by Jerry Cole
“Not sure,” Jan replied. “His visit was a surprise. That means the length of his visit is also a surprise.”
“Okay,” Morgan said. “How about I take you guys out tonight? I mean, as much as I love take-out, I don’t think a man can live without fine cuisine.”
Jan laughed, shaking his head. “You’re such a fucking snob.”
“I want to impress your brother,” Morgan replied, doing the last button on his shirt. “Our conversation can wait until he’s gone.”
“He can entertain himself for a couple of hours,” Jan said. “I really want to talk to you, too.”
“Good,” Morgan replied. He was sure the relief was visible on his face. “I’ll see you two tonight. Do you want me to pick you guys up at seven?”
“Sure,” Jan said. “That works.”
“Okay,” Morgan replied. He kissed him on the lips again. “Right. I better get to work. I don’t know what’s going to happen if I keep kissing you.”
Jan laughed. “I know,” he said. “I’ll definitely be a bad influence then.”
“I can’t wait for tonight,” Morgan said.
“Yeah, I know,” Jan replied. “Neither can I.”
Chapter Twenty
Jan was watching Riley take the stuff out of his luggage and look around his apartment every now and then.
“You know,” Riley finally said. “I didn’t expect a promotion to be this much of a downgrade. Back in the city, our apartment was at least nice. I mean, it needed some TLC, but…”
Jan crossed his arms. It was time to speak to Riley about what was going on. He just didn’t want to approach it yet because he was scared Riley would feel guilty and there was nothing Riley could do about changing the situation. He was already doing his best, and it would take him a few years to start contributing. Since Riley was powerless, Jan didn’t like sharing details with him. He knew it was about to become unavoidable because Riley’s questions had only just started. Once Riley started, there was very little chance he was going to stop. There was something else, something much bigger. He had narrowly escaped Riley talking to Morgan about his job yesterday, and now that they all were going to go out together, Jan had to tell Riley exactly what the situation was so Riley wouldn’t accidentally throw him in it.
“Well,” Jan said slowly. “State Fidelity pays for it. I can’t exactly ask for nicer fixtures, can I?”
“I don’t know,” Riley replied. “I thought this was a promotion.”
“It is,” Jan said.
“Okay,” Riley said. He stopped what he was doing and glared at Jan. “Just for the record, I don’t believe you. I don’t know what’s going on, but the only thing that seems better for you here is Morgan. Which, don’t get me wrong, I’m fully on board with. But you didn’t say you’d have to live in a shithole or…”
“There’s more to this than meets the eye,” Jan replied. “I’m… okay, you can’t freak out or anything… but I’m pretending to be a waiter to get into Morgan’s company.”
Riley cocked his head. “Sorry, I don’t think I heard you right. Come again?”
Jan licked his lips. “No, Riley. You heard me right.”
Riley shook his head, chuckling lightly. “No, I really don’t think I did.”
“Seriously, Riley,” Jan said. “You heard me right.”
“You’re going to have to do better than that,” Riley replied. “Because from where I’m standing, that sounds bananas.”
Jan cracked a smile. “Sit down. It’s a long story.”
“Oh, I have all the time in the world for this,” Riley replied, sitting down next to him. “Because I’m really, really curious. When you talked about this, you made it sound like a promotion.”
Jan shook his head. “Because it was. Because it is a promotion.”
“Yeah, I can tell by the nice digs,” Riley replied. “And the side gig.”
“Don’t give me that shit, Riley. Just hear me out,” Jan said. “This was a promotion. It wasn’t just a promotion, it came with a massive bonus and they pay for everything I ever could ask for. Not just rent and utilities, but my meals, and if I wanted one, I could have a company car.”
“Okay,” Riley said, looking up at a crack on the ceiling. “When they offered to pay your rent, did they specify that you’d have to live in a shithole?”
Jan smiled. “I never took you for an elitist.”
“I’m not!” Riley replied, his eyes narrowing as though Jan had said the most offensive thing Riley ever had ever heard. “I’m really not. But you work hard, and when I convinced you to move, I did think your quality of life was going to go up. I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect you to have to be a waiter.”
Jan sighed. “Yeah, I don’t understand the waiter thing,” he replied. “I mean, I kind of get it. I need to look the least suspicious I can and the way positions at places like FinaSoft Corporation work means I’d have to sign a pretty ironclad NDA to work there. I could get a position there with my own qualifications, too, but, obviously, they would have known I came from State Fidelity, which is something the bank doesn’t want FinaSoft to know. I can’t exactly work for two companies at once...”
“I don’t understand,” Riley said, shaking his head. “Why can’t you sign an NDA? I thought that was pretty standard.”
“Because I’m not technically working for FinaSoft. I’m working for State Fidelity. Do you understand?”
Riley shrugged. “Not really.”
“The way it was explained to me is this. Apparently, signing an NDA would make the legal case that State Fidelity and other banks are trying to pursue against FinaSoft a lot more difficult than it has to be,” Jan replied. “That’s the reason they wanted me to do the internship. The internship process is long, though, so they wanted me to get close to someone who worked at FinaSoft beforehand so I could find out whether they’re doing stuff illegally quickly after I got in.”
“Wait,” Riley said, his eyes widening. “Doesn’t Morgan work at FinaSoft?”
“He does,” Jan replied and swallowed. “He wasn’t… he was incidental.”
“Oh, okay,” Riley said. “That makes perfect sense. Your boyfriend was incidental.”
“He was,” Jan said, sounding more impatient than he wanted to. “He asked me out. I thought he was perfect to do this with because, you know, I had a file on him, and I ended up really liking him. I considered him a target for about two minutes.”
“And now he’s your boyfriend,” Riley said. “Okay, I think I get it. So, he’s in on it?”
“No,” Jan said, biting the inside of his mouth.
“He’s not? Wait, then I don’t understand…”
“I haven’t told him yet, okay? I’ve come close to it, but we’ve only been on a couple of dates and I really like him. I don’t want him to hate me. I know he’s probably going to break up with me once he finds out, but what can I do? I took the job. I need to do this.”
“You always can quit,” Riley said, his eyes wide. “Seriously. You still can quit and save your relationship and…”
“I think you’re forgetting something really important,” Jan said. “Riley, if I quit, who is going to take care of Mom?”
“Taking care of Mom doesn’t necessarily mean having Mom in one of the best homes available in fucking Brooklyn, out of all places,” Riley said. “And honestly, if neither one of us is staying in the city, isn’t it high time we consider moving her somewhere more affordable? If she moves in with me once I graduate…”
“No,” Jan replied simply. “We’re not doing that.”
“The military has benefits, Jan,” Riley said. “It’s one of the main reasons I joined.”
“Yes. And it’s something we can discuss again once you graduate. For now, focus on studying. It’s what Mom would have wanted.”
Riley shook his head. “That’s such bullshit,” he said. “This is absolutely not what Mom would have wanted. You dressed this up as a promotion and, okay, you’re getting
more money and free stuff, but it sounds terrible.”
“I had to take it, Riley,” Jan said, rubbing his temple. “Mom’s care is expensive.”
“I know that,” Riley replied. “You think I don’t know that? Of course I fucking know that. But you make a good living, and you don’t have to pay for me anymore, so I don’t understand why you’re here in the first place.”
“I can’t exactly quit,” Jan said. “Look, I know you don’t get it, but it’s what I have to do.”
“You’re right, I don’t get it!” Riley replied. “You have the chance to be happy for the first time in years, and you won’t do anything about that. I mean, maybe there’s a way you can reach a compromise. Maybe he can be a whistleblower for you or something”
“First, I’d have to convince him to do that,” Jan said. “And I’m guessing that would be very tricky, considering I lied to him.”
Riley hid his head behind his hands. “Quit,” he said, his voice muffled.
“Riley, I can’t quit,” Jan replied, rolling his eyes. “I know you’re worried about me, but I can’t. Do you know how much it costs to keep Mom at Broadway Oaks?”
“No,” Riley said. “Because you’ve repeatedly decided not to tell me, even though I feel like it’s something I should know.”
“The only reason I haven’t told you,” Jan said, getting to his feet and pacing around the room. “Is because I know there is nothing you can do about it, and it’s just going to make you feel bad, when it shouldn’t, obviously, but I know you. None of this was your fault.”
Riley shook his head. “I’m a grownup, Jan. You can tell me what it costs to care for Mom. I mean, what am I going to do? Try to contribute? Yeah, I can see how you’d be so opposed to that.”
Jan rubbed his temple again. He opened his mouth to answer Riley’s question, but nothing came out of it. “I don’t want to tell you.”
“Jan, please,” Riley said. “It’s not much of a life you’re living right now. You were there for me when things were going to shit, so please let me help you. Or at least give me the opportunity to do so, because this isn’t fair.”
“Fine,” Jan said. “But you have to promise you won’t freak out.”
Riley furrowed his brow. “Oh, it’s that bad? Okay. I won’t freak out.”
Jan sat next to Riley on the bed, leaning forward, his knees on his legs. “So, when I got this promotion, my salary went up to six figures a year.”
“Damn,” Riley said. “That’s awesome. You didn’t tell me that.”
Jan ignored him. “So, I pay around five hundred dollars for Mom’s insurance, which covers most of her medications and some of her care. But Broadway Oaks is expensive, so even her insurance doesn’t cover most of it.”
Riley exhaled sharply. “Just spit it out.”
“So, it costs about four hundred dollars a day,” Jan said, looking away from him.
Riley’s mouth dropped open. “Excuse me?”
“Yeah,” Jan replied. “It’s the best care place in the Bronx. What did you expect? I told you, it’s not cheap. Our expenses have kind of slowly eaten up Trevor’s life insurance. Her health insurance helps, but not enough, and she doesn’t have a pension because she never got to retire.”
Riley looked up at him. “We should move her.”
“We’re not doing that,” Jan said.
“Neither one of us lives in New York anymore! This makes no fucking sense!” Riley replied.
Jan sighed. “You want to go back, don’t you? So do I. It’s the reason I haven’t sold the apartment. We make okay money from renting it out, and it helps. It would be a nice windfall but right now, it’s not necessary. You want to be able to go back to the city and not pay exorbitant rent, right? So, the apartment is there for you when you’re ready to do that. I’m happy to move if you—”
“Can you stop doing that for a second?”
“Doing what?” Jan said. His brother still was glaring at him, his eyes narrow, his lips pursed. Jan wasn’t sure, but he didn’t think he ever had seen Riley as angry as was then.
“This thing where you decide to martyr yourself without even fucking talking to me,” Riley replied, turning to look straight into Jan’s eyes. They were so close together Jan found himself a little uncomfortable. “I know it’s really easy for you to play into the martyr role. I mean, I get it. I understand things haven’t been easy for you for a long time now. But what you’re doing to yourself, that’s fucking unconscionable.”
Jan shook his head. “I don’t understand. What do you mean?”
“You’re putting yourself in a position where you can’t be happy,” Riley replied. “Don’t you get it? Look, I’m not a kid anymore. I understand why you’re protective of me but I can take care of myself. I’m a grownup, Jan. And Mom, she wouldn’t want this for you. Mom wanted you to be happy. She still wants you to be happy. She would hate this bullshit that you’re doing to yourself.”
Jan sighed, leaning forward and burying his head in his hands. He knew he was being dramatic, but he couldn’t help himself. “You don’t understand.”
“I do understand,” Riley said. “You’re the one who doesn’t understand. Things have changed. They have changed for you, too, but you’re too dense to see it. Or maybe too proud.”
Jan glowered at him. “I’m not proud or dense or whatever else you want to call me. I’m just being sensible. I’m sorry if you don’t like that.”
Riley pursed his lips. “Yeah,” he said. “You keep telling yourself that.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Morgan wasn’t sure what to think. When he got to Jan’s building, he parked right outside and then called Jan. He was invited upstairs, but declined because they had to make the time of the reservation. Jan groaned at that, though he had held the phone away from his mouth. Morgan wondered if something had happened. He was going to ask but when both Jan and Riley got to his car, they appeared to not be speaking to each other and instead only talking to Morgan. Morgan got out of the car to open the door for Jan and Jan kissed him on the lips as though his little brother wasn’t right there, right next to him.
Morgan kissed him back, though not as intensely. He moved away slowly, gently, because he didn’t want Jan to think he was rejecting him when he wasn’t. His hand was still on Jan’s face, pressing softly against his skin and glancing behind him at Riley. Jan didn’t seem to care because he kissed him on the lips again, though this time not as passionately. Still unsure what to make of what had just happened, Morgan focused on Riley going into the car, opening the backseat for himself.
Morgan went back to looking at Jan. “Everything okay?”
“Ignore him,” Jan said. “We argued. He’s mad. He gets like this, he’ll get over it soon.”
“What happened?” Morgan asked. He was pretty sure Jan was about to make an excuse, but instead, he sighed and looked down.
“He told me something I didn’t want to hear,” Jan said, his voice a murmur. “And the worst part is that I think he might be right.”
Morgan smiled. “Have you tried telling him that?”
Jan shrugged. “I just—I don’t know if I’m ready to face this yet.”
Morgan put his hand on Jan’s shoulder and squeezed it in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. “Well, whatever it is, babe,” he said, “you know I’m here for you, right?”
“Yes,” Jan said, looking up at him at first, his eyes wide. Then he immediately cast his gaze toward the ground. “Of course I know that.”
“Good,” Morgan replied, kissing his forehead. “Let’s have fun tonight. Then we can talk about whatever is on your mind.”
“Sure,” Jan replied, still looking down at the ground. “Okay, that sounds good.”
***
By the time they finally got to the restaurant, the atmosphere had settled down a little bit and Morgan was feeling proportionally better about the night. He didn’t feel totally calm, but he didn’t think that was going to happen any time soon,
certainly not while Jan still was being curt with his visiting brother. Whatever they were talking about had to have to been serious, because during the drive from his building to the restaurant, Jan had barely cracked a joke and he hadn’t even smiled once.
Once they all were out of the car and Morgan had handed his keys to the valet, he turned around to see Riley and Jan bickering under their breaths. He wished he could take Jan aside and talk to him about it, but he didn’t want things to get any more awkward than they already were. Jan shot an apologetic glance at him and went right back to arguing with his brother.
Morgan had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. He dug his hands into his coat pockets and started walking toward the restaurant. He had expected Jan’s relationship with his brother would be complicated, but something about this entire thing gave him a bad feeling. Whatever was going on was so serious they couldn’t even wait to argue about it until they weren’t around Morgan. Jan seemed a little sad. Morgan didn’t know Riley well at all—though, come to think he didn’t know Jan well at all either—but he thought, if anything, he seemed angry. Morgan knew he couldn’t ask anything right then and get an answer, he just would make things more uncomfortable. He just hated that things weren’t turning out the way he wanted them. He wanted to have the boyfriend conversation over a nice candlelit dinner they ordered from somewhere, because he couldn’t cook at all. It was supposed to be romantic, with a good, but cheesy, movie everyone could quote almost entirely from memory and end with them feeding each other. Then they would go to bed together, or maybe after dessert, and have the talk in each other’s arms.
That was supposed to be the way it went. But that hadn’t been what had happened at all. Because Morgan couldn’t contain himself around Jan. He had wondered to himself why that was many times, but he hadn’t reached any sort of conclusion that made any sense. He waited by the door and itched for a cigarette, something he hadn’t even realized he missed until he was waiting for Jan and his brother to come join him. He looked in the pockets of his pants for a loose smoke, though he knew he didn’t have one, and then licked his lips and looked up at the bouncer.