Infected

by Jessica Gomez

  “Oh, Michael. You couldn’t have saved him, he knew that. That’s why he told you to go.” Jen said, trying to comfort him.

  Hearing them only made more wordless tears run down my face.

  “I’m going to take her to her room.” Mason paused and looked at his brother. “Go rest, Michael. Jen, take him to bed. Get a good night’s sleep, bro.”

  “Yeah, right," Michael murmured.

  Michael walked away mumbling to himself.

  I started to get down myself while Mason tried to hold on to me.

  “Please, Mason. I can walk. Just let me walk.”

  “It’s alright, Lil. Everything will be fine.” He said and kissed my forehead.

  As we walked, one question in particular was hounding me. How in the hell was I going to tell James that he lost his brother? The idea of those words leaving my mouth were destroying me, making it all too real, but he had to know. Mason walked with me down to the classroom, where James should be finishing up his lessons for the day.

  I hesitated at the entrance, as I collected myself and stood straight. James was going to need me strong. I took a deep breath in, closing my eyes, slowly regaining some composer. As I stepped into the room, I spotted him right away. He was off to the side and toward the back of the class.

  As if he sensed me, he turned. The glassy appearance in his beautiful eyes told me everything I needed to know, he already knew. Only then did it dawn on me that he would have seen me coming, known what I was there to speak to him about. Especially something like this. He’s always tended to see things more clearly with heavy emotion involved.

  I began running toward him at the same moment he rushed me. We slammed into each other, sobs escaping both of us. We slowly sunk to the ground. The teacher’s quiet dismissals whispered in the background.

  “He’s gone.” I spoke the dreaded words out loud, making them reality.

  He nodded into my shoulder, as I pulled him tighter against me.

  “Did you see the entire conversation?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  I held onto him for a long time. My heart was breaking for him. He had just regained his brother, just to lose him again. When we collected ourselves to stand back up, James decided to head to our room for some time away. He didn’t want to deal with the condolences he knew were coming, not yet. Mason decided to check on his brother, to see how he was handling all of this, leaving me to collected Azami from Sarah in the kitchen.

  After I picked Azami up, we headed back to our room. I carried her down the hallway, walking a little faster than normal. Azami glanced up at me a few times before patting my cheek.

  “Mommy, wats wong?” She asked, still petting my face.

  I laughed and a couple of tears ran out of my eyes. “Mommy is sad, Baby.”

  “How tum?”

  “Because I found out some very sad news today. You remember Mommy’s friend Ian? Well, he was in an accident.” I had to swallow several times before I could continue. “He’s not going to be coming home, because he was hurt real bad.”

  She stared at me a moment, wrapping her little mind around the news I’d given her. I think even at her age, she understood what I really meant. Ian was gone, forever.

  I ducked into our room, as her bottom lip began to tremble and water pooled in her eyes. “Everything will be alright, angel.” I sat on the edge of the bed, rocking her back and forth.

  James had been lying down, looking to be asleep, when he rolled over and wrapped his long gangly arm around my waist. He stuffed his face into my side and cried right along with Azami. Pulling them as close to me as I could, I joined them. I cried not only for myself, but for the kids too. James had lost his brother again, Azami lost a great friend and father, and I lost… a part of me.

  Mason brought food down to the room for everyone, since we decided to skip dinner. Even Azami declined the bread that he tried to offer her. None of us had any appetite. Shortly after, the kids started to fall asleep, being worn out by the emotional turmoil they’d gone through today.

  “Thank you for everything today, Mason.” I said, as my eyes began to droop. “You being there when I told James helped me get through the words.”

  “I didn’t do anything.”

  “Yeah, you did.” His presence was enough to give me strength.

  “You’re welcome. You know that you and the kids, can come to me if you need anything. Anytime. Right?”

  I nodded, starting to drift off. “I know.”

  “Good. Now get some sleep.” Mason pulled James over, giving Azami and myself more room. Before he left, he tossed the blanket over us whispering, “Goodnight.”

  I woke up moaning as I turned onto my side. My eyes fluttered open and the first thing I saw was Mason. He was slouched against the wall next to me. He looked tired, even while he slept. Dark circles under his eyes. My memories started to come back to me. The dreams. Ian. Telling the kids. I turned toward the kids, only to find their side of the bed empty. Pain ached in my heart constantly for our loss, but I needed to get my shit together for the kids.

  I reached over and touched Mason’s hand. His eyes immediately opened and looked at me. He smiled through sleepy eyes.

  “You’re awake.” He stated the obvious.

  “Yep. Do you know where the kids took off to?” I really wish they’d woken me.

  “James took Azami to the kitchen for some breakfast. She said her tummy was talking. James wanted to let you sleep a little longer and brought her down himself. Are you hungry?” He studied me, waiting for an answer.

  “I…” I really wasn’t sure what to say. I knew I should eat, but my hunger laid dormant.

  “Here. At least drink this.” He twisted the lid off a container and poured clear liquid into the cap. “Drink this.”

  The water was the best thing I had tasted in a long while, quenching my thirst. “Thank you.” I said, after finishing.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “Good actually. I think getting it all out there with the kids helped.”

  He smiled again. “Good. I’m glad to hear it.”

  “You don’t look so good though. How long have you been asleep on the floor?”

  “A couple hours?”

  “What? Why? You could have gone down to eat with the kids.”

  “In case you haven’t noticed, my best friend had an emergency. What kind of friend would I be if I wasn’t there for her every second?” he was grinning at me, lighting up some of his tired face.

  “You mean you never left last night?”

  He shook his head.

  “Mason.” I paused. “You don’t look like you slept well, you have bags under your eyes.”

  He chuckled. “Yeah, that’s what Michael said too. ‘You need to sleep bro, they’ll be fine’ but I wanted to make sure. Plus, the cave floors not soft.” His eyes were starting to light up the way they always did when I talked to him.

  “You slept on the floor?” I used my non approving voice. “You could have slept up here with us.” His eyes locked on mine. “You know, so you didn’t have to sleep on the floor.” I continued awkwardly.

  “I didn’t want to…confuse you, or do something I didn’t know you’d approve of. Besides, I’m a gentleman.” His grin grew.

  “Well, I don’t approve of you looking like this.”

  The silence slowly began to grow to a crescendo, echoing, Ian’s gone, Ian’s gone, Ian’s gone.

  The sadness must have read in my eyes because Mason changed the subject. “You want to go grab something to eat?”

  While I debated going to the kitchen, images of Ian flashed through my mind. My dream had been so vivid, I could still see him tussling around in the dark with the Infected.

  “Mason.… Do you think I could have a few moments alone?”

  He watched me closely before answering. “Sure. I’ll go check on the kids. Come out when you’re ready.”

  I cracked a pathetic smile.
>
  “Is there anything I can get for you before I go?”

  “No, thank you.” I said softly. “And… I’m sorry about Ian.” He lost Ian just as much as we had. I was being selfish by not acknowledge his loss.

  He nodded, then leaned down and kissed my forehead. Afterward he paused a moment. This was the second time he’d kissed me. “Sorry about that.” He blushed, trying to avoid my eyes.

  His embarrassment was endearing, but I didn’t want there to be any secrets between us. We needed to clear the air. “Mason, I want to talk about something before you go.”

  “Okay. I didn’t mean to… I mean… kiss you.” Mason stumbled around his words, shyly.

  “I know how you feel about me.” After I blurted out the words, Mason’s face turned a deep shade of red.

  “You do?”

  “I do. Jen told me.” He huffed a laugh, seeming as if he expected as much. “I just…Ian is…” I had a hard time finding the words. The expression on his face looked like he already knew what I was trying to say. “I loved Ian. I’m not going to want to be with anyone else. At least it doesn’t feel like it right now. I care about you. A lot. You’re my best friend, I need you, just not in the way I think you want me to. Does that make any sense?”

  I finally looked up at his face. Hurt read in his expression, but he held his ground. “Yes. You don’t want to have to worry about my crush when you need me as a friend.” He smiled down at me. “I will behave myself. I would rather have you as a friend than you push me away. I’ll be whatever you need, Lil.”

  “Thanks, Mason. I’m sorry.”

  “You have nothing to be sorry for. Now get some rest. I’ll go make sure the kids aren’t getting into any trouble.”

  “Thanks, Mason.”

  He smiled at me as he left the room and the curtain shut behind him.

  It took me a tenth of a second after the door closed to break down. The tears ran freely from my eyes, my breath was coming in short, fast huffs. Now that no one was around, I had a moment to grieve for myself. There was a piece of my heart missing.

  Chapter 12

  I tried.

  I tried as hard as I could to keep it together around other people, especially Azami and James. They were just as upset, but none more than James. To just finding his brother and losing him had really devastated him and I can’t fix it for him. Azami is too little to understand most of the situation. She only knows that Ian isn’t coming back. James’s days are spent with me and Azami. We have both spent so much time crying together, sharing our grief with each other because we’re family, and we need each other more than anything right now. We remembered the fun times we had together, there were so many to choose from in such a short period of time together. Considering our past, I never reverted to that point. Good memories were the only ones that would remain.

  My life consisted of gardening, James and Azami, sleep, and anything that could make my day go by faster. Along the way, Mason attempted to cheer me up, bringing me food that I never ate, encouraging me to swim even though I found joy in nothing. Staring at Azami was the only thing I ever wanted to do. She looked so much like her father and he seemed to live out of her little soul. James understood what I was going through, other than Azami, I liked spending time with him more than anyone. He never pushed me. We could talk about anything, even Ian, and be happy together.

  I lost count of the days, they didn’t matter anymore. James eventually started to return to his normal routine, taking Azami more and more each day. He could interact with people again, but I couldn’t. I had to listened to Michael tell me that I needed to eat and try to move on. How could I? Soon I found myself alone in my grief. I just couldn’t stop missing and loving him. How did people cope? How did anyone move on from getting their hearts ripped from their chests and stomped on?

  I laid on the mattress in my room, basking in my most recent pity party. It must have been dinner time because I could hear the familiar footsteps of Mason coming to get me, trying to make me eat again. I had eaten, or I would be dead by now, I just didn’t eat much. Food tasted bland and gross, like chewing on cardboard. I breathed in deep and let it out in a huff, preparing myself for the oncoming speeches. Not only by Mason, but everyone in the dining area.

  “Knock, knock.” Mason said, as he pulled the curtain aside. “Hey there, gorgeous. Dinner is upon us. And please don’t tell me you’re not hungry. I’m not taking no for an answer.”

  “Mason.” I pouted. “I’m not hungry.”

  “Yes, you are. You just don’t know it.”

  I tried protesting but he silenced me by holding his hand out in the stop position.

  “Tonight, I made something special for you and you better like it because I had to make it for everyone.”

  “I hate it when you guilt trip me.” The corner of my mouth popping up.

  “There’s the smile I’ve missed. Now, this is the plan. First, I’m going to tell you what we are eating, then when you say, ‘I’m not hungry,’ I’m going to show you something else, something I think will help motivate you.” He mimicked a whiney voice when he repeated my words. Did that really sound like me?

  “Let me have it.” I wanted to get this over with so I could go back to my one man pity party. Azami flittered across my mind. She spends more time through the day with James because she gets bored. I still couldn’t bring myself to socialize.

  “I made you Spaghetti with garlic bread.”

  I was just about to say the words, but he stopped me again, “Before you say it, I want to show you something.” He dug something out from the back of his waistband. “Look.” The word was not a suggestion, but a soft demand. “This is what your daughter sees every night when she comes to bed, and every morning when she wakes up.”

  He held out a hand sized, round mirror, one without a large crack in it. His words alone cut me deeply. Knowing I already harbored guilt about not spending enough time with Azami, I sat in my room day in and day out, wallowing in my own filth.

  “Where did you get that?” I wondered.

  “Don’t worry about that now. Just look.”

  What I saw was surreal. I didn’t recognize the person staring back at me. My skin was thin, almost transparent. My eyes had black circles around them, reminding me of a raccoon. The clothes I wore hung off my body, remnants of an old potato sack. My hair was lifeless and dull; a makeshift bird’s nest. Worst of all, my eyes, they held no life. The one thing I loved about myself, was lost. Who was I? Ian’s voice rang through my head, telling me to get off my ass and take better care of myself and our daughter. I couldn’t believe I let myself get lost like this.

  My eyes flickered from the mirror to Mason, who was watching me study myself. “Why did you show me this?” I asked, my words catching on emotions, tears starting to prick my eyes.

  “Do you really have to ask me that question?” He said, softly.

  I touched my face, the skin felt sick, Infected. That’s what I reminded myself of, an Infected. Tears ran from the corners of my eyes, hitting my arms before I noticed they had escaped.

  Mason put the mirror down and closed the gap between us. “Don’t cry, Lil. I hate it when you cry. I only showed you so you’d know what you’re losing. Do you think Ian would want you to do this to yourself… to Azami, over him? He would want you two happy all the time.”

  A lump formed in my throat. He was right. “It’s just so hard.” More silent tears rolled over my cheeks.

  Mason pulled me to him, laying my head on his shoulder. “I know. I know it is. Let’s start slow. Come to dinner tonight, then maybe tomorrow we could sit in the hot tub. I’ll even help you wash your hair. We can have a girly day with Azami. Besides, you’re starting to smell pretty bad,” He tried to hold in a laugh and failed miserably. I smiled, a real smile. Somehow he sensed it because he held me at arm’s length to study me.

  “I can’t picture you doing a girly day.” I sniffled. His six foot muscular frame in the water, washing Azami’s ha
ir and then mine, talking about gardening?

  “I told you I would do anything for you. So… you ready to go eat?”

  I paused before answering and Mason held up the mirror in front of my face again. “You know, I am really hungry.” The truth was, I was starving all of the sudden. “Let’s pick up Azami first though. I want to start where I should have a long time ago.”

  “Great! Of course.” Mason jumped up, practically throwing me over his shoulder and running to the kitchen.

  After we picked up Azami from James, who was helping separate the pumpkin plants in the garden, we entered the kitchen and all eyes were on me. Most sympathetic and caring, some sad, and a couple looked like they were just thinking, ewww. I would have too if I’d seen someone who looked like me right now. Before I became a scene, I smiled and was going to say something, but Mason spoke before I could.

  “She’s alive!” He laughed, and so did I. “We know she’s a bit run down, but we’re working on that tomorrow. Today we eat a big meal.”

  Everyone smiled at me, telling me how happy they were to see me and that I shouldn’t be embarrassed, it was a natural thing to grieve.

  Mason led us to an open table next to the kitchen and Jen and Michael immediately moved next to us. Jen hugged me without words and made her way to the opposite side of the table next to Michael.

  “I’ll get our food.” Mason said, leaving me and Azami with his brother and Jen. I didn’t know what to say. I felt new all over again.

  “How are you?” Jen asked in that, ‘Oh poor you’ voice.

  “Better. Mason’s been great.” I looked over at him plating our food, piling my bowl just as high as his and getting Azami her own tiny plate.

  “Good. I was worried, and you wouldn’t talk to me. I didn’t know what to do.” Jen said.

  Michael busied himself with his food, letting us talk.

  “I’m sorry for being such a crappy friend. I know I wasn’t the only one to lose him. I just…” I couldn’t find words to finish.