She used that against me, and I kept on loving her more– being a blind fool.
God, her god –I must say, was not there to watch over me. He was there to look and laugh at my stupidity along with her.
I looked at my hands that always wanted to hold her, that always wanted to touch her and feel her presence. I remember her saying that all about our life is written in our palm linings and our hands hold the secret of past and our future. I took a piece of glass and made uncountable cuts on my palms, until my whole hand got clotted in blood and all lines were covered. That was madness, but all I was willing was to erase her and take control of my life.
For days and months, I was frustrated and I was depressed from my life– remembering my childhood, remembering the moments of harassment I went through, remembering the past and seeing my present as emotional fool and my father’s dissatisfaction.
There was too much to take on. I wanted to be free from the burden that I was going through, but Gynecomasta was adding fuel to my sorrow. I took hot iron and pressed it to my chest until it completely burned me from outside of the clothing. Extremely trembling in pain, I took a blade –trying to cut off my nipple and bleed till the heart got empty. But pain stopped me. All I was trying to remove the extra burden of Gynecomasta– by all means.
I was too weak to end this life by myself, too weak to attempt another suicide trial.
Most of the time, I used to go to the same cliff where I went in my childhood and used to look at its depth. Throwing a stone from there felt like I was throwing a portion of me in small segments, slowly and painlessly. A stone for my anger, a stone for my existence, a stone for my father’s dissatisfaction and criticism, and a stone for her memories– with every falling stone, it felt like I was throwing all that I had until my 19th birthday.
“It’s time for a new beginning” –that’s what I always used to say to myself when each time life fucked me and god took amusement.
In many ways, I took control over me, but still, sadness used to be my shadow. I searched for happiness, I searched for peace, I searched for silence, but my search was worthless. Maybe it was insignificant because I was not as peasant as Lord Buddha.
I stopped interacting with selfish junk of people–imprisoning myself in my own world. Then slowly, I caged myself in my heart for weeks.
To lower my loneliness, I started spending time on internet and social networking, and soon, I got addicted to it. They were far from the world of reality and I felt free for sometimes– interacting with the strangers. I was running from my life and myself, adopting the characters of others that I desired.
There, I met a 16 years old girl on internet; she was depressed with her life as I was. I saw myself on her in many extents and I felt her in me as we both hated our existence and wanted to be far from the world.
One day she was chatting about, how this world is treating her, inhumanly, for her illness, and how outcast they make her feel just because she is sick and ugly.
And that day I told her…”This world is full of people who want to hide their weakness by showing other’s flaws. No matter what you do, no matter how much you change yourself for others, they will never see your labors or will admire your will. They will give dissatisfaction and disgrace in return to your efforts.
The most important question that you should ask to yourself is ‘What is beauty for you?’. I have seen many pretty faces in my life but their sou
ls were corrupted. Don’t live for others. I tried living like that and failed –getting their disregard, here I am now so alone, searching for what I want.
Life is full of troubles. Everyone has their own sorrow to share but very few listen and many more ignore it all. I know you can’t change or be well from your illness but you can accept it as a part of you. Look at yourself in the mirror before you go to sleep, and this time don’t look at what the mirror reflects to you –focus on seeing what you mean to yourself and how pretty you are from your heart. Trust me, you will find yourself as beautiful as you have seen yourself in your dream because that is your true beauty, and that is true you –with a million dollar smile."
I don’t know why I told her those words and why they came to my mind. Maybe she was hurt by them but I ignored it all– as one of my mistakes through time.
Few days later, she uploaded a photo with a status–looking at the mirror and knowing that I am different and no one can be like me is a different feeling. I might be weak but I am strong on my own –no one can say what they desire from me coz I am the one to decide what I want from me and my life. And standing in front of the mirror felt like I am the most beautiful girl that I have ever seen coz this is me–life’s beautiful when you smile.
With the reason unknown I smiled reading her status. It was a different feeling of happiness that I got from there and from that day onward, I started flirting and counseling on internet. I was seeing the reflection of Rudra in me as he was the only guy that I knew was the flirty one but soon, I became more flirty and luring person.
I started interacting with people again and I began counseling to those who were in need. It just not helped them; it helped me too in many ways. I was evolving and learning a lot from myself. I was being more interactive and intellectual than I was before. Every time when I helped someone, I used to remember Punnay and wished for his ambition.
Alive In Shadow: Living with dyslexia; an inspirational story Page 7