The Alex Kilgour Jokebook

by Allan Cole

  "'Sir,' th' lad in bandages goes on. 'Y' know how y' told us how't' deal wi' th' spotted snakes?'

  " 'Aye, spotted snakes. But Ah dinnae ken—'

  " 'Ah'm tryin't't' tell you. Ah'm in m' fightin' position ae stand-to th' other night. An' thae wee furrit object wi' spots slides in m' hole. An' just like y' ordered, Mr. Kilgour, on th' count ae one Ah grabs it wi' m' right hand, on th' count ae two Ah grabs it wi' m' left hand, on th' count ae three Ah slides m' hand up, an' on th' count ae four Ah pop… an' sü, can y' fancy m' sittin' thae wi' m' thumb up a tiger's arse?'"

  There was dead, complete silence.

  Finally N'chlos spoke. "That is the worst clotting joke I have ever heard."

  And for the first and only time, Sten found himself in complete agreement with a Tahn.

  *****

  The Setup:

  The Spotted Snake story out of the way, Alex proceeds to "help" Sten charm a cunning lady thief that our hero has less than honorable designs on. The beauty's name is St. Clair.

  The Joke:

  "Lately I don't feel like we're getting anywhere. We're wrecking their money. Fine and good. We're fouling up production. Messing with their morale. Stealing their secrets. And being a general pain in the tush. This is great. As it should be. We're hurting them bad."

  "I don't see what your problem is," L'n said. "What more do you want?"

  "I want to hear them yell ouch," St. Clair said. "I mean, how bad are we really hurting them?"

  "Aye," Alex said, tapping the table thoughtfully. "Ah ken whae y' mean."

  "You do?" asked the unsuspecting L'n, who still had a few innocent bits left in her.

  Alex nodded wisely. " Tis ae old malady," he said. "How much hurt hurts. Aye. An old tale, lass. Let Kilgour tell y' how old."

  And Alex settled back to tell a suspicious St. Clair and an intrigued L'n his story.

  "Ae gran'sire ae mine wae trappin't. Ae Eart'. Bleakit an' cold an' a'. Been oot ae th' wilderness aye weeks an' months.

  "An' one day, thae was a wee town. Nae, no e'en a town. A village. Thae see't thae great pourit ae snow comin't toward them. An' thae thinki't ae's a bear or some'at.

  "M' grandsire, 'twere.

  "Lookin't f'r ae dentist.

  "Turns oot, thae's a diploma-mill quack ae thae village. An' m' gran'sire sits doon ae th' chair, an' thae dentist lookit ae' his teeth an' say, 'Aye, thae's got to coom oot. But ae nae hae anesthesia.'

  "M' grandsire say, 'Dinnae fash. Pull it.'

  "An so, wi' great gruntin' ae groanin't, thae dentist yankit thae tooth. An' he's sweatin', an m' grandsire's sweatin't.

  "An' thae quack say't, 'Dinnae thae be th' greatest pain y've ever felt?'

  "M' grandsire says, 'Nae. Thae's naught.'

  "Wi' considerable astonishment, thae dentist say, 'Whae's worse?'

  "M' grandsire, explain't. 'Last week, Ah come down wi' th' runs. S' bad, Ah canne mak't oot m' cabin't' thae backhouse. So, Ah drap m' trews ae th' snowbank, right outside m' door. An' Ah forget Ah was cleanin't m' bear traps before thae snow fell, an' Ah left a wee trap set right where't Ah be crouchin't.

  " 'Which Ah'm remindit aboot when thae trap closit.

  " 'Snapit closit on m' balls.'

  " 'Good Lord,' thae dentist sae. 'Y'r right. Thae's th' biggest pain ae all.'

  " 'Nae, nae, lad,' m' grandsire say. 'Th' biggest pain ae all wae when Ah come to the end ae th' chain…' "

  His punch line was greeted by the usual cold, stony silence. But only from St. Clair. L'n was on the floor with laughter. Alex gave her a huge, fond smile.

  "I don't get it," St. Clair said flatly.

  "You—you don't?" L'n gasped through laughter. "Why not? It's—so simple that it's—" She broke off to compose herself. "Look. A bear trap has this big long chain."

  "I know that," St. Clair said, a little miffed.

  "And one end of the chain is staked to the ground. And on the other end is—well, the bear trap. And, see, when the jaws snapped shut, they caught Alex's great-great-whatever-grand-father by the scrotum."

  She erupted into laughter again. St. Clair just glared at her. Alex thought she was absolutely wonderful.

  "But—see, that still wasn't what really hurt the most," L'n went on. "What really hurt was-"

  "I don't want to hear it again," St. Clair broke in. "Please!"

  Alex got to his feet and strode around the table to L'n. He patted her fondly on the shoulder. She was a being after his own heart. Kilgour had found himself a duck.

  "Do you know any more like that?" L'n asked hopefully.

  "A few, lass. Just a few. D'ya e'er ken thae one aboot th' spotted snake?"

  "Nooo… I don't think so. Why don't you—"

  "Don't get him started, L'n," Sten's voice boomed from across the room. "Or you'll wish you were back in a Koldyeze cooler."

  *****

  The Setup:

  In a change of pace, this shaggy dog story is told by Chetwynd, a character we met in Court Of A Thousand Suns. There, he was the tough boss prisoner of a colony of convicts. Somehow he escaped. Now he's on a Tahn world finds himself joining forces with Sten and Alex against a common enemy. (Sidenote: The character was named for Lionel Chetwynd, an old friend and a damned good writer. Check him out at IMBD.com)

  The Joke:

  Chetwynd put on a brave leader face and entered.

  He bought a round for his boyos.

  He sipped the shot he wanted to slug down.

  He held court, awarded and withheld approval, granted or withheld favors—and told the latest Tahn joke:

  "A mister finally gets the vid. He's on the list. Through priorities. His gravsled is fin'ly available.

  "He goes bug. 'Bout time. Paid the Tahn guv for it six years ago. When is he gonna get it?

  "Tahn motorpool clot says four years down. Whitsl-cycle. Fourth day.

  "Mister asks that be in the morning or afternoon?

  "Tahn clerk says, 'Mister, that be four years away! Why do you care if it's morning or night?'

  " 'Cause I got the plumber coming in the morning.'

  During the laughter he blasted down the rest of the shot and waved for another.

  *****

  From The Alex Kilgour Toxic Scrapheap

  The Setup:

  Here's another told by Chetwynd, except we had to cut it for space.

  The Joke:

  A prisoner escapes from one of the worst prisons in the whole clottin' Empire. On the run, he comes across a likely house breaks into it. To his delight he finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of the bed, ties him up on a chair, ties the woman to the bed and while he's checking her bonds he leans down and kisses her on the neck. Then he gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

  While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

  The wife smiles sweetly and replies, "I am glad you think that way, dear. I'm sureyou are right - he hasn't seen a woman in years.

  "But, honey, he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom...

  "Be strong honey. I love you too..."

  *****

  The Setup:

  This story was told by the real Alex Kilgour, who was reminiscing about the "good old days," and we later adapted it for Revenge Of The Damned. We envisioned it like this: Alex and the other POW tunnel rats are taking a much-deserved break. They'd been digging for clottin' weeks and yet it seemed they'd made depressingly little progress. In his never ending quest to improve morale, Alex pops out with this:

  The Joke:

  "A sodger fa jist enlisted speart th' master sergeant fur a three-day
pass. The master sergeant gawped, 'Aur ye a bampot? Yoo jist join th' Imperial army, an' ye awreddy want a pass? Sodger, fur 'at kin' ay a reward ye hae tae dae somethin' bonnie clottin' spectacular!'

  "A day later th' sodger returned in a huge enemy grav-track! The master sergeant was clottin' bloon awa'.

  "He speart 'Haw did ye dae it?'

  The sodger replied, "Weel, Ah jumped in a body ay uir grav-tracks, an' went toward th' border wi' th' enemy. As Ah got near, Ah saw an enemy track. Ah pit mah white flag up, an' th' enemy track pit his white flag up.

  "'An' Ah said tae th' enemy sodger, 'Do ye want tae gie a three-day pass? Sae we exchanged tracks."

  (Aren't you sorry we didn't have room for that one?)

  *****

  The Setup:

  This little tidbit was to be told by St. Clair, the beautiful conwoman enlisted by Sten to be the Tahn POW Camp's scrounger.

  The Joke:

  "The first man and woman in Creation just had to be citizens of Tahn. I mean, here we have Adam and Eve believing they were in Paradise when all along they were homeless, naked and only had one apple between them."

  *****

  The Setup:

  This Kilgour story made it all the way to the next to the last draft, where it was cut. It's told during their elaborate efforts to escape the Tahn POW camp.

  The Joke:

  "Aye, here's a tale mah auld grain faither tauld me. He said in ancient times thaur was a stoatin war oan Planit Earth, an' ye ken if th' Kilgoors sniff a war, they cannae help but join in.

  "Mah auld ancestur - Captain Kilgoor - ended up bein' a pilot fightin' a coontry ay men waur e'en than even th' Tahn. Nazis, they waur called.

  Anyhaw, Captain Kilgour's plane was brooght doon an' he's captured by th' Nazis, who w're more cruel th'n the Tahn. He was was sorely woonded, an' a body day when a Nazi doctur tauld heem, "Scotsman! yer arm is infected wi' gangrene we main cut it aff."

  "Oh, aye, mah ancestur didne loch thes bark at aw. but he was brae, sae he said, 'Okay, 'en. but coods ye drap it ower Scootlund when ye gang bombin' them?'

  "The Nazi laughed an' said, "h, we will be canty tae.'

  "A few weeks later th' Nazi doctur tauld Captain Kilgoor 'at they hae tae cut aff his other arm. Sae mah ancestur, he says, 'Okay, 'en. But coods drap it ower Scootlund loch ye did lest time?'

  "'Yes, 'at will be dain,' said th' Nazi.

  Later, th' Nazi tells Captain kilgoor 'at they hae tae cut his leg aff. Ance again mah brae th' ancestur says, 'Weel, coods ye dae th' sam as afair?'

  "The Nazi replies, 'Och aye."

  The next th' Nazi tells heem they hae tae cut his other leg. 'Weel,' begins Captain Kilgoor, 'coods ye jist...'

  But the Nazi shooted most sevaur. "No! It wulnae be dain. We ken yer clever plan! Ye ur tryin' tae escape tae scootlund!"

  *****

  STEN 6 - Return Of The Emperor

  The Book:

  The Eternal Emperor was dead, and the five members of the Privy Council ruled in his place. But they quickly discovered that their power would collapse around them if they didn’t locate the Emperor’s secret source of Anti–Matter Two, the economic keystone of the Empire. And so they sent a team of crack commandos to capture Sten, one of their late ruler’s few surviving confidantes. But Sten, as usual, had his own agenda. For he knew something about the Eternal Emperor that would shake the Empire to its foundations. And to play his part, all Sten had to do was kill the five most powerful beings in the universe…

  *****

  The Setup:

  The previous book - Revenge Of The Damned - ended with another Bunch & Cole trademark cliffhanger: the assassination of the Eternal Emperor. Legend has it that he's been assassinated before, but always came back. Will he this time? Well, Duh! Meanwhile, the evil corporate leaders (are there any other kind) who form The Privy Council are hunting down Sten and Alex, believing that they possess the secret of where in clot the Emperor kept the AM2 - the fuel that powered the Empire.

  The Joke:

  Laird Kilgour of Kilgour, formerly Chief Warrant Officer Alex Kilgour (First Imperial Guards Division, Retired); formerly CWO A. Kilgour, Detached, Imperial Service, Special Duties; formerly Private-through-Sergeant Kilgour, Mantis Section Operational, various duties from demolitions expert to sniper to clandestine training, to include any duties the late Eternal Emperor wanted performed sub rosa with a maximum of lethality, was holding forth.

  "... An' aye, th' rain's peltin' doon, f'r days an' days i' comes doon. An' her neighbors tell th' li'l old gran, 'Bes' y' flee't' high ground.'

  " 'Nae,' she says. 'Ah hae faith. God will take care a' me. Th' Laird wi' provide.' "

  It was a beautiful evening. The tubby man was sprawled on a settee, his feet on a hassock, his kilt tucked decorously between his legs. Conveniently to his right were his weapons of choice: a full pewter flagon of Old Sheepdip, imported at staggering—staggering to anyone not as rich as Kilgour—expense from Earth and a liter mug of lager.

  (Alex is interrupted, but later continues stubbornly onward ...)

  *****

  An th' rain comit doon an' comit doon, an' th' water's risin'. And her pigs are wash't away, squealin't. An' the' coo's swimmin't f'r shelter. An doon th' road comit ae gravcar.

  " 'Mum,' comit th' shout. 'Thae's floodin't. Thae must leave!' " 'Nae,' she shouts back. 'Ah'll noo leave. Th' Laird will provide.'

  "An' th' water comit up, an' comit up, an' th' rain i' pel tin' an comit doon. An' the chickens ae roostin' ae the roof. Floodin't her house't' ae th' first story. An' here comit ae boat. 'Missus, now thae must leave. We'll save y'!'

  "An' agin comit her answer: 'Nae, nae. Th' Laird will provide.'

  "But th' rain keep fallin't. An' th' water keep't risin't. An' coverin't th' second story. An' she's crouchin' ae th' roof, wi' th' chickens, an' here comit ae rescue gravlighter. It hover't o'er th' roof, an' a mon leans oot. 'Mum! We're here't'save y'.'

  "But still she's steadfast. Once again, 'Nae, nae. Th' Laird will provide.'

  "An' th' rain keep fallin't an' th' flood keep't risin't. An' she drowns. Dead an' a'.

  "An' she goes oop't' Heaven. An' th' Laird's waitin'. An' th' wee gran lady, she's pissed!

  "She gets right i' Th' Good Laird's face, an shouts, 'How c'd y', Laird! Th' one time Ah aski't frae help—an ye're nae there.' "

  The com buzzed. The guvnor answered. "Alex. F'r you. From your hotel."

  "B'dam," Alex swore. But he rose. "Hold m'point. 'Tis nae a good one, nae a long one, but be holdin't it anyway."

  (Once again, Alex's progress is halted. Will this joke ever be clotting over?)

  *****

  He had a second for a final mourn.

  "Nae m'friends'll nae hear the last line:

  "An' th' Laird looki't ae her, an' he's sore puzzled. 'Gran, how can y' say Ah dinnae provide?

  "Ah giv't ae car, ae boat, an ae gravlighter!'"

  *****

  From The Alex Kilgour Toxic Scrapheap

  The Setup:

  None, really. The next three stories were adapted from old Soviet Union jokes told to us by a writer friend who was the son of one of the Hollywood Ten who were blacklisted and jailed during the Red Scare back in the 50's. We wanted to use them in "Return," but never found a good place for them.

  Joke #1:

  As we all know, the poor Tahn live in constant terror of their government. And just before the outbreak of war with the Empire there were mass arrests across all the planets under their power. People lived in even greater fear, especially at night, expecting to be carted away by the Tahn Socio-Patrolmen.

  One night there was a loud knock at the door of a certain house.

  The residents cowered in silence, afraid to answer it. The knocking continued, getting louder and louder.

  The residents didn't budge - pretending to be asleep. Finally someone started to break down the door.

  As he listened to the door give way, one resident thinks to himself: "I'm an old
man, I've got to die soon anyway. What am I afraid of? I'll open up to them."

  He gets up and goes to the door. A minute later he rushes back to his family, shouting joyfully:

  "Get up! Get up! It's only a fire . . .'

  *****

  Joke #2:

  The Tahn Prime Minister read his report to the gathered members of Parliament. Suddenly someone sneezed. "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.) The Tahn Prime Minister leaned forward: "Bless you, Citizen!"

  *****

  Joke #3

  A Tahn judge strolled out of his chambers laughing his head off. A fellow judge approached and asked what was so funny.

  The first judge said, "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!"

  "Well, go ahead, tell me!" said the other judge.

  Still snickering, the first judge said, "I can't. I just sentenced some poor clot to the firing squad for telling it!"

  *****

  STEN 7 - Vortex

  The Book:

  The Empire is in chaos. The once–great Imperial Navy has been shattered in battle and lies burning in space, riven by a civil war that threatens to engulf humanity’s future. For the revered Eternal Emperor is not the man his subjects thought him to be — and may not even be human at all. And it is Sten — Imperial bodyguard, spy, assassin, renegade — who now leads humanity’s fight for survival. Taking command of the last rebel fleet, he sets out on a desperate quest to seek and destroy the dark source of his former master’s power. Denounced as a traitor, hunted by forces loyal to the Emperor, Sten must risk everything to annihilate the Empire he vowed to protect.

  The Setup:

  The Eternal Emperor returned after all, but all is not well. He's behaving very strangely indeed. No longer the benevolent dictator we've learned to love. Meanwhile, a planetary system inhabited by several very nasty breeds of beings - all hating each other's guts - are disrupting the Empire. (Think: the breakup of Yugoslavia, or the U.S.S.R.) Sten is sent as Plenipotentiary to solve the problem. Alex, naturally enough, is at his side. In the opening, Sten is getting orders from his old boss and buddy, Ian Mahoney,